<p>My son is quitting college to move out of state to live with his girlfriend. I am so upset. I think he is being completely irresponsible. He had some scholarships, but has 3 loans all of which I am the co-signer on. I am so upset, so angry. He could be done in 2 semesters. I do not know what to say to him without hurting him and damaging our relationship.</p>
<p>I’m curious…why are you concerned about his feelings? Hurt feelings seem to be the least of his problems. I would tell him to “man up” and finish what he started at school.</p>
<p>Is he quitting mid-term? Is there any way to convince him to finish this term and then get an official leave of absence?</p>
<p>I vote for the leave of absence if possible. Things could change.</p>
<p>Has the girlfriend graduated? Does she have a job that is taking her out of state?</p>
<p>I would be very upset too - once you breathe a little easier, how about presenting it to him strictly on a financial level – the loans he will have to start paying off right away… the loss of his scholarship… the fact that if he returns in a couple of years, graduation requirements may have changed and he’ll have to do extra classes – therefore pay more… </p>
<p>Talk specifics, costs, stats (the unlikeliness of actually getting his degree once he leaves, etc.) in a way that shows you’re worried about the financial reprecussions, not his decision per se. </p>
<p>And good luck. (Kids! Harrumph)</p>
<p>I, too, wouldn’t worry about hurting his feelings!</p>
<p>Does he intend to pay these loans or does he intend to default so that they’re in your lap? (warning to other parents who are considering co-signing!)</p>
<p>Even if he now claims that HE will pay back those loans, you need to sit him down and “do the math” with him.</p>
<p>His GF is not going to like it if a lot of his take-home pay is going to be going towards loans. Without a degree, how much does he think he could earn? </p>
<p>It’s very likely that he’ll give you a “song and dance” how he will make those payments, but if the monthly payments are several hundred a month, he probably will default.</p>
<p>I would calmly remind him that you took on a HUGE risk by co-signing loans so that he could go to this school and that he’s risking your financial security by quitting school now when he won’t be earning a high enough salary to pay back those loans.</p>
<p>I’m guessing that he has both federal loans and private (co-signed) loans? How much will the payments be for all loans? </p>
<p>Does he realize that he’ll have to pay those out of “take home” pay (many college kids are rather oblivious to the idea that fed/state/FICA take a chunk out of salary.)</p>
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<p>Unbelievable. Really?</p>
<p>I think he should be worrying about how <em>he’s</em> damaging your relationship. Especially if he’s sticking you with the loans.</p>
<p>We made it very clear to both of our kids that if they finish school and get their degree, we will pay as much of their student loans as we can. If they don’t finish school, the loans are theirs to pay for. Hopefully this will encourage them to not “take time off”.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>That kind of incentive works when they are federal student loans because those loans are truly the kid’s responsibility. However, this student has co-signed loans that the mom is responsible for. He has no real incentive; he knows if he flakes, she will have to pay them to keep her own credit healthy.</p>
<p>*I think he should be worrying about how <em>he’s</em> damaging your relationship. Especially if he’s sticking you with the loans. *</p>
<p>I agree. But, he may be trying to downplay that very real concern by saying that he’ll pay them. However, if the payments are substantial (like the equivalent of a couple of car payments), it’s very likely that he won’t be able to keep up with them. Few people in his situation can afford to pay living expenses PLUS a couple of car payments.</p>
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<p>^ This seems a bit bizarre to me. So are you suggesting most kids are only motivated to pay for a loan if it affects their credit rating and they are legally bound? As if to suggest most kids would not be incented by moral obligation, or concerned for the impact they would have on their loved ones and their relationship with them? Who raises such kids?</p>
<p>Feelings, shmeelings. Sit him down and tell him that defaulting on these loans (which is essentially what he’ll be doing because, as others pointed out, it’s very unlikely he’ll be able to pay them)) plus defaulting on his commitment to college is unacceptable.</p>
<p>the only thing you have to worry about is that you are going to be responsible for the loans. EVERY OTHER DECISION HE MAKES ONLY AFFECTS HIM</p>
<p>I know you are upset, but it’s HIS choice. It is so hard to watch a slow motion train wreck of our kids lives when they go off course. But until you let them make a bad choice and see the results, they won’t believe you</p>
<p>My son knows that I would NEVER cosign ANYTHING for him. I also have no intention of paying off his student loans (subsidized stafford and perkins, no cosigner).</p>
<p>*We made it very clear to both of our kids that if they finish school and get their degree, we will pay as much of their student loans as we can. If they don’t finish school, the loans are theirs to pay for. Hopefully this will encourage them to not “take time off”.</p>
<p>That kind of incentive works when they are federal student loans because those loans are truly the kid’s responsibility. However, this student has co-signed loans that the mom is responsible for. He has no real incentive; he knows if he flakes, she will have to pay them to keep her own credit healthy.</p>
<p>^ This seems a bit bizarre to me. **So are you suggesting most kids are only motivated to pay for a loan if it affects their credit rating and they are legally bound? **As if to suggest most kids would not be incented by moral obligation, or concerned for the impact they would have on their loved ones and their relationship with them? Who raises such kids? *</p>
<p>I’m saying that this kid is not thinking about his mom at all. He’s thinking about living with his girlfriend (and probably sex, sex, sex). He’s not thinking about the prospect of possibly hurting his mom’s credit. </p>
<p>I can’t get into his head, but maybe if he knew that the loans were solely in his name, he might behave differently (maybe not). </p>
