<p>I think new freshmen face many, many potentially angst filled situations. If the student, not the parent ;), feels strongly enough about wanting to avoid one of those situations, I think it is a valid enough reason to cross a school off the list. Adjusting to college is a major life event. For a student already facing the challenges of Aspergers, easing the obstacles can make the transition smoother and increase the probability of a success launch. </p>
<p>Now would be a great time for your S to work through this issue, perhaps with behavioral therapy; but if come mid April he still feels communal bathrooms are not for him, I would respect his decision and move on. Good luck.</p>
<p>Missypie,
You and your son are not alone. Close relative started college this fall. Had a phobia about public restrooms among other minor OCD type things. With the excitement about college, meeting new roommate etc, forgot about bathroom issue. On move-in day panicked until finding an employees only door down the hall that had a small private toilet. Felt they had won the lottery and kept it secret for their private use. Unfortunately, other issues of living in a dorm have caused much stress and anxiety. I urge you to consider medication or therapy in advance of college. Even if you think you've found the perfect dorm situation, there are bound to be anxiety issues that come up with a child such as your son. Better to address them now, than to have to endure tearful phone calls and perhaps long distance travel to make sure he's OK next year. Take advantage of the time you have now to try medication/therapy in advance of college, you'll be glad you did.</p>
<p>Missypie, you're <em>not</em> making more of this than you should. I completely understand how important this kind of thing can be for some kids. Going away to college for the first time is hard enough for anyone, and I don't see what's wrong with taking into account factors that might make your child's life a little bit easier. I'm similar to my son in many ways, and I can tell you that if I'd been able to have a single room my first year of college, it would have made an immeasurable difference in my quality of life. Having to share a room was very, very difficult for me.</p>
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CULater, I have a I have to use the bathroom NOW! card I got from donating to CCFA.
I haven't used it yet- but it is reassuring
( one of my favorite people has Crohn's)
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<p>Gee, I've had Crohn's Disease since I was 22, and there are many times I've wished I had a card like that -- when I've been completely desperate, but too embarrassed to walk into a store and ask if I can use the bathroom. (Especially when I was younger.) Maybe I should get one. I first got sick when I was in my third year of law school (I ended up having to graduate a term late because of a couple of prolonged hospital stays). But bathroom access wasn't really an issue for me, since I was living by myself in a one-bedroom off-campus apartment. If I'd been ill with Crohn's in college, I'm sure it would have created some difficulties.</p>
<p>I've developed severe GI issues as a result of long-term medication I'm taking. I've learned where the restrooms are everywhere I go!</p>
<p>One thought, missypie, is that S pays attention to when folks are not in dorms -- the restrooms are not bustling all day. That might be of use if it's having other people around htat's the issue. When I was in college, my body learned to adjust to a different schedule and so I'd head to the restroom when others weren't around.</p>
<p>Also found that restrooms in classroom buildings were often empty!</p>
<p>Even if he manages to find a college with dorms with acceptable bathrooms, might he not have issues elsewhere on campus when he might need to go but doesn't have the time to go all the way back to his dorm? I understand that the bathroom might be an issue for him but I don't see how he'll be able to avoid the issue at some point.</p>
<p>Co-ed bathrooms and showers are a non-starter, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm paying the bill. It's not happening for my D, and she doesn't want that either. It's too bad, because it may force us to cross Oberlin off her list. I think Oberlin has like one single sex female dorm (which means no guys in the bathrooms and showers). It's ridiculous.</p>
<p>Missypie - Before your son commits to a school, I would call housing and discuss the situation with them. We were naive and just thought our younger D would be assigned to the housing she requested (which was what our older D experienced even at a large StateU). Younger D was assigned her 6th (of 6) choice - an old triple with communal bathrooms. Our D's problem was a little different in that she takes a medication that can cause her to have to use the restroom during the night. She became very distraught that she might have to leave her room in the middle of the night and make her way down the "scary" hallway to the restroom. There were other issues, but this one was most pressing with her. I called housing and by having her physician send a letter as to what would be the "optimum" type of college living situation, her assignment was changed. I tell you we spent nearly the entire summer in a state of anxiety over whether they would find a more suitable place for her, but thankfully they did. Now we write a letter and have her physician write a letter to the health services physician (who then in turn makes his recommendations to the housing department) VERY early in the year and housing helps her locate the best option for housing for the coming year.</p>
<p>I want to add that I think you and your son are very smart to think of housing as one of the premiere college concerns. One’s living space can make all the different in the world when it comes to academic success in college. It sure did with my D! Kids are getting use to being away from home, much harder classes than h.s., strange food, and living in a strange environment WITH a stranger. I would insist on a private room with a private bathroom. Every college has them and I wouldn’t be shy about demanding it.</p>
<p>
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I think Oberlin has like one single sex female dorm (which means no guys in the bathrooms and showers).
