Grad school is slowly crushing my soul, and I wonder if I'm not cut out for it???

Parents Forum
1

Hi everyone,

I’m in the middle of my first semester of an English MA program, and this question/post is spurred from raging anxiety and low self-esteem as one who is in over her head during her first semester of grad school (and first time truly living away from home, which is another story).

Basically, I’m in the hardest course my program offers (mainly due to the professor and their harsh expectations), and I’m worried I’m going to end up with a B in the course (which, of course, is “bad” in grad school in ways that isn’t so bad in undergrad). The professor SAYS I’m doing great and that they’re impressed with my work, but I’m getting A-/B+ grades, the professor tears up my writing, and I’ve reached the point where I’m absolutely terrified to write anything because I know the professor will just rip apart my style and say that I’m not quite there yet. I’ve also found myself to be less engaged with the readings because the class just makes me so worked up.

I’m told by several other students in the program that my “issues” here may not be only my work but also my lack of a Y chromosome and my super young age, but I don’t know about that because at least one other woman in the course is doing great (but she also isn’t brand new to grad school like I am). I would like to think this isn’t the case and that it’s truly just some fundamental skill I am lacking in my writing, but to be honest, I don’t know. There’s a long track record involved.

And, yes, I know: the point of grad school isn’t to earn grades but to learn about your field and later help create knowledge in that field. I understand that and I truly do care about what I’m studying, but, transitioning straight from undergrad, it’s so hard for me not to equate “not an A” as failure. I 100% know I’m not perfect and that my writing and thinking have a long ways to go, but I feel so defeated and inadequate like, every day. It hasn’t gotten any better since August (and I’m told it might not).

Anyway, I guess my question here is: is this struggle a sign of a greater issue? It’s just the coursework that is troublesome. Everything else - department support, teaching, social life, surrounding area, living situation, etc. - ranges from fair (roommates) to excellent (everything except my courses). Since it is my first semester and this class has been more emotionally toiling than I could have imagined, I’m truly starting to wonder if I’m not cut out for grad school and if this is the universe’s way of telling me to not go any farther than an MA and to get the hell out after graduation. I really, really, REALLY love teaching, though, so I want to continue on to the PhD, but I just don’t know anything anymore. Wouldn’t PhD applications be marred by a less-than-stellar grade, anyway? How can I get through the grueling 4+ years of a PhD if I’m left cowering in a corner during my first semester of an MA?

To be fair, I am told this the course with this particular professor is an anomaly and isn’t indicative of what grad school is like, but it still gives me pause.

I’d appreciate any thoughts or insight here. Thanks so much.

2

I’m having trouble understanding why you think your writing is “bad” and being “torn up” by professors if you have A- and B+ in your work and the profs says you’re doing well and they are impressed by your work. Have you never had any grade but an A, EVER? No one is perfect right out of college, or ever, really. There is always room for improvement. Your grades are great-how can an A- REALLY be “bad” when it’s just a hair off perfect, come on now.

You seem to be doing ok otherwise, but maybe you should look into coping strategies for anxiety, or do some reading on the Impostor Syndrome, because honestly, lots of people would kill to be in your shoes.

I was one of the best writers in my HS. Got voted “best writer” by my class, one teacher told me he wanted me to dedicate my first book to him. And my English profs tore apart my writing, because that’s what they’re paid to do. I needed to improve, just like any beginning writer. Guess what? I graduated with my “not an A” and got work as…a writer. It’s ok. Really.

3

When I got my night guard from my dentist, he said that it might not last long (they get ground down), but if it didn’t, it meant I got my money’s worth because I really needed it. It was a way of thinking that stunned me a little bit.

I would apply the same thinking to this one particular class-- the professor tearing up your writing is only going to make you stronger and you are actually getting what you’re paying for because he is doing this. After all, whether or not you make a B in this class isn’t the important thing. The important thing is that you eventually get published. He’s raising your bar, and you can do it. Keep going!

4

Yes, an A-/B+ isn’t a bad grade in and of itself, but in graduate school, you get As if you’re doing well and Bs if you’re not doing well. So, being on that B+/A- border is a bit concerning because it means you could go either way (and by tearing apart, I mean literally crossing out words, putting in new ones, pondering over word choice, etc. I’ve never had anyone take it to that level in undergrad before, and my classmates tell me no other professor in the department here will ever do that. It’s this professor’s “thing”).

