Grade my essay please

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

We live in a world that values action over thought. The idea of taking time to reflect and think things through is out of favor. Our most popular movies and novels focus on action, not reflection, and our most admired public figures are praised for what they do, not for what they think. While there is something to be said for taking action instinctively and without hesitation, the fact is that people put too much emphasis on action.

Assignment: Is it a mistake to value action over thought? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

In the world we are living in, people tend to highly value action while overlooking the necessity of thought and reflection. This approach can be problematic because only by thinking deeply before taking action can we make right choices and achieve success. Therefore, thought is more important than action and should be valued more. This notion is supported by a plethora of examples from great literary works
A compelling example that demonstrates the considerable importance of reflection is Holden Caufield, the protagonist of the novel “The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D,Salinger.Throughout the novel, Holden is characterized by his impulsive actions, from dropping out of school to travelling to New York alone and engaging in meaningless encounters. He barely takes the time to seriously think about what to do next and just does everything that pops up in his mind. It is this lack of thought and introspection that makes Holden’s frantic quest for companionship seem hopeless and futile. Not considering the consequences of his action or looking into his own shortcomings, Holden cannot make any progress in improving himself and just keeps looking at the world through a bitterly cynical lense, which makes him even more desperate and antagonistic towards other people. Only when Holden realizes the need for introspection and thinking before taking action can he really develop a more mature of the world around him.
Another example that illustrates the dire consequences of acting before serious consideration is Romeo and Juliet from the eponymous play by Shakespeare. Caring only about their ardent and passionate love for each other, the couple ignore the rivalry between the two families and make plans to run away together. However, this decision is entirely impulsive and their escape is not planned thoroughly. Romeo and Juliet are too focused on their action that they neglect the importance of deep thoughts about what to do precisely. As a result, there are a great number of misunderstandings that lead to a tragic ending. Juliet only feigns death to get out of the house, but Romeo thinks that she has really passed away and eventually kills himself to be with her. However, when Juliet wakes up and realizes that Romeo is dead because of that misunderstanding, she also commits suicide. The couple’s bittersweet romance and their heartbreaking demise shows the horrendous consequences of not valuing thought and overemphasizing action
In conclusion, it is not a wise option to ignore the thinking and planning process before doing anything because this lack of thought may lead to unwanted results.
*I filled up two pages

2

As a whole, your essay provides good examples to back up your argument. Notable flaws include a significant number of grammatical errors and a weak conclusion.

I see nothing majorly wrong with your introduction - it’s concise and makes it clear what you believe is the answer to the question. I especially like how you elaborate that ‘overlooking the necessity of thought and reflection’ can be ‘problematic’. Just a few minor things - you forgot to add a period after ‘literary works’. Typo? And secondly, though it is not essential, it is usually a good idea to introduce the examples you will use in your introductory paragraph. After all, an INTROduction is supposed to INTROduce the content of your essay. In your case, it might look something like this: ‘…supported by a plethora of examples from great literary works, SUCH AS The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger and Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare’.

Moving on to your first example. Let’s tackle the grammatical errors first:
-You used a comma instead of a period to denote initials in J.D. Salinger. Typo again, I presume. Also note that there should be a space between J.D. and Salinger.
-You use the British spelling of ‘traveling’, with two l’s. As the SATs is an American test, I would strongly advise against using it.
-It should be ‘lenses’, not ‘lense’.
-Finally, you say ‘a more mature of the world’. A more mature what?
As for the content of your example, it’s good. The Catcher in the Rye is certainly an apt work of literature to detail the importance of thought before action. The problem is that you spend far too much of the paragraph talking about the ramifications of action without delving into the potential benefits of deep thought. The paragraph is mostly concerned with how Holden’s ‘impulsive actions’ were detrimental to his character and way of life. All good and fine, but only the last sentence - briefly - explains what happens when Holden turns over a new leaf and places greater importance on thought. Another sentence that elaborates on the benefits of valuing thoughts over actions would strengthen your argument as to the importance of thought over action.