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<p>It means nothing of the sort.</p>
<p>Except at the rare schools (Bob Jones?) that have restrictive visiting rules, there is nothing to prevent a resident of a single-sex dorm from having an opposite-sex guest, who might stay in the dorm for anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Kids study together, hang out together, and visit each other's campuses; some of them also have sexual relationships with members of the opposite sex -- even if they live in single-sex dorms. And sometimes it's Dad who drives his daughter to college; he might need to go to the bathroom, too, before the long drive home. An opposite-sex guest is going to have to use the bathroom, and if he stays overnight, he will want to take a shower, too. He's going to use the facilities in the women's dorm where he is visiting; what other choice does he have?</p>
<p>My daughter lived in a single-sex dorm last year. Several of the bathrooms in that building were officially designated "co-ed" to accommodate the needs of guests without decreasing the number of bathrooms available to residents. In fact, she was more likely to run into a guy in the bathroom in that dorm than she is in the co-ed dorm where she lives this year -- which has both men's and women's bathrooms on every floor.</p>
<p>Missypie- You are not wrong to be concerned. What I have discovered with my own child and other kids I know who have different concerns- be it an eating disorder, anxiety disorder, OCD, addictions, depression, self harm... etc, even things that are under control can rapidly spiral down with the stresses of college and dorm life.
What I found is the more concerns you address before hand the better off you are. If your son is not seeing a therapist now I would start. Also investigate the ability to receive counseling on campus or in the surrounding area. Preferably someone who has experience in your son's issues. If possible have your son talk with several different people so he finds someone he is comfortable with. Also the therapists schedules and your son's school schedule might not work. Or if you find someone he works well with schedule classes around the therapy. Finding the right person takes time. If your son will not have a car at school I would make sure he has easy public transportation available to get to a therapist. Your son might not feel he needs the therapist but I have found it is much easier for them to already have someone in place while they are in a "good" place versus trying to find someone when they are in crisis.
