You’ve worked and saved towards this for so long, let her go and have her dream. No regrets!
When I started reading your post, I thought it was going to be that the “dream” school was above budget. However, if the school is within the budget you set, I would try to forget those other options. It is painful. Especially if you think about what you could be doing with that money. Certainly, you can have the discussion with her about what she might gain if she chose the cheaper option (no loans, unpaid internships, semester abroad, a car -whatever you would put on the table). Once she goes, you will not think about it so much, as long as she is happy.
One way to think about it is that most families on CC are spending more than they have to for a college education. Cheapest option is typically to live at home and go to a community college for 2 years and then transfer to a 4 yr school. But most of us are willing to pay for the live away , 4 yr college opportunity. There are also schools where most kids could get a very substantial merit scholarship, but not as “good” of an education so we pay more - within reason - for a better education and experience.
Think about the other big decisions you have made. When you bought your home (or picked a place to rent) did you pick the very cheapest option - even if it was too small for your family or in a less desirable location? You probably weighed what you thought you could afford (which was likely less than the mortgage calculator thought you could).
It is hard to leave money on the table, but great for her to have an affordable option.
Twoinandone brings up a really valid point I guess I had not looked at for that angle. I looked at her ability to be a college athlete at this school as the instant social circle and support group without the Sorority cost and drama and continue what she loves to do… Not so much from the value of the tutoring and academic support and mandatory study to maintain a GPA. That certainly does have value that is worth a lot.
I understand where OP is coming from, and I sympathize. I don’t think it makes you crazy to want to understand why the cheapest option might not be in your child’s best interests.
We raised our pups teaching them that the way to make good decisions is to consider all the important information. They understood that we could contribute only a modest amount, because other family needs also impact our financial picture.
Like others, we set a conservative budget before applications went in, but we also told them if our financial situation changes, we might not be able to help as much as we’d like. They understood we wouldn’t be helping them for a 5th year, nor would we help if they flunk out. We told them we would not sign for any Parent Loans. I even told them ahead of time that if they had choices, while they didn’t have to choose the cheapest option, I would want them to explain their choice if they didn’t pick the cheapest option. I told them I understood that commuting to Community College might be the very cheapest option, but despite everything, I understood that this might not be their best option.
Families have different values, but most parents want their children to be happy and successful. The way to accept the non-cheapest option is to reconcile yourself to being proud your child has learned what will make her happy.
And @thumper1 - when it comes to bargain shopping, you may think you are the best, but you probably understand that people can be very competitive at these sort of things. I am fond of telling people I may not be the very best, and there are some as good as me, but I have never met anyone better than I am. 
I get it. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you pay full price. Since the decision is made, try to think of it this way:
You want to buy a red dress, a specific one you’ve been admiring for X occasion. The occasion is coming up, and you are waiting for it to go on sale. But it doesn’t. It is very popular, and is selling out, so you know there will be no sale.
On the next rack you see a red dress at 50% off. Wow! You grab it and try it on. Not a great fit. Hmmm. The original dress comes in orange, which is 50% off. Let’s try that. Wow. Great fit, love the dress…but orange? You see why it is on sale! You look terrible in Orange…
Now you have to decide: this event is important. Maybe it’s a work thing to announce a promotion. Maybe your 25th reunion. Do you buy the discounted dress that had a funky fit? Do you wear the orange and hope it is dark out? Or do you pony up for dress that looks great in red before it sells out?
Essentially, you prioritize. You willfully close your eyes to the bargains bc they are no bargain to you, right? Think of it that way:)
My S gave up $128k from Tulane to pay full price at Michigan. Red dress/Orange dress all over again. I’m sure someone bought that orange dress at a bargain price and looks fantastic in it today!! (Maybe the dresses should have been Blue and Green? Lol!)
We tried the “incentives” to which our kid said “don’t try to bribe me”. She was right.
To the OP…congratulations on your daughter’s great college choices. My bet is you also really love the place she has chosen to attend. That being the case…celebrate!!
Two in college now, at expensive private schools, both got into top in-state publics, with merit at at least one in-state.
Know your kid. If they have drive, ambition, concrete goals, might be worth the money to spend more.
If they are not the hardest worker, not sure what they want in life, a cheap public school allows them to change
majors, explore, end up taking 5 years for undergrad if they need it, without breaking the bank.
The other way to handle this, is tell them the amount you can spend, and if they spend less, they can use
the difference towards their first car
Oh, I’m so sorry to tell you that there WILL be drama from the team. Whining and drama. Add boyfriends and there will be whining, drama, and tears. My daughter complains about the same things she’s been complaining about since 2nd grade, that the others leave their trash on the field, don’t help pick up balls, don’t try hard enough, that no one helps move the nets. Same complaints, different setting.
