HELP. mental health, social anxiety, possibly depression affects motivation for school and life.

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

This may turn out to be a rant, but it’s the best way to get my hurricane of thoughts out. Please me help if you have time to read. Read it carefully if you can. It’s messy. I feel I have no where else to ask for help.

My whole life I’ve been a quiet girl at school. In elementary, I was too shy and uncomfortable to speak up. As the years went by and now I’m about to graduate high school, I’ve grown braver with speaking up. However, I feel that even though personally I’ve grown, in comparison to the other kids, I haven’t grown that much.

Let me describe myself a bit. I have a few(2-3) close friends, but even at times I remain distant from them. They’re academically driven, smart, and more socially intelligent than me. Even with them things can get quiet and distant, and I feel that my relationship with them is fragile. Our relationship isn’t strong; the energy level is relatively low and calm. We’ve had those fun times and moments, but for the most part now, I feel that the energy between me and them is dwindling. Then, I also have some underclassmen and other people that I talk to who are in the clubs and music class I am in. I can make an effort to joke and laugh with them, but in the end they aren’t really close friends.

If I didn’t have this social anxiety (let’s abbreviate it as SA) thing, I would probably be really silly, weird, laughing, happy. But it’s been with me my whole life. At home, I’m fine, but at school, I completely shut down as a person. Living with this for such a long time is affecting me at home and as a person. I’m scared and sad.

My problem shouldn’t be called social anxiety exactly, but that is what I call it because I don’t know what else to call it. Because what I go through at school isn’t nervousness or anything, it’s more of feelings of intense inadequacy and feeling awkward and great discomfort in socializing. I feel uncomfortable talking to people. I stay quiet and say little because either a.)I feel I have nothing worthy to say/can’t think of anything (worthy) to say b.)I am UNCOMFORTABLE c.)I feel unworthy of saying anything and that the person I’m talking to is too socially intelligent and better than me for me to talk to, so I stay quiet or awkwardly try to say something. It’s killing me. I don’t think I have depression, but this social anxiety thing is triggering depression.

It’s the end of the high school journey. Currently everyone is embracing and reminiscing about their past and their friendship and signing yearbooks. And it’s hell for me. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel so disconnected from everyone around me, and I feel so uncomfortable when my friends are asked to sign yearbooks and look back tearfully at the beautiful past they had with their other friends while I’m a left out. When I get home, I get really depressed, and I can’t stop thinking about what happened. I’ve signed a few yearbooks, but they’re nothing compared to my friends. I have a yearbook that a teacher got for me (bless her soul) when she saw I didn’t have one, but the reason I didn’t want a yearbook was because I don’t want to remember. I am disconnected and depressed in the school environment; why would I want to remember it?

I have a week and a day of school before graduation. I don’t want to go to the rest of the school sessions. We finished AP testing, so it’s really just party, movies, signing yearbook, and light, irrelevant work to pass time. The socializing aspect has intensified, and it’s making me feel embarrassed, humiliated, and depressed, because I feel that this atmosphere magnifies my emotional and social isolation. I compare myself to my friends a lot. They seem to be enjoying so much love with their other friends. I feel so bad. I feel like I’m sinning for being left out, even though my SA isn’t something under my control. I feel like I am a bad person for not socializing and having meaningful friendships, but I honestly can’t control that. If it is under my control, I would have changed things 13 years ago.

My most immediate problem is that I don’t want to attend the rest of the school days. It’s going to be painful, dreadful, humiliating, embarrassing, and depressing. I won’t be missing out academically. I know people will frown in concern and say, “but oh, you’re missing out!” They’re right, I’m missing out. But I won’t be enjoying anything if I go. For me, the upcoming week will be painful and scary. I feel like crying as I write this, but I’m so sick of crying.

The other problem is that I don’t want to go to graduation. I think that given my social standing, no one, or barely anyone will clap for me. In addition, I feel I will be compared to my friends and have their accomplishments and awards lined up next to my empty hands.