And the thing is, I can’t help but think about how I’m “not done yet” in terms of education. If I really do want to teach at the college level, I need to get into a PhD program, and with the current state of that process, anything less than As puts me at a disadvantage. I can’t even get to my line of work without being on top of things and exemplary in so many ways, which is awful.

But, yes, I will become stronger coming out of this experience. I just need to remember that. Thanks for both of your replies.

5

Take a deep breath. Grad school should be expected to be harder/more demanding than undergrad. If you are in the A-/B+ range you are doing just fine. Get on with your work and try to take the emotions out of it.

6

you are WAY over reacting!! CALM DOWN. other wise you will be shooting your self in the foot and sabotaging your chances for acceptance to an PhD Program.
The factors that are IMPORTANT to getting into a PHD program are
professors LORS- which are VERY important
your GRE scrores,
your GPA in BOTH UG and grad classes
your writing samples.
AND your letter of intent.

So dont make your self OR your prof crazy with your unrealistic anxiety issues.
You are doing GREAT so far in grad school. Just take it one step at a time and carry on.

7

I hated every single moment of grad (MA)school, which in my case was barely 2 years. I took an accelerated course load in order to get done sooner/cheaper. Anyway. My experience is that everyone gets a B. The realllllly bad students get C’s, and a few lucky people – due to a combination of factors — will get A’s. The A’s went to people who obsessed about every comma, every page, and every citation space. All day long, they obsessed. I had been a straight-A college student and a National Merit scholar in high school, and nothing I did got me more than a B+. I started handwriting my papers and it didn’t effect my grade a bit.

There are actually grad school support groups on reddit and elsewhere, and you should join one. My nephew has described grad school thus: you go in thinking you are joining this community of people who want to spread learning and share their island of intellect as a lighthouse. what you may find is people who are jealously guarding their content, poking newcomers with very sharp sticks to keep them away, and attacking anyone who might have a better idea until they abandon the island. He was/is a high achiever at an Ivy school but abandoned grad school when he was told — 10+ months into his PhD dissertation — that he was hopelessly a “hick from a white trash town” and the advisor was reneging on approval of the dissertation topic in order to “redirect” him—you guessed it, to a topic the advisor needed some research on for her own work. After her grant fell through. (Nephew is happily employed teaching --with the MA, but not a PhD, in a CC that is overjoyed to have him)

Hopefully that will NOT be your experience. I share just to say – it isn’t you. You aren’t deficient, and don’t buy into that. Do your best work, make sure you eat, sleep, and experience joy occasionally. Course correct as you go, and keep people who value you around to keep you sane.

8

If we’re talking undergrad, I’d agree.

However, in most academic grad programs(MA/MS/PhD), the grading systems in practice are such that a B is the minimum passing grade and thus, an equivalent to a C-/C in undergrad and any grade below a B is considered failing.

I’ve known of several friends and cases in academic grad school…including in the field of engineering where grad students were given a stern lecture by their adviser or worse, even asked to consider leaving the program because they received Bs within their first semester/year of grad school…especially PhD students. .

This was also the case in the graduate programs I was considering/enrolled in for a bit.

While there’s a real danger in overemphasizing course grades in grad school, the consensus among most Profs/advisers I’ve had in undergrad/grad regarding grad school is one should keep one’s course grades between the B+ and A/+A range to remain competitive with one’s grad classmates/cohort.

Granted, one B won’t be the end of the world. However, more than a couple of Bs will cause some issues regarding advisers and/or competitiveness for PhD admissions…especially at the most elite/competitive programs in one’s field/subfield.

Another thing to keep in mind, some grad programs are structured in such a manner that grad classmates have every incentive to not provide helpful advice/feedback on how they’re truly feeling. This is because grad students in those programs are in many ways, competing with each other and possibly you for high grades, LORs, plum research projects/grants, awards, etc. I’m concerned your department’s culture may exhibit that judging by comments from your grad classmates like:

Lack of a Y chromosome?!! What is this, the 1950s?!!

As for superyoung age, that’s just laughable IMO considering one of my college classmates who graduated from an earlier graduating class with honors from our LAC at the age of 17 started his PhD program in politics at 19, finished at the age of 23, and landed a tenure-track job the year he graduated with PhD.

