Grade my essay please

<p>Assignment : Do people benefit from adversity?
My response :</p>

<pre><code> As the saying goes ''No pain ,no gain'' .Many people suffer to achieve their goals . One has many dreams his or her wants to achieve .Working hard and tolerating the difficulties are the keys of success .In my perspective , people benefit from adversity to discover themselves . I will explain my point of view through two lucid examples below .

      For instance , the well-known character Oprah Winfrey . Oprah's manager told her that her face is not fit for the screen. In fact,not only she leave her job for this reason,but also she faced a kind of harassment during her work. Oprah's tenacity was bigger than anyone thinks .She refused to  give up.She rebounded and became the queen of television. Her television show received the highest rated program.

 Moreover,the foremost character Rosa Parks who did not give up her seat to a white man in Montgomery.She stood up for her belies .She did what many people were unable to do. As a result the discrimination disappeared between white people and black people . Adversity makes Rosa Parks discovers herself and becomes strong woman .

   In conclusion ,I explained my point of view through two lucid examples .One has to try over and over again to reach what his or her wants. Adversity is the reason behind the big success .

</code></pre>

<p>How to enhance my writing any tips ?</p>

<ol>
<li>Grammar is a big issue in this. You don’t have to have amazing vocab but make sure your grammar is correct. (I.e. Parallel structure, singular plural agreement, subject tense, etc.)</li>
<li>Don’t say “I will show with two lucid examples…”, show, not tell.</li>
<li>Elaborate more on the two examples you chose, they’re not bad examples, but definitely need more (unless it surpasses the word limit already)</li>
<li>Stronger conclusion, it needs to leave the admissions officers like “WOW”, or as its typically known, an “AHA” moment.
The hook/introduction is pretty good.</li>
</ol>

<p>Thanks a lot Nehc97 </p>