HELP!!! my D is in serious trouble at her college

<p>I just have to comment on the “guesses” that have been made. Have any of you ever looked at the rules/student code of conduct for some of the conservative Christian schools - e.g. Oral Roberts, Abiline Christian, Dordt, Harding? Many colleges impose very serious consequences for having a person of the opposite sex in your dorm room…some of these schools will discipline a student for skipping mandatory daily chapel, not going to church on Sunday, wearing shorts or dancing (even off campus).</p>

<p>For your reading pleasure. </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.harding.edu/PDF/Student_Handbook.pdf[/url]”>http://www.harding.edu/PDF/Student_Handbook.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Most likely not the OP’s D’s school…just an example of the types of things that can get a student in trouble at some schools.</p>

<p>Thank you everyone. I am so very grateful for all the helpful suggestions of what to do in a “gap year”. It is quite difficult to think logically when there is so much anguish and stress that i am feeling, and also trying to conceal from her.</p>

<p>We will also look into BYU for a 4th year. I would love and appreciate more ideas, from anyone. I personally have no loyalty to the school, and would like nothing better than for her to put some distance between; however, she still loves her school, in spite of what she feels is a horrible injustice.</p>

<p>This was not related to hazing or breaking a conservative Christian rule.</p>

<p>It doesn’t really matter what is the incident, w hat matters if she did what she is accused of. As a parent, I may think the punishment is extreme etc but if she really did break a rule, potentially put another student in danger, damage school property, whatever, I would make the year be about working and community service. No matter what your kid did, they deserve support and help but blindly assuming your child had no fault in this matter is perhaps the worst disservice you could do for her.</p>

<p>Suspending a student may not be “fair” punishment for what the student did, but I really think I would try to be objective about whether my child needs to do some appropriate activity to make up for the lapse in decisonmaking, etc. Are you absolutely certain that your student is telling you the truth?..you say it is a question of he said/she said…well, why do you believe your child and the university doesn’t? If she really is being treated unfairly, I would get a lawyer involved, but I would be absolutely certain that you have the whole story.</p>

<p>I support my children, they have been truthful and good citizens to date but I do NOT assume that they will always tell the truth, make good judgements, etc. They are human and far from perfect and an automatic assumtion that your kid is right, someone else is lying, is not advisable.</p>

<p>This might seem insane, but after the incident at Rutgers this past week, I think you will start to see colleges having 0 tolerance on a lot more issues, especially private. State universities are owned by the state, thus they cannot be sued for financial damages like a private university.</p>

<p>The judgment against their child might have something to do with fear of a lawsuit from another parent. Thus, they are giving out this punishment as proof from a legal standpoint that they have done everything possible to protect all of their students.</p>

<p>For all we know, it was a stupid practical joke of throwing a water balloon out the dorm window and causing injury to another child. No kid that throws a water balloon believes they will inflict pain, but it happens.</p>

<p>It could have been like Rutgers where the student went to the RA (their child) and says I want out because of my roommate, but never gives the details of why they want out, so the RA said sorry, no, work it out, and if not you can ask to move in January.</p>

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<p>Then let her take the year off and finish her degree. If she does transfer or take classes somewhere else, then she’s going to have to explain why she has two transcripts for her college classes. If she finishes the degree at one school, then that’s only one transcript and no questions.</p>

<p>It’s really not the end of the world. Please try to calm down and let your daughter take the lead.</p>

<p>You really don’t need to know what happened to give some basic advice. If the suspension occurs then the best course of action to make something good of the year off, return and finish. Options will depend on if she HAS to make money or you can suport her. They can include:
Volunteer in an area related to her major.
Volunteer in area related to misdeed.<br>
As others said, travel and study related to her major.
Find work in any related area. </p>

<p>The point will be the story she can tell about what she learned about herself and others after this is over. If she is remorseful and makes something good come out of it the story is strong. She will be fine and many life lessons are harsh but not fatal. They sometimes even take you on a path of self-discovery that you would not have taken otherwise. Try to help her see the positives that can come out of the experience and not slip into a dangerous depression. She is probably embarrassed about what she has to tell friends, professors, etc. Help her practice one that includes the remorse and redemption plan. </p>

<p>It is hard not to be able to step in and fix everything, but growing up is taking responsibility for your own actions doing something about it.</p>

<p>EMT is a great idea. PLUS insisting on the minimum school time at the cc (for insurance) is good. I advocate something far more nobile than “a job” or language studies This is a 1 year suspension.
Btw, everyone should know, I didn’t: hazing is a criminal act in 44 states- at least.</p>

<p>I couldn’t resist posting this…yet another way students can get in trouble…</p>

<p>[Investigators</a> say dean made students do housework for scholarships - CNN.com](<a href=“Investigators say dean made students do housework for scholarships - CNN.com”>Investigators say dean made students do housework for scholarships - CNN.com)</p>

