Help: my college kid is discriminated for having a mental illness in an elite school

I’m coming back because I had to leave to be somewhere. To finish my thoughts …

I wouldn’t get an attorney involved at this point. There are just a few more weeks of school left, and that just isn’t enough time for this to get legally resolved where your daughter will see any real benefit. Even if there is an injunction that allows her to stay in the dorm at this time, it will probably create even more stress for her that she just doesn’t need right now. It’s a shame that her college experience will end on such a sour note, but I would go ahead and move her off campus and move in with her for the next few weeks (if that is a possibility). It will give her at least some strength and support to carry on.

After a couple of weeks, you might revisit the attorney suggestion in a civil suit. If all of her medical professionals have deemed her mentally healthy enough to not be a threat to herself, you’ll have expert testimony to rely on, especially if her grades remain consistent and her behavior is not a concern anymore. In a couple of weeks, school will be coming to an end and your daughter will be caught up in everything involved in finishing up and graduating.

Personally, I think the university’s reaction just strengthens stereotypes that need to be shed. I, too, saw the CBS story. It’s interesting that it came out the same week as the college admissions scandal. My thought is that we as a society have put these colleges - and their students - on such pedestals that we send the message that our children are somehow not deserving if they don’t get accepted, that they aren’t perfect. I imagine that there are dozens of Alexandras on each of those campuses putting so much pressure on themselves not to let everyone know that they are simply human with flaws. I am so glad that I am not a teenager or young adult in today’s seemingly Photoshopped-Instagram world.

@chocaddict I truly wish your daughter the best as she grapples with this and other obstacles that come her way. I hope she can stay strong and true to herself!

“Stay Strong” and “Be true to herself” are stereotypes as well- and can be just as pernicious.

Would you tell a diabetic to stay strong? No. You’d tell her to follow the treatment protocol worked out with her medical team. Would you tell someone who’d had an organ transplant to be true to herself? No. You’d help her see that despite her wonderful intentions, there are going to be limitations in her life- through no fault of her own- in order for her to stay safe and healthy. Maybe her fertility has been compromised. Maybe she’s going to need extra support when she gets a cold due to her compromised immune system.

So someone with anxiety, depression, other mental illness get the “Stay strong” message? Because it’s not a “real” disease?

@tutumom2001 Thank you so much for your wisdom. Every positive words and encouragementts sent our way are very much appreciated.
Btw, I am gonna look up that CBS story you mentioned.

@blossom I agree, dealing with a loved one with mental illness is probably one of the most complex diagnosis we have to deal with.

And if you want the other possible side to such a story, I know a young woman who found her college roommate’s body in their dorm room this month. The woman had never been told that her roommate was suicidal and had previously attempted suicide. The woman’s method of suicide put the roommate at risk of injury or death as well. The woman and her family are understandably furious. So universities have a lot to consider in these situations.

One way or another this will work out.

My daughter took a year off to get her anxiety under control (or at least manageable). She returned to school, graduated and is employed in a job she loves. The year off did not seem to raise a flag during her interviews.She still struggles with anxiety and is still learning the tools to handle it.

Bottom line: This is a bump in the road. It will likely be a very long road to get to a good place.

I’d go see DD, stay with her at hotel/motel until college’s decision is determined. I suspect school administration is worried about liability risk if DD has a mental health “episode” in future where she (and/or others) are at-risk. This recent episode was more than “drunk student goes to ER”. Schools are far more cautious about legal liability risk factors.

That said, it may help to provide medical letters determining that DD is capable of completing semester. And if that’s not possible, a medical leave of absence should be applied for, and terms negotiated. Best wishes to your DD.

I don’t think she would have been brought to the hospital and held if there wasn’t something besides the roommate saying something. Did she say something very specific to the roommate? What did she say to the police officer that would make them bring her to the hospital? I’m wondering if it would be best for your daughter to take a little break before attending school. There is much more going on than a panic attack and a miscommunication.

@blossom

Yes - I would. As someone who has watched a loved one struggle with diabetes for 20 years, it does take a strength to navigate the disease, both in its early stages and as time goes on. Learning to adjust to a new situation is difficult, especially when the necessary changes are literally a matter of life and death. You CAN’T falter. Of course you have to follow the treatment regimen. And it takes strength to do just that.

Mental illness is absolutely a “real” disease, and like all diseases, there is more to successful treatment than simply taking a pill.

@chocaddict Here is a link to the CBS Sunday Morning story:

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/a-lost-girls-diary-alexandra-valoras/

So sorry to hear about this. What a terrible situation and reaction from the school. I am sorry I cannot offer any advice other than to call the Dean of Students and others up to President. Is this a large school with a big bureaucracy? Would love if you listed the name - I’d like to avoid applying to that school, just on principle! Best wishes to you and your daughter. Maybe she should take a semester off, regroup and transfer elsewhere?

^^She’s a senior in her last semester. Really the only option is to work with the school to finish this semester, either living on or off campus.

@chocaddict My daughter is in the similar situation right now and expelled from an elite college. sad. hope you have a better outcome. and hope your daughter getting better. keep us updated

Focus on the immediate goal. Can she finish classes if you promise that she will never be unsupervised on campus, and will only be on campus for class and will leave immediately afterwards accompanied by a responsible adult? You have just a few weeks to get through

@charleen Is it expelled? Or ensuring that a student with mental illness who came to the notice of the college (either because of behavior or academic issues) gets a chance to go address it with support from family.

I kind of agree on staying with her – I have a child with mental illness, I get it. IF she had been THIS CLOSE to graduating, I probably would get a ST apartment near college, take a LOA at my work and muddle her through to graduation to get it done and behind her (ONLY because she is SO CLOSE)

I understand your reaction but don’t hold it against the young person who reported. If she was only doing it in reaction to sarcastic jokes then she would be over reacting but sarcastic jokes coming from a drunk person with mental illness and history of self harm thoughts, it was an appropriate action to take. You don’t know for sure, it may have been a well needed intervention.

If she were this close and I felt like she truly is functioning fairly well, and it is what the kid wanted to do, I agree about the LOA and staying with her nearby until graduation.

@bopper yes, expelled for the behavior caused by mental health problems,.academic is fine, 2As ,1B. we agree school should treat mental health impaired student like any other student with medical issue. but it is not. that is why we are so sad, we don’t have the power / energy/time /resource/knowledge to fight with school. we are focus on helping our kid to get better, strong, and treatment.
reading and sharing the story here is a therapeutic way, knowing we are not alone and there are caring people out here. thank you