I envision my friends receiving a great amount of cheers and me receiving little to no cheers and feeling humiliated, stressed, and depressed about it. Then, my friends and I will find our family, who may be next to each other. They will congratulate us, and my family will say how proud they are of my friends. My relatives will be coming over to see me, and they’ll ask my friends which college they’re going to. My family and relatives will be impressed and beam at them. I’ll stand idly by and smile as best as possible as I break down emotionally inside. Then, my friends will be pulled away by their other friends and underclassmen. They’ll cry and say how much they’ll miss them and shower them with love and embraces. I will stay with my family, make conversation, and probably ask to go home. My family will try to ignore the fact that I’m lonely and don’t have as many friends as my friends and smile and say they’re proud of me no matter what. We depart, say bye to my friends and their family. I go home. Make an effort to talk to my relatives and act happy. I go to sleep. I try not to cry. Maybe no one will notice. Maybe I do end up breaking down, BADLY, and everyone gets concerned and the night is ruined.

My fear of graduation is probably due to the fact I had a horrible 8th grade promotion. The same friends received awards and a lot of cheers and love. I did not. I was depressed and lonely. When I got home, they came to my house to talk. My mom saw all the awards. She congratulated them. I felt HORRIBLE. That night, my mom was disappointed, upset, and mad at me for not accomplishing anything. It was excruciating and scarring, from the promotion experience to being compared to my friends to my mom’s frustration with my lack of accomplishment.

I’m scared about this graduation or the rest of school days. I REALLY, REALLY, don’t want to go. I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I know running away from my problems won’t solve them, but facing them with the current mental and social state I’m in won’t solve them either. It will simply put me through an immense amount of emotional pain and depression.

I’ve seen a psychologist before, but a.) it felt too complicated and ineffective b.) she didn’t feel like the right person for me and c.) my parents had complications with her and it just made me feel discouraged about trusting her.

My problem with SA is so pathetic, so I’m scared to identify it as a problem with other people. I’ve told my parents, but they seem to think that grades are the root cause of my mental downfall. They don’t seem to take my SA seriously, or maybe they just don’t want to accept the pathetic problem as the true root cause of my instability.

I’m probably going to talk to a school counselor soon about this, but I don’t know how much help it will me.

I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want this stupid SA to be gone. I want to live, but I feel like dying. Like there’s no point in life. It’s painful, sad, dreadful, and pessimistic.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

2

Wow.

The energy level of your friends? Not sure what that means. You have friends. That’s a good thing.

The beautiful past? I think you are romanticizing high school.

Stop thinking about how many signatures you got in your yearbook. You don’t need 20 friends to sign it. You will realize in a few short weeks that high school is in the past. Going forward, no one will care about how many yearbook signatures you have, and neither should you.

You need to speak with a therapist. Right away, this coming week. Show this to your parents. Ask them to help you find a good therapist, and also consider asking if medication is right for you.

I’m not sure what you are ashamed of. This post is far too long, but the general gist is that you are afraid of what comes after high school and you have self-esteem issues. Are you going to college? Without trying to sound harsh, I get the sense you are wallowing in the pity party. Pick up a good book or watch an engrossing movie and try to stop overthinking everything.

In all honesty, I am not totally certain that this post is genuine, but if it is, you need to speak to a professional who can help you understand that your feelings are pretty normal, and that you are just as worthy as anyone else. Yes, speak with your school counselor too, because he/she might be able to reassure you.

Life is much better after high school. You should be proud of the fact that you are nearly done. Look forward to the celebration of the first steps into the next part of your life. That’s why it’s often called commencement, because it’s a beginning, not an end.

3

I think you’e confusing real life with sitcom life. Real life is not a sitcom. Real life is not high school as presented on Hannah Montana or Zac and Cody or any of the other Disney Channel shows you watched when you were a kid. The reality is that so many kids have the exact same experience as you during their high school years. The myth about “the best years of your life” is just that. For many people, high school is a big ugly blur they happily put behind them.

Three minutes ago I finished an email to the parents of one of my juniors. I can’t and won’t go into the details. But suffice to say he’s had a brutal year. His anxiety and depression are impacting every part of his life, and he’s having a real rough time.

Real life is not about yearbook signatures. It’s not about who claps for you at graduation. It’s about figuring out what makes you happy, and following a path that will make you self sufficient and happy.

