Grade my essay please? :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>The last time I posted here was really a wake-up call. I'm so used to getting 5s and 6s that when someone said my last essay was a 3-4, I was like aasndcicillkeajs-oh-no. But I went over where I went wrong and here's another essay. As per previous suggestions, I tried to use more applicable examples and tone down my overly flowery language. Help me please!</p>

<p>Here's the prompt:
Technology promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rushed. We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that, whether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.</p>

<h2>Assignment: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</h2>

<p>My Essay (24 min):
Changes that make our lives easier do not necessarily make them better. Sometimes, an event that seems to add a dash of convenience may eventually result in undesirable consequences. It is true that the rapid evolution of technology has simplified our lives to a large extent, and in some ways made it better. However, when we scrutinise the results of certain technological changes, we see that these results are not as pleasant as they seem. In this essay, we will review two examples where a change for the easier is not a change for the better: the novel “Flowers for Algernon” and the film “Wall-E”.</p>

<p>In Flowers for Algernon, Charlie the mentally challenged main character, undergoes an operation to become a supergenius. After the operation, he is able to complete many tasks that he had never been able to before, such as reading or writing. In fact, his genius is so great that he learnt several languages and produced immensely complicated research papers regarding his intelligence. Becoming smart certainly made his life a lot more convenient that it was before. However, while experiencing a brighter, sharper side of life, Charlie also discovers its darkness that he never been able to see before. He becomes condescending towards his peers (mainly his doctors) because of their inferior intelligence and ashamed of himself for being the butt of so many jokes before. The worst thing was that his genius prevented him from communicating well with his teacher and love interest, Miss Kinnian. Evidently, genius is a blessing but also a curse. The use of technology to boost Charlie’s intelligence has made his life a much dimmer place.</p>

<p>Wall-E is a film which takes place in a hypothetical Earth that has been polluted then abandoned by humans several centuries from now. When Wall-E and Eve the robots ascend the spacecraft that houses the bulk of humanity, they are greeted by a multitude of human beings floating around on levitating chairs. These humans who have long since forgotten how to walk, are dependent on technology to cater to their every need. Food, water, entertainment. All these have been provided for them. As such, these humans have lost their independence and self-reliance. When power shuts down later in the movie, we see them tumbling off their levitating chairs, sprawling on the floor and doing nothing but grumbling. They have even lost the ability to walk. Not only that, because they are accompanied by so many pieces of interactive technology, they no longer seek a social life filled with human contact. Because technology has convenienced their lifestyle to such a huge extent, they have lost the urge to find love and the capacity for human understanding. </p>

<h2>In conclusion, what makes our life simpler does not necessarily make it better. Even so, it seems that most of the modern world is eager to pursue convenience, whether in travelling, working or even finding love. Perhaps before we happily embark on the easiest route, we should ponder if we truly desire the consequences that it may bring. </h2>

<p>Please grade my essay and tell me how I should improve! Thank you!</p>

2

<p>I’d say a high 5. I like your writing style. </p>

<p>The thing that detracts a bit here is that in both examples you have more plot summary that you exactly need and less emphasis on why those things are demonstrating your thesis. </p>

<p>My specific issue with the first example is that an operation isnt exactly technology. The story is about the dark side of IQ and how it can isolate you from other people- that isnt a specific issue with technology. In the Wall-E example you dont have this problem and I think you are very effective in the argument.</p>

3

<p>6/6. It has a clear and insightful thesis, a well developed argument with relevant examples, and relatively flawless grammar. What more can College Board ask for in 25 minutes?</p>

4

<p>I would change this so you don’t repeat ideas/make it more succint. Also “we will review two examples” sounds really bad imo. </p>

<p>"However, when we scrutinise the results of certain technological changes, we see that these results are not as pleasant as they seem. In this essay, we will review two examples where a change for the easier is not a change for the better: the novel “Flowers for Algernon” and the film “Wall-E”.</p>

<p>However, when we scrutinize the results of technological advanceses in the novel “Flowers of Algernon” and the film “Wall-E” it is clear that seemingly beneifcial technological advances are not as pleasant as they originaly seem.</p>