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My son (also a top athlete and serious student) basically outgrew his high school peer groups around 9th grade. He is now a freshman at Princeton, adjusting well, making new friends, and seems happier than ever. Take comfort in knowing that your daughter has made a series of good decisions that will allow her to end up at a college where she is likely to find true peers.</p>
<p>My daughter switched schools after 10th grade. Around the same time, her friend group, which had basically been stable for four years, fell apart over differing attitudes towards sex, drugs, drinking, and rock-and-roll. (Not that any of them had a lot of involvement with any of that at the time, but some, including my daughter, were perhaps more open to it than others.) She had 5-6 months of feeling really isolated – not part of any functioning group, and not really clicking with the people she was meeting at the new school. </p>
<p>Things resolved themselves before high school ended, though. Her half of her group basically merged with half of the next group over (girls moving in the direction of a little less of the s,d,d, and r&r, which put them in just about the same place), which gave them enough critical mass to function as a social unit. And she found one kindred spirit at the new school – who was thrilled beyond belief to find HER – who turned out to be her true bff/soulmate, despite some significant differences in their interests. The two of them were much in demand at the new school, as the sole members of the Smart Girls Who Party (A Little) Club.</p>
<p>Both of my Ds were “so over it!” as they would say about high school, by the beginning of Senior year. They had profiles similar to OP’s D, and kept busy doing things they liked to do, a lot more often with us than they used to. They are both now in college and thriving with many new groups of friends. OP, I think your D is normal.</p>
<p>Things today are a bit different from when I grew up, but people never really change. Where we live, most seniors drive and the access to a car gives them more independence during the week than was common where I went to school. I don’t necessarily see the senior girls in large packs, like you might see the freshmen. A lot do their own thing. It also is not a big deal to “invite oneself” so to speak to the Queen Bee’s social affairs if time permits and the ego does too. If it is just to pass the time, who really cares if they say that she invited herself. Don’t always wait for someone to call - be proactive.</p>
<p>Developing the ability to reach out to people when you want to have a social life is important, and as long as she knows how to do that, then it is ok if she really doesn’t want to get together with the girls she is in school with.</p>
<p>My own senior year was not what I expected. My previous best friend was too busy savoring every last minute with her boyfriend to have time for much else. I had other friends, and a few had been friends since 7th grade, but most of those people were also busy with activities (as was I). All those applications took up tons of time, and there also was associated stress. I remember a lot of feeling of competition, which was unpleasant.</p>
<p>I really have never understood what makes some people “popular”; some of the most popular were very judgemental, and off putting imho. I also never found myself looking to be in the “popular crowd” back then. Occasionally, a truly nice person is the social organizer - in law school we had a few, but I haven’t seen that too much in high schools. I think it is liberating not to care too much what other people think, and when I went to college I did not want to be a lemming or sheep waiting for a critical mass of people to go anywhere or do anything (this was my freshman dorm for the most part.) Even there, after a while the packs thinned out, and people could just do what they wanted.</p>
<p>Best of luck to your daughter - she sounds like she will be fine.</p>
<p>I agree with the many posters that if your daughter is content or happy then no need to worry. I also had a son much like cur and the others who ‘checked out’ socially senior year. He wasn’t unhappy he was just so over dances, football games, spirit week etc. He’s been totally happy and engaged in ‘stuff’ since he left for college and seems to have a huge group of “new” friends. My son was in AP and advanced classes and none of his “friends” were which didn’t seem to bother him much. I also think there are periods of time where you just don’t “need” a BFF. She will be moving on next year and if she’s casual friends with people on her team, or former BFFs, has someone to eat lunch with etc. then she’s probably fine as they will all be going their own way in a year.</p>
<p>GFG, don’t over think this. If your D is not exhibiting outward misery, or developing a social phobia/pathology, you need to find something else to worry about.</p>
<p>She’ll be in college a year from now with kids sharing common goals, living space, experiences, and HS will recede in the rear view mirror.</p>
<p>Do not let your own anxiety over her lack of social life, or the fact that you encouraged her academic goals to spill onto her. It is hard enough being a successful/talented adult woman without hearing mommy’s voice in your head that you need to be popular too. Is Madeline Albright popular? Did Golda Meir have lots of girlfriends? Was Margaret Thatcher the belle of the ball? Does Christiana Amanpour sit around wondering why the phone doesn’t ring???</p>
<p>Don’t stick her with one more barrier to break- let her enjoy being smart and capable and strong and brainy and full steam ahead.</p>
<p>It might be good to include colleges with great orientation and/or team-building experiences, when helping choose colleges for OP’s D to apply to… I’m sure she’ll be fine, but it sounds like it would be good for her to find her “peeps” early on in college - and schools which work on building community very early on will help facilitate that. (cough…Rice university…cough) ;)</p>
