Grade my essay please?

Hi! Sorry for asking this ever-reposted request. But I don’t really know anyone who could grade my essay. :l Here’s my essay:

Prompt: Is achievement the result of expecting more of oneself than others do of themselves?

Achievement often results from having higher expectances of oneself than those around you do. This point can be supported by examples from history and current events.

One example is that of Anne Frank, a girl who lived during World Wor II. In her diary, she wrote that she did not want to be ‘‘just’’ a normal girl whose only purpose is to take care of the house, even though at that time this was considered a normal thing to do for females. Anne wanted to be a writer, and so she started to write. As a result, she became famous in the whole world thanks to her popular work, ‘‘The Diary of a Young Girl’’, which is one of the most widely read books ever written. Clearly, it is due to her wish to be better than ‘‘normal’’ girls that she achieved such a feat.

Malala Yousafzai’s actions are another example that proves that expecting more of oneself than others do of themselves leads to achievement. Malala was born in a country where girls were regarded as less important than boys. While most girls chose to comply to this belief, she decided to speak up for what she believed in. She demanded that girls be treated the same way as boys are, since she knew that both males and females deserve to be treated equally. After facing many obsacles, Malala managed to start a global movement in support of education for all, achieveng numerous awards and even the Nobel Peace Prize.

If we want to achieve great things, we need to set higher expectances for ourselves than most people do. Higher expectances combined with higher effort are always tantamount with greater achievements.

bump

I would give this a 8 or 9. There is some awkward phrasing, like “having higher expectances of oneself than those around you do.” Also, the essay is a bit short. Try elaborating on the examples, such as stating Malala’s country, etc., and incorporating more strong vocabulary like “tantamount.”

Thanks @ouch29. I wasn’t expecting an 8 or 9. o_o

I would probably give this a 7 or an 8. I think that you have solid points; however, it is a little short. Also, I think that you should expand more on others’ expectations and what those expecations were and how they are lower than those set by Anne Frank/Malala.