My son is convinced that college will be a waste of time. What do I tell him?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi all. I want to pick your brains here because I am just out of things to say to my son who is convinced that his college education (which he starts in September), will be a waste of time. </p>

<p>For some background, my son is a very good student. He has upheld a very solid 3.7 GPA throughout high school and has always been very sociable. He played sports in HS and has always been involved in extracurricular activities. Thankfully, he received his acceptance into the school I had hoped he would get into recently, and will be attending this fall.</p>

<p>But for some reason, he is utterly uninterested in the prospect of going to college. He will likely be studying the liberal arts (he has no interest in math or science), and so keeps telling me that “it's going to be a waste of money, no matter what”. He is constantly sending me links to reports of college graduates without jobs and has adopted a “who cares” attitude when I try to talk to him about college.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, his father is no longer around to “set him straight”, so I have been battling him by myself. I don't know if this is just some phase he is going through or what, or if this is just a natural way of him to “push back” at me, but it is really causing me a lot of heartache. </p>

<p>To add insult to injury earlier today he sent me a link to this website, http://***didigotocollegefor.com, which just set me off. It was making fun of kids and their parents who pay a lot of money to go to college. He KNOWS that this will cause me to go out of my mind, but he sends it anyway. I have already written a letter of complaint to the administrators of the website but I doubt if anything will come of it. </p>

<p>My son has always had a “rebellious” streak, but considering the amount of money I have set aside and will be paying for his education, this is becoming very irritating.</p>

<p>I am hoping that when he does go to college he will meet friends and snap out of it, but for now I am worried that this will become some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy and he will throw away the best years of his life.</p>

<p>Anyway. Sorry if that was rambling! What do you all think? Are/were any of your children like this? How should I act in the face of this? </p>

<p>Thank you in advance,
Therese</p>

2

<p>Well, is it possible for your son to take a gap year and defer his entry into this college? </p>

<p>If so, you will need to ask him where he plans to live after graduating from high school and how he plans to support himself. Also, make it clear that his college fund that you have set aside is just for college related expenses. </p>

<p>It will take some tough love. Maybe he will start up a new social network company and get rich, but that is extremely doubtful!</p>

3

<p>He may not be a candidate for going directly to college from high school. Don’t push it. There is plenty of time for him to go to college later. I wish I had not be so set on my oldest going to college. He really only went because all of his classmates, friends were going. He was essentially funneled into college. Had he gone in his own time, I think he would have been more ready and gotten more out of it. </p>

<p>Let him know that it is his decision ultimately. There have been some old timers on the board who did not push it when their kids did not want to go immediately, and let their children think about a year or so longer.</p>

4

<p>He can either get a job or go to college. Let him get a job. It’s not like the colleges won’t be there later if he decides he wants to go.</p>

<p>Just let him know that you expect him to be self-supporting and move out or pay rent. Etc…</p>

<p>If he doesn’t want to go, you shouldn’t try to “make” him. Good luck.</p>

5

<p>It’s going to be hard, but perhaps the best thing is to quit fighting for what you know will be best in the long run, and let him look into alternatives.

Good advice. One of mine took time off in the middle of college (didn’t like what she was studying). Two years of working in a mail-room deep in the bowels of a bank changed her mind. In this recession even that job probably wouldn’t be available, it may be fast food and sacking groceries and not even getting 40 hour weeks for your son. Let him see how adults with less education get along. Invite him to come over for dinner sometimes, and let him wash his clothes at your house…</p>

6

<p>By all means, respect his viewpoint and let him know that after age 18, he’s either enrolled full time in college or he is working and paying rent. And here’s where it gets tough to be a parent. He might end up moving in with a bunch of other guys, splitting the rent, partying it up and working some menial job. You have to stay true to your word. Within a year or two the novelty wears off that arrangement and he may realize he’s ready to attend college. Consider yourself blessed that you are having this dialog before you’ve plunked down 30K in college expenses.</p>

7

<p>Is he even willing to sit down and discuss his alternate future plans with you, or does he simply rebel at the onset of such a discussion? This could be his way of expressing that he has no idea what career he wants to pursue. Although many students enter college undeclared and eventually find their way, this may not be the best approach for your son if he has this attitude. As mentioned above, maybe deferring for a gap year of career exploration (job shadowing in possible areas of interest) would be a beneficial approach. Another year could make all the difference. Good luck.</p>