Again, starting with the grammatical errors of your next paragraph:
-’…THEIR ardent and passionate love for EACH OTHER, the couple…’ I capitalized the mistakes you made. Why is it a mistake? Remember that ‘couple’ is singular. And if its singular, can you use the plural pronoun, ‘their’’ to refer to it? No, you cannot; you must use ‘its’. For the same reason you cannot use ‘each other’, which can only be used when the subject is plural. If you’d like to keep ‘their’ and ‘each other’, then you’d have to change ‘the couple’ to ‘Romeo and Juliet’.
-the couple ignore…’ Once again, couple is singular, so ‘ignore’ should be ‘ignores’.
'Romeo and Juliet are too focused on their action… ‘action’ should be ‘actions’, as I’m sure there’s more than just one ‘action’.
-‘couple’s bittersweet romance and their…’ For the same reason that couple is singular, ‘their’ should be ‘its’.
Once again you fail to elaborate on how fully fledged-out thought is important, instead purely focusing on the actions of Romeo and Juliet. Though this does succeed in answering the question as to how valuing actions over thoughts is a great mistake, you’ll score even more points with the reader if you then explain how valuing thoughts over actions could have led to a better end for Romeo and Juliet and therefore is not a mistake.

Your conclusion is undoubtedly the weakest part of the essay. Way too short, and all it does is to weakly repeat what you basically stated in the beginning of your essay. Lack of time, I presume? In future, it will be better to spend less time on writing the first and second examples. As a general note, a good conclusion usually ties in the examples in a simple sentence that reiterates the nature of the argument, before proceeding to provide a short, yet powerful elaboration on your stance that marks a great impression on the reader. Powerful elaborations can be achieved by a myriad of ways - using sophisticated diction, quoting well known figures or works, philosophizing a life lesson from your stance, etc.

9/12. The biggest minus is definitely the conclusion - make sure you leave enough time at the end to put one in there. Fix the grammatical errors and provide stronger elaboration for your examples, and you just may see yourself getting a 12.

Disclaimer:
This is my personal opinion and my projected score may not accurately reflect the real scores given by the actual SAT essay graders. My opinion is independent of that of PaulAcademy International.

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Thank you very much

4

Please grade my 2nd essay. Thank you very much
Prompt: Are people’s lives the result of their choices?

Some people believe that their lives are at the mercy of fate and have little to do with the choices they make. However, the fact remains that people’s decisions and their consequences will determine the course of their future. In other words, people’s lives are the result of what they choose to do. This notion is supported by a plethora of examples from literary works as well as from real life

A compelling example that demonstrates how one’s future is dependent on one’s choices is Jay Gatsby, the protagonist of the novel “The Great Gatsby” by F. Scott. Fitzgerald. Gatsby’s decision to pursue his goal of winning back Daisy, the girl of his dream propels him to rise from impoverished circumstances to build up an enormous fortune. In order to impress Daisy, he also jettisons his former lower-class identity and recasts himself as the fabulously wealthy man he envisions. All of the tremendous changes in Gatsby’s life are the result of his choice to gain back Daisy’s love. Furthermore, this decision also leads to him taking the blame for her when she causes an accident, and eventually sacrificing his life for her. It can be clearly seen from the example of Gatsby that the decisions one makes in life have a huge impact on how the future will turn out to be

Another example that effectively illustrates the notion that people’s choices in life will determine the events in the future is Steve Jobs, the former CEO of Apple Inc., one of the leading companies in the field of information technology. Job’s decision to take an ardent interest in his early life would ultimately lead to significant developments in his career later on. He would drop out of college to pursue his ambitious goal of setting up an electronic company. He would come up with innovative product ideas that were destined to revolutionize the digital world. He would transform Apple from a small company that started in his garage to a multi-billlion enterprise that produces the finest technologies in the world. All of these astounding achievements were possible because Jobs decided to materialize his dreams and made enormous efforts to do so. It is clearly demonstrated that Jobs’ amazing life and his status as “the Father of the Digital Revolution” all came from the decisions that he made in his life

To recapitulate, people’s lives are the result of their choices. Understanding this, we should try to make wise decisions since they will largely determine the path our life takes, instead of blaming everything on fate. As Albert Einstein once said: “The choices you make today will decide how your future will be”

*Notes

  • I filled up 2 pages
  • I kinda made up some details in the Steve Jobs example
  • I made up that Einstein’s quote lol