help on uc essay

College Essays
1

<p>is this essay any good. I wrote it today as a rough draft. and i am totally lost
thank you for your help</p>

<pre><code>Life throws out numerous “in” words, too many. Incapability to adjust to this new foreign country. Incompetence to have a adequate income. Inability to purchase a violin.

My family moved to become immigrants to our nation, bringing my sister and me into a foreign country and a foreign school. Due to my inability to speak any English, I became a kid who was called, in school terms, loser, outsider, and loner. In these hostile and lonesome environment, there was one temporary cure that allowed me to enjoy school: Once a week Orchestra lesson. But due to inadequate income of my family, and inability to afford a violin, I was only allowed to observe what they play.
</code></pre>

<p>But from that day on, my mom started to bring these ribbon making packages into our little adobe. She started to making ribbons, so she could buy my violin. For an year, my mom burned herself making 80,000 ribbons that she sold for 5 cents a piece.
Year later, I sat on a chair played violin with all my peers, and someone took my place of standing next to the door observing the orchestra. It was my mom. My mom always cried when she saw my weekly lessons. </p>

<p>From that point on, my violin symbolized a driving force for me to excel in my musical skills. It became a instrument that was filled with my mom’s endless effort and her overflowing love. This drove to my 3 hours of devoted time to practice my violin every day to the point, where my fingers started to bleed. Times that I didn’t want to practice, my mom’s burnt fingers and her soporific eyes that made huge numbers ribbons.</p>

<p>In 3 years, my mom’s hard work and my effort came to a pay off. In my seventh grade year, I was chosen to play in </p>

<p>I continued to improve, and in my freshman year in high school, I got accepted to sixth seat, and received the reputation of a first violinist, who only had five years of experience.
In the end, all the “in” words that bound me to my true potential were defeated. And every time life throws another “in” word in my life, I open my violin, play my mom’s favorite tune, the Amazing Grace, and remind myself the hardship that my mom and I had to go through, and the love and hard work that my mom invested in me. Playing my violin, my “in” words didn’t disappear, but it became miniscule. the fifth seat of the entire orchestra. I became the first musician that never got private lesson, that had less than 500 dollar violin to be accepted in to the first violin. That day, my mom broke into tears. This time it wasn’t the tear of pain that she had to endure looking at me staring at my elementary orchestra, but it was a tear of joy that verified her hard work.</p>

2

<p>i wouldn't take this approach</p>

3

<p>It's an okay start. Where are you thinking of applying to? If you're talking HPY, this is not to par. If it's a state school, then it still needs a lot of work but is a start.</p>

<p>Your word choice is repetitive, and your voice is not strong enough. You need more description--the idea is to "show, not tell." When listing things, try out alliteration. I like the "in" word idea and the ribbon part--probably the most intriguing portions of the essay. Maybe tell about how it feels to play or why the violin instead of, say, a cello. What color are the ribbons, how did you cut your hand, what does the music look like to you, how did your mom's crying sound and affect you.... Appeal to all 5 senses in this; don't make it a straightforward autobiography.</p>

<p>You might want to consider writing the essay about a specific moment, such as your first time playing violin, or a specific time you were teased, or your first concert. Sometimes less plot and more detail is better. Choose the moment that shaped who you are the most throughout your time violin playing and either emphasize it in what you have now, or write the entire essay about that.</p>

<p>Also, a quick grammar thing that's blindingly obvious: spell out numbers. You also have many fragments, like "Times that I didn’t want to practice, my mom’s burnt fingers and her soporific eyes that made huge numbers ribbons." There's no verb there....</p>

<p>Happy editting. Hope that helps you a little.</p>

4

<p>I understand your language barrier. However, you probably should read some other people's essays like on essay edge dot com (killer website ;)) and get a better feel of what admissions is looking for. You have a start, but there needs to be a lot more elaboration. The colleges want to know why you're a qualified candidate, so talk about your strengths and character more than your mom's hard work. The sad truth is, if you don't do it right, an essay on hardship may actually turn off admissions since so many people write about it.</p>