my extremely bright daughter did an extremely stupid thing

Parents Forum
1

<p>to make a long story short, after a lonely first semester as a freshman (in which she nonetheless managed to make the dean's list), she seemed to be on a very positive track after moving to a new dorm.
Then, for reasons that completely bewilder me, she got caught trying to buy a joint from a kid in a dorm who was being watched by security.
Now she faces a disciplinary hearing. She went immediately to the person who will chair the hearing and pleaded her case (he said he had to remain neutral until the actual hearing, though he indicated some sympathy), and then she went to the head of campus security and made her plea all over again.
She is completely contrite, scared to death. And so, of course am I, especially since she dropped another shoe before me: Apparently in October she was "written up" for being publicly intoxicated and had to attend a session on alcohol abuse. Now I am really floored. </p>

<p>My instincts tell me that she is just overwhelmed by her new freedom at college and is mishandling it all over the place. I had thought that the transfer to the new non-Animal House dorm would give her just the environment she craved, but now I don't know what to think.</p>

<p>What do you think the college might do? The administrator told her they regard this offense very seriously, as they should. Among the possibilities are judicial probation (and I am not sure yet what the conditions of that would be) and judicial suspension, which would mean she would be kicked out for period of time. She is there on full scholarship, which doesn't appear to be immediately imperiled by this situation.<br>
Apparently there will be a hearing next week. I think I might lose my mind in the interval. Please share your thoughts --- I really need them.</p>

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<p>ugh....what a mess. I feel for you! My only advice ..and this is based solely on my gut and no personal experience...is to have your D go to this hearing with an offer. Perhaps she can research the anti-drug/anti-alcohol org on campus and suggest to spearhead a specific project for them. Maybe she can develop a program specifically for freshmen who face some of these challenges for the first time. I don't think she should just go to the hearing waiting for a sentence to be handed down, without having shown any initiative on her own part. They'll need to make an example of her. She'll need to give them a reason to keep her. I think she should show some leadership and put effort into developing her worth in light of this incident.</p>

<p>Let us know how it turns out. Best of luck.</p>

3

<p>A) Love her
B) Don't love her actions, don't condone them, or attempt to fix the situation, make it clear that you consider what she did was wrong, ask her what she thinks she will say/do, then immediately refer back to "A".</p>

<p>If it were my child (and I say this cautiously, because we don't know the full story) I would also make it clear that she is on parental probation, regardless of what the school does or doesn't do, and if there are any more incidents of illegal behavior (I think you are probably right about a new freedom response, but still it is serious and both offenses are illegal) she will have to come home for a time to receive any parental financial support. That may seem harsh to many on this forum, but she is showing a developing pattern of bad judgment that either can be met with a last parental effort to alter, or turn loose to make her own mistakes (she is I presume 18).</p>

<p>There's a lot of teen drinking in our town, with periodic, highly publicized mass arrests, we told both our children as they were entering high school, always keep 50 cents or a cell phone with you, if you are stranded at a party, etc, where you don't fell comfortable, call us. If the party is raided before we get there, we'll bail you out, but don't call from jail, you are spending the night - so far they have believed us, and stayed as far away from those kinds of situations as possible.</p>

<p>My prayers are with you and your daughter.</p>

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<p>That's tough, Cangel. IMHO, I think that response is too harsh. But, you knew that someone would:)</p>

<p>I'm probably more lenient than most parents.</p>

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<p>I told you "so far they've believed us" that we wouldn't come down and bail them out, that's deterred them, Lord knows what we would actually do. I thought your suggestion was a geat one. If when the OP's daughter is asked what are you going to do/say at the hearing (I thought her going to talk to the administrator and security staff was very mature, and the best sign that she may have learned her lesson), she responds in tears "I don't know what do you think?" , your response would be a great idea - ownership of the fault.</p>

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<p>Hang in there, Mumbe. Many of us go through similar problems with our teens. Wild Child acted out a few years ago and got kicked out of his boarding school. He is now much more mature and doing well (2 schools further down the line). Your D will sort things out. The advice of going into the hearing with a positive plan is great. Hopefully this will scare her to death and she will try to avoid these situations. The reality is that there is a lot of drinking and drugs on college campuses and it is so easy to fall into the social traps.</p>

7

<p>Hugs to you. It is a difficult time for you. Despite your shock, however, your daughter has been doing things that many college students do, including students who are on dean's lists and who had previously not appeared to be the type of students to get into trouble. It will be possible for her to get through this experience and end up a stronger, wiser person and to still have many good options in life.</p>