My daughter is also in a sorority. Doesn’t cost much and gives her an escape from her team. She plays one against the other (“Oh, I can’t go to a meeting because I have a practice.” “Oh, I can’t go to a team building (optional) activity because I have the sorority”). Works for her. Her second year she lived with girls from another team. That was better because it wasn’t 24/7 of the same group of girls but the other athletes understood going to bed early, traveling and missing a class, coaches, pressure.
We have struggled with the same decision and the opposite outcome does not bring peace.
Both DH and I are bargain hunters. We have scrimped and saved and done with less, always. Our children have grown up with always waiting for a sale (even heading to the laundrymat for over a month while trying to save enough to pay cash and waiting for a sale for the new washer), substituting for something good enough, wearing/using second hand, and making due with what we have when everyone else was getting new. We are fortunate enough to earn a comfortable living with both of us working that could be much less frugal.
Like you, we ran numbers and gave our oldest a number. She was fortunate to get into all of her schools and only applied to those that would be at that number or less. Amazing situation to be in. Decision time. We wanted her to look just at fit since the financials were narrowed down even before applying . Trying to narrow down her choice was so difficult for her and she ultimately chose the cheapest option. She says she loves it (and we love it), but we worry that she made this as a financial decision only. Everytime she talks about her decision she talks about return on investment and the great deal first, then she talks about all of the other things she is excited about. As her parents we worry that we have limited her so much that she doesn’t want to even consider spending more than necessary. At one point we asked her if they were all the exact same amount would she still make the same decision and she answered that they weren’t the same price so it was not worth even thinking about that scenerio.
I get your concerns and certainly understand your post. You are not taking back your offer but you are struggling to spend more when less could be good enough. So, from the other side of the issue, enjoy the joy that your dd is experiencing and be proud that all of your hard work and saving that provides this choice for your dd. It will give you immense pride watching your dd thrive and knowing that you have the ability to provide her with such an amazing start on her adult life. It would be different if she was dreaming for a school above your buget and you couldn’t or wouldn’t go that high. Since you can do it, now embrace it and relax knowing that she is confident in her decision.
@bamamom2021: “At one point we asked her if they were all the exact same amount would she still make the same decision and she answered that they weren’t the same price so it was not worth even thinking about that scenerio.”
Your D sounds extremely mature.
I wouldn’t even ask that question about what if they were all the same price because in life, nothing is ever exactly equal. BF/GF, job, other major life decisions, etc.
You have the right to feel however you choose. It’s your child and your money. She sounds like a great kid. As such, she will probably do well in life regardless of the school she attends. Anecdotally, I know several people who attended Top 5 schools as well as those who attended average state schools and there doesn’t appear to be any correlation to money or happiness. My wife feels the same way as you, looking at the empirical value of one vs. the other. Having attended the meat grinder that is UC, I’m for the private school. As a family, we have yet to really sit down and discuss it, but we plan to. Best wishes, you have my empathy.
@leennp We also set an upper limit and D is debating the merits of three schools that came in under that number. The difference between the least and most expensive is about 15K per year. I suspect that she will pick the most costly option and I also believe it’s the best fit. So I’m viewing it as “you get what you pay for.”
If there hasn’t been a significant change in your finances and you can meet the projected college costs of any other children, then send her to her dream school and watch her thrive.
One more point to add-- I’ve observed that families where “thrift” is considered a shared value, part of the family’s “glue”, and a bonding activity, do MUCH better when they are sacrificing for a kids education vs. the families where there isn’t the same unanimity. Sometimes it’s a parent- ones a saver, the other has expensive toys or hobbies-- so every $100 or $1000 cutback or expenditure is met with eyerolling or a lot of resentment. Sometimes it’s a sibling- one kid ends up feeling that his hockey is less important than sibling’s college education since that’s a huge expense ripe for chopping- plus he’s been complaining about hockey all year so it’s the first budget item to get slashed. And yes- he doesn’t like hockey, but he also resents having to give up something to make a siblings “dream” happen.
Don’t go into that dark night of scrimping for the more expensive college without taking everyone’s temperature.
I felt good about being able to fund our kids colleges because for whatever crazy reason, all of us signed on for it. I would have been far more ambivalent if some of the “nice to have’s but not essentials” that we cut out while the kids were in college hit a nerve with another family member for whatever reason.
And agree with the poster above that making sure your kid knows the drill- 8 semesters total, anything else- you figure it out is the way to go. I had one kid who tested that bright line a couple of times and we dug deep- you want to take a semester off? Come live at home and get a job. But we aren’t paying for you to live near your campus while you “figure things out” (one fraternity brother did that- no classes, no responsibility- just a “semester off”). You want to study overseas? Figure it out (one kid did that- a fellowship with a stipend, plus a crappy job to fund it). You’ve changed majors three times already? (one kid did that)- congrats- go follow your heart. But we’re paying for 8 semesters. See you at graduation.
what are the schools in question? if the flagship is like Michigan or Virginia, maybe it’s not so cut and dry.
