Please grade my SAT essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi everyone. I will be taking SAT 1 in January next year and am starting my prep. Here is an essay I have written and I would appreciate it very much if you could give it a grade, as well as give constructive feedback on how I could improve my writing in the future. </p>

<p>The prompt: Can success be disastrous? Plan and write an essay blah blah</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>Humans live to pursue one goal - success. Be it success in one's career, success in one's social life or even success in one's studies, the desire for success is what drives us every single day. Yet, success can sometimes bring about disastrous consequences once we attain it - it can create obsession and unwanted pressure.</p>

<p>Sometimes, when a person achieves the success they so desire, it can make them obsessed with pursuing further success. Achieving that certain goal that an individual has chased for so long will definitely make that person feel overwhelmingly elated at their achievement. The joy leads to increased motivation to achieve more. While this is good, too much drive can lead to neglect in other important aspects in life. Let us take for instance a woman who is highly ambitious in ascending the corporate ladder. As she attains more and more promotions, she feels increasingly proud of herself very proud. The pride is further fueled by her parents, who praise her for her achievements. As such, she pushes herself to achieve more, working overtime to gain her boss's approval. She starts to work on weekends and works for over twelve hours a day. The obsession with getting promoted leads her to neglect her health and her family, which are equally, if not more, essential aspects of her life. </p>

<p>Alternatively, success can also bring about unwarranted stress on an individual as they find themselves constantly having to produce good results. When one finds themselves a high-achiever, one tends to become more self-conscious - one will start to feel that everybody is watching him/her, expecting more and more achievements. Having achieved great success and therefore recognition, further success is no longer a blessing but a requirement. Vincent van Gogh drove himself crazy after each masterpiece he created. In a diary entry found, he recorded that every single day, he was burdened with the thought that his next work would be a flop - it would bring down his reputation as a great artiest. Failure to produce anything would lead to the same results. It is later alleged that he committed suicide after being driven crazy due to his self-inflected pressure caused by his success. </p>

<p>In conclusion, success is a good thing - perhaps in the short run. However, if one is unable to control one's thoughts and is unable to cope with the consequences of success, success can really bring about a disaster to one's life. </p>

<p>(the example on Vincent van Gogh was really crapped up - I remembered listening to a TED talk on a similar situation, but I forgot the person's name and I vaguely remembered she vaguely mentioned this happening to an artist, so I just put down Vincent van Gogh)</p>

<p>Thank you so much!</p>

2

<p>Bump please</p>

3

<p>Bumpppppppp again, anyone??</p>

4

<p>3rd bump can anyone help?</p>

5

<p>I’m sorry you had to wait so long for a response. At this moment I’m working with another kid, but I’ll get to this tonight if I’m awake enough to do so in a coherent and clear manner. (Right now it’s 10:21pm in my cave.)</p>

<p>Please respond when you read this so that I’ll know whether to drink another cup of coffee (which I don’t mind doing IF you’ll be reading tonight).</p>

<p>A quick read tells me that this is a four; a close read will reveal additional info.</p>

6

<p>Thanks:) It’s nice that you came to help :slight_smile: I’m an international student so I don’t really know the requirements of a sat essay and thus need a lot of help.</p>

7

<p>Here are a few suggestions that I think will help you score higher on the essay, econsftw:</p>

<p>1) Rather than using hypothetical cases (as in your first example), you should use specific instances from history or fiction. This will bring your essay to life. Your paragraph about Vincent van Gogh is stronger than the first paragraph. Even if the artist in question wasn’t Vincent van Gogh, that’s ok. The SAT graders do not fault you for errors of fact. </p>

<p>2) Watch out for agreement in number, between different parts of your sentences. For example, in the sentence, “Sometimes, when a person achieves the success they so desire, it can make them obsessed with pursuing further success,” you start with “a person.” Therefore, all of your subsequent references to the person should be singular, not plural. The words “they” and “them” are out of place in this sentence. Alternatively, you could change “a person” to “people.” Similarly, in a later sentence, you switch from “an individual” to “their achievement.” In another paragraph, you have written “when one finds themselves.” This is also incorrect. The number needs to be consistent throughout.</p>

<p>3) Write what you know. This is advice commonly given to aspiring writers in the US. Your hypothetical example of the working woman will seem strange to American readers. Americans would assume that a woman who has received “more and more promotions” is motivated by her own drive for success, and not much influenced by her parent’s praise. Are you really writing about pre-college academic performance in this paragraph, and trying to achieve some distance by attributing the experiences and feelings to an older person in a different setting? It is perfectly acceptable to use autobiographical examples on an SAT essay. Also, it will give your writing more power and immediacy, especially if you can cite specifics.</p>

<p>4) Watch your proof-reading. For example, you have the sentence, “As she attains more and more promotions, she feels increasingly proud of herself very proud.” I am not sure what you intended with the “very proud” at the end of this sentence.</p>

<p>5) Watch out for constructions that are called “dangling participles.” For example, you have the sentence, “Having achieved great success and therefore recognition, further success is no longer a blessing but a requirement.” “Having achieved” is a perfect participle. That means that it functions as an adjective. When it starts a sentence, the first words after the comma need to designate the person who has achieved great success. You have followed up with “further success.” But it is not “further success” that has achieved great success. Understanding this point will also help you spot errors in sentences in other parts of the writing test. </p>

<p>6) Watch out for your use of “as such.” The words “as such” should really be used to mean “because a person or object has a position or condition mentioned in the previous sentence,” and not more generally to mean “because of that.”</p>

8

<p>Thanks a lot! I’ll take note of those tips… </p>

<p>by the way, is it better to follow this structure for an essay…</p>

<p>Intro: thesis statement
Body:
Para 1) example to prove thesis
Para 2) another example
…
Conclusion</p>

<p>Or this structure? :</p>

<p>(This is the one similar to my essay’s)
Intro: thesis statement
Body:
Para 1) topic sentence and explain with examples
Para 2) same format as para 1
…
Conclusion</p>