Help organizing my essay

[sophiamarie999]

<p>I've been working on a college essay and although I like my topic, I'm having a little difficulty finishing it up and deciding what exactly I should and shouldn't include. Anyone willing to help me out?</p>

[sophiamarie999]

<p>Anyone? I’d appreciate any kind of second opinion</p>

[mpewangy]

<p>yes, i’d like to read it.</p>

[digmedia]

<p>Organization, to SHOW and not TELL what you want to say: </p>

<p>The best example of showing is a movie, so your essay can take the structure of a movie script (assuming you know what you want to write about). The key to the entire success of an essay is your own powerful memory - an event that really is a huge part of your topic. Once you have that, describe it (almost visually) in a paragraph. That paragraph becomes the first paragraph in your essay, without introductory explanation.</p>

<p>Another key to a successful essay is to SHOW your transition from one person to a better one - character development or a story arc. Think about how you were changed. Think of an event/incident that can SHOW you as a changed person and write a paragraph about that! This will become the LAST paragraph of your essay (actually penultimate paragraph, but I’ll talk about that in a minute).</p>

<p>So now you have your first paragraph and (almost) last paragraph. The “in-between” will SHOW events that document the transition. And since you have a starting point and an ending point, it will really help you write with focus. You only need what carries from from one point to the other.</p>

<p>The following essay is not a real one, but concocted to show the organization I’m suggesting. The first paragraph is a “cold open,” dropping the reader directly into the action. The next-to-last paragraph shows the changed you, the more empathetic you, the “better” you. And the in-between paragraphs are scenes written to SHOW your change - the “story arc” of this little movie/essay of you.</p>

<p>Finally, the “stinger,” the very last paragraph, is broken out from the previous one, to send the reader off with a smile, ensuring that the reader will remember this essay.</p>

<p>

As I entered my first class at the new school, I felt every eye turn to assess the new guy - me. The room seemed to shrink and everyone sitting in the desks seemed to lean toward me. Each stare seemed critical, judging whether I was worthy or not. I tried not to look back, tried to adopt an attitude of nonchalance. But internally, my mind raced. Had I worn the right clothes? Did I have the right hairstyle? And most importantly, was I going to go through my high school years forever categorized as a freak?</p>

<p>A few days later, I noticed the sign to join the Serteens service club. I had been a member at my previous school, but I couldn’t imagine joining here, to be with a bunch of prima donnas like these students. I’d continue friendless before I’d become like them.</p>

<p>It was about a week after that Melvin, one of the guys in my Trig class, came up to me and asked if we could study together. I was hesitant, but I needed the help and he seemed nice enough. It was at his house that he asked me a question that absolutely shocked me. “Why are you so stand-offish?”</p>

<p>“Me?” I was shocked. “I’m not stand-offish. It’s everyone else here who is.” It didn’t take much discussion before it began to sink in that my inability to integrate was because of my own prejudices toward the new school I was in.</p>

<p>When Melvin asked me later to reconsider joining Serteens, I accepted. That was the start of my feeling at ease in this school and with these students.</p>

<p>A year later, as I sat in my first period class, the door opened and a new face came in. That student had that same look I must have had when I had first come, but I smiled as I looked at her as if to say “Welcome!” As she looked around the room fearfully, she caught my smile and seemed to instantly relax. </p>

<p>Maybe, she was thinking, life at this school would be OK after all.

</p>

[CHD2013]

<p>i’ll take a look</p>