Grade my essay? Thanks

<p>Prompt:
A better understanding of other people contributes to the development of moral virtues. We shall be both kinder and fairer in our treatment of others if we understand them better. Understanding ourselves and understanding others are connected, since as human beings we all have things in common.
-Adapted from Anne Sheppard, Aesthetics: An Introduction to the Philosophy of Art </p>

<p>Assignment: Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?</p>

<p>Essay:
We need to understand other people in order to understand ourselves because our interactions with others demonstrate our own values. My experiences with friends, the novel Beloved, and the movie The Blind Side demonstrate the importance of relationships with other people.</p>

<pre><code>In my own life, I have discovered more about my values through responses to my friends than by simple self-reflection. My friend, Anne, has issues with eating. She was sent to a clinic to deal with her anorexia. When this occurred, I attempted to understand why she would let this issue become so problematic. Through my opinions of her actions, I learned much about myself. I discovered that I understand the pressures she was under that resulted in her condition, but that I do not condone a problem getting that serious before receiving any help. I realized that if I ever had a major problem, I would seek help immediately. Therefore, through Anne’s struggles with anorexia, I discovered how I would handle a similar situation.

Similarly, in Beloved by Toni Morrison, the characters’ relationships to each other and the past define who they are. Sethe and Paul D. both struggle with their harsh pasts of slavery. When they reveal their stories to each other, Sethe accepts Paul D., but Paul D. runs away from Sethe. Although they have similarly excruciating stories, Sethe’s reaction to Paul D. demonstrates her value of accepting others’ pasts. This value also manifests itself when she is later able to come to terms with her own past.

Furthermore, relationships to people with lives that are extremely different also demonstrate a person’s moral virtues. In The Blind Side, Lyeanne takes Big Mike, a homeless boy, into her home. As their relationship grows, she comes to better understand him. For example, she learns that Big Mike is highly protective. When she realizes this characteristic, Lyeanne discovers that she too is extremely protective, especially of Big Mike.

Through personal experience, literature, and the media, it is evident that the more a person learns about others, the more he or she learns of his or her own values and virtues.
</code></pre>

<p>I’d give you a 3 (one reader; I am not two people!).</p>

<p>General Scoring Criteria</p>

<p>Positioning: strength and clarity
Examples: relevance and development in support
Organization: for each paragraph and the overall essay
Command of Language: sentence construction, grammar, word choice</p>

<p>You definitely made your thesis clear, but your examples had to be stretched a bit too much to fit in, and most weren’t in depth; they were just descriptions of the story and a few sentences loosely tied in to fit with the argument. Thus, the strength of the position wasn’t demonstrated.
Tip: Make sure your examples directly relate to the thesis.</p>

<p>The overall organization was exceptional, but your transitions seem a bit artificial. For example, to call the first and second examples similar would be pushin it a bit. The “Furthermore” also isn’t used properly.
Tip: Try making transitions sentences instead of just words.</p>

<p>Your grammar is exceptional; vocabulary is outstanding, but don’t put too much words that don’t actually bring out your point. For example, “In my own life” could’ve been “Personally”. The second sentence has improper listing; don’t start with “My” and it should be fine. The sentence variation is generally great.
Tip: Practice a few more and edit.</p>

<p>Your conclusion is one sentence. That can be done, but your version would be better with others around it.</p>

<p>I apologize if my objectivity sounds harsh. Good luck!</p>

<p>Thanks so much. Your tips are very helpful.</p>

<p>Read some of the guides around here. I recommend
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1525053-defeating-sat-essay-2-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1525053-defeating-sat-essay-2-days.html&lt;/a&gt;
and a maybe a look at my own essay.
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1607043-essay-style-variation-2-day-plan.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1607043-essay-style-variation-2-day-plan.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;