<p>Nothing surprises me about what happened because I worked for 6 years as a college prof, and I also remember well my own college experience in which many students, including people who were "good" kids, and grew up to be upstanding citizens, used drugs and booze. I also have worked in the substance abuse field.</p>

<p>What matters is what college she is attending. A very strict religious school probably would kick her out now and slam the door shut. The school also would have turned her into the local police and the college would have washed their hands of the whole situation.</p>

<p>The average college would, I think, put her on some kind of probationary status in which she'll be suspended if there are any more infractions. Your D's college sounds like this kind of place: a place that holds the students reponsible for their actions while also helping them get the support and guidance that will enable them to be on a better track.</p>

<p>I am guessing that she has been regularly drinking and smoking dope in college. Buying drugs is not something that a first-time user does. Typically, students are introduced to drugs by their friends, and in a social setting. The drugs are provided for free. Drugs are so easy to obtain this way that many students, particularly girls, can regularly use for years without ever having to buy their own stash.</p>

<p>I am guessing that she turned to drugs/alcohol as an easy way of making social contacts. If she's shy or a bit socially awkward, the drinking/drug use may have been her crutch to make friends and to feel comfortable talking to people. </p>

<p>If she gets to remain on campus, it would be good if she joined some kind of organization that is focused on things that she's interested in. This is the way that she can make like-minded friends.</p>

<p>It also might be helpful to her to use the college's counseling center. She can get help with social skills and she can get advice on how to adjust to college. </p>

<p>If the college kicks her out, I think it would be a good time for her to live at home and work or volunteer fulltime or virtually fulltime while also getting counseling from a therapist experienced with helping adolescents with these kind of adjustment problems. If she lives at home while working a job, charge her rent, a realistic rent, so she learns the reality of not being able to buy herself luxuries while working the kind of job that one gets without a college degree.</p>

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<p>mumbo--have you gotten any legal advice yet?</p>

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<p>I agree with Cangel's response. Difficult as it probably will be for you to do, you must hold her responsible for her behavior. When young people make the kind of mistakes that your D made, what can help them get back on track is feeling the painful consequences of their mistakes. Keep in mind, too, that it is very rare for anyone to get caught the first time they are drunk or buy drugs. In fact, most people do not get caught for doing these kind of things. Nice, sweet, high achieving teens can be very convincing liars when it comes to revealing the extent of their drug and alcohol use.</p>

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<p>As Northstarmom said, it will largely depend on the school. I would expect some kind of "probation", but if her incident in October (intoxication) already counts as her first offense they may come down harder on her for this "drug bust." Also, her attempt to buy "a joint" may be presented as an attempt to buy a greater quantity. I remain sympthetic because I know it is a common activity.... and we could end up in the same situation ourselves.</p>

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<p>I was kind of dancing around the truth that NSM stated openly - I'm afraid that you have to assume that this isn't the first time for her, and she will have to regain your trust.</p>

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<p>I have talked to a lawyer, a good friend who also talked to her right after the incident. He thinks she did the right thing by going to the administrator and to security, and that at this point she has done all she can do. He tells me to back off, as does my daughter, who says she now intends to spend the coming days immersed in her classes and studies.
However, I think I ought to contact the administrator, if he will consent to discuss the matter, because I have made a tentative list of things that I think we ought to know more thoroughly: what is the full range of possible punishment, and what are the criteria for those individual punishments? My readings of the student handbook tell me that the university has a lot of discretion there. If she gets probation, what would constitute an infraction of the terms? etc.</p>

<p>I absolutely agree that these incidents don't just pop up -- there must be some history there that she has concealed from me. I am going to tell her that she must go to the student health center and sign up for counseling. Today. </p>

<p>In regard to an earlier poster's question, her school is a very well-regarded liberal arts school, no particular religious orientation. And though I know it isn't really a justification for her behavior, she claims she was coaxed by three others (on the group's behalf) to go seek out the kid who was known to have dope for sale. Like I said, smart kid, dumb move. Naturally, those three have escaped any culpability in this matter.</p>

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<p>good luck with this ... assuming this is private school the school can set up their disciplinary system pretty much however they want. I would suggest that your daughter ask about the process to see what is and is not allowed ... parents, a lawyer, a friend to stand with her, witnesses, depositions ... essentially how does the process work and what can she do!</p>

14

<p>NSM is right, this is probably not a first time. </p>

<p>Lots and lots of kids get drunk and high on a weekly basis for four years without getting caught. Her story is just like "I only had sex once but got pregnant"... theoretically possible but unlikely.</p>

<p>This is a really difficult situation. IMHO you need to strike a balance that recognizes the following:</p>