Also, one older HS alum earned his PhD at the age of 20 and ended up being the youngest tenured full Prof at Harvard at the age of 26:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noam_Elkies

That comment is 100% complete BS and one you shouldn’t pay any heed to as IMO…that comment says much more about possible negative characteristics of the person making it than it does about you and your academic bona-fides.

While it can be hard, don’t let such backbiting comments get you down. Seek solace from friends and family who are genuinely supportive and will provide positive reinforcement in such a difficult time.

9

^^

I also forgot to add the comment about the lack of a Y Chromosome is also absurd considering English lit/lit is one of many academic fields in the humanities/social sciences which has a high ratio of female to male grad students according to some reports I’ve read and my own experience.

In one lower-level social science graduate seminar I took, out of ~24 or so total enrolled students, only 4 including yours truly were male. Also, while attending academic conferences in humanities/social science fields(East Asian Studies, Politics, History, Sociology, etc), my observation was that there was a female majority among attending grad students.

10

Thanks for all the input, everyone. Grad school is indeed pretty cut-throat, which is why I’m trying to get a grip on everything so I don’t fall behind the pack, so to speak.

The Y chromosome comment is getting a lot of flak, and while I know this is a different time and my field has a high ratio of women, I don’t think this is completely without merit… It’s hard for you all to know without knowing the context and the professor in question, but there have been instances where previous students felt like their work wasn’t valued/taken as seriously due to their gender.

This particular comment was not meant as an intimidation tactic but as a sincere warning/expression of sympathy from a female student whose work earned a bad mark from this professor but which ended up basically being stolen from this professor. I suppose this could happen to anyone regardless of their gender, but… Yeah. I don’t think this professor is out to get all women, but I don’t know if they’re exactly neutral either, which is sad and something I wish I had known before taking this course. But, what can I do except work hard and do my best.

11

OP- I have no idea if you should continue on for a PhD. And neither do you. Grad school is meaningfully different than undergrad, and I think it’s good and healthy that your first semester is giving you a chance to ask “do I really want to do the doctorate” rather than just falling in line and moving forward. There are tens of thousands of happy and healthy adults out there in the real world with good and satisfying jobs who at point were going to get a doctorate (I am one of them), and so questioning your path right now is a gift. Really a gift.

Take a deep breath. It is way too early to decide anything based on one professor. So you are at a bit of an inflection point- either you decide to knuckle down and figure out how to get A’s or A- if that’s important to you, or you keep doing what you are doing and decide that your performance right now is fine because you are learning and growing, or you walk into your advisor’s office and tell him/her that you are having doubts about continuing. Any of these is a fine and valid option.

But find a way to deal with or reduce your anxiety over this. That might be the real lesson this semester can teach you- yoga, exercise, meditation, baking, museum going- whatever it takes to restore some balance in your life-- that’s a positive outcome that will last a lifetime. All adults experience anxiety- it’s how we deal with it which can determine whether it spurs positive changes, or just cripples.

Big hug. Go see your advisor- nothing he or she hasn’t seen at least 100 times.

12

The fact that the professor claims to be impressed with your work is a promising sign, and probably matters more than the grade; some profs are just hard graders – and some professors tear apart even the papers they like. I’ve gotten tons of cross-outs and objections on papers that have gotten As.

That being said, I think it is worth talking to either/both this professor and an advisor about some of these concerns, because it is important to put your work in context. If this is a program where it is generally expected that your grades will be all As and A-s, and your current performance (in all of your courses, not this one, which might well be an anomaly), while not threatening your graduation, puts you in the lower end of your cohort, that is something to be concerned about if your goal is a PhD program and academia. How seriously I would take somewhat lower than average performance would also depend on your background coming in. If you were an English major at a good undergraduate institution and are still struggling, that, I think, is more serious than if you were either a non-major or went to a school that might not have prepared you as well as some of your classmates. In that case, an adjustment period is to be expected, and I wouldn’t stress.

While I’m sure you know this, as a recent English PhD, I also feel obliged to remind you just how bad the job market is. I graduated from a fancy-pants program, and while a significant minority of our recent-ish graduates have found tenure-track jobs, most of us haven’t. A number of people have left the field entirely, and gone to law school or other professional programs. Some are teaching high school. Some are working in PR or other writing-intensive fields. I’m fortunate enough to have, at least for the next couple of years, an academia-adjacent research job that I enjoy and that, combined with some teaching on the side, gives me a reasonably good salary. I may yet be able to parlay this into a tenure-track job in a place I could actually tolerate living, but I’m definitely prepared for plan Bs.

