Help! First time college mom!

Parent Cafe
21

@NDMom123

this idea might be a little out of left field but he can get a full ride to Florida A&M:

http://www.famu.edu/index.cfm?FinancialAid&InstitutionalScholarships
A full four-year scholarship that pays for tuition and fees, double-occupancy room rate, and meals.
(Out-of-State value over 4-year period $114,376)

FAMU is like a mile or two from Florida State University. i think he would get a big state university experience there. they share the same engineering facilities if he wants to go that route.

he could get full tuition at Alabama Huntsville
http://www.uah.edu/admissions/undergraduate/financial-aid/scholarships

if he can boost his ACT score to 32-33 it will open up more options for him, particularly full tuition at Alabama and Ole Miss.

if he is really on his own for paying for college, he might want to comb thru this list to so what merit awards he qualifies for, or is very close to. he may have to creative with where he is willing to go to maximize the merit awards he can get for his current GPA/ACT
http://automaticfulltuition.yolasite.com/

if you have not done so, you really need to have the $$$ talk with him. he needs to understand exactly what his financial obligations are, how much college will actually cost, and he needs to understand the reasons why you cannot or will not contribute more to funding his college expenses. the rising costs have made it virtually impossible for a student to pay for college without parental assistance or sinking into massive debt. 30 years ago i was easily able to put myself thru college but the landscape has changed dramatically.

@Pizzagirl

“Why are you upset / offended that he wants a normal big city experience and calls where he lives a backwater? What’s wrong with wanting a big city experience?”

if the least expensive big city experience (U Minnesota) costs over $100K for 4 years then there is a lot wrong with it – especially if there is a potential debt-free option available (commute to UND). what’s wrong with getting a job in a big city after he graduates?

“One thing in your post really struck me, and it was this line:
But he won’t listen to me when I tell him to apply to a North Dakota school.”

well, he really DOES need to listen and apply to a North Dakota school, namely UND. he needs at least one affordable backup option.

22

I find the OP a bit suspicious, but that aside, North Dakota is an underrepresented state at a lot of schools NOT in ND, so that’s a bit of an admissions bump for him :slight_smile:

23

In the next few months, there will be meetings at the high school about applying for colleges and financial aid. Drag him to thsee meeting and college fairs. He’ll learn that most of his classmates will be staying right where they are, commuting to UND or figuring out how to afford the dorms. There may be information of how to afford UMinn, or South Dakota (very reasonable out of state tuition). The dreams of going to USC will become dream of spring break at Daytona Beach or San Diego.

I grew up in a small town with a state university. Very few student went to places other than the local school or the state flagship. A few went to Minnesota for sports (smaller schools). We were not bitter about it, and many grew to really love the local school; we already loved the state flagship.

My kids’ friends became grounded in money reality when it became time to accept their college offers. They grew up with many choices of high schools, many choices of colleges to commute to if they wanted, but they dreamed of OOS giant schools, private colleges with beach access, funky LACs. The vast majority of them go to the state schools, and not the flagship. Some commute to the urban university and live at home. One actually goes to UND (swimming scholarship).

24

I don’t know. I always found that going to those meetings and realizing that everyone was going to be staying right where they were depressing, not inspiring. I really think the OP needs to examine her rationale behind a) not paying or at least contributing towards tuition and b) her feelings over hearing that the son wishes to leave ND.

25

I have to agree that community college is where your son is most likely to have to go, given the budget you have set. He can try for some scholarships, but even winning full tuition will not be enough if he has to fully fund his own travel, room and board (or apartment and food), books, fees, etc.

I am wondering, however, if you have actually done any research at all on how financial aid and student loans work? Made any attempt to look in the family budget for more than a few hundred a year?

Have you run the government FAFSA4Caster https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/fafsa/estimate yet?

Have you run any college Net Price Calculators together? Here is the University of Minnesota, but all schools have NPC’s, just google the school name plus Net Price Calculator. https://npc.collegeboard.org/student/app/tcumn

Have you read any books like Right College Right Price? https://www.amazon.com/Right-College-Price-System-Discovering/dp/1402273797

Have you looked into the federal government benefits for education? (IRS Publication 970) Most families qualify for at least some sort of tax deduction or tax credit on college expenses.

