Grade my essay!! Please!!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Here's my essay(which filled up BOTH pages), for the following prompt:
Can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>Success oftentimes leads individuals to lose perspective in their course of action, thus proving deleterious to their future. Myriad examples from American history, literature, and anecdotes from a teen's high school experience demonstrate this proposition.</p>

<p>The Roaring 20's was an unprecedented time in America's history. Henry Ford created a prototype for the first automobile, the Model T, that was affordable enough to be purchased by most of America. The radio became an almost universal mode for the country as show hosts interspersed music with news and advertisements. Women, once expected to remain demure, appalled their mothers by wearing short skirts and drinking alcohol. Labor workers experience similar successes when unions such as the AF of L secured an 8 hour workday in 1924. Despite these successes, America faced a growing stock market that became less and less stable as investors, overconfident from the prosperity of the 20's, grew in number. Then on Black Tuesday in 1930, the stock market crashed, and the halcyon days America enjoyed abruptly ended. The success of the 20's led people to be negligent and overconfident in their economic practices, and as a result contributed to their downfall on Black Tuesday. Clearly, success can be detrimental.</p>

<p>F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby also delineates the perils of success. Gatsby, once poor, coveted to earn money by any means possible to win over Daisy. Eventually, Gatsby did earn the money he seeked, and his dream of being with Daisy seemed all the more possible to him. Gatsby's dream, however, was merely chimerical: Daisy had already wed Tom, and Daisy and Gatsby were of different social classes. Gatsby's success in achieving his wealth only led him to pursue a false dream, leading to his dejection and his demise. As The Great Gatsby shows, success can cause one to lose course in their lives. </p>

<p>In the film, "A" Here I Come, Jesse is jubilant after receiving an A on a physics exam. As a result, his smugness and overconfidence lead him to study less for his next test. As a result, Jesse earns a D on his second test, and his overall physics grade drops too low for him to get a scholarship at his state school. Jesse further shows the dangers of success.</p>

<p>As the 1920's, Gatsby, and Jesse explicate, success indeed leads individuals to lose sense in their actions, which can greatly destroy their futures.</p>

2

<p>You have a good set of thoughts in the essay. Here are a few suggestions that could strengthen it:</p>

<p>Be sure that your examples in each paragraph are tied to the main theme of the paragraph. In your paragraph on the Roaring 20’s, you should be listing elements of the Roaring 20’s that were successes. The Model T fits this. However, the argument that radio was a success is not made explicitly in your paragraph–you would need to add a brief comment to indicate specifically that it was a success. The change in clothing styles for women was liberating, but “appalling their mothers” is not necessarily an indicator of success, nor is drinking alcohol. The union accomplishments are successes. Now you want to show how success led to failure. You don’t connect the Model T nor the union gains to the stock market crash. You don’t connect radio to the stock market crash, and you don’t connect the changes in women’s styles nor their drinking to the market crash. What you have really linked to the market crash is overconfidence. This could be a really good example, but to use it, I would suggest that you learn more about the ways in which overconfidence led to the market crash at the end of the 1920’s. For example, today people believe that bad mortgage derivatives had a lot to do with the downturn in the market in 2007. If you could identify the mechanism of overconfidence that led to the crash in the 1920’s (by reading more about this issue) that would improve your use of the example in future essays.</p>

<p>It is interesting that your first and third examples both involve overconfidence, whereas your second does not. In your conclusion, you could mention the idea that success leads to overconfidence, which can lead to a downfall, since two of your examples show that. This would let you recap the other route by which success can lead to a downfall, starting with "Also . . . "</p>

<p>I am not sure that The Great Gatsby illustrates the perils of success in the way that you have indicated. You could make a good argument that the carelessness of Tom and Daisy Buchanan resulted from their “success” in terms of wealth, and their carelessness was destructive–in fact you could write a really good paragraph about this, with specific examples taken from the book. On the other hand, Gatsby himself is not as good an illustration of this point. Wasn’t Gatsby was already pursuing the false dream, before he became wealthy? In fact, wasn’t that his motivation for seeking wealth? Also, if you are going to use The Great Gatsby as an example, it would probably be a good idea to reread the book. Why, really, did Gatsby die? What did he do that caused Myrtle’s husband to kill him? Your analysis would work better if you were making the point that the <em>pursuit</em> of monetary success is problematic.</p>

<p>There are a few minor issues of grammar and wording in the essay: For example, in the first sentence, you mention individuals, and then write “their future.” I think it would be better to make this “their futures,” since their futures will be somewhat different, presumably. The radio became an almost universal mode of what? “Mode” really needs to be followed by some kind of qualifier here. “Labor workers experience” should be “Labor workers experienced” in the sentence about unions. I don’t think that “faced” is the right word to use ahead of “growing stock market.” Your phrase “overconfident from” should probably be “overconfident due to” or “overconfident in.” (As an aside, the stock market crashed in 1929, not 1930, although the SAT essay graders will not deduct for that.) A person may covet money, but does not “covet to earn money.” One covets an object, not an infinitive. The past tense of “seek” is “sought,” not “seeked.” In the final sentence of that paragraph, when you mention “one” then you should not have “their lives” following it. In the paragraph about Jesse, you start off two sentences in a row with “As a result.” It would probably be better to write “Jesse’s example further shows” rather than “Jesse further shows.” In the final sentence, “destroy” would be better than “greatly destroy.”</p>

<p>Overall, you have the elements of a good essay. Your writing is lively and interesting, which are pluses. If you think a bit more critically about how each sentence advances the main points that you are making, your next essay should be very good.</p>

3

<p>**

  1. The Roaring 20’s was an unprecedented time in America’s history.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby also delineates the perils of success. </p></li>
<li><p>In the film, “A” Here I Come, Jesse is jubilant after receiving an A on a physics exam.**</p></li>
</ol>

<p>These aren’t reasons why success can be disastrous. Instead, they’re basically statements of fact.</p>

<p>Here’s how this breaks down (in decreasing order of importance):</p>

<p>ESSAY STRUCTURE: 3/6
VOCABULARY: 4/6 (would be a five if not for all the “word list” words)
SYNTAX: 5/6
PUNCTUATION and USAGE: 6/6 (not flawless but it doesn’t have to be)</p>