help! dad suddenly doesn't support me going to boarding school

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

Hey parents of College Confidential,

I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how I should approach this situation.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m applying for the Caroline D. Bradley Scholarship. Up until now, everything has been going smoothly- I’ve uploaded my documents, my teachers have written their recommendations, and my essays are done. However, yesterday my dad got really upset at me and now says that I’m not mature enough to go to boarding school.

A couple of days ago, I was working in my dad’s room. His Ipad was not charging, and I ignored it. When he got home, upon seeing that his Ipad was not charged, he got pretty mad at me, saying that if I lacked compassion for other human beings, then I wouldn’t get anywhere. Of course, I don’t really have a problem with this- I was wrong.

Yesterday, my dad called me from work saying that he was going to self isolate when he gets home because of COVID-19 (he is a doctor). He told me to heat some water up so that he could use it to take a bath (I don’t understand why, but…?). When he got home, I forgot to heat the water, so I quickly put it on the heat hoping he wouldn’t notice. He found out I didn’t heat the water, and he got so upset that he told me that I won’t be applying to the CDB scholarship because I was not mature. I told him that I would be wrong to make my teachers write detailed recommendations and then tell them I wan’t applying, but he still said not.

I waited the rest of the day hoping that he would calm down and take his words back, but he never did. When I was about to go to sleep, my dad, again, said that I needed to be more mature before going to boarding school.

Before this, my dad never really cared about me applying to boarding school. He never was excited about it as me, but he understood being able to go to a boarding school has been my dream since forever. My mom, on the other hand, really doesn’t want me to go, and she will NOT write my parent statement or help me send my SAT scores.

I’m sorry if my story was kind of confusing. I’m in panic mode, and I really don’t know what to do right now. My dad telling me to stop all of this is against his own morals- he always tells us that when we start something, we have to finish it.

I was hoping you guys would be able to give me some advice on what I should do, as parents. I honestly feel so sick right now, and I really really want to apply for this scholarship.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks,
mssweetteaa

2

It sounds like your dad is stressed out by his job, maybe fears about missing you and being able to protect you and he’s probably getting flack from your mom about this too. I assume you apologized to your dad about the iPad and the heated water. I guess I would suggest not mentioning applications/recommendations, etc and approach him and tell him 1) You are deeply sorry to have been wrapped up in your own pursuits at such a stressful time and you understand that you have been preoccupied 2) You appreciate what he’s doing to protect you, your family and your community at this time 3) Tell him you are going to try and be more helpful around the house and in your community (as best you can I guess) then back this up with concrete offers. Can you sew masks, prepare your dad’s favorite comfort treats, etc, leave eggs or fruit in front of nearby homes/apts of other doctors, nurses, etc or someone who is elderly or a single parent, etc. I don’t know what the deadline is for this, but maybe once he sees that you are trying to do better, then maybe vvveeerrryyy gently approach him and show him how much you have learned from specific things you have done and how you appreciate how he has raised you and how you want to go out into the wider world and follow his example of service and giving and healing. My kid did a power point presentation when she wanted a specific social media account and it even involved some tears, as it became clear that this hinged on trust and growing up. We ended up coming to a compromise and while she didn’t get exactly what she wanted, I think ultimately, she felt heard, validated and respected. Good luck!

3

Thank you so much for the advice! My dad is more of the logical type of parent, so I think I will go with the tried and true method of making a presentation with reasons why I should go to boarding school. Hopefully, it will not only convince him to let me go to boarding school, but it will also get him as excited about it as I am. I’m afraid that if he pretends to be passionate about me applying for this scholarship, the scholarship selection committee will see right through it.

Thank you again!

4

I would recommend FIRST starting with acknowledging his stress and worries (that extend way beyond your boarding school ambitions) and accepting that you, as with all humanity, need to improve where we can. If you do a 10 slide PP then only one or two should peripherally relate to your BS ambitions, and the rest to walking through the issues he has with your development, since that is the crux of why he doesn’t want you to leave (and forget about discussing the scholarship). He probably only has a tiny bandwidth to deal with your schooling plans since the virus is so overwhelming to everyone so maybe it comes across as self centered to him during this time. So many people are dying and suffering right now, both economically and emotionally. I’ve heard that a widowed Lower school parent at Trinity (in NYC) passed away and at least one parent at my family’s school has also died. Your dad is on the front line trying to help so don’t make too many demands on him right now.

5

I would just add that the more time you can give this, the better I suspect. Feel free to ignore this if it isn’t helpful.