Do I regret the PhD? Usually, no. I found it incredibly intellectually enriching, and while I may not wind up precisely where I imagined I would be, but if things continue as they have been, I’ll do OK for myself. But if getting a PhD is simply a means to an end toward the kind of academic career that is becoming increasingly rare, you should think very carefully before proceeding.

I wish you the best of luck!

13

I went from an undergraduate college that did not tell students their grades (though grades were in fact kept) to a doctoral program where your first-year grades could determine whether you would receive the financial aid needed for your second year and beyond. The first year was intimidating because the advanced students seem to know the answers to every question. In fact, they seemed to know how to frame the questions themselves, because those were grounded in the theory and literature of the discipline.

It was intimidating. But I knew what I knew, and that my grounding as an undergrad was as strong as that of any of my classmates. That made me focus and work harder. It didn’t take long before the professors discovered that I had skills that would allow me to excel in the program. And that I did. Grad school is hard in part because it’s about the only thing you do for 18 hours a day – day after day.

It takes time to find your rhythm – as well as your faculty mentors, fellow graduates whom you can trust, and other resources. So to the OP: be patient. If you are being given some encouragement by faculty, take this and any concrete advice that you can get as well.

Academic careers are a difficult row to hoe. That’s after you have earned your doctorate. But if you really want it, you will succeed, as I did. Don’t be quick to give up.

14

My husband and I went into a direct entry PhD program after working a very short time after undergraduate school, way back when. The economy was booming and we were taking out student loans, it was a stressful and crazy busy lifestyle. We took turns “quitting” (at least in our minds) several times. I remember asking myself over and over, “why the heck am I doing this, I could be…(whatever it was at the moment).” But somehow we slogged through and looking back they were amazing years of growth and we were exposed to amazing people, places, and things that would never have been exposed to had we stayed in our small provincial town in northeast New England.

Just do the best you can, give yourself a bit of time to adjust, take one step at a time, and before you know it, you just might be finished with that graduate degree, whatever level you end up with.

15

This is a good point and reminds me of something I should add.

One of the worst things any student…especially grad could experience is receiving no meaningful feedback such as what happened with a few grad classmates with Profs who received A/A+s and no comments/feedback on their final seminar papers.

While it may seem great from a first glance, this is actually very dangerous as the lack of feedback for improvement can undermine crucial growth needed to improve oneself in the field and lull one into a false sense of security.

16

Watch The Paper Chase! Or a movie about ballet. Some teachers are like this, and at the beginning of a program, they may be extra harsh to set a bar for you, kind of the way teachers are tough the first week of elementary school. I wouldn’t let this professor define the program.

The other thing is, I would try to stop thinking about the future. This is your first year. I know this may sound strange, but can you try to enjoy the program intellectually? I mean, focus on what interests you for now.

There will be many possible paths after your master’s. I honestly think a master’s in English is highly valued, even in the corporate world, and you can teach in a private or public school. The life of an adjunct professor is hard (food stamps anyone?) and the people I know who teach college led a nomadic life at first, teaching where they could.

I don’t mean to depress you. I am just reiterating what others have said: don’t think of your studies as a means to a specific end. They may lead you somewhere else.

As for competitiveness, you yourself can affect the environment. You really can. Be nice to others, generous, and do things for the right reasons, and it can be contagious. Good luck! Sorry this is hard but I just sense you will turn this around and look back on it in a year from a better place.

17

The first semester of grad school in English can be disconcerting and overwhelming. You are not alone on that front. And you already know that when a professor gives you a B in an English program, the implication is that you should not be in grad school. So I understand your concern. Having said that, your grades of A-/B+ suggest that you could be on your way to getting an A and you will move on from this class and on to other things soon. Just focus on doing the best possible work you can in the time that remains.

The larger issue is that you will meet many challenges in grad school, especially if you go on for a doctorate. And one of the realities is that people are evaluating your work constantly. And that continues in academia even after you finish a Phd. So I recommend that you consider ways to get some perspective on this. It is one class and you will be stronger and (I hope) have learned something from this professor after you finish. You might see if the counseling center has any groups or sessions for grad students, many of whom struggle with stress and self-esteem issues.

