Post your 11/12 essay here!

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<p>The other topic on this forum about posting essays only asks students to provide an account of what they wrote. I learned it was more helpful to read sample top-scoring essays than to read how someone went about doing the essay. I realized that an essay did not need to be perfect or even very well-written; it did not need complicated vocabulary; and it did not need to be polished. People who have asked me about the SAT essay have also found it helpful to read essays as well.</p>

<p>The format should go like this:</p>

<p>Date:
Score:
Length:
Question:
Essay:
Notes:</p>

<p>When you post your essay, please make sure that you write it exactly as you did in your testing center - don't correct any mistakes you may have made when you wrote the essay.</p>

<p>I'll start.</p>

<p>Date: June 2011
Score: 12
Length: 2 pages, 533 words
Question: Does every achievement bring with it new challenges?
Essay: As an individual or a group makes progress, new obstacles and challenges are inevitable. Solving one issue forces one to address a new issue that results from the initial achievement.</p>

<pre><code> When the Civil War came to a close, the Thirteenth Amendment, banning slavery, and the Fourteenth Amendment, protecting the rights of citizens (including former slaves), were passed. Now that the country had shed its former practice of slavery, it faced a wide variety of new problems. How would the seceded states make their way back into the Union? How would the nation hinder the endeavors of anti-abolitionists to prevent full political, economic, and social equality of blacks? By what means would our government place these former slaves on an equal level with the whites? Although the achievement of abolition furthered America's progress, this accomplishment came with an almost overwhelming amount of new issues.

Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn describes the adventures of a young boy, Huck, who succeeds in escaping the clutches of his licentious and abusive father. Now that he was free to do what he wanted, he faced several new challenges. He had little food and no reliable method of obtaining sustenance. Because he left his house with 'evidence' that he had been killed - so that no one would search for him - he needed to stay obscured from public. He also needed to decide where he was to go, how he would get there, and where he would live. Although Huck had fulfilled his goal of escaping his home, he faced a plethora of challenges which he would have to face eventually.

Soon after World War II, America stepped out of its isolationist policies and began to aid the relatively destitute European nations. Because these nations were vulnerable, they were subject to the ruthless policies of the Soviet Union, which wanted to absorb other nations and convert them to communist countries. Particularly, in 1948 the Soviet Union tried to seize the nearby countries of Greece and Turkey. Seeing the expansion of communism as a threat to the safety of the world, President Truman ordered that 400 million dollars in economic aid be given to Greece and Turkey so that they may resist the Soviet Union; he also gave a speech, which came to be known as the Truman Doctrine, in which he proclaimed that America would help all countries that were "resisting subjugation" by communist nations. Greece and Turkey successfully escaped the grasp of the Soviet Union; however, this achievement by the help of Americans was followed by several challenges. Tensions between the two superpowers, America and the Soviet Union, inevitably rose. Both countries soon began developing atomic and nuclear bombs that could easily devastate a large area. The Soviet Union continue to try to gain countries and build up a formidable force. America stood in fear of what the Soviet Union would do. Although America had succeeded in containing communism from Greece and Turkey, several urgent problems and challenges arose that would need to be addressed by America to keep America and Europe safe.

The idea that an achievement brings with it new challenges is pervasive in society. Accomplishments spark progress, which inevitably leads to more obstacles to overcome.
</code></pre>

<p>Notes: I indented each paragraph and underlined "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" when I wrote this. I also inserted a few extra words with carets.</p>

2

<p>Wow! I like your essay, it’s really good. If i’m not mistaken, did you learn the historical facts in AP US history haha. I used some of my knowledge of the Vietnam War in my essay, got an 8 :(</p>

3

<p>length: 3 pages
words: 676
score: 11</p>

<p>If elaborated more on the third paragraph, I might have gotten a 12. But oh well haha!</p>

<p>The saying that an achievement brings more challenges is very similar to another saying “The more you discover, the less you know”. As an individual, group, or even a nation progress, it will meet new obstacles which it has never faced before. It’s natural as one keeps climbing the achievement ladder. </p>