<p>And don’t keep talking about it. Let it go. When both my Ds were going through the same phase,I used that opportunity of them having some free social time and took them to museums, plays, walks, all kinds of little adventures. It was wonderful and my Ds loved doing things like going toSunday brunch, an outdoor movie.</p>
<p>ANd it was amazing, they weren’t embarrased as seniors to be seen out with mom and or dad on a Saturday afternoon or night!!</p>
<p>See this an a chance to spend some fun time togther. But you have to make a promise:</p>
<p>No friends talk or college talk unless D initiates it!! These times together should be no pressure and a chance to escape the day to day grind</p>
<p><a href=“cough…Rice%20university…cough”>quote=“anxiousmom”</a>
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</p>
<p>Thanks for confirming one of my suspicions/hopes. Their residential college system sounds awesome.</p>
<p>(It is. And O-week is a week of intensive activity, mentoring, advising, team-building in groups of 7 or 8 freshman paired with 2 devoted O-week advisors - older students who volunteer and actually PAY for the privilege of mentoring the frosh 24/7 for a week - and who continue this mentoring relationship throughout the year. ) Dang! Rice should pay me an advertising fee for all my positive press 
On second thought, I’m grateful for all they offered my kids, so even if they wanted to pay me, I’d say “No!”:)</p>
<p>^^Anxious mom…ya know, I never noticed that I was the one paying for her to be an O leader. Well, she did get the T shirt. She loved it but had to go back a week early thus forfeiting her earnings from her two jobs and I paid for the privilege of her living in the dorm. Of course she had started counting the days until she could go back to school the day she came home after spring semester.</p>
<p>I’d have to agree with other posters on OP not worrying about DD. Our DD2 was something of a loner with a prickly personality and had few friends in HS (she graduated as val and always wondered why people were having so much trouble in class). We had to cajole her into seeing her few friends before heading off to college. When she arrived at college she blossomed, enjoys her three roommates, says her RA “rocks”, joined clubs, and wants to start her own club. She just had to find her own element.</p>
<p>My D put up with high school as a necessary evil. Blossomed in college and had far more social connections there than in high school. Many more birds of a feather.</p>
<p>I have heard so many parents tell me that their kids changed friends Senior year. This happened somewhat to D as some people she had been fairly close to drifted away and she became close to another group. She was fortunate that her small “core group” stayed together. </p>
<p>I am not sure why this happens, but what I have noticed is that by senior year there are students who are interested in more competitive schools who are spending a lot of time with AP classes while others aren’t. Also, I have noticed that a lot of kids drop EC’s senior year to study, work or in some cases to party. </p>
<p>Maybe the realization that after all these years together their class will be going separate ways soon hits them.</p>
<p>But who knows.</p>
<p>To the OP, it sounds as if your D has some friends and perhaps you can encourage her to reach out to a few others who seem to be in the same situation. Or perhaps she can get involved in something outside of school. Hope this helps.</p>
<p>How is she now?</p>
<p>Our D was forced to leave HS after JR year. She aced the GED & started CC in what would have been her SR year. Her biggest fear was that she’d lose her HS peers. To her (& our) relief, her friends since 9th grade stuck by her & invited her to all the social activities possible and remain her friends to this day. She’s now 22.</p>
<p>S kind of drifted from his peers SR year of HS and also missed about 1/3 to 1/2 of his SR year. Fortunately he made a smooth transition to college where he re-connected with some of thsoe peers & recently into the workforce, where he works full time. He’s now 24.</p>
<p>Sounds like she’s outgrown High School emotionally, but age wise isn’t in college yet. So that means she’s stuck for a few more months. After this, I’m sure she’ll find a group that more matches with her personality.
My D just told me last night that she “called down” a boy who was loudly talking about his illicit behavior by asking him- “exactly what are you here for?” She said “I’m here to get a degree, go to college and be self-supporting, If that’s not what you’re here for, then you are 16, and you don’t have to be here.” I think the boy shut up.</p>
<p>Not sure how this ancient thread got resurrected. Please note it’s from 2009. If anyone has specific questions for the OP, probably best to send a PM.</p>
<p>My D11 went through this and my D13 is going through it right now. Some kids are just ready by the end of Junior year to move on and not really put up with typical HS social issues and as a result they begin to break away. We have also found that the schools (two different ones) started moving seniors out of activities (by giving them reduced roles) mid-year so they could begin to rebuild teams and clubs with freshman…and once they are accepted to school (and it is happening earlier and earlier), kids begin to emotionally check out. So, it isn’t uncommon…and these kids that check out earlier tend to do well with the college transition because they are so ready for it…</p>
<p>Hi, the OP here. It was surreal to read my 4 year old post, because I scarcely remember the distress of that time. If my name weren’t on it, I probably wouldn’t have recognized myself! And that, of course, points to why as parents we need to remember the adage “This too shall pass.”</p>
<p>I am delighted to report D is very, very happy at a great university. A few months into freshman year she commented to me that so far she has really liked everyone she’s met at college. In fact, she likes all her college friends “a hundred times more” than she ever liked her high school friends. So, the update is that at college D found lots of kindred spirits and is doing very well socially. </p>
<p>So have hope, my fellow CCers!</p>