Help! Cold Feet!

<p>"I think some parents jump on the opportunity to use the moment of panic that is typical to keep their kids close to home because that's where they want them. Not saying that's the case here, but I've seen it happen often."</p>

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<p>Geez, Zagat, is that where we all went wrong? When they wanted to go to school halfway across the country, we were spending thousands on campus visits so that, hopefully, when that moment of indecision was revealed to us in the decision-making process, we could pounce on their insecurities and force them to stay close to home. Right--I don't know about you, but predicting the workings of the 18-year-old mind is similar to foretelling the next cut in a deck of cards.</p>

<p>Those parents who really care about their son or daughter will NOT push them into a school they are hesitant about attending--that's why there are choices. It was our job to help them pare the list down to a select few that were in line with academic & financial parameters. It's the kid's job to decide.</p>

<p>I guess we all see parenting differently. In my home, when I see a child making a decision based on fear, I think it's my job to help them face the fear and get past it.</p>

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<p>I had a huge case of cold feet in the summer before freshman year, as I realized how much of a plunge I was taking, going to a college I'd never seen (this was before the internet that makes so much information available) in a country I'd never visited, to study in a language that was not even my second language. I nearly did not get on the plane. I was not all that happy in my first semester and took out the return portion of my ticket several times. Ironically, having the possibility of going home if things did not work out helped. By the second semester, I knew I'd made the right decision. In my case, finances were not a consideration. It was a matter of "fit." I knew I would be getting a superior education.</p>

<p>Marite, was this grad school or undergrad? I used to think I was brave but I think this act is braver! I know of a girl who went from Syria to France (with French as a second language) to study in college there..that was very brave and turned out it was great for her. She then came to the US for grad studies with English as a third language and flourished here.</p>

<p>Marite hit it on the head - pulling out the return ticket for reassurance often. Cold feet can happen at any age, and I think it's rooted in confidence, and concerns over change. In three hours I'll leave for the airport, and starting tomorrow morning I will spend two weeks in a hotel, and during the business day, I will be in the presence of persons who will tell me what to read, where to sign, when to eat, what to study, when my workday will end, etc. (starting new job). It's a serious departure from being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I don't wanna go, really, but the one thing that made me feel so much better was - when retiring my consulting projects, every client to a person said something like "even though we wish you well, we selfishly hope you hate your new job and don't continue; you can come back home and do work for us any time you wish". Since I know I can cease my involvement at any moment I choose and "come home", it makes it far easier to finish packing, get to the airport, and start a new chapter of my professional life. </p>

<p>My recollection of the book "Letting Go" is that it opens with a scene of a family delivering their student to college, and the new student suddenly balks and refuses to get out of the car.</p>

<p>When I delivered my D to school, I told her in the weeks and days leading up to departure, and even that very day "no decision needs to be permanent. You can reverse your choice at any time. You can always come home". She wasn't showing any signs of ambiguity - couldn't wait to leave home lol - still, I felt the need to say this, over and over; my sense was that my so stating might mitigate any emerging second thoughts, homesickness or adjustment problems etc. I'm guessing it helped, as she didn't have any cold feet issues, or if she did, I did not hear of it.</p>

<p>Achat:</p>

<p>It was undergrad, and I was 17.</p>

<p>Latetoschool:</p>

<p>Are you coming to the Boston area? I hope to get to meet you!</p>

<p>On CC as well as other sites I’ve read comments from a great many people, recent grads and others, lamenting their decision to take on copious amounts of debt in order to attend their dream school. All have a common thread: “I could have gotten the same quality of education at other schools for far less money and graduated debt free or almost debt free. Had I to do it again, I would not make the same decision."</p>

<p>People would be wise to heed these words.</p>

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<p>This is a very good point to stress.</p>

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<p>I agree with this 100%. If the d has rational reasons why she thinks the LAC may not be a good fit, that's one thing, but fear of being far from home or among strangers shouldn't be determinative. When I was leaving for college (following terrible problems in high school), I made about a thousand contingency plans in case I had trouble adjusting: my parents got an 800 number, I got a TV and VCR in case I couldn't sleep, I found a psychiatrist near the college, etc. etc.</p>

<p>And what happened? The minute my parents left me in my new dorm room, I was totally fine, and never ended up relying on any of the "security blankets" I'd been so careful to surround myself with.</p>

<p>Good point toblin & I agree wholeheartedly, although this discussion really centers on the most crucial point in the maturation process of the 17-18 year old mind: the ability to rationally make a decision he/she is satisfied with, after viewing & analyzing the choices before him. It's probably the first of many 'fork in the road' decisions the kid will make over a lifetime. VERY important to let that play out. </p>

<p>And I think it's presumptious to assume that indecision within this process is fear-based. It's completely natural, and better yet, it's reversible if the 'final' decision made appears to be not the best fit. Maybe not to an LAC, but oh well...</p>

<p>From the original post: "She's terrified of moving too far from home."</p>

<p>Not every 17/18 yr old is ready to take on the changes/challenges of both going off to college and going far away from home. My eldest was not ready to do both at 18 & chose a college closer to home. By the end of her soph yr, however, she was ready to try her wings farther away. She took a job 1000 miles away in a place she had never been and where she knew absolutely no one. 5 yrs later with a Master's under her belt, she's ready to do it again - taking a job in another city 1,000 miles away.<br>
I've known others who thought they wanted to be as far away as possible at 18, only to move back closer to home 1 yr later.
As a parent, we do need to help them face their fears, but also help them determine how much they are able to take on.</p>

<p>It sounds like finances are being raised just often enough to weigh on her conscience. My firiend's S went thru this, and for soph year, he was offered an R.A. position, which brought costs to state U level.
Has D been online with the school?</p>

<p>My oldest was fearful of going too far from home for college and I now understand I should have tried to work him through the fear or sought help in doing it.There came a point when my fiance, in a very loving but firm way, had to explain to me that I needed to give him a good push or he would be limiting his life. I have to admit friends had tried to tell mr too. DS looks back and regrets not having been more adventurous as he watches his younger sister prepare for college life 3000 miles away.</p>

<p>Now I agree there are kids with issues that may not be ready to leave home, but I would worry about a normal 18 year old that was afraid of leaving home for a college environment. When I sought help for son in making the break I learned that more than temporary separation anxiety was not healthy at that stage.</p>

<p>Marite, I wish I were in Boston - it's one of our favorite cities! I'm in D.C. - great city as well, but gets old fast. Next time there's a major race on the Charles River I'll PM, would enjoy meeting you as well.</p>

<p>Latetoschool:</p>

<p>Head of the Charles in October. The best time to visit Boston.</p>