OK, as a teacher and the mom of a 19 year old with anxiety, here’s what I suggest;

  1. You need to talk to a therapist. OK, the first one didn't work out. So find another. But here's the thing: going to therapy isn't like going to your doctor for the flu. He can't take a test and give you a prescription. You're not going to be "healed" in 5 days. Therapy is a long process of letting another person in. You start by talking about odds and ends, sharing as much of yourself as you're comfortable with. So it's not going to be quick; you won't see the results right away.

Have your parents check with their insurance, and find a good therapist who takes your insurance. The guidance office at school may be able to help. (And no, don’t be embarassed about the request. Guidance is SWAMPED with parents making the same request. Anxiety is one of the biggest issues facing teens today.)

  1. You need to try, very hard, to take yourself out of this lens where you think everyone is looking at you and laughing. The reality is that every other kid is as focused in his/her own issues and path as you are on yours. They're not taking notes on your failings, they're too certain that every other person in the world is looking at them and laughing. So try very hard to change that mindset. The friends who don't get it, don't get it.
  2. This is a shot in the dark, but I bet you a dollar I'm spot on. Reconsider your social media presence. Every single teen I know paints a glorious picture of themselves online. They don't post about failing math or getting fired from McDonalds; they post pictures of themself with Mr. Hottie, implying that they life a storybook life. OF course it makes you feel bad if you compare your real life with their posted lives. Give social media a real rest for a while, and I bet you'll feel better about yourself. No snapshot, no whatever sites you and your classmates like.
  3. As a senior, I wonder what your plans are for next year? Whether you're taking a Gap year, staying local, or going away, this problem will still be an issue in August. If you're going away, you'll need to start an immediate relationship at the Mental Health office. Again, this relationship will take time to build, and you'll want it in place when things get rough (as they will. Again, in real life we all experience ups and downs.) Also, my daughter's therapist was wonderful about doing Facetime sessions with her a couple of times this year, and we'll continue the practice next year. I send her a check fo the regular co-pay, and she schedules a regular session with my daughter. The only difference is that they're not in the same room--- my daughter made sure it was at a time when her roommate was in class.
  4. At the end of the day, nothing else matters but your health, and that includes your mental health. If you woke up tomorrow and felt a lump where one shouldn't be, you would get right to a professional who could get you healthy again, right? The only difference is that this "lump" isn't one you can feel with your fingers. It's there, it's real, and you need to address it.

Speak to your parents today. Speak to someone at guidance Tuesday. Have your parents check the providers covered under their insurance; while many don’t accept insurance, a lot do.

4

Oh my goodness. Thank you so, so, so much for the reply. I’m new to college confidential, but I just want to ask why people spend so much time writing and replying to these threads? Especially since you work at school and may be busy.

I did cut off social media a few months ago, and I did feel improvement and liberation from social pressure and stress, but my problems are still there.

I am going to UCSB this fall. I feel scared about the whole social anxiety situation starting again, but I’m a little happy about starting a new life. I will be studying physics, and I want to do space research one day. I had spoken with a therapist beginning around March I believe, and I had meant to stick with her, but things just felt wrong and didn’t work out. Social anxiety makes it hard to open up. However, I want try again or at least find someone to help.

My mom and dad work 7 days a week, 10-12 hours a day. They work like cows so that my siblings and I have an amazing life. I’ve already burdened my parents with previous mental breakdowns/problems, and at the moment, on the outside, I seem fine. My parents are very tired and stressed, and I don’t want to bring the mental stuff up again. I don’t want to stress them out and put so much pressure on them. I may try to talk to my mom, slowly, but I just want to see what I can do independently first.

I wrote that thread at 3 am and I was very emotional, depressed, and unstable. I am more calm now, but going back to school on Tuesday will probably trigger it.

Nonetheless, thank you so, so, so, so much for putting in the time for the lengthy reply. I honestly can’t believe you and people on here do that. It’s hard for me to reach out IRL, but online no one knows(hopefully not) who I am, so I open more freely. Plus I express my emotions better when given time and the ability to write words than spontaneously spurring them out. Thank you. I will keep your advice in mind.

