HELP - my son has decided to quit college

Parent Cafe
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<p>If your son is adamant about taking time off, there’s little point in pressuring him to go back. It’s pretty hard for anything external to counteract lack of motivation or purpose if he continues in the same environment. It sounds like he needs to take some time off to mature and to find something to care about. For someone who coasted through school (although not this past semester, evidently, but that may have been due to indifference or depression or both), being in the “real world”, with real challenges may be just what he needs – a change of context for a fresh start. </p>

<p>I think it’s normal for smart kids to get college fatique – after all, they will have been in a structured school setting for 13+ years at that point. It’s really not the end of the world to take a break.</p>

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<p>Without a clear goal to keep a college student motivated and/or a major they find intrinsically interesting, many hit a slump. I wonder sometimes when admissions officers brightly encourage Undeclared majors to apply and joke about how many times kids change their majors once on campus–because finding one’s passion and purpose in life is not always so easy, especially for the more introspective and complicated intellectual being, and especially on a campus teeming with others who have already found it. Then there’s the pressure to plan for the future–pay attention to one’s career salary range. Many bright 19 year olds who may enjoy debating religion or studying literature or throwing pots stop themselves from truly committing to such interests which seem financially doomed. At the most celebrated universities filled with high achieving and very focused (seeming at least) ivy peers, some can hit a bit of panic. They may feel out of step. If they don’t find some resonating true purpose they feel they are wandering.</p>

<p>I suggest this as one scenario that might explain why bright at high achieving kids might find themselves losing steam. </p>

<p>I feel a lot of sympathy for this student, and agree that many good suggestions have been made above (taking a leave of absence, getting into therapy, trying to get unblocked).</p>

<p>I have always thought it must be easier to find one is gifted at something (engineering, medicine, law) that one is also highly interested in <em>and</em> can earn one a good living.</p>

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<p>Something else besides boredom is going on in your sons life. You just don’t know what it is yet.</p>

<p>I assume he is living on campus and that he is registered for classes that begin on Monday.He has left himself no time for the logistics of finding a job and a new place to live. He can’t stay in the dorms if he withdraws for the quarter. If he waits to withdraw he will be responsible for tuition and room and board charges.</p>

<p>He does not have a realistic plan right now. It is your job to help him understand that.
Hang in there. He will probably be forced to live at home and you might have a better chance of finding out what is really going on.</p>

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<p>sax brings up an excellent point about being refunded for Op’s part of tuition/room/board. If OP’s son is at Dartmouth and the student tries to withdraw right now, there will be no money lost. If they wait until next week they will lose 10% or tuition and 10% on room.</p>

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<p>Nice find, Sybbie. For what it’s worth I would take the 10% hit. </p>

<p>You can’t wish, cajole, plead, guilt trip, convince or threaten a kid into going back to school and passing that does not want to be there. Sorry. I learned this the hard way.</p>

<p>An underlying issue will surface and you will then be able to help your son the best you can. It is very interesting that he wants to live in the college town area but not be a student.</p>

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<p>Madbean, great post that I totally agree with, based on our daughter’s similar assessment. It could very well be that this son is experiencing some kind of alienation that often goes with the Ivy environment of external motivators (like grades, resumes, career success, money). It can take time to find kindred spirits. or find a footing that feels “authentic.”</p>

<p>Did the original poster buy tuition refund insurance? This is a good example of a time when it would be really crucial. The student could try to go for a week or a month, and the family would not lose any money. In fact, he has time to visit the college counseling center and get on some antidepressants, like 50% of his peers at college!</p>

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<p>There is nothing wrong with taking a leave of absence…it keeps the options open IF the student decides to return. Personally I think this is a MUCH better idea than forcing this kiddo to return to the college…because you can’t force him to go to classes and pass them.</p>

<p>More than several members of our family took leaves from college. All but one eventually went back and got their degree. The reality is, they NEEDED that time off. They were also getting D and F grades in enough courses that they weren’t fulfilling graduation requirements anyway. It was wasting money. </p>