8

<p>*If so, you will need to ask him where he plans to live after graduating from high school and how he plans to support himself. Also, make it clear that his college fund that you have set aside is just for college related expenses. </p>

<p>*</p>

<p>good advice…and if you do let him live at home while working, let him know that you’ll be charging him XXX amount each month to cover “rent”, utilities, cell phone, car insurance, food, etc. </p>

<p>This could easily add up to several hundred dollars per month!</p>

9

<p>BELIEVE HIM!!!</p>

<p>I would change course, entirely. Tell him that you hear him loud and clear and you now understand that he is not interested in going to college at this time. Ask if he wants to defer admission at the college that accepted him, or withdraw. Do whatever he says. Then follow the advice given above. </p>

<p>Whatever you do, do NOT let him go off to college at this point. He will flunk out, waste your money, and break your heart.</p>

10

<p>You need to laugh instead of grind your teeth. Require / suggest he needs a job for the summer / life. Remember his brain won’t fully develop until he is 22 - humorously suggest you saved all this money so he could go off and party, hah! Say, Honey, go and get a job this summer, see how exciting the kind of job you can get without a degree is and you will find college infinitely more interesting. Be wise - he can’t hear you, but life will teach him.</p>

<p>Ask and explore career options - you know your son. Would he like being outdoors since he is such a sports guy? Maybe that is a Park Ranger (requires degree alright - usually science) or Construction Mgmt. Does he game like most boys his age? What about a computer science or software engineering degree? Is he great in front of a crowd? Maybe a meterology degree so he will be the next weatherman. It isn’t real to him yet because he doesn’t have a goal and he doesn’t know enough about the world to recognize what kind of job would be interesting. I’ve been telling mine since they were small that the reason you study and get degrees is so you are interested to go to work everyday - lots of people don’t have the option to have their work be something they truly enjoy learning more about. So, laugh a bit and let him grow up. But engage a family friend he likes to talk to him about his real interests and aptitudes. The counselors at your high school would bring him in without telling him you asked and give him some career counseling / aptitude tests / talk to him about college majors - start there - they are paid for.</p>

<p>Say - darling son, you are going to love college because you don’t have to live with me, which will be your fate if you try to live on the income you will get from an entry level job.</p>

<p>Laugh when you say it. Appeal to what he is interested in - he can bring girls to his dorm but not to your house, etc. All boys at this age are pushing off from home, don’t take it personally - it means you have done your job so he is socially age- appropriate in his development. Laugh when you feel like crying - I needed mine to leave badly but two years later and he is a dear. It will come back around, Mom.</p>

11

<p>It will be a waste of time, unless he (not you, but he) finds a reason that satisfies him that it isn’t. </p>

<p>Too many kids simply take up desk space in college, especially so-called “good” colleges, where there are few older students who really know why they are there. </p>

<p>And yes, he should look for a job. And no, you shouldn’t kick him out if he can’t pay rent. Thousands of college graduates are returning home to situations where they can’t get jobs to pay the rent, so why should your son be any different? Charging him for things he can’t afford, when there are no jobs to be had, is the height of stupidity. It doesn’t do him any good, nor you any good. Agree on items you will pay for until he gets work (and that might mean there are certain things that he currently has that he won’t be able to afford - same as the college kids coming home.)</p>

<p>And love him whatever he does!</p>

12

<p>Tell his dumbass, that if college is such a waste of time he can move out as soon as senior year ends and get a minimum wage job.</p>

13

<p>NurseMom, You’ve told us what he is saying, but what is he doing? Is he registered for college, and has a deposit been paid? Is it possible that he does plan to go, but is just letting off steam? Sometimes kids who feel threatened by the prospect of leaving the safe, known, HS-home life become difficult. In any case, I think the advice you’ve gotten here is good. Tell him that in order for you to pay a deposit or tuition, he must make a commitment to go and do well. If he keeps saying that he doesn’t want to go, take him at his word, and do what others have suggested - let him know that the college fund is just that, that he will be expected to work full-time if he is not in school. I agree with others that he should pay a significant amount for rent/utilities/food. It is a problem when kids get used to living at home for free and working - even at minimum wage, their disposable income can be quite high. You need to guard against this.</p>

<p>I have known several boys who had no interest in college right after HS (one of them did not even finish HS). All of them are in college now, one has been accepted as a transfer to an Ivy League school and is on the way to being a university professor/scientific researcher. He had a gap of several years between HS and junior college, but once he went, he was on fire intellectually.</p>

