Grade my essay!! SAT is in TWO days! D:

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1

<p>DO PEOPLE NEED DISCIPLINE TO ACHIEVE FREEDOM?</p>

<p>People do need discipline in order to achieve freedom. We are rewarded with liberties only after we abide to laws and rules. Similarly, out country does not reward havoc wreckers to privilege of freedom for the same reason. Several examples that demonstrate this belief can be found in both literature and history. </p>

<p>As demonstrated in our very own country, America, our government rewards people based on their decorum. People who listen, respect, and follow the dictated rules live in the luxury of citizenship. They are allowed to vote, make radical changes in their capitol (state or nation), and enjoy the life of freedom. In contrast, convicts, such as murderers, robbers, live a life of constant watch. They can't make radical changes, etc. In fact, people who was (or in jail currently) cannot vote in our country's elections. These laws are placed for two reasons: one, to appreciate citizenship, and two, to give more rights and freedom to the good citizens of the country. Thus, in comparison with the two type of people living in any nation, it can be clearly shown that countries give more rights to disciplined, self controlled people. </p>

<p>Likewise, in literature, authors also depict characters limited in a small box after disobeying strict rules. Hester Prynne, in the Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne, lives in a life of relative seclusion. People rarely talk to her based on her previous trouble as an adulter. Back in the colonial times, any married person who is convicted on cheating on his or her spouse can essentially say bye-bye to his/her rights. And so, that was what happened to Prynne. Neighbors mocked her. Children scurried away when Hester and her child appeared. And governmental officials pointed to the mother-daughter as an example of what may happen to the citizens if they followed their footsteps. Although this narrative is fictional, it does show how paramount society values on discipline. If one didn't hold back sinful crimes, one lost all freedom privileges.</p>

<p>The last example can be found in history. DUring the Civil Rights and Women's movements, both groups demonstrated high standards of decorum in order for the public to agree that they (The women and the African Americans) should gain natural rights. For example, when women wanted to gain privileges promised by the Bill of Rights they worked just as hard as men (if not harder), to show they were equal to men's capabilities. In the same way, African AMericans showed their strength and agility through the many ways they contributed to the many nation's wars. Causing havoc would not have persuaded the public (As shown by the vicious raid on John Harper's Ferry, which got the Africans no rights at all, but only more condemnation). But because of their self control and discipline, they were granted the numerous rights they hoped to achieve.</p>

<p>After a close analysis of literature, history, and politics, it is evident that in order to gain more rights, one must abide and follow the rules placed on them. Practicing decorum allowed many people to gain the rights they desired. However, not practicing it caused some characters to live horrible, miserable lives. Freedom is a privilege. Earn it.</p>

<p>[reading it over, I noticed quite a few (more like a lot) grammatical mistakes. How do you prevent this from happening??]</p>

2

<p>Bump guise!!!</p>

3

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<p>Grade the essay before yours… and they’ll grade urs… :P</p>

4

<p>I think its a 3 but you could get to a 4 because you have good length. There are grammatical problems sprinkled throughout (" people who was", “adulter”) and I didnt find your argument that convincing. </p>

<p>For instance, your first example uses the example of people who are physically jailed. That seems extreme. What about the vast majority of the population that arent incarcerated- they have different level of self-discipline but their apparently level of freedom is identical under your criterion. I think that you would be better of demonstrating how a low level of self-control (not doing homework, spending all of your money) leads to lack of freedom of choice (not having the grades to get into college, not having money saved to buy a house). </p>

<p>Your 3rd example is the strongest- contrasting the success of well organized movements to the havoc of Harper’s Ferry. That is supporting your thesis. </p>

<p>In general you have a good structure for your essay so you should be able to get to a 5 with stronger examples. For a 6 you should really used the conclusion to demonstrate that your argument progressed and supports your thesis from a variety of perspectives.</p>

5

<p>Could you score my essay out of 12 as well?
Topic:Can what we value be determined only by what we sacrifice?
I agree with the motion that what we value can be determined only by what we sacrifice. Before I state my arguments, we have to understand that we as a species, tend to look for the easy way out when we are given a task to complete. In other words we are very lazy. This laziness often clouds our justice and causes us to do things we would not have done if there was something on the line. This just goes to prove the fact that we perform better when the stakes are higher. The world we live in consists of undeniable corruption on all levels of its infrastructure. Honest people find it hard to make a living, and in some extreme cases are subject to prosecution just because they did not want the unjust to go around with a broad smile on their faces. In the ensuing paragraphs I will attempt to elaborate on how this phenomena exists in our society by the adept use of personal anecdotes along with instances that have occurred in our society.
Last year, I had to encounter the dreaded Cambridge O’ Level examinations. My father had been a studious young man who had successfully tackled these tests and had proven him self a talented candidate. Now I was being pressurized to follow in his footsteps. My exam was in two weeks time and I had barely started studying. I was far from concerned, and was more interested in the patterns formed by clouds than in my studying. I used to play video games and watch television for most of the day and would talk over the telephone just to waste time. It was then when my father decided to take away all of my luxurious past times (given my test scores). At first I was outraged, I felt uneasy and light headed at the thought of having to study for more than an hour a day. I argued over this incident for two days. When it finally occurred to me that I would not get my entertainment back, I truly began to study. My attention span increased, and in a matter of days my test scores improved. I finally gave my O’ Level exams and was not so surprised to see that I had passed with flying colors. I gave up my entertainment and my social life to study hard for my exams, and in the end I succeeded in maintaining the good name of my father.
Now I will explain how sacrifices are made in our society. Recently, a huge scandal involving the Bank of Scotland was uncovered. It was revealed that three regional managers were proven guilty of stealing and transferring funds from customers. Over a period of two years they had successfully stolen over 1.75% of the bank’s total influx of funds. As heinous a crime as it seems, a lesson is to be learned from it. These thieves were uncovered and publicly revealed by none other than the Bank of Scotland itself, which stated that the only thing that it values as a firm, are the customers. They sacrificed their own good name and lost potential clients, just because they cared about honesty and the thoughts of the customers. They also returned (in full) the sums of money that had been stolen (which put them in loss) to their clients. And although it was predicted that clients would stop funding the bank. Funding and revenue actually increased, because the ordinary citizens saw honesty and morals and continued to fund them.
All in all I believe that I have firmly established the fact that people often sacrifice things for what they value. It is a truth that has to be accepted by our society on all levels.</p>

6

<p>I would expect this to receive around a 9/12. </p>

<p>Your main strength is that this is an extremely long essay for writing by hand for 20 minutes. The essay is choppy at some points, especially in spots where your grammar makes it awkward to read. For instance, the idiomatic phrase for the verb ‘abide’ is ‘abide by’ not ‘abide to.’ Also, I didn’t really feel like your examples were so poignant.</p>