If you truly have a solid six-figure salary and substantial assets that preclude you from getting any need-based aid, and you live in North Dakota (not known for the sky-high cost of living), and you still cannot afford more than a few hundred a year for college costs – Maybe you have something unusual like high out-of-pocket medical expenses? Extended family who are dependent on you? Anything you could discuss with colleges to make a financial aid appeal?

Or are you just going to wash your hands of the whole thing and leave it all up to your son to figure out?

Your son should NOT be “just starting a list” the summer before senior year. He should be FINISHING his list and getting ready to get all those applications and recommendations in first thing in the fall. If he needs merit aid, he needs those applications in before Thanksgiving, while the scholarship money is still available.

Out of state big football flagships are your WORST financial decision ever. They typically have the highest costs for out of state students, except for those which have merit-aid or tuition-break programs that your son might qualify for. Cal is absolutely out of the question - have you seen the cost-of-attendance for out-of-state students? They give ZERO aid for out of state. Zero. If he wants to leave the state, big-name football teams are going to cost him big bucks, and the money’s not going towards a better education than he would get at a non-bigtime-sports school.

Get him to focus a bit on his life after the football games are over. What does he want out of the education and career-opportunity parts of his college experience? Because if all he’s thought about is where he wants to watch football, he has a lot more college research to do, too.

26

Since your husband is a retired marine, does he have any education benifits like the GI Bill that can be used by your son? A friend of mine retired from the service (AF?) and his daughter used his GI benifits to attend college.

I also feel that, if possible, parents should help with college. Why? Because in the future, I might need financial help and if all my kid has is a high school education then it is highly unlikely he will earn enough to be able to help. There are many cases where people can be sucessful without a degree but i am trying to stack the deck by helping my kid.

27

I find the original post a little “suspicious” as well. But assuming that it is legit, here is my thought to the OP.

Given that you are refusing to help your son financially ** at all** why are you involving yourself in his decision making process? You have taken the position that as far as college is concerned he is on his own, so let him be.

If this scenario is legitimate I find it very unfortunate.

28

This is going to be one of those threads where the OP never comes back.

29

Pizzagirl, that’s because your kids had other options both financially and academically and you’ve stated several times that you arent interested in what other student interests, achievements, or scores are, so why would you like a general meeting about colleges aimed at those students who dont have unlimited choices? Some of us needed those meetings to even get stared. Some of us have severe financial limitations and our kids didn’t have the stats to qualify for the meets full need schools or the huge merit awards. Most students go to instate schools. Not people on CC, but real life people.

30

@noname87 I forgot about that! Now that I think about it, the only two families in “real life” that I know expected their kid to totally pay their own way were headed by military men. But, yes, military benefits might be a source of college funds if the dad allows it.

31

Some people on CC would kill to go to my local, instate option :slight_smile:

32

I don’t think your S was rude at all. His grandmother asked him a question; he answered it honestly.

I too don’t get how a family that allegedly won’t qualify for need based aid can refuse to pay anything towards the cost of college.

If I were counseling your S I would suggest he investigate each of the following:

(1) joining Americorps for a year. Of course, there’s no guarantee he’ll be accepted, but check it out https://my.americorps.gov/mp/listing/publicRequestSearch.do There is a (small) education award. It will help a bit. Moreover, it will give him a chance to get out of ND for a year and try living somewhere else. Who knows? He may decide he likes ND more than he thought.

(2) Look into the possibility of getting an on campus job. Some colleges allow employees to take a small number of classes at a reduced fee.

(3) Look for a nanny position. While more girls than boys do this, some families like having young men. Go through a reputable agency. If your S is interested in this option, he needs (1) a clean driver’s licence; (2) CPR classes; (3) experience working with kids–even babysitting will help, if the families will give him good references. He can volunteer for story time at the library, at a nursery school or public school, etc. An acquaintance of my D’s did this. She worked as a nanny for two years. She lived in, so had no expense for room and board. She saved almost every penny. She also worked weekends doing something else. You don’t say, but if you have younger kids, that’s a plus. Doing this also gives him the option of living somewhere else and saving some money.

