NEW critique my essay thread

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Heres another essay for you helpful people to critique/score/revise/comment.</p>

<p>From Blue Book Test #4:</p>

<p>Prompted question: Can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>My Essay:</p>

<p>Life is dictated by how the person treats his life. Success or failure can either turn out disastrous or uplifting. Can success be diastrous? Can success also be... success? The end result of success lies with how you handle and progress with your success. </p>

<p>In The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald, Gatsby was originally a normal lad. During his days as a poor man, he met a girl who turned out to be the girl of his dreams. When he later had to part with the girl due to outside discrepencies, he lived everyday thinking about the girl. Shortly afterwards, Gatsby became rich and famous. He was a success in that he lived the American dream only with the beautiful wife. With his wealth, he went to find the girl who had already married. Blinded by his own wealth and success, he believed that he could sway the girl back to him with his huge amount of money. With his money, he built a superficial relation with the girl. The relation soon turned into a disaster when the husband of the girl, Tom, ended up killing Gatsby. Gatsby used his wealth in a wrong way; he used it to buy his lost love. </p>

<p>Success can avoid being disastrous by using it correctly. Thomas Edison, a successful inventor, used his success to build upon a revolution. When he first found that he had a talent in invention, he invented many things by himself. By then, he had already became a success. Rather than wasting the moeny he received from success, he used it to build an invention factory. In it, he hired many different specialist, some in engineering and others in mechanics. Edison had used his success to build upon further success. </p>

<p>Success can be controlled. Gatsby used his success for his own fantasy. Edison used his sucess for a renovative, revolutionary concept. If one fails to use success correctly, it can turn disastrous. As long as one is careful with his own success, he will dodge disaster.</p>

<p>Heres my essay. I was running short of time so I didn't profreed it. Collegeboard computer scoring gave the essay a 10. Is this essay worth a 10? What does it take for me to score an 11 or 12.</p>

<p>Extra note: I ended up scoring a 710 on this Writing section, 170 points increase from what I got 1 week ago :). Maybe I was lucky :)</p>

2

<p>The essay is 4/6. I think you can pull it off with another example though. </p>

<p>Okay here is grammar part:</p>

<p>I think one mistake you constantly made was keep using "he" and "one" simultaneously. Let's look at example:</p>

<p>If one fails to use success correctly, it can turn disastrous. As long as one is careful with his own success, he will dodge disaster.</p>

<p>In the first sentence and beginning of the second sentence, you used "one" then suddenly, you changed to "his." I know that you used "he" in the introduction but just for sidenote: I think it's better to just continue with "one." This is because you do not know what type of gender the grader is. If you keep using "he," the grader, who may be female, will be unhappy (I'm just "supposing.") and not give you 5/6. Also, it's better to consider for all people then just saying "he" although it's common (I'm male so I didn't mind :-P).</p>

<p>Since CB gave you 10/12, I think I must've missed some good parts. But I'm more "used" to 3 examples so that may be why I didn't give 5/6. I remember seeing a 6/6 essay without 3 examples so yes, this is OK and I wish you good luck.</p>

<p>P.S. I need to post my essays too.. too lazy to write one up..</p>

3

<p>hmm thanks for the suggestions. so in that sentence, should i just use "one" instead of "he"?</p>

<p>more suggestions?</p>

4

<p>bump..................</p>

5

<p>I think this essay is fine. However, if you are aiming for 11 or 12, definately elaborate more, just bs one more example. And also write a longer introduction and conclusion.</p>

6

<p>The essay is good overall, but you repeatedly make the same grammar mistake. Always remember to describe a novel or story in the present tense.</p>

7

<p>^ = really? I always thought it was past tense. </p>

<p>You don't need another example, but if you elaborate more on your support paragraphs you can definitely get a 11 or 12. </p>

<p>Btw, Tom didn't kill Gatsby >_></p>

8

<p>hmm who killed gatsby.</p>

<p>hmm story in present tense. I've always just used a random tense.</p>

<p>how should i elaborate on my examples.</p>

9

<p>i just remembered that the mistress' husband killed .... hmmmm Tom?</p>

<p>lol confusing, but i think the killer was the husband.</p>

<p>did anybody make a wrong example or at least with wrong character and pay dearly with their SAT score?</p>

10

<p>
[quote]
^ = really? I always thought it was past tense.

[/quote]

Literary examples like The Great Gatsby should be written in the present tense, while historical examples should be written in the past.</p>