14

<p>Tell him not to worry about wasting the time; worry about wasting the money. Don’t send him until he is a believer.</p>

15

<p>Wow! I was not expecting so many quick and informative replies so fast! Thank you!</p>

<p>For those who have suggested it, I have given some thought to the idea of a gap year, but I am wary of giving my son “full control” over such a decision. I understand that it is his life, but if he is going to do it, I want to make sure that it is something constructive, like maybe living abroad or apprenticing, and not just working at a coffee shop. At this point in time, I am more confident that my son can sit in a college classroom and get good marks in tests rather than find his own way in the world. But that’s just how I feel, I guess. One never knows.</p>

<p>SnLMom, I think you hit it on the nose when you said that this may be my son’s way of telling me that he doesn’t know what career to choose. I think he may be feeling a bit of pressure about a career at this point, and not looking forward to what college actually is- like making new friends, going to new places, and learning new things. Some of the career pressure may be my fault, but I also think some of it might stem from that of his friends, who have already committed to pursuing degrees in pre-med, engineering, and other tough subjects that my son isn’t going to touch.</p>

<p>In my heart of hearts, I do believe that he will “change” when he goes to college (he is so good at making friends that I just think the social aspect of college will be perfect for him), but then again, there are other factors to consider.</p>

<p>In either case, I am very thankful for all of your replies. I’m gathering that the best thing I can do at the moment is to sit down with my son and ask him what he really wants to do, without interspersing my wishes. It’s very hard to be a neutral party in this (as I’m sure you all know), but I will try.</p>

<p>Thank you all again, and I will update you on my progress.</p>

<p>Therese</p>

16

<p>I think gap year with a job may convince him of the value of a college education!!</p>

17

<p>The answer is very simple:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Have him defer the college entrance for a year or two.</p></li>
<li><p>Have him get a job at minimum wage flipping burgers or delivering pizza.</p></li>
<li><p>Have him pay you for his share of rent, utitlities and food. Have him pay all his car, insurance and gasoline expenses.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>wait a month, two months, or about 1/2 year…</p>

<p>then</p>

<ol>
<li>Wait until he comes to you begging to go to college, any college as soon as possible.</li>
</ol>

<p>very simple indeed.</p>

18

<p>

</p>

<p>Actually, there could be much benefit to the coffee shop alternative. Getting a realistic picture of the kind of job that awaits him if he doesn’t get a college degree would be very valuable.</p>

<p>Also, you mentioned that he is destined for the liberal arts because he doesn’t like math and science. But these are not the only two alternatives. There are many career-oriented majors out there – maybe one of those would be a better choice for him.</p>

19

<p>

</p>

<p>Who know what is really constructive in life, honestly.</p>

<p>Some of the greatest friends I have ever had, and still have, now, came from the first couple years I was living in the city and had to have a second job, bartending, in order to support myself. The office people? Long gone from my life… The waitstaff, chefs, bartenders? Many are still in my life.</p>

<p>We were all educated and some were pursuing the arts, others just extra income, a few were in grad school, a couple have become very famous, and a few quite successful, one ended up front of the house… Great to be able to get a table. </p>

<p>We don’t live on conveyor belts. So many experiences are so valuable. H worked a few construction jobs before his career took off and still takes a fishing trip every year with the carpenters he worked with then. He couldn’t be further from that place, now, but one tires of IB execs. Life is long. It’s such a great thing to do different things when you are younger.</p>

<p>Still, he should at least pay a nominal rent, some small amount, which you can even secretly save for him if you want, just so he feels like he is doing his part.</p>

20

<p>My dd, a high school senior, is working in a coffee shop. It is a fantastic education! She works with people in their 20s and 30s who are trying to live on that little salary, while she is living at home and saving like crazy for college. She knows that she’ll quit in a few months to go away to college, but they are kind of stuck there.</p>

<p>She is learning a lot about real life…a poor mentally ill customer who must watch her pour to make sure “they don’t put anything in her cup,” an employee who came to work high and lost his job on the spot, a shift leader who signed my dd’s initials that she had received her tips but never gave them to my dd. I can’t tell you how valuable this experience has been for my dd. She enjoys it a lot, but only because she knows this is a small step in her reaching her long-term goals.</p>