I would not downplay the y chromosome-issue, as you call it, because that can still happen. But unless the professor does something inappropriate, then the best you can do is try to do your best work. Maybe focus on this week’s reading and the next assignment rather than worrying about what your grade will be down the line. Best wishes…

18

You know, this is commonly stated and believed, but it is not universally true across graduate programs. My graduate program was one of the ones that graded a lot more harshly/close to the undergrad process in that both As and Bs were acceptable grades and relatively meaningless, at least for PhD students. I got a couple Bs during my PhD program and even one B- and nobody said a single word to me about my academic performance.

So I think the first thing to do is make sure that your B+ actually is a call for concern.

Here’s the thing though: Professors in graduate school are SUPPOSED to tear up your writing, especially in a writing-heavy program like an MA in English. The stated goal of a program like that is to increase your English language/literature scholarship skills, which includes your writing. In undergrad, an English professor might have 30-100+ students and not enough time to really dig into your writing in that way; in graduate school, a professor may have 9 students in seminar and only be teaching that one graduate seminar (or two) in a semester. Much more time, and much more motivation: the quality of graduate alumni reflects upon the program.

Even when I was writing my dissertation towards the end of my PhD, and was almost universally praised as an excellent writer, I still got drafts back that were covered in red. When you write monographs and papers as a scholar, your peer reviewers will continue to tear them apart, and if you ever write a grant that will be summarily destroyed as well. If you want to be a professor, please get used to your colleagues decimating your work. To be a scholar is to have your work criticized constantly. You have to learn to get over the demoralization and allow the criticism to be constructive. That’s probably one of the most valuable things I learned in graduate school; I wasn’t exactly gracious about taking criticism (especially about my writing) before I entered.

If you are genuinely confused and stressed, though, why not approach the professor with an open mind during her office hours (or make an appointment) and ask her for an honest assessment of your work and fitness to be a scholar? She’ll tell you.

Oh, also, graduate school is, by it’s nature, fairly depressing. Something like 60% of graduate students have experienced mild to moderate depressive episodes at some point during their program. Feeling emotionally wiped by the experience is, unfortunately, somewhat normal. That doesn’t mean you should suffer in silence - see a counselor, and find some ways to alleviate the stress and depression. My point is that your emotional stress is not an indicator that you aren’t cut out for graduate school. Quite the contrary - it’s an indication that you’re a human being with a beating heart :slight_smile:

19

As I stated in that very post, one B isn’t the end of the world in the greater scheme of things.

And there’s a difference between a B and a B+ in the graduate programs I know of. While not optimal, B+s are considered satisfactory and won’t prompt concerns with most grad Profs I had or knew of.

A string of Bs or worse failing grades of -B and below, however would be a completely different matter in most academic grad programs I know of.

And while there are some exceptions in the academic grad world, most academic grad programs I know of…including those in most engineering MS/PhD* programs tend to perceive grades largely as I described in that post.

  • One of the cases I know of thorough friends at an elite engineering program(Think CMU/Caltech/MIT/Berkeley/Stanford) involved two of their grad classmates who were given a stern lecture about accumulating too many Bs in their first year of their PhD program and how they need to improve or consider leaving the program by their adviser.

Incidentally, some employers who provide educational reimbursements for academic graduate education(Mostly engineering/CS/IT MS degrees) are well aware of this as illustrated by a few employers I’ve had and those of older relatives which had the following reimbursements reflecting course grades:

A/-A = 100% reimbursement

B+ = 80% reimbursement

B = 50% reimbursement

B- and below = 0% reimbursement

20

Hang in there Harvest. One foot in front of the other until you get through the semester.

I am going to assume a pattern may emerge in what your prof is looking for in your writing. See if you can figure this out as you go along. One of the best job skills you can develop is how to give your boss exactly what they are looking for. Look at it as a challenge.

Do not let one prof determine what you do in the bigger picture of your near term goals. This prof may be great or may be a jerk on a power trip. You have no way of knowing.

Don’t sweat it. Really.

My d is an artist and has had to develop a very thick skin as she makes adjustments for the clients that she feels are not in their products best interest. You have to learn the skill of not being emotionally involved in your art. Not easy!!

I develop new food products for companies. I can make something awesome that they eventually cost reduce down to a mediocre product. You just have to learn to let it go.