5

Hahaha. Yes, my post is genuine. By “friends” I actually mean a specific person, but if I get too detailed in my rant I’m afraid that someone who knows me will be able to identify me. This friend used to be so close with me. Our parents would compare us academically and in other areas, just to make us improve. I felt the pressure, and I didn’t achieve the things they did. It tore me apart and contributed greatly to my self esteem issues. Now, I uncontrollably see myself as a failure, despite getting into college and maintaining a decent GPA, because my mind is so set on the fact that if I’m not at the same level of achievement and social standing as they are, I am failing.

I kinda joke with myself that three words that describe me are: pathetic pity party. I am aware of my self absorption because there have been times when I feel okay and that I have control over my life and I would look back at my depression and shake my head at my self absorbtion. The thing is, whatever I’m going through is making me shut out the whole world and intensifying my pain and emotions. It’s making me selfish and unable to think of others. I don’t want to be like this. I want to get better.

I am going to UCSB, which I am happy with. I get to study physics.

I don’t think a movie or book will solve my problems. I do watch movies, but once you come back to reality, things are still the same. I will, however, be indulging in an Ayn Rand book this summer, so yippee.

I will try to see if I can find a therapist.

Thank you very much for taking your time to reply. I will keep your advice in mind.

6

I don’t mean a book or movie will solve your problem. I just think you are spending far too much time dwelling on how angsty you are. It’s not helping you, so try distracting yourself.

Why do you have to perform just like another person? You don’t. You are you. I suspect you are going to find new friends in college and quickly realize that you aren’t missing a thing by being out of high school.

You still need to sort out your state of mind though. Being ashamed of literally nothing and feeling you aren’t worthy (of what? More yearbook signatures?) is not healthy.

7

Yeah, you’re right. My mind tends to take over my emotions and give me tunnel vision about the future.

My lack of self esteem is a problem that is deeply rooted in me, and I’ll need to take baby steps to untangle the mess. I just told my mom about my problems, to which I thank you guys for motivating me to speak up. We will try again with therapy.

Again, I deeply appreciate your help and thank you for replying!

8

FYI - I am currently riding in the backseat of my car while my son drives our family home from from the airport after studying abroad. So this will be rambling…

I could have written your post 30-35 years ago if forums existed back then. You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. It’s a good thing that high school isn’t the best time of your life. You have so many more years to live and experience life! How sad would it be if the best was over.

Fwiw, I felt somewhat better in college. I went to a large school and I like to hide in a crowd. However, as the years have gone by, I’ve learned to accept and be happy with who I am. I just don’t like social situations. I don’t like “visiting.” I like DOING things with people, but just talking? Ugh. Girls night out? Anti-fun. But the irony is, with certain people - a select few like my immediate family and a couple of others- I am quite funny (at least in my mind). And even weirder is that I can make small talk and find common ground with just about anyone. I guess it’s hard to explain. But the point is. Learn who you are and be happy with that. Don’t try to be or like what others think is good. Just be you.

Edit - maybe to clarify. There are certain social situations that everyone else in the world seems to enjoy and feel comfortable and I just don’t. Eating in large groups is one. Sitting around and talking for long periods (many hours) is another. When I don’t feel comfortable it’s easy to feel like something is wrong with you and be depressed. Theres no reason to feel that way. I try to learn my triggers. Most of the time, I tell people I appreciate being included but I need my alone time or whatever. And sometimes I do go even though I don’t enjoy it. But I remind myself there is nothing wrong with me. There’s all kinds of people in the world.

9

Thank you so much for sharing! I just spent the whole day helping my mom at her restaurant. I’m very tired and I don’t really have the energy to type much. But I read your post wholeheartedly and it makes me feel better. Thank you for your words, you and everyone who’s taking their time to comfort a stranger. It means a lot to me.

10

I think many of us had ups and downs in HS and college. I certainly know I had a lot of low spots in HS but got through it.

Our HS asked folks not to clap and cheer until everyone had been announced and most folks complied so it wasn’t s huge deal and mostly folks were embarrassed by those who yelled anyway.

I agree that you having a therapist can be very good to help you sort things out and help you find a therapist you can see while adjusting to college.

Caring for your mental health is at least as important as caring for your physical health. You need both in top shape as you head for college. Good luck and good for you pitching in and helping your mom!