<p>Maria, sent you a PM based on my own similar experiences.</p>

<p>While I was putting together this post, someone else said most of what I was going to say, but more clearly. In any case…see below.</p>

<p>I haven’t felt compelled to add to any discussions before this, but this one really has my attention, since I’ve known students with suspensions from both private high schools and college, and the range of after effects. This is a big deal—and if handled correctly can be an opportunity for good things, but in any case will be painful for a while. I guess the point is that it is your daughter’s big deal, and you should try to remain calm.</p>

<p>Again, without knowing more about the situation these remarks may not be helpful. But I would shy away from jumping into some makeshift academic solution such as immediately trying to take courses elsewhere. I don’t know anything about the legal side, although it is probably helpful to consult with a lawyer. It sounds like the suspension will stand, and if so, then I’d figure out how to make the best of it.</p>

<p>1) Is there a job/experience your daughter could be fully engaged in, hopefully giving back to society in some way? Depending on financial neccessity—could she volunteer abroad to help in the developing world? By this I don’t mean the sort of puff resume-building summer project that is popular, but something more substantial. This would give her some distance from both you and her school and allow her to regroup and gain perspective. She may come back with a better sense of herself in the world and also gain the respect of those at her school. This seems like a much better idea than trying to finesse credits elsewhere.</p>

<p>2) Counseling may be helpful. Again, ideally she should end the year with her head up—having taken responsibility for what happened and her part in it—whatever that actually was. As a parent you may never know exactly what went on, but she should be able to be honest with herself. The goal would be to move beyond this so it doesn’t define her. Depending on the student there may be a risk of depression especially if the year off results in social isolation of some sort, or an increased sense of shame. </p>

<p>The cases I’ve seen with students suspended have been very tough for the student, and the family. I hope you can work through this with your daughter and give her your support, while encouraging her to move through it and on to better things.</p>

<p>I’m not so sure the trying to “find” a college to supplant the first one makes much sense. She will live her entire life with the name on her diploma, to simply “find” a school any school to move to seems almost like a knee jerk reaction especially when she “loves” her school. Perhaps you are having the reaction that you feel “you” need to distance yourself from something clearly “bad” in your mind…remember it’s your D that must deal with the year away, what she’s going to do, how she’s going to handle insurance, loans etc and then return to finish her college degree. If she’s willing to deal with all that plus the reactions of her friends etc. and the stress of the entire situation, then perhaps you need to put aside your feeling and your reactions. Again really, really hard to give advice in the absence of information, but I noticed you said “we will look into BYU”.</p>

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Who would she be explaining it to? I technically have undergrad credits from 4 different institutions. No one ever asked my to explain why, either for a job or for grad school.</p>

<p>sylvan8798, I would think that depends on how similar or different the schools are. If someone spent three years at MIT but then graduated from Cleveland State, I would ask why. Three years at Ohio State but then graduated from Indiana U.? Probably not.</p>

<p>hmm I’ve been thinking the gap would show- but you’re right- on a resume, we note degree, school year. I guess it’s only trascripts where a break would be noticeable.</p>

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<p>I’ve been asked. My answer is very simple; I’m married to a Marine and we move often. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that this student would be asked as well. If she keeps it simple, then there is nothing to explain.</p>

<p>After your first job or two, no employer is going to ask to see your transcripts. If you are thinking of working on any further degree, of course every school you ever apply to will want your transcripts.</p>

<p>Since the daughter still loves the school, I would recommend having her take the suspension and then go back to graduate.</p>

<p>It must be shocking to learn something like this so suddenly. In the long run, however, this may turn out be a blip on the screen.
I know someone who was suspended for a year for having a BB gun in his dorm room. He acknowledged that it was against the rules and stupid. He came home and got a minimum wage job at a sandwich shop. He was so enthusiastic and nice to the customers that the owner of the men’s shop across the street, a daily customer, asked if he could work there also. This young man worked for the year, went back and finished his degree, got a good job, got married, and is very happy.
I hope that your daughter’s outcome is as good. She should acknowledge her mistake, and whatever she does this year, she should embrace it with enthusiasm and do the best she can. This attitude will take her far.
Good luck!</p>

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So why did you take a year off from “School That I Love” … “Well some personal issues came up that necessitated my taking a year off which I did … during that year I handled the issues and did XYZ … and came back to school a more mature and focused student”. If my kid asked me my opinion … I’d say take the year off and return to school. </p>

<p>PS - One big unkown is if the official school record will include the suspension … I would guess it will NOT … both as a hiring manager and knowing someone involved in judical cases the vast majority of times these things do not appear on a record until the student gets to severe punishments … and although this feels severe it is not; expulsion and/or criminal charges is severe.</p>

<p>OP has already ruled out hazing, but I think it worthwhile to point out that hazing IS a crime in most states.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, 3togo, this school does and will show suspensions on official transcripts. They already told her that if she was suspended, it would be part of her official record.</p>