Query: his English Language Arts AP has a lot of “reflective” writing in literature. (This is not Lit AP). His brother said his ELA had no reading/reflective writing, just writing assignments. Different teacher.
He is struggling terribly with “how did it feel”, “what would you say to the character”, etc bc those things cannot literally be answered.
Is it fair to ask for alternative assignments? The writing assignments/papers he does fine. But these reflection “homework” assignments are so painful for us all. They are worth about 10% of each paper, so he is losing points like crazy.
This is a painful year. He wrote on his wrist “you are nothing”. It’s there all the time. So sad. And this kid is so talented at creative writing. It is a shame.
Any teacher worth their salt should be customizing these assignments for a kid who has accommodations in place. Call an IEP meeting (assuming he has an IEP) to discuss.
Also have a conversation with your kid about the power of positive affirmation over perseverating on the “bad” thoughts. Writing “you are nothing” on himself is giving all the power to the negativity. Ask him to replace it with “you are enough” for a week even if he thinks it’s dumb, just to prove your point that it may help reroute those thought patterns.
Hugs to you, @HRSMom. There is nothing worse than when our kids feel so defeated and we can’t fix it.
Yes, if necessary, for his self-esteem, you may want to let him drop the AP or honors classes. I know that he’s smart but the trade offs can be serious. I speak from experience. There are plenty of colleges out there that do not care one bit if he has an AP or Honors level class. So many would have him in a snap without those classes.
The trade off from my experience is often between making sure that the assignments are intellectual up to his level vs. making sure that he is staying healthy and strong inside. From experience (the “if I had a chance to do it over again”) I would choose the lower-level classes and assignments in a heartbeat. It’s worth remembering that this is “only” high school. He just has to get through somehow. Or drop out. Either way. Once he’s through then the world gets more tailored to his abilities.
Take the lower scores if you need to. As long as he stays feeling okay about himself. Nothing else matters. Don’t make him take the AP test. Unless he’s dying to do so.
You do not want to go through the period of rebuilding self-esteem that we are going through. You do not want to do that. It’s the pits. Really bad.
Priorities IMHO: 1) self-esteem; 2) getting through HS somehow or drop out and get GED; 3) there is no 3 because grades really don’t matter. No matter how terrible his score, there is a college out there that will accept him and will treat him well.
My best friend has a freshman aspie. He struggles with the humanities classes. They are “dumb/useless.” She has tied course success to his being able to play drums in the band which he loves. Seems to be working.
We went through the same thing. Not doing work. Then doing work and not turning it in. Self-critical. Etc.
Hugs to you. Love and love and when in doubt more love is what it takes. Hugs to you and forgiving everything that comes along. Like getting through a blizzard with the wind and snow stinging your face. Head down and keep moving forward. You will find respite soon.
So I sorted all of the papers in his rat’s nest of a backpack by class and date. We are now working through each class to make up the work. I’ll try to get him to continue following this organization method. By Monday he should be caught up!
Some good news: he got a 92 on his AP English paper, an A+ on his video project, and a second interview at Starbucks! (I don’t love him getting a job, but it is the only thing he seems motivated by, so I’m going to see where he goes with it!)
And we have an appointment with the pediatric psychiatrist!
We’ve had a similar problem except with a 16 yr old girl – academically advanced teenager who lacks planning and time management skills, won’t turn in completed assignments (wth?), thinks things must be perfect, has a sense of doom sometimes. I think it’s also normal development for 16 yr olds to start trying to coast for a few years. I’m trying to be vigilant yet not be pushy or invasive – because it’s not my backpack and not my homework! I put more limits on the smartphone use – the phone stops working at the same time every night and that’s when it’s time to study. Tutoring at school helps. The school psychologist sometimes gives real strategies for self-worth, handling perfectionism, other coping (besides avoidance). Other stuff we tried didn’t help. Recently added social skills and communication skills instruction to the IEP. But really I don’t have the answer. More meds aren’t the answer.
My lovely boy is still recovering, but he is recovering!!!
We kept (keep) reminding him that HS sucked for many wonderful creative people. He is still growing and changing and will find his way. It only gets better from here.
I know this is long, but the main thing I have learned in parenting this type of child is not to blame yourself and to adjust your expectations without lowering them.
My oldest son is what we call “Aspie lite.” He was lead poisoned as a toddler and has issues that are somewhat similar to Asperger’s but he doesn’t have AS truly. I accepted the diagnosis in 8th grade in order to get him services that I couldn’t access otherwise, including admission to an amazing alternative HS program.
He excelled in what he wanted to do well in, primarily history and science, and just didn’t do the work for the subjects he didn’t care about, math and English. With English, it was pick and choose. If he liked the book, he would read it and he has always been a voracious reader. If the book didn’t interest him, he’d either skim or do Cliff Notes. He has never liked writing to express his feelings, largely because things are black and white the way he sees them, though he is getting better as he gets older. For instance, if he is asked why a character acted a certain way or how someone felt about something, he could not respond. OTOH, he can recite the plot verbatim.
With math, he is gifted. He knew his times tables by K. In 9th grade (before we moved him to the alternative HS), he always fell asleep in algebra class. The teacher wanted to embarrass him (with our ok because we were working on trying to get him to go to sleep earlier) so he waited till he was snoring and then woke him to solve a problem on the board. My son looked at the problem, said the answer is whatever and he was right! He was asleep again in 60 seconds. At the end of the year, the school called and said that he would need to go to summer school because he wasn’t going to pass. The only way he could avoid summer school was to get an 84 or better on the Regents. Three days before the test, he broke his arm and had surgery. He refused to postpone the test, took it with a full cast and sling and on pain meds and got an 85. I still regret that because I think summer school might have changed his attitude. Instead, his belief that he was smart enough to slide by was reinforced.
Anyway, he is in his mid-20’s now. He didn’t like college - English class is useless… He wanted a photography certificate and he did very well in his photog classes (H was a minor when he went to college), but English was required to finish the program. After the second time he failed English, I pulled the financial plug. He now has a job with the USPS and he seems to enjoy it. He is talking about returning to college so never give up hope. Sometimes, they need to develop at their own speed.
Mine is similar but no lead poisoning. Just very particular about what he will and will not do and after awhile I feel that the parent has to step back and let them fly however they will fly.
We are giving full emotional support but still we don’t have an clue how this will turn out.
Aah, you guys are really killing me in this thread. There is so much happening to wake up memories and make me squint away the things which come too close. Some of the situations are slightly different, some very, but, man…I just imagine a park bench with all of us sitting at it, realizing the next person knew what we were talking about.
I’m going to join in those affirming vibes of @Dustyfeathers and just wait for the wind under the whip of those wings.
