I don’t really see the problem, if you and your ex are really able to pay for Duke. Kids choose schools for reasons we don’t always understand, but often persist in their interest. The main thing is that he understand it is a crap shoot and he should not be fixated on it. He should have a list and even applications ready to go after the notification date for ED. And still be eager.
Your idea of visiting is a good one but I would keep the number down. Maybe you and he can choose 4-6 together. there really should be at least one school that he is sure to get into that he would want to go to, and not with dragging heels
Hope your ex’s “financial craziness” settles down and that it does not affect your ability to commit or hold the possibility of surprises down the road. it sounds like you get along, which is great.
@ucbalumnus I think if he only got an admit at a safety, no matter what it was, he would be somewhat disappointed. I can’t imagine being so thrilled with a safety you would not be at least a little disappointed…
@zoosermom I have never heard that. Wow. Overall, the Data set shows 35% have ACT above 30, and 57% above 3.75. His HS navigable gives avg stats for Bing from his HS of about a 92% and a 28 ACT (admitted, not enrolled). I wonder if there was something missing in those ivy goers app and they didn’t fix it? I’ll have to speak to his GC about that…
As it relates to Dad, I need him to focus on a single parental message, (co parenting and all). If the $25k amount is not doable, I want him to say so now, not after apps come in is all. It is scary to look at those bills, and I get that.
And I don’t want him to push the kid further into the devil’s arms!!
Like most dads, I’m sure he feels like he gets no “say” on anything! Ps: I did not tell dad to pipe down…we are nicer to each other than that.
First of all, kudos to you and Dad for raising a bright kid while coming from a broken home - this is not easy. Post #14 sums it up pretty well.
I am not sure you are handling this right with Dad, because I get the impression you are limiting his input to the discussion process of potential schools, instead telling him to back on the suggestion of Cornell Dyson as you are afraid it will make your son more enamored with Duke, or that it is not as good an option.
It seems to me that you want to control as much of the situation as you can and reduce Dad’s input and instead limit Dad’s role to financial assistance only after a decision is made.
But obviously I do not know anything about the relationships/personalities involved. It is entirely possible that Dad is more concerned about the finances than the best fit for your son. But Dad may also be considering the fact that a lot of kids end up changing majors along the way - I recall reading something like 40%? How strongly does Econ matter to your son?
Based on your son’s GPA, he will be competitive for these schools, but it is good that you recognize the reality of the numbers game. I like the way you compare it to the cost of buying a house, yet your son has to sell himself to get in.
How many of these schools has your son visited? Was Dad able to participate in the visits?
I like your idea of asking your son to make a spreadsheet of pros/cons for his potential schools. And your idea of him researching them one per week. How willing is he to actually follow through with this? For many teenagers, even very bright kids - this sort of thing can be like pulling teeth. Is it “Mom always being on his case about stuff like this?” or is he motivated to accept good advice when he gets it?
Back in the day, I knew some other students in high school who only applied to what were safeties for them, because the safeties were their top choices (granted, many colleges were a lot easier to get admitted to, and much less expensive in inflation adjusted money, than they are now).
Perhaps he may want to look for additional safeties that he would happily attend without disappointment if they were his only (affordable within parental contribution constraints) admissions.
^ it will be the pulling teeth thing! @3puppies
Interesting, you made me realize something…S has seen 6 schools so far. Dad has only taken him to one…guess which? Cornell. Maybe that is playing into it as well? Maybe I should encourage dad to take him to onw of the schools to visit soon?
I want him to have input. It is harder bc S lives w me, and spends the most time w me, esp for the past 6 months or so…I have always been the decision maker in chief. So it is hard for me to zip it too!!
Make sure ALL the applications are done and submitted as early as possible. Do not wait until the ED decision. Many schools have early deadlines to be fully considered for all scholarships. I know you are willing to be full pay but why pass up on scholarship opportunities if Duke doesn’t come through.
A friend of ours only applied to her ED school. She was deferred and was scrambling in January to come up with a plan B. But by that time she missed many of the scholarship deadlines.
I think it might help to get a better handle on what your ex is thinking.
Is he thinking, “I’m concerned about our son applying ED to Duke because my finances are up in the air and I might not be able to come up with my share of the high cost of attending Duke if he gets in.”
Or is he thinking, “I’m concerned about our son applying ED to any school because he will be committed to it if he gets in and he might regret that.”