<ol>
<li> shes in trouble for a crime, it is serious; cannot be made light of</li>
<li> she's (at least) a casual drug user, maybe worse (though the good grades usually fall if it is a <em>lot</em> worse.)</li>
<li> casual drug use, in many cases, is grown out of-- but in some cases becomes full blown addiction.</li>
<li> a huge # of college kids are casual users; she is one who got caught</li>
<li> Lots of people who blow it at age 18 do just great in life.</li>
</ol>

<p>It is so difficult to concurrently recognize the all realities here. I have thought about this a lot because with my own kids I want to demonize drug use just enough to convince them not to do it but not so much that if they do happen to stumble they'll be afraid to approach me for help. It is really tricky.</p>

<p>Good Luck.</p>

15

<p>As an attorney who has look at a few of these situations for friends, in my experience each school has very clear ramifications for specific abuses of rules. I suggest you immediately consult the student handbook or deans office about this school's posture. Unfortunately, buying drugs following a drinking offense could not be good news. School's feel a responsibility to set examples after letting too much slide for a long time.</p>

<p>Mumbe, apart from seeing what you can do to help your daughter stay in school, I must say that I would be more worried about what she is doing. My ears perk up when a child wants to blame drug or alcohol behavior on others. While as parents we yearn to believe them, those who have been through this usually come to realize there is a reason why our child was the one out front who got caught. And when getting caught brings forward info of other infractions they had not shared with you, you begin to see the pattern. My oldest in spades. </p>

<p>So do whay you can to help at school, but more importantly keep a close eye on daughter and insisting she address the root cause of the behavior. Godd luck, my heart is with you!</p>

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<p>"However, I think I ought to contact the administrator, if he will consent to discuss the matter, because I have made a tentative list of things that I think we ought to know more thoroughly: what is the full range of possible punishment, and what are the criteria for those individual punishments? My readings of the student handbook tell me that the university has a lot of discretion there. If she gets probation, what would constitute an infraction of the terms? etc."</p>

<p>I think that you should stand by your daughter in terms of being there to listen to her and to offer advice. When it comes to the above things that you list, your daughter needs to be the one doing those things. She is the one who made the mistakes that led to this situation. She needs to be the one taking the actions to extricate herself.</p>

<p>Taking these steps will not be easy for her. However, the pain and difficulty of doing these things is what will help get her to fully acknowledge the extent of her self-caused problems and to do everything within her power so as not to ever again be in this kind of situation.</p>

<p>You also need support for yourself. I strongly recommend that you go to Al-Anon, the anonymous, self-help group for people who are concerned about another person's drinking. Check your phone book. Al-Anon chapters are all over the world and caring, nice people of all kinds attend. This includes many parents who are concerned about their offsprings' drug and alcohol use. Your daughter does not have to be alcoholic for you to attend and to gain support. You just have to be concerned about her use of alcohol. <a href="http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/professionals.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/professionals.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>It is not unreasonable for you to gather facts about the possible consequences from those in charge of the process. Asking does not mean that you think there should be no consequences, just that you need to know what might evolve. Knowing the possibilities ahead of time will give you more time to calm down, process, and be the supportive, rational parent she will need. Administrators are not very optimistic about the lessons learned when students are full of excuses and parents are heavily involved with trying to deflect consequences. In those cases, they might come down heavier. Second offense usually have meaningful sanctions, so prepare yourself. </p>

<p>It is hard to change social circles on a smaller campus, even if she is in a different dorm. Other students who are not involved with such things will have categorized her, and that will make it harder to write a new script. It would not be the worst thing if she had to make a new start somewhere else. It is far more important that she break out of this involvement with substances than that she graduate from any particular school. The scholarship issue is a problem. Sigh..... Good luck.</p>

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<p>The idea that kids getting drunk in college requires going to AA for counseling is a hoot. Kids in college drink and get drunk--this is normal behavior. After college very few continue heavy drinking and move on with working and having children to worry about.</p>

<p><a href="http://pace.uhs.wisc.edu/docs/jach_brower.pdf%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://pace.uhs.wisc.edu/docs/jach_brower.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>No one suggested AA. I suggested that the parents go to Al-Anon, the support group for people whose lives are affected by a loved one's drinking. Clearly, the mom is stressed and in pain because of the drinking and drug-related problems her daughter is having. Al-Anon would provide support and guidance for the mom. This includes the mom's being able to connect with other parents whose kids have had similar difficulties.</p>

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<p>I agree with Northstarmom. Let her be accountable for her actions. She messed up; let her get herself out of it. Love her love her love her, but don't enable her. And please, go to Alanon. Alanon will help you learn about detachment.</p>