4 yrs ago I would have said the dorm experience is part of going to college. But now in hindsight I realize some kids are just not cut out to live in a traditional dorm.</p>
<p>monydad - to be sure - Plainsman never said his daughter would have a problem with a co-ed bathroom, HE is the one with the problem. Since he is paying the bill he won't pay for her to go to Oberlin, as the bathrooms are co-ed.</p>
<p>My oldest went to a Catholic univeristy, dorms were co-ed by floor and bathrooms clearly marked single sex. Second daughter went to a small liberal LAC. Moving in day was a shock for me - Co-ed on the floor and co-ed bathrooms. I went into the bathroom and noticed there were shower curtains.<br>
I would have packed her back up in the car right then, but she assured me she would be fine. And she was. It's all different now from a generation ago.</p>
<p>But as for the Oberlin thing, my D1 went there, I don't think she found it to be a big problem for her. She's certainly never raised it as a problem. But then she had prior experience with a coed bathroom- the one she shared at home, with her brother!</p>
<p>But she knew what the deal was, & thought it would be ok. and I guess it was. I didn't try to overrule or interfere much or anything, but that's just me. I felt she was in a position to judge this and decide for herself. But I guess maybe not every individual at that age is, or some people feel they want to continue to try to have some influence on what young adults do socially once they're out of the nest. </p>
<p>At the end of the day. I just trusted her judgement and ability to handle situations that may arise herself.</p>
<p>Obviously people are entitled to have a different take on this, though. If they're paying !</p>
<p>(ps sorry I got this out of order vs. post 71)</p>
<p>I think living conditions, including bathrooms, are important considerations when choosing a college.</p>
<p>I also want to point out that the "normal college experience" of living in dorms with roommates is only considered normal here in the U.S. Around the world, most kids live with their parents while attending college, even if it means a commute of many hours per day. Dorms are usually for foreign students living abroad. And all the dorms I know of outside the U.S. are singles -- the idea of living so closely a with stranger is not the norm elsewhere. I personally consider roommates to be the worst part of college life -- I have rarely heard of a truly positive experience for anyone, anywhere.</p>
<p>I request that people think before they use an acronym that others might be unfamiliar with. I think I am fairly well-versed in both CC acronyms, and common everyday acronyms, but I have been stumped by a couple which have been used on this thread. Maybe it is because we have been talking about physical ailments (IBD?) and other conditions (NT?).</p>
<p>IBD = inflammatory bowel disease; NT = neurotypical (someone who does not have a neurologically-based condition such as ADD/autism, ie "normal" ;))</p>
<p>Okay, lots of answers to the question... but what about helping your son resolve the issue? WHY does he dislike public bathrooms? Dirt? The possibility someone might talk to him? If it's dirt, carrying a packet of wipes might help... if it's social issues (what do you say to someone while you're using the toilet?), well, there are strategies for that too (end stall, headphones on an iPod, etc.).</p>
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... but what about helping your son resolve the issue? WHY does he dislike public bathrooms?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>The thing is that with individuals on the autism spectrum, this kind of anxiety or phobia is not merely an emotional/psychological problem and cannot be treated the same way it might be in a "NT" (ie with psychoanalysis). It is very much neurologically based; this is how their brains are wired (ie the part that controls fight or flight responses--similar to the sensory integration dysfunctions that we also often see among those with autism), and their avoidance behaviors are somewhat like involuntary reflexes. And depending on the individual, it can take months or even years to not only retrain the brain to think differently but also to retrain the brain's circuits to function differently. Which is why cognitive-behavioral therapy is often used.</p>
<p>Coping strategies definitely help--but more to get them to confront a specific situation not necessarily to change their response; that only comes with time and repeated exposure and confrontation to the situation. At the same time it is very hard to always live outside one's comfort zone, to always place oneself in a fight or flight mode...</p>
<p>Scansmom: I have several cousins with Asperger's; it runs in my family. I understand exactly what you're saying. However, I do think it's worth asking the question: "can you explain why sharing a bathroom worries you? And, if you can, is there a strategy you might use to make the situation easier for yourself?"</p>
<p>Would it make sense to work with a counselor on desensitization to the issue (i.e., using restrooms while at the mall a restaurant, hotel) before he leaves for college, or would that make him more anxious?</p>
<p>Since reading this thread, I've noticed that at work, there is NEVER more than one person in the ladies room at a time, even though there are three stalls. Everyone on our floor prefers to be the only one in the restroom. Folks who come in while someone else is in the bathroom turn around and leave. In that sense, missypie, you can assure your son that there are plenty of people who prefer doing their business in as much privacy as they can muster.</p>
<p>
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At the same time it is very hard to always live outside one's comfort zone, to always place oneself in a fight or flight mode...
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<p>That is exactly the big worry with college - not just with the bathroom but with other issues as well. He functions quite well out in the world...but he has our house to come home to. When he wants/needs to be alone at the end of the day, he can be. When he wants/needs to use a private restroom, he can. At college, he will be outside that comfort zone 24/7.</p>