<p>During the early 20th century, many European colonies had initiated movements to become an autonomous, independent nation. Most of these colonies were suppressed by the supposedly superior Europeans for centuries. However the First World War, which was more a civil war between European nations, left them debilitated and exposed Europe’s weaknesses. Eventually influential leaders won over their people’s hearts, and there was a surge of nationalism in these colonies leading to eventual independence. This was an enormous achievement for the colonies as they have suffered for what seemed like eternity only to come out successful. However, celebrations wouldn’t last long as post-colonial life brought an abundance of its own problems. Most of the newly independent nations were still economically underdeveloped and thus had a poor population. Even as they tried to develop, they couldn’t develop a large of enough work force as hundreds of millions of people were waiting to be immediately employed. In addition, many of the new nations tried various government systems, especially totalitarianism, which only had adverse effects as the people weren’t ready to accept the new changes. Now that they were independent nations, they could no longer depend on the Europeans to solve their problems and were essentially alone. Clearly, achieving independence bought a prodigious amount of obstacles in the post-colonial times.</p>

<p>In addition, this saying is prevalent in many novels. One well known novel which relates to this is Mary Shelly’s “Frankenstein”. In Frankenstein, a man named Victor lives in Geneva, Switzerland during the 19th century. Victor had always been an ambitious man and had a deep interest in science. As he studies to become a great chemist at a university, he gets a sudden urge to learn more about the natural world. He is bewildered complex yet beautiful way the nature and life works. In order to fill his hunger for knowledge he longs to create life. After many months of hard work, Victor creates a creature which is superior to humans in every aspect in hopes that it would help humanity. At that moment he was elated that he created “life”. However, this incredulous scientific experiment brought with it a whole new set of challenges which Victor had not even thought of. The new creature was born physically as a fully developed being, but physiologically as baby. Victor couldn’t bear to face his creature as it too ugly and abandons it. The creature ventures out of the lab with the hopes of finding its “father”. Since the creature was still developing physiologically, it didn’t know right from wrong. As a result, the creature accidentally murders a child because of his emotions. Victor hears about the murder and goes into a state of shock. As the creature continues to murder more innocent lives, Victor starts losing his mind as it slowly drifts closer to the voluminous abyss. Through all this commotion, Victor still has to find himself again so that he can resolve his problems. Again, the saying plays a role in Victor’s life. His great achievements are quickly obscured by the upcoming challenges.</p>

<p>This saying could also be applied to science, especially physics. Physicists have always been wondering how the universe operates and the laws governing it. Throughout the past millennium, many advancements in the field have been made but none more than Albert Einstein. Hailed widely as the greatest physicist, he challenged old views and came up with brilliant solutions which have puzzled others. Even with all these achievements Einstein fell short of explaining the universe in one grand equation, an equation that has yet to be discovered.</p>

<p>In conclusion, achievements do bring new imposing obstacles as seen through the lucid examples. Clearly as one climbs up the ladder of success it inadvertently leads to more challenges.</p>

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<p>herozero1234: Yeah, haha, I used what I knew from AP U.S. History. I don’t know a lot about the Vietnam War (I almost shouted with joy when I saw that the Nixon essay was a DBQ on the AP exam so that I didn’t have to do it all on my own).</p>

<p>eagles94: 3 pages? How?</p>

6

<p>Date: October 2011
Score: 12
Length: Almost 2 pages, 449 words
Question: Do people need discipline to achieve freedom?
Essay: Freedom requires one to sacrifice certain practice, adhere to specific rules, and continuously impose self-control. Discipline is required for one to attain freedom; the only ones who are free demonstrate strong disciplinary actions and a refined mindset. The patience instilled in oneself through discipline is requisite to liberty.</p>

<p>During the 1850s, the issue of slavery had escalated to the point at which the U.S. faced the threat of separation. People grew more disparate as they adopted an increasingly radical mindset, and the issue further strained national tensions. Slaves had been causing outright uproars, disrupting the fabric of the government and society by recklessly violating their masters’ wishes. In 1854, Harriet-Beecher Stowe published her heartwrenching memoir about slavery entitled Uncle Tom’s Cabin; or, Life Among the Lonely. Throughout her work, she insisted that slavery needed to be abolished, and that it was natural for individual to resort to violence and radical measures, but slavery would be eradicated only if everyone was in agreement about abolition. For this, slaves and abolitionists needed to impose self-discipline and control their anger. Through hardship and patience, the end of slavery would be realized. Abraham Lincoln soon thereafter became president and assimilated this idea into his actions. In 1865, slavery was abolished. Though the conflict had still been escalating, more individuals were enforcing self-discipline, which is noted by several historians as a major factor in the turning point of history at which abolition was ensured.</p>

