<p>I also have one of those kids whose timeline is quite different from mine. I prefer the “avoid a problem” and he follows the “deal with it when it happens” approach. I feel your pain, OP. But there isn’t anything you can do about it. Thats the tough part. Its her call. Good luck!</p>
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<p>Based on D’s history, both are possible. It could be that it is such a simple thing that she is putting off. It is also possible that the paper is not finished and that is why she is putting it off. But regardless, she needs to act to resolve the incomplete, whether that means a simple email or completing the paper. </p>
<p>And those of you who have hinted that this is a long-standing problem that I might have made worse by intervening (never directly–I have never talked to a teacher to resolve a problem for her, but I have set up timelines, imposed punishments and awarded reinforcers for completed work, etc. when she was younger), all I can say is that it has been very hard to know how much is appropriate guidance and how much is too much. She is the oldest child and has always been very bright but very, very disorganized and somewhat undiscplined (if she is interested, she will go above and beyond, but if she’s not interested, that’s another story). My younger daughter is pretty much the exact opposite–binders with color-coded tabs, homework completed without prompting when she gets home, plans ahead to complete projects, but is more externally motivated than older D (she will read the book that hse thinks will get the best grade, not the book that she most wants to read).</p>
<p>I am sure I have made matters better and/or worse to some extent, but for the most part I really think they just arrived this way.</p>
<p>And thank you to those who have responded with commiseration–I do appreciate knowing that others’ kids are like this too.</p>
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<p>Agreed. Some hiring managers feel such behavior exhibits a red flag over whether this potential employee has issues with getting things done in a timely manner. In short, will they need to hand-hold/micromanage such an employee to get good/any work out of him/her. </p>
<p>A couple of cousins who do hiring for their tech/corporate firms would never hire an employee like that. They/their bosses have been burned too many times by such employees in the past. </p>
<p>Moreover, most colleges I know of do have a policy of having incompletes automatically lapse into Fs if no further action is taken on the student’s part. Once that happens, there’s almost no chance of going back.</p>
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<p>Truer words were never written! </p>
<p>I also have a college-senior D, and over the summer we as a family decided that it’s time for the next giant step in letting go. For the first time, I’m erring FAR on the side of not speaking up, not giving suggestions, not jumping in to help. I don’t even ask questions about things like this any more, because we agreed that if she needed our help, she’d ask for it. My tongue is going to have permanent scars from all the biting I’ve done in the last month. But it is getting a little easier and more natural-feeling. And it certainly has cut down on the stress.</p>
<p>You know what the right thing to do is, and she does too. The ball is in her court to go ahead and do it. I know it’s tempting to guide your D as if she was a child again but she isn’t; she has to figure these things out for herself. It’s part of growing up.</p>
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<p>Just to play devil’s advocate - maybe this is not the right situation in which for her to learn this lesson. She does have to figure things out for herself, and she does know that she needs to resolve the issue, but I am not really sure that she fully understands WHy she needs to resolve the issue NOW (or really weeks ago). She is 20, and while she has had a few summer jobs, I do not think that she understands how a grade of incomplete might be viewed by prospective employers. So, the ball is in her court but I don’t think she fully understands what game she is playing.</p>
<p>From my point of view, there are costs as well as benefits to “helicoptering” her about this and making sure that she has thought about the consequences of her actions. Of course she is an adult and she should take care of his on her own, but she hasn’t.</p>
<p>WoundTooTight</p>
<p>What are the consequences if this grade turns into an F? Would you be paying for an extra semester or her living expenses? </p>
<p>Yes, she should take care of it. </p>
<p>The truth is she will only learn if she has to deal with the consequences. If you have to deal with the consequences by paying for an extra semester, she won’t learn from it, so you might as well get involved sooner rather than later. </p>
<p>But then the question comes down to how can you legally handle it yourself? You can’t really, so in the end you are forcing her to take care of it by escorting her to the department or dean. That idea alone would make my kid take immediate action.</p>
<p>One more thing - My oldest son has inattentive ADHD. </p>
<p>His IQ allows him to hide it on many levels.</p>
<p>If your daughter has never been tested, she should research it a bit. She sounds much like my son and husband. DH never considered his disorganization was ADD until son was tested. It really shed a light on many issues for DH and why the typical organization strategies just didn’t work in our household.</p>
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<p>So true! </p>
<p>I’ll also second the suggestion for an ADD evaluation. These types of issues aren’t limited to school-related challenges. </p>
<p>I think the strategy of researching what the procedure/policy is for incompletes, as suggested above, and providing the information you glean, is wise. You’ve probably noticed from reading CC’s boards that many college students seem not terribly interested in researching the answers to questions themselves, even things that can be Googled. </p>