<p>The fact is some kids default on co-signed loans - leaving the payments for parents to pay. The kids may not have had that intent at the beginning, but they often underestimate how much their living expenses will be and can’t afford the payments. Maybe if the loans were truly theirs alone, they’d be forced to make different choices.</p>
<p>If you think that people (not just students) aren’t motivated somewhat by what they’re legally responsible to do, then I think you’re wrong. Why do you think many NCPs stop supporting their kids the moment they turn 18? Because that’s all they legally have to do. Do they care that they have a moral responsibility to help with college? No. Do they care that the custodial parent often gets most of the burden? No. </p>
<p>So, yes, some people often respond differently when they are legally responsible…and they will ignore the moral aspect.</p>
<p>Now…back to topic… :)</p>
<p>the only thing you have to worry about is that you are going to be responsible for the loans. EVERY OTHER DECISION HE MAKES ONLY AFFECTS HIM</p>
<p>True. But, it’s only reasonable for her to be concerned about both issues because the quitting school and the likelihood that he won’t earn much will likely negative affect his ability to pay back those loans…which will affect HER. </p>
<p>If he’s like most students, he has grossly underestimated how much it costs to live.</p>
<p>I am pretty sure from having spent 18 years with my kid, that she cares about me and DW and our well being. I of course cannot generalize that to other kids, and I am sure there are parents who have had kids change completely on things like at some point in their lives (one hears about that with drug addicts, for example). </p>
<p>We all have to judge our own kids, and make our own choices.</p>
<p>Mom2,</p>
<p>We have made the exact same deal with our kids, plus we added a caveat of a certain gpa was expected to be maintained. In other words, carry all D’s for the semester or yr and that is your loan, not mine.</p>
<p>I agree sometime these kids don’t think about the loan cost. Maybe the fact that he has only 2 semesters left, but if he leaves now he will not be marketable while his loans will can shake some reality into his system.</p>
<p>I know this is going to sound really harsh, but I would have a problem with his gf. I would be upset that she is allowing him to move in with her, knowing he has 2 semesters left. Is she really supporting this and why?</p>
<p>Nobody flame me, he is still the fool, but as a Mom, I have to ask how much does she love him, if she places her need to be with him daily over what will be best for him and wait 1 yr? Why is the gf not saying, you will graduate and then move out here? Why is she all for this? </p>
<p>I would if he was my son, sit down with him and go okay…how will you support yourself? How much do you think you will earn with no college degree? Then I would start subtracting, rent, car, student loans, utilities, cell phone, car insurance, health insurance, gas, food, spending, etc.</p>
<p>I would tell him, you are an adult, and if you opt this choice, I will treat you like an adult. All financial help is gone, you are on your own. I would also probably bribe him to stay by saying, you stay and finish, we will give you the deposit for your apt with her, we will financially help as much as we can for x amt of time, BUT only if you graduate.</p>
<p>Sometimes, when they are this age, especially if the folks have been picking up the bill (car, cell, and spending) they have no realistic view of how much the real world costs. Sometimes, saying you want to be adult, fine, I am calling the cell company today and cancelling your contract. I am taking you off of my car insurance today too. I also will remove you from my health insurance the day after you leave. Sometimes, you need to shake them from the dream of living with the girlfriend and playing house to the reality that playing house is expensive.</p>
<p>Without a doubt my children do care about bullet and I, but they are kids, even at 21. They think we don’t get it, when we get it more than they know. My kids know the line in the sand that we drew, doesn’t move. It is there and if they choose to cross it they will live by it. We will respect their decision, just like they must respect ours not to financially support them anymore.</p>
<p>I doubt if the OP is for real. She hasn’t been back, and it’s her first post.</p>
<p>This was only posted yesterday evening. Perhaps OP has a job or some other commitments that do not allow her to be on CC all the time (unlike us HS kids with smartphones ^^).</p>
<p>I think one thing no one has gotten at is the fact that co-signing on loans makes it difficult to take out other loans - so OP may have sacrificed a new house, a new car, or something else while S was in college. Just co-signing to begin with a sacrifice on her part, with the intent he would go to school. Whether he pays them back or not he owes it to his mom to stay in college.</p>
<p>I believe it’s possible to bring all of these issues up with your S without attacking him, his girlfriend, or damaging your relationship. First of all, do not diss the girlfriend. He is “in love” so if you start hating on her, he will not respect what you have to say. Second of all, do not treat him like a kid. </p>
<p>I think the one poster nailed it when he/she said to sit down with him and say, 1. this is a disappointment because I made a sacrifice when I signed those loans (and when I helped pay for your app fees, supported you with HS hw and ECs, etc). Why don’t you just finish your two semesters and get a degree, so you can recongize this sacrifice, better support your girlfriend and have a higher salary for making loan payments? </p>
<p>If that doesn’t work, 2. Well, if you’re still moving out, we need to sit down and discuss whether this will be financially feasible since I am still financially responsible for your loans. Let’s talk about what kind of job you got, what you will be paying in rent (and what you will be paying if gf breaks up with you or if for some reason you lose her financial support, such as if she loses her job, her parents turn on you, etc.), car payments, insurance, whatever. </p>
<p>Maybe no more discussion will be needed…he will see it is better for everyone - you, him, his gf - if he spends the next 2 semesters finishing his degree so that he can support himself, his loans, and his gf better.</p>
<p>What are his grades like? Is it possible that leaving school isn’t really his idea, that he has to leave?</p>