There is something called cognitive dissonance that as humans we try to avoid. Cognitive dissonance is when our actions don’t match our beliefs. What that means is that if someone says something with their own mouth, they will be inclined to believe it later, in order to avoid “cognitive dissonance.” Meaning, we don’t want to be in conflict with ourselves. So by your Dad saying he doesn’t believe you should go to BS, he now would be in cognitive dissonance if he then supported your application process. (Really broad strokes I’m painting here.)
So if you pushing him now results in him saying something he later actually disagrees with, it will be harder for him to take that back later than if he hadn’t said anything in the first place. That’s not to say people aren’t completely capable of changing their mind or coming back and saying “hey I didn’t mean that – I was just under a lot of stress.”

But, if your parents are already a bit on the fence, then maybe just stepping away from the situation entirely is the wisest move? Lots going on right now and the stakes are far bigger than BS. If you push now, I wonder if the discussion won’t go your way.

6

I would tell your dad you realize he’s under a lot of stress. And I would acknowledge that he is doing very valuable work right now. Try to support him. It’s not normally what kids do for parents, but these are weird times!

What is your timetable for CBD? Trying to understand if you need to push this right now. In many decisions, timing is everything.

7

UPDATE: So I created a presentation with a few reasons why I wanted to go to boarding school, and I told him that in the 1 1/2 weeks before I submitted my application, If I proved myself to be irresponsible, then I would agree not to submit my application. After my presentation, however, we launched into an hour long conversation about the true meaning of maturity and about what boarding school would truly mean for me. He wanted me to understand that boarding school would not guarantee my success in any part of life, and I agree.

I used the analogy of life being a race, and me going to boarding school would mean I would get to take a step forward at the starting line. Your success in the race still depends on you- it’s just going to a boarding helps give an edge above everyone else.

My dad also wanted me to understand that boarding school isn’t some perfect utopia, and it’s mostly just marketing. I told him that I totally agree, and that I know I’ll have some hard days, but if it was remotely close to what others have told me about boarding school, than I would be happy.

My mother is still pretty against the idea of me going to boarding school. She went to a Nigerian boarding school when she was young (a COMPLETELY different experience), and she says she didn’t like it, so I won’t like it. She also says I’m trying to grow up too fast.

In the end, my dad and I talked about how the environment he grew up in affected his later years. He told me that in Nigeria (my dad grew up in an extremely poor part of the Nigeria, like, the one you see on TV ads), being so close to his family is what contributed to character. He said he didn’t have to go to a boarding school to have a chance at success.

I responded, telling him that I didn’t want to do it because of success. I want to go to boarding school so I can experience things that I wouldn’t ever experience in South Carolina. My dad told me that he didn’t want my maturing to be accelerated because of boarding school, and he didn’t want me to crack under pressure without my parents around. He said he knows me more than anyone else. I completely agreed with him here, and told him it was a concern of mine.

After the conversation my dad told me that he had written my parent statement the morning when I first posted this thread without telling me. He told me he believes in my potential, but to always remember wherever I end up, to do the best I can.

He had a very long conversation, but those were the most important parts.

@Calliemomofgirls and @gardenstategal, the deadline is in less than 1 1/2 weeks, so I needed to confront him as soon as possible. If I had more time, I definitely would’ve waited for him to cool down, especially with him being stressed constantly because of COVID-19. I think we had a pretty good conversation, so thank goodness, it didn’t go negatively!

So in summary: I gave my presentation, had a deep conversation with my dad, and now I’m continuing my Caroline D. Bradley application process!

8

@mssweeteaa, I’m glad to hear you approached this maturely and the outcome was positive. The advice you’ve received here was good. Please continue to support your dad, and your mom as well. They are probably both under a tremendous amount of stress and anything you can do to make this time easier will be a big contribution to the family.

9

@mssweeteaa , it sounds like you are really fortunate to have such caring parents. Please continue to support them through this tough time.

10

Situations change. Many kids do not end up going to boarding schools because their parents change their minds about the situation for any number of reasons. With the events of the world today, I’m not surprised that parents change their minds on any number of things more than usual.

11

@mssweeteaa I love your update! and I love learning more about you and your background. I know I’m not alone in saying that I am in your corner! Let me know how I can help or support you on this journey. Go you.

12

Thank you for all of the amazing support!