Or is he thinking, “I’m concerned about our son applying ED to Duke because he will be committed to it if he gets in and he might regret that for reasons that are specific to Duke.”
Each of these calls for a different family conversation.
What is his GPA?* Are you saying he has a 3.93 on a 4.33 scale? I’m not sure but I think this means his GPA on a 4.0 scale is closer to 3.6 or 3.7. Maybe someone else knows more, but knowing the GPA on a 4.0 scale would seem to be important when you are considering the options.
" He has a 3.93 if 92% is a 4.0. 4.0 if 90% is 4. ACT is 34. White kid, suburban NYC public HS. "
^sorry. I meant, he gets grades in %, not letter or points. The school does not convert, nor do they weight. If I convert each ##% grade to a point scale, add them up and average, I get 3.93 out of 4 (where 4.0 is awarded to 93% and higher, and 3.7 to 90-92. If you use a scale where any grade over 90 is a 4.0, then he has a 4.0). Essentially, he has received no grades below 90, and only a few between 90 and 92%.
I calculated his weighted using the college board converter, but I don’t see its relevance. It was 4.33.
You said you are worried that DAD saying anything will just make son want Duke even more. Isn’t son already at that point, that he wants Duke and nothing else? Isn’t it possible that Dad might have another suggestion that the son actually accepts, applies to, and becomes a good alternative? I think son needs to hear that Duke may not be possible, either because there isn’t enough money or because he doesn’t get accepted, and he should be more open to other schools.
I think you also risk Dad pulling all his monetary support. No one likes to be told how to spend their $100k without input. We all object to paying taxes because we don’t control how the money is spent. We’re all a little more willing to spend money we can direct.
And really 3puppies, ‘broken home’? This is the 21st century. Many children are raised by single parents and do just fine, and OP’s child has 2 parents who are in his life. Hardly ‘broken.’
I think both parents should back off while insisting their son look at other colleges and include both academic and financial safeties on his list.
As for “broken home”, I more think of married parents screaming at each other than divorced parents who don’t live together. Nothing is more broken than the fighting taking place in front of you.
^ I think puppies is just saying some kids actually are from broken homes and it affects then greatly. We are lucky that didn’t happen here.
No one said he can’t have input. But right now, it is backfiring on him. I know both of these men better than anyone else, their dynamic. but I will take your advice, and try to have more “joint input”, rather than S and me, and S and him. It may be more constructive.
(Ps: Your post(s) make it seem as if you think dad is this poor fellow who is being used for his $100k here. This is his kid, and we are both paying. I also have $100k and RB into this, so I’m not exactly getting one over on him. He has been treated fairly all through this kids’ lives, financially. All divorced dads are not deadbeats, and all ex wives are not bloodsuckers…
I have a different take on how much you should involve the Dad in the process. It sounds like there’s an understanding between you two that you will work with the kid to find a best school for him responsibly. Sometimes, more voices are not making things more productive. You don’t want to introduce potential conflicts into a process seemingly working well. If he’s fine with the way it is, provide him updates on where things are and what you are working on etc often. It may be all he needs to feel involved or to get involved.
If Dad agrees tell your son that he is welcome to apply to Duke, provided he has selected 5 other schools that he will be happy to attend and that you can afford. Although he has a great GPA/Scores, so do very many other people. So you will work with him to find other schools of interest to visit.
My DD did ED and was accepted, but also had visited and interviewed at about 6 other schools she was happy to apply to and attend. She realized that the ED school really was her top choice and was a good value, so why apply to others if she didn’t need to.
Having the whole list ready early may be a necessity.
One of my kids applied ED. When she asked two teachers for recommendations, both of them required her to give them her entire list all at once, a month before the ED deadline. So she had to have her full list ready by October 1. This took some scrambling because we were not prepared for it.
Ugh @Marian, my son was lucky he was able to avoid that. He also asked very late when he found out he needed three not two recommendations, and also never really “officially” asked the first two anyway.
That’s another reason I think applying ED and EA at the same time makes sense, because you can give a “list” of some sort and add colleges later if you want. I don’t think any teacher would argue if a student applied to three or four schools early and then wanted to add some RD.
In our family’s case, the teachers explicitly ruled out this option. The student was told to provide one list, the teacher would prepare all the recommendation letters at once, and that was it. End of process.
Would a teacher have made an exception if the student wanted to add a school to the list late? I don’t know. The student was accepted at the ED school, so the issue never came up.