11

Thank YOU for updating us. Please know you can reach out again if need be; in the meantime we are happy to know we’ve been of help. Someday, when you are older, you will have an opportunity to “pay it forward” and help another high school student. Best wishes to you.

12

Many of us here are moms and dads. We’ve seen our own kids go through ups and downs, and our hearts tend to go out to anyone who is going through one of those “downs.” And we’ve learned a lot, through our own experiences and those of our kids.

I said to my daughter yesterday, after that email to my student’s parents: If there is indeed a reason for everything, then her issues with anxiety have made me a far more compassionate teacher. I always felt badly for kids with anxiety, but now it’s visceral. I get it. And I’ll do what it takes not to add to their stress.

But to respond to post #3: It’s a long time between now and August… you might want to get someone to talk to between now and then. The start of a new school can be a huge anxiety trigger; you would probably benefit from talking to someone. Your guidance counselor might be able to point you in the right direction.

And, even if you choose not to go that route, please keep your parents informed of what’s going on. It would break my heart to think that one of my kids needed help, but didn’t want to “add to my stress” by telling me. Nothing in my life is more important than my family. Even if I can’t help with their issues, I want to know about them, to be a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on.

And, again, don’t sweat the whole graduation thing. I know that, in my school, those loud cheers tend to symbolize one of two things: either a loud, obnoxious family or a kid whose family wasn’t expecting him/her to actually graduate. No one remembers how many claps you got, all they remember is that their kid graduated. Try to keep your eye on the big picture-- you’e “commencing” this new, wonderful stage of your life where you can be who you are without the endless drama of high school.

13

Just remember. There are a lot of good and caring people in the world ready to support you. I do think trying to find a good therapist will help. It might take awhile, but keep trying. Therapists are people too. Some mesh well with you. Some won’t. No fault of anyone’s. Just keep trying.

And I agree with the cheering at graduation. We have a tiny family so we are always quiet!

14
  1. As a parent, I know your parents will want to know if you're ever in trouble, OR if anything is troubling you. Even if their first reaction is to cry or complain about it. Please trust me on that.
  2. A lot of people are shy.

From Today.com, “Ellen DeGeneres is an introvert who is awkward in social situations, she admits to Ann Curry…” I’ve been in her audience twice and she was quietly resting when the cameras were not rolling. The good news here is that you can imagine leaving your social anxiety inside a box, and giving yourself permission to be “really silly, weird, laughing, happy” for 30 minutes… or 1 hour… or during lunchtime.

  1. Comparing is so toxic... which you know from 8th grade made you feel bad and anxious. You won't have time to cultivate the best version of yourself, when you're so focused on OTHERS:
  • how many signatures THEY get
  • how loud the applause THEY'LL receive
  • what THEY'VE accomplished

So baby steps…

  1. Replace your negative thoughts with positive things.

Today is a good day, and I’m thankful I can breathe.
Today is a good day, and I’m thankful I have parents.
Today is a good day, and I’m thankful I got accepted into UCSB.
Today is a good day, and I’m thankful ______________.

When you are full of positive thoughts and gratitude, you’ll slowly see that other people’s hard work, talent, and / or success do not and will not diminish you in any way.

So for medium steps…

  1. Imagine being ridiculously happy for your friends' wild success... without expecting anything in return.

My friend got her PhD and cured cancer – alright!
My friend is now the President of USA and has moved into the White House – amazing!
My friend is now a gazillionaire and just acquired Amazon AND Netflix – awesome!

How did that feel? Did being happy for others diminish your UCSB Physics journey? I hope not. It would be like Earth being sad because Mercury and Venus are closer to the sun. You are uniquely you, and you have your own journey.

So, here’s your big step.

  1. During graduation festivities... when parents and relatives ask where OTHERS are going to college, you can learn to say:

“I’m so happy for my friend, because he’s going to Harvard. He has worked so hard these past four years, and he is so brilliant and funny and creative that Harvard is so lucky to have him.”

“I’m so excited for my friend, because she’s going to NYU. She is such a dedicated, and passionate, and talented musician that New York is so lucky to have her.”

And here’s my bonus big tip.
Try to be the one to listen, and encourage, and compliment, and cheer, and applaud, and celebrate, and see the good in others, and be a great friend.

Because guess what…
EVERYONE wants a friend like that.