<p>Frank McCourt’s Angela’s Ashes also demonstrates the necessity of discipline in order to attain freedom. Frankie, the protagonist of the novel, had moved from New York to Ireland, where he felt like an outsider in nearly every way possible: he was in utter destitution, he didn’t understand several Irish customs and practices that conflicted with those he had been taught in America, and he was ruthlessly teased by other students and authorities for sticking out as a “Yankee.” He found solace in his dedicated mother, who told him that patience and discipline would eventually benefit him and allow him to be successful. Following her advice, he dealt with his peers and strived to reach his ideal self through discipline and an assiduous attitude towards his studies. Finally, he realized his potential when he graduated from high school and was admitted into Oxford University with generous aid. Frankie had refined himself over a period of several years, perpetually imposing self-discipline and finally achieving freedom from his struggles.</p>

<p>Freedom is an ideal that all people inherently strive for. Discipline is necessary to prepare an individual for achieving the goal of liberty, because it refines the mind and allows one to function in society as an individual prepared to contribute to the world.</p>

<p>Notes: This just shows how badly written and erroneous an essay that receives a 12 can be. I was seriously expecting a 6 as soon as I scribbled down my last thoughts in the conclusion. The book titles were underlined in the essay.</p>

7

<p>Date: October 2011
Score: 11
Length: Full 2 pages, 598 words
Question: Do people need discipline to achieve freedom?</p>

<p>Essay:
People often like to complain about discipline because it includes rules and limitations, which they believe encroach on their freedoms. However, discipline is often essential in everyday situations, because it is only through self-control and organization that we are able to accomplish anything of importance. I have learned this both through my own personal experience, and Homer’s epic, The Odyssey. In both cases, I saw that temptation and desire are very powerful things, and that discipline is the only thing that can curb them and help a person achieve true freedom from their weaknesses.
I learned the value of discipline when, in the summer after my 8th grade year, I was given free reign in my house and proceeded to overindulge myself in watching television. My television privileges had previously been strictly limited by my parents, and although I had resented that, I soon realized that I needed that discipline. During the aforementioned summer, I watched TV all day for most days, and lounged around the house in a state of apathy. While I thought that I was enjoying myself for the first few weeks, I soon began to feel the effects of my overindulgence. However, I did not take this as a sign to change my ways, and so continued wasting time in front of the TV for most of the summer. By the end, I realized that I had left all my school’s summer reading to the last minute, and also that I was all but sick of TV. It was then that I saw that I needed discipline in my life. When my parents had imposed limitations on my watching TV, watching it became more precious to me, and I also had been to be very studious without distractions. Therefore, from then on, although I did not always enjoy following the rules, I subjected myself to my parents’ discipline without complaint.
One can also see the value of discipline in The Odyssey, an epic story by Homer, specifically in the story of Circe’s island. When Odysseus and his men end up wasting a whole year away on the island, they learn that they need some control and limitations in their lives. When the men first landed on the island, Circe, a sorceress, turned many of them into animals. However, with the help of the god Hermes, Odysseus impressed Circe with his strength, and she became much more hospitable. Unfortunately, life was so comfortable and easy on her island, that Odysseus and his men became distracted from their main goal of sailing back to their homeland of Ithaca, and instead ended up staying a whole year feasting and drinking on Circe’s island. If Odysseus and his men had used some self-discipline, they would not have wasted so much time. As it was, their lack of self-control cost them a whole year’s worth of wasted time. The theme of temptation can be found throughout The Odyssey, and Odysseus is often unable to resist his desires. Therefore, it is evident that he needed discipline in order to achieve his goal of reaching home, and, ultimately, true freedom.
People often find it difficult, if not downright impossible, to resist temptation. This is not their fault: it is human nature to be constantly overwhelmed by various desires. However, this means that people must consciously control themselves. This is the very definition of discipline. I learned this in my summer after 8th grade, and Odysseus learns it throughout his journey home. In the end, amidst all the worldly temptations we face every day, it is discipline that truly helps us succeed.</p>

<p>Notes: I guess the guy who gave me a 6 must have been some Homer fan in a good mood, because my personal example was complete bull.</p>