(4) Check out the requirements for establishing residency in another state. Apply for jobs in that state. Move there if he get get one.

(5) Look into options like the Coast Guard reserve. It’s more risky than it used to be, but many states offer instate tuition to all reservists. He will probably have to spend some time on active duty.

Unless there are special circumstances which you haven’t posted–if I were your S I’d be more than “moody.” I’d leave and never look back.

33

I see I’m getting some flack for the whole “won’t be able to pay tuition” thing.

We’ve only recently been able to actually put away money now. We’ve been having to go into rainy day funds for years because my husband had gone through furloughs and layoffs.

I might have always meant for my son to get a degree, but only recently have we had the means to start saving for 20 years. So, we make too much money now to qualify for anything, but only recently have we been able to save.

I understand why he wants to leave. I’m just worried about him. I understand why he needs space. I get why he wants to just live normally. But I just keep wondering about whether or not he can do that.

34

Have you run NPCs to make sure you won’t qualify for any FA?

35

Have you run an EFC calculator yet?

I suggested the federal government one above, but try this one too:

https://bigfuture.collegeboard.org/pay-for-college/paying-your-share/expected-family-contribution-calculator

Normally, the FAFSA EFC gives the lower family contribution, but if you have a high income but few/no assets, you may actually get a lower EFC from the Institutional methodology.

I worked with a family where the dad was underemployed for years. They rent, don’t own a house. Their Profile EFC came out lower than their FAFSA EFC, which is unusual, and then some of the school net price calculators are coming out even lower than the college board’s IM estimate as well.

Even if you are not contributing money, your EFC will determine how much your son needs to borrow, assuming you are willing to file for financial aid.

36

@NDMom123 please run a net price calculator for university of Minnesota and maybe a private college that provides good financial aid and see if u qualify for some aid.

The problem is, without your financial assistance there is NO WAY your son will be able to take enough loans to pay for any school other than community college, unless he can score a full ride merit offer at Alabama or something to that effect. How did he do on his PSAT?

As a professor, do you get the tuition exchange program? Will your son be able to get full tuition at UND?

37

"I understand why he wants to leave. I’m just worried about him. I understand why he needs space. I get why he wants to just live normally. But I just keep wondering about whether or not he can do that. "

What are your concerns? Fear of the unknown or concerns specific to the actions and maturity of this child? Many, many young people leave their parent’s home every year for college - even in locations far from or very different than the parent’s place of residence. The fact that he’s itching to be gone says to me that he’s certain of his ability to handle a new experience.

I’ve known kids in situations like this who have joined the military to gain independence and the benefits.

38

@NDMom123

We went through unemployment and underemployment after the crash in 2008. It’s taken time to dig out, and we’ve recently had an increase in income, which raises our EFC.

Our problem is a combination of affordability and cash flow, plus we are not financially prepared for retirement.

We did take out loans for D13’s junior and senior year tuition at the state flagship. We are on track to get those paid off ahead of time, knock on wood. She is responsible for room and board, which she manages with a combo of student loans + working. She did her first two years at community college.

We won’t have to take out loans for D16, as she was offered an amazing package from University of Kentucky.

I hope you can find a way to help your son feel hopeful, and like he has choices. There are affordable schools out there for great students, but even the most affordable require SOME parental help. Perhaps you can start with what you can afford to put towards school, even a loan, each month, and come up with a budget.

39

Was your son aware that you would not be providing financial assistance? It sounds as if this was something you’ve known for awhile - but did he? If this is a recent revelation, his upset is very understandable. It sounds as if perhaps a frank discussion about finances might be in order. I know that isn’t fun. My husband was recently laid off and it’s completely changed the optics of what is or is not feasible for college expenses for my rising senior. But we’ve always included him in financial discussions regarding college costs, loan limitations, our ability to contribute, etc. Is he disappointed that we had to take some colleges off the list? Of course he is. But he knew even before the family changes that there was a budget so by keeping him involved at every step of the process, he’s felt ownership over the process.

I second the earlier suggestion to consider Florida A&M.

40

He wasn’t at first, but he’s become more aware of this. He’s just becoming more and more bitter and closed off as he learns more.