<p>To the OP…you really can NOT force your son to go to classes and get good grades…if he is not motivated to do so and doesn’t want to do so. He wants to go back to his college town anyway (can’t imagine living in Hanover…if that is the case…NOT as a college student but whatever…that is his decision if that is the school). If your demand that he go back to the school, YOU (and the school’s generous financial aid) will be paying for him to LIVE there but attending classes and such is another whole story. If he really doesn’t want to do that…it’s not going to happen.</p>

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<p>This was my story more than 35 years ago. I enrolled in a highly regarded private university (not an Ivy, but a very good school). I made it through my freshman year. I was not terribly happy, but had decent grades.</p>

<p>When I returned for my sophomore year, I took an overload first semester, and I crashed and burned. I was miserable. I drank too much; I smoked too much weed. I came home for Thanksgiving and told my parents that I was dropping out of school. I had no plan; I was simply so unhappy that I knew that I couldn’t return.</p>

<p>Objectively, there really wasn’t anything wrong with the school. Perhaps I was too immature. Perhaps I had unrealistic expectations about how college would transform my life. I was likely depressed, though that wasn’t anything I, or my parents, contemplated at the time.</p>

<p>My parents listened to me and, rahter than trying to force me to go back, helped me devise a plan. By calling several people over the Thanksgiving break, I created an “internship” with my state assemblyman for the second semester. I returned to school and finished the semester, doing badly, but at least passing all my classes. I took a leave of absence. I started my internship, and enrolled in a couple of classes at a local university.</p>

<p>Once my head had cleared sufficiently, I completed some transfer applications, and ultimately transferred to the University of Wisconsin. I loved it, graduated with honors, went to law school and the rest, as they say, is history.</p>

<p>My advice to you–he may not be able to express why he is unhappy at school. In fact, he may not really know. But his plan isn’t a bad one. Let him take a leave of absence. If he can get a job, great; if not, see if you and he can come up with a creative alternative. Perhaps he can take a class at a local school in something of interest to him, just to keep him going to class.</p>

<p>He may return to school, or not. He may return to his school, or not. Right now, he needs a little distance to help him think more clearly about his options.</p>

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<p>The possibility is actually pretty good: Larry Ellison.</p>

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<p>Several of my friends did this during college, with no long-term ill effects, and several more probably should have. My best friend took off after freshman year and worked in a crab cannery in Alaska for nine months. Another friend spent a year between his junior and senior years doing telephone sales. </p>

<p>No one suffered terrible long-term effects from this. In fact, as advertised, they returned to college refreshed and with a lot more enthusiasm and focus. Yes, there was something else going on in each case, but really it was just more of the same doubt/lack of direction. The kids who were flunking out because of drug/alcohol problems, or because of psychiatric illness, were a different story.</p>

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<p>I went to BC full-time for a year and finished my degree when I was about 31. The remaining three years were paid for by one of the companies that I worked for. I got to work in a few consulting companies, run my own company, and manage a development group. I got to travel around the world too. There were opportunities after that first year that may not have been around if I had spent another three years in school.</p>

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<p>My sister-in-law dropped out of Harvard after flunking at least two courses first semester. (Combination of lousy high school prep, not seeking help, and poor course selection.) She took a couple of years off and ended up in my brother’s class. She graduated cum laude in the end. Various other friends of mine also took time off, and all returned.</p>

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<p>My son decided to drop out and join the Air Force. He was tired of school and didn’t know what he wanted to do and his last semester was also horrible regarding grades. Fast forward and year later. My son is very happy. He is in the Intelligence Division with the Air Force. He graduated first in Cryptology school and is on his way to South Korea in a few months. (He has to first complete a course on Morse Code in Arizona.) He is now looking ahead, plans to finish his degree through the Air Force and complete some additional Cryptology schools to make him more valuable in the private sector. </p>

