Grade my APWH Comparative Essay?

My first ever AP Essay (closed book, at least). I’m proud of it, but please do pile on the constructive criticism – I need the feedback since I’m self-studying. Thanks! </p>

Compare and contrast the state-building experiences of two of the following political units. </p>

Mongol Empire
Abbasid Caliphate
Medieval Europe*
Feudal Japan*</p>

Every civilization begins to unify in its own way. Once a kingdom is formed, the ruler must find a way to keep his power over such a large area. Two of the most notable state building methods that developed independently but are remarkably similar are that of medieval Europe’s, and feudal Japan’s. In both Europe and Japan, a feudal structure was used in which a lower class felt indebted to a higher class, tying together all the way to the ruler. The two state building experiences were astoundingly similar, in the structure of gov’t and also how a social hierarchy kept together a decentralized land. However, the two differed in how such a hierarchy was structured. </p>

To begin with, feudal Japan and medieval Europe possessed many similarities. Both resulted as a means to tie together lands under one ruler by basing it on a social hierarchy. In medieval Europe, a king would distribute land to the lords/nobles, who would then distribute the land received to vassals. The ‘gift-giving’ of land tied loyalty from one social class to the class directly above it, i.e, vassal to lord. There were also knights – young men of the noble class more loyal to their lord than to the king. Feudal Japan possessed samurai, who were loyal to daimyo – land owning generals, similar to a knight-lord relationship in Europe. Although the shogun ruled over all in Japan, regionally the daimyo had more power due to the loyal samurai. The situation was similar in Europe, where the lords had more power regionally than the king, due to knights. Another similarity between the two where both were based on agriculture – the lords and daimyos required yield from their lands and both had peasants who were required to farm the land and remain in that occupation. </p>

However Japan and Europe differed in what their feudal structure and social hierarchy was built around. In Europe, the aristocracy/nobility was primarily based on land and wealth. People in favor with the king could receive more land/wealth, as a result gain more vassals (loyalty) and therefore rise in status. Even merchants who were originally poor could rise in the hierarchy so long as they had wealth. However in feudal Japan the social structure was built on culture, honor, and in the lower classes, how one contributed. The upper classes consisted of the emperor, shogun, daimyo, and samurai. The samurai were tied to their daimyo for honor – often samurai were expected to commit seppukku, or ritual suicide, if they had failed their daimyo in any way. In the lower classes, peasants were more valued than artisans or merchants, the latter being at the bottom. Although they led a difficult life, peasants provided food for society and therefore were honored. Merchants contributed nothing to society, so they were at the bottom of the hierarchy. </p>

Therefore, feudal Japan and medieval Europe had many similarities and differences. Both possessed a regional ruler who ultimately tied all loyalty back to the land’s ruler, but at the same time that daimyo/lord had more influence to the people they governed. They differed in cultural aspects of the social hierarchy that tied them together. One can argue the cultural effects of both feudalistic societies can still be felt today, where in the Western/European sense, the social structure is still determined by wealth, while in the Eastern/Asian sense, there is a stronger basis on duty and responsibility to society as a whole ,rather than wealth for the individual.</p>