I realized just now that I do have one regret about my daughter going to the college she went to (which is 2000 miles from our home). Because of our finances, I felt that I could not justify visiting her at school, and so I saw her college only twice, when the entire family dropped her off before her “first-year journey” and when the entire family attended graduation. My former husband went a few more times, to attend orientation and to help with transporting a car, and D2 visited her sister and looked at colleges in the area, but I’m so frugal that I felt guilty about spending money on myself and so made only the two trips. Is this something that might happen with you and your spouse? Would this make you or your daughter feel sad?
I am still struggling with this, and D1 is finishing sophomore year at the priciest college on her list! I found that little things tick me off more than the ginormous 40k tuition bill, like a lab fee for 200 for “Math Lab”. Really? Math Lab??? Are they giving out calculators or taking field trips to the abacus factory? Or finding out that the much-vaunted expansion of campus housing for upperclassmen will NOT in fact be available to upperclassmen as expected, because the U is using those buildings to house freshmen while they renovate the freshman dorms…so let’s add 4K plus a leasing headache for off campus housing…
I think part of the shock is my saving for 18 yrs and watching those funds rapidly evaporate.
I try to talk myself out of the frustration in a few ways.
- I know that if D1 had picked one of the less expensive schools she didn’t want, every snag or sub-optimal situation would have been (in her mind) because she was at Penny U vs Diamond U…the effort to overcome would be anemic.
- I have younger kids, and I know if they saw D1 pushed to accept the cheapest school, the siblings would have cut back on their own efforts with school…why make the effort?
- Giving my kids a real choice of where they attend school has always been a goal of mine, because my choices were directed by lack of family finances…so I should be proud that I can make this possible
Sometimes I don’t stress out about it, but the cost really is irrationally expensive, imo…it’s a seesaw for me
Op, I will be honest. You will feel buyer’s remorse from time to time no matter what.
We set a simple budget for oldest DD. $5000 from us, $5,000 from her, and Stafford loans. She was also responsible for books, etc. She was left with 3 choices after all was said and done.
Our state flagship, after scholarships and financial aid, would be fully covered, no out of pocket costs, no loans, no work study. She would even get a "refund" that would have covered all the indirect costs.
Second choice was our state liberal arts school. Out of pocket would have been around $2,500 plus books, etc.
Last was a private liberal arts college that she fell in love with. VERY generous financial aid and after her outside scholarship it came in right at the top. 5/5/5 plus books, etc.
Last school is what she chose and it was the right place for her, but each year I would have tinges of buyer’s remorse. She actually received more aid the last two years so that helped.
They pass. You will see her happy and thriving. It will nag in your head, but you will survive.You are normal.
*Second daughter had same deal and is down to 2, one at the top and one near the bottom. She thought her sister was crazy with her choice, but now sees it differently, but she has always been a lot more money conscience. She realized she could keep her savings for herself and picked the cheapest school (well, not officially yet.) She won’t have any loans and won’t have to work during school if she doesn’t want to. (I am personally glad with what she picked for various reasons, money not being one, except I was worried about their dining option. It was a declining balance and I was afraid she wouldn’t eat! lol)
Good luck to her!!
The room and board bill was what bothered me. $3000 for food for 4 months for freshmen and ‘only’ $1800 for sophomores? Sophomores eat that much less?
Now that my daughter lives off campus? I look back and it was just a number.
I will say I like that daughter’s school just charges an enormous tuition, and very little in fees. No lab fees because they just charge STEM and business students an extra $2000 in tuition. 90% of the school pays that ‘extra’ tuition so it isn’t really extra tuition, it’s standard tuition.
It is helping to ready everyone stories and opinions. Reminds you to step back and take a look from a different perspective you might not have considered. And no we don’t live in cheapest area of town, I think that was someone’s analogy a way back, because that part of town is not safe and I feel fortunate to not be trapped in poverty living there. But had I ever said to myself in this process to look at from perspective of at times in our lives we have bought the more expensive “item” “house” “car” ? No not really. I guess because I looked at it more from a paying perspective not buying, if that makes sense. And another poster mentioned earlier that which state flagship you are talking about would make a difference. I have to agree with that, unfortunately we live in a state with a lower ranked state flagship that is forever dealing with state budget cuts and parents in this state struggle with picking a state school but always wondering what the funding is for this year making it so hard to to plan for costs. And I agree I would have likely felt some sort of remorse no matter what the choice. If we had not really been able to afford the top end of budget we had given her and she had no choice but to choose the cheaper school, every hassel, hic up, disappointment that is part of everyday life would have made her hate the school more and more. Or is she crashed and burned as a freshman at the school we had pushed on her because it was cheaper I would always blame myself for making her go to the school. I am glad we found an option that workable that she loves. We had already taken all the usual “dream” schools off the table as we had to look for schools with merit, and merit for her stats.
10k per year is a very small price to pay for her enthusiasm. We could be out of pocket 30k a year if Ivy Day goes well, and I am happy to make that investment in my daughter’s future.