13

Thank you for the update and I am really glad that it lead to such a deep conversation with your dad. It sounded like it helped you and your dad to learn more about each other, and thus respect each other. Really Good job with being mature about it and having it lead to something deeper and more meaningful than just high school. Very proud and happy for you and your dad.

14

Why are you pushing so hard for boarding school NOW, in the middle of a pandemic?

You are in 7th grade.

You don’t know if you will win the CDB scholarship yet and won’t know for sure until late summer or fall. And the scholarship would cover local day schools, too.

You don’t have to decide whether or not to APPLY to boarding school until the fall. And you don’t have to decide whether to attend until NEXT April.

Do what you can to support your dad now. He must be under a tremendous amount of stress. You don’t need to persuade him of anything YET.

Stop pushing for boarding school for now. In late September or early October, ask if you can apply to a few boarding schools in addition to local private schools. You don’t have to decide whether or not you want to enroll in boarding school for another 12 months. You can determine next March whether or not you are ready to take the leap. Relax!

15

@CaliMex The reason why I am pushing for boarding school now is because the CDB scholarship is due in less than 1 1/2 weeks. As I said above, I definitely would’ve waited to talk to him about this because I don’t want to add to his lists of things to stress about, but I really had no choice.

We definitely understand that there is a very small possibility of me getting the scholarship, due to there being many other smart and talented applicants out there. Our local private schools are not very good, so if I don’t get this scholarship, I’ll go to my local public high school, which is okay. I would rather go there than put any financial stress on my family. So if I have the get this scholarship, I am definitely applying to boarding school.

Again, I definitely agree with you when it comes to me confronting my dad now. If I had the choice, I would’ve waited. But with deadlines being so soon, I need to make sure I have him on board now.

16

@CaliMex, the OP was right not to go behind his/her parents’ back. They handled it maturely and can now go ahead with the CDB application, which apparently needs to be In in a week and a half, with a clear conscience. They can then see where things go and make decisions as they need to. We have no way of knowing the quality of the day schools in this student’s area, so I don’t think it’s our business to tell them not to apply to boarding school.

ETA: Cross-posted with the OP, who said it better!

17

It sounds like you have a great dad! Good luck to you!

18

@Sue22 I didn’t say not to apply. I said that 7th grade, in the middle of a pandemic, isn’t the time to be debating whether or not to go to boarding school with a parent who is working overtime in the front lines as a physician. That decision doesn’t have to be made until AFTER the CDB scholarship is earned, applications submitted, and admission secured. There is no need to have the discussion until next fall/winter, at the earliest, when boarding school applications are due. Or next spring, a year from now, when enrollment forms need to be submitted. A lot of growing up and maturing can happen in a year!

The OP only needs the green light to apply for the CDB in order to have the BS option available next year. The family has lots of time to determine whether or not the OP is truly ready for boarding school when the time comes. That decision is a whole year away.

19

Also note that the CDB scholarship is not merely for boarding school costs nor does the scholarship cover boarding costs but rather tuition and other such expenses at these schools. There are lots of local day schools along with other types of schools and educational opportunities listed on the CDB school page. At this point, there wouldn’t be much need to bring up boarding schools if both parents are set against it. If one actually digs into what the local private schools around the area offer, I am sure that one could make a really good argument about how the CDB could be used to pay for those schools and the cost would be equivalent to the local public.

As far as the local privates one has to ask if they are not very good why would people spend money sending their children there? Have you really investigated the opportunities that they offer? From my perspective, many parents make assumptions of what is better based on what AP’s a school offers or a school’s matriculation list etc. I even had a parent question why we would send our daughter to the local private since the public seems to have a better matriculation list. That may be true though the class sizes are very different but, regardless, what this person failed to understand is how flexible the private school is regarding a student’s curriculum. There is no way the public would offer that type of flexibility - we checked. In this case, it seems that you will have your father’s support and that’s great but my suggestion would be to try to keep an open mind and really investigate all options - local and boarding, private and public etc. so you can find the best fit.

20

@vox_nihili wrote:

Without knowing where the OP lives we have no way of knowing if there are appropriate days schools within a reasonable drive or even if the OP would be admitted.

@CaliMex wrote:

The CDB application requires a parent statement, which is I assume why the OP wanted to resolve this before the April 15 application deadline.

In any case I think the OP was right to be upfront with Dad and not submit an application behind his back. It sounds like the issue has been resolved, so I’ll just say @mssweeteaa, good luck on your applications and feel free to stop back if you have future questions about the application process. There’s a wealth of information on the site, including from students who have been where you are today.