<p>What did I learn? Sometimes our children decide to take a different route than we planned for them. It is difficult as a parent to admit to others that our bright and promising children sometimes choose to walk a different path. It is easy as a parent to worry what others may think and how others may respond and first and foremost, is how much we will worry about our child “ruining” their future. But, if we look at a lot of successful people’s histories, we are reminded that many walked a different path to find the success they later had. And, many people who take the traditional route and stay on it don’t end up doing a whole lot with their life. What it boils down to is that we really don’t know what will happen and worrying ourselves sick only creates more gray hair and wrinkles. </p>

<p>You have a very bright child. Trust that what he is doing is what he needs. Maybe life hasn’t been so great in the Ivy world, but he isn’t willing to share. Who knows. He is an adult and if he is making a mistake, you have to let him make it.</p>

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<p>My husband dropped out of college as a senior majoring in education. His parents about had a cow. He ended up working as a carpenter and teacher’s assistant in Mississippi and Alaska for eight years! As a carpenter, he became fascinated with the way buildings are designed, since the workers would just guess at the size of timber beams to use. He started taking a correspondence course in civil engineering, and ended up going back for a BS and MS in structural engineering. His carpentry experience has served him well, because he understands how buildings go together in the “real” world. His teaching has also helped, because a lot of what he does on a daily basis is teach clients what they need to know about building design and construction.</p>

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<p>I hope your son goes for the internship idea that I have read from others. My son ran into the same problem as you describe. He took a leave of absences from college. Got an internship at an interesting “think tank” where he could REALLY use his mind in the real world. He started out in an entry level position and moved up fast because they saw his potential. Six months later, he started thinking about college again. The company encouraged it! He went back to college full-time and more focused. He also is still employed with the company as a part-time employee and loving the challenge of the position.</p>

<p>I know the fear and worry you are feeling once you heard the words, “I’m leaving college”. I felt the same way! Hang in there and give him some options. Encourage him to continue to talk with you. Good luck to you and your son.</p>

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<p>DH is one of the smartest men I have ever met – and he bailed out of college after one year to be a busboy at a restaurant for most of a year. He needed some time away from the academic grind. </p>

<p>His parents were overseas (perhaps a good thing) but supported his choices. Eventually he returned to college and not only finished but went on to earn his PhD and is well respected in his field. </p>

<p>Sometimes a student just needs a break. Not in six months (June) but now. I think I would counsel student not to burn any bridges (this is no time to fire off a nasty email over the stupidity of the professor in that D course) – but a few months/years in the “real” world can give a dose of independence and a deeper appreciation of what college life can offer – not a bad outcome at all. </p>

<p>I worked a couple of years and returned to college for a Master’s degree. I decided I needed to take a personal financial management course. Well, most of the kids in the class were freshmen and they were bored out of their minds. They were four years away from anything in the class having any relevance to their lives. Me, however? Total different mindset. When the professor said I could have a lower utility deposit if I had a strong credit score – wow! That was news I could use! </p>

<p>Sometimes we need further life experiences to be the background to what a professor is saying. Good luck. Please give that guy a hug!</p>

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<p>*He is going with less than $900 dollars. He is gambling that all of his plans are going to fall into place as far as a job ($10 to 12.00 an hour), *
$12 an hour job will be.</p>

<p>Seriously…if this kid is as smart as the OP says, he will find himself butting heads with bosses, etc, who will likely be “dimwits” compared to him. Many “really smart” people who are “easily bored” do NOT adjust well to lowish paying jobs because they’re often managed by rather average-intelligence people.</p>

<p>Instead…this kid should request a semester off of school to hold his place. Work and then find out if he want to return to school. I bet he goes crawling back to the ivy halls.</p>

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<p>Sounds like your kid learns from experience. He is seeking experietial learning by trying to live on his own. Ivy is just a bunch of traditional experts lecturing on a one way street into the students short term memory so they can spit it back up. What about an internship abroad? Study abroad also has teaching abroad opportunities. He knows english right? Tons of jobs teaching english in China. Right now.
Good Luck and let the kid be.</p>