This is good for your first essay, but there are definitely areas in which you can improve. I’m going to grade you using the AP Generic Rubric, which you can view: <a href=“http://universityhigh.webs.com/eComparative%20Rubric.pdf[/url]”>http://universityhigh.webs.com/eComparative%20Rubric.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<ol>
<li>Has acceptable thesis - 0 out of 1 point
Honestly, the thesis was strong, and an AP reader probably would’ve given you this point, but you’re missing certain key elements. You should have:</li>
<li>Time Frame (in this case 600-1450) - you didn’t include this</li>
<li>Regions - Western Europe and East Asia</li>
<li>Global Context - trying to maintain political order in a time of disunity (domination of Germanic tribes in Western Europe and general disunity in Japan - sorry Japan isn’t my strong point :P)</li>
<li>Similarities and differences in a 2:1 ratio</li>
<li>Analysis of causes and effects of the comparisons</p></li>
<li>Addresses all parts of the question - 1 out of 2 points
Your first similarity was strong; however, your difference was related to the social structures rather than the state-building experiences, and therefore it does not fulfill the prompt.</p></li>
<li>Historical Evidence - 2 out of 2 points
This was your strongest area; great description! :D</p></li>
<li>Makes at least two relevant, direct comparisons - 1 out of 1 point
You fulfilled this in your first body paragraph with the similarity.</p></li>
<li>Analysis - 1 out of 1 point
You had a pretty decent analysis of the causes and effects; however, you should use some more cause-effect terms. For example, instead of, “Another similarity between the two where both were based on agriculture – the lords and daimyos required yield from their lands and both had peasants who were required to farm the land and remain in that occupation,” you should say, “Another similarity was that the lords and daimyos demanded agricultural yield from their peasants, as a result of their common attempt to reinforce their roles in the political structure of their respective states, keeping lower class peasants and serfs in their place and usurping resources from them.” (Sorry this is pretty weak; I covered these topics a long time ago :P)
You should also try to relate your comparisons back to the global context established in the thesis - how do your examples tie in to the GLOBAL PROCESS of state-building?
Expanded Core - 0 out of 2 points - You need the first seven “core” points to attain any of these.</p></li>
</ol>

Also, you should try to include three comparisons instead of two - similarities and differences in a 2:1 ratio. That way, you’re guaranteed the point for “addressing all parts of the question” (and you might get some expanded points too!)</p>

<hr>

Final Score: 5 out of 9 points</p>

Good job, and if you have any other questions feel free to ask.
Good luck, and may we both get 5’s on the AP exam! :D</p>

Thanks so much! This was really helpful – I literally just took notes on your feedback on what to improve on. </p>

A few questions: </p>

  1. Aargh, all the essay guides are saying that I simply need to relate it to modern day/global somehow in the beginning and/or end. Are you saying my essay would be stronger if I kept the focus on state-building experiences in general/globally in the conclusion? </p>

  2. 2 similarities and one difference, right? Right now I have one of each … next time I try this, should I make a five paragraph essay (3 body paragraphs), or have a longer similarity paragraph? </p>

  3. About your analysis of causes and effects of comparisons: So, more analysis/ cause & effect, rather than merely explaining the situation? </p>

  4. For the difference, I guess I did stray a bit off topic :). Would it have been better to talk more about how culture and honor unified Japan, medieval Europe was unified through ownership of land and wealth? Or does that still go on the same tangent? </p>

Once again, thanks a lot. Here’s to getting 5’s in May! :)</p>

  1. We’re taught in class to include an analysis of global context in the thesis. It can only help your essay, though, if you consistently relate the developments in the region back to the global context. I always get expanded core points in class for this. The structure of each body paragraph should be an explanation of your comparison, a description and comparison of historical evidence from both regions, cause-effect analysis, and then relation back to global context.</p>

  2. The essay should be 4 paragraphs total - thesis and 3 body paragraphs. You should either have 2 similarities/1 difference or vice versa. However, sometimes the question will require more comparisons (e.g. if it asks you to compare and contrast the political and social aspects of two regions, you need a minimum of 4 comparisons.) In this case, you’ll have to be flexible. Hoping we don’t get one of those on the AP exam this year xD!</p>

  3. You have to sort of do both. I always think of the explanation as describing both regions in a direct comparison (historical evidence), and the analysis as the cause-effect and relation back to the global context. You need the cause-effect for the analysis point.</p>

  4. Kind of - I would contrast how feudalism led to political decentralization to maintain order in Europe while it led to the establishment of shogunate rule in Japan. Be careful how you use the word “unify” because both of these regions are characterized by political disunity during 600-1450. (I’m honestly not confident about this; my school has a 2-year WHAP class and we learned about 600-1450 last year, so I would double check my info.)</p>

No problem; if there’s anything else I can help with, feel free to ask! :)</p>

P.S. Here’s the link to the old free response questions from the AP exam - it has the specific rubrics for each question and sample responses - really helps a lot!
[AP</a> Central - AP World History Exam](<a href=“Supporting Students from Day One to Exam Day – AP Central | College Board”>AP World History: Modern Exam – AP Central | College Board)</p>