<p>I think I’d say one last thing on this topic–maybe over the phone because I suspect my daughter does not open my emails when she thinks they will be naggy. I’d say something like, “This is the last time I will mention it, but I think you may not be aware of the way potential employers will view this unresolved issue [etc.]” And then provide any information you were able to learn about the policies and processes.</p>
<p>I am quite sure her academic advisor would have been able to help her solve this some time ago had she asked.</p>
<p>(This is the very type of scenario I fear my own daughter will run into. A problem that could be solved, if she only asked one of the half-dozen assigned mentors and advisors that her school has provided. I have warned her that if she sticks her head in the sand when a problem arises rather than taking advantage of all the sources of support and guidance I am paying the big bucks for, I will kill her.)</p>
<p>No better advice than everyone else. It is SO difficult to know where to stop and where to help, but college seniors need to have room to figure it all out. So much more difficult than helping – I think I have a permanent tic from holding my jaw shut! I would go with your instinct and not intervene any further. </p>
<p>My husband’s favorite phrase/mantra bears repeating here: “Not my monkey, not my circus”. Or if you like the loftier version, “They don’t get stronger if you lift the weights”</p>
<p>Best of luck, sanity, and peace to you and the daughter 
S1 is ADD inattentive, diagnosed late in college. S2 is a highly self-motivated high-achiever. I careen between them on a daily basis!</p>
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Perhaps you simply suggest that she ask the career office about its effects when she fills out her paperwork for the interviews?</p>
<p>I know that my D “heard” things from someone else, whereas when I said exactly the same thing, it went in one ear & out the other!</p>
<p>The other thing to remember is that this is not the last chance she has for interviews. If she suffers the consequences now, she still has a long time to recover and get more interviews. Even if she does nothing now, it is not the end of the world or of her career.</p>
<p>I have intervened in similar situations without regret.
Mine is very much a contrarian position in this community.</p>
<p>If you have a pattern of helping and reminding and suggesting, I think there needs to be a step between helping more and going cold turkey and letting her chips fall where they may. That would be a nice, sensible, non-emotional conversation where you explain how you feel about helping and how it’s most likely time to step back and let her take the reins herself. That means you will not be reminding, sending research, making suggestions, forwarding links, and following up. And she will be responsible for any consequences of her inaction. And ask her if she’s okay with that? Does she depend on your organizing her life a bit? Some ADD or Exec. functioning impaired kids do. It might suggest she could do with some testing so you don’t always have the brunt of keeping her on track and feeling guilt about doing too much.</p>
<p>Best of luck. I think you are asking the right questions but I suspect your instinct may be right. There may be ways for her to get help in getting more organized which she can take over.</p>
<p>I would refer the OP to a thread titled “Switch off Parenting” currently page 5 in Parent’s Cafe</p>
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<p>To me, the problem is how to make the best of a bad situation. There really is no “good” about this, only “less bad.” Is it less bad to ask her again if she has contacted the registrar, or is it less bad to let her figure it out for herself? Intervening also sends the message that I don’t expect her to handle this on her own, and people do live up (or down) to our expectations. </p>
<p>I checked the student handbook and I didn’t find anything about how long before an I becomes an F. At this point I will give it until at least Tuesday before I ask her if she has made any progress on getting the grade changed . . .</p>
<p>I wish you the best navigating this. Sending positive vibes your way.</p>
<p>We had many curves in the road with son as he attended one undergrad school, transferred after 2 years, then moved onto grad school. We found that the less we were involved or even knew about his ‘stuff’ the better. He is very laid back to put it mildly. Not remotely on the same wavelength as I am regarding addressing life issues.</p>
<p>He did very well in school and is successfully employed in his field. How that happened I can’t really understand. He didn’t even seem concerned that his diploma cover at master’s commencement contained not a diploma but a form letter listing several items that needed to be satisfied before a diploma would be issued to him.
Several tense days and many phone calls and emails (by him) did produce said diploma.</p>
<p>So, when we talk now, I’ll vaguely ask how work is going and listen to whatever he shares. Some interesting stories I must admit and he seems happy.</p>
<p>It’s time for your D to check the student handbook. What will happen when she has a real job and procrastinates on a project? Will you call for status updates and remind her? She could be suffering from senioritis, which is so different than high school. She may be a little afraid of graduating and entering the real world. Let her experience accountability and consequence on her own. This is the time for her to learn the lesson, not when she begins her first post-college job. If you keep monitoring her life, she’ll never grow up.</p>
<p>It understandable that you worry. There is likely a huge parental financial investment in this education. I don’t know the right answer. But my hunch is that OP’s D may not be trying hard to find the final paper submission steps because it is not done yet.</p>
<p>I like Stradmom’s Idea (post #15).</p>
<p>There are so many kinds of kids and there ought to be so many kinds of jobs out there. She is a college senior and she’s what she always has been. I don’t see a problem here. Good luck finding the right job where she’ll go above and beyond doing it.</p>