I’m not really looking for school suggestions. He’s already applied to the only 5 he probably will (maybe one more) and only one of the 5 is up in the air if he’ll get in. He has 3 acceptances in hand already.
My problem is I have this kid that is incredibly compliant and practical. He’s all “whatever you think is best mom”. Seemingly no opinion at all. That’s great sometimes, but right now, it’s maddening. I DO NOT want to choose his school (even though I was the one that put together the initial list). He’s excited about the one we visited and excited about the other ones as well, so it’s not like he doesn’t care. He just wants me to be the one making the decision I think. I feel it’s important that he be the one to make the final call. Unless something funky comes out of the aid packages we didn’t expect, all are reasonable choices, but I think I’m a little biased towards a couple of them for my own selfish reasons (too far away, cost, I hate driving in the cities…)
To be fair, I would struggle with this decision as well, so I understand where he is having trouble, and we’ve only visited one so far, so maybe I’m stressing over nothing and campus visits will leave an impression on him one way or another, but I’m not holding my breath. I guess my question is to those of you that applied to multiple schools did you have some sort of methodology behind the final choice or was it just a bit of a roll the dice?
Have him rank in order which he would choose. Or have him write out the pros and cons of each and help him make a decision based on that knowledge. This will not only help him choose a college but perhaps help him make big decisions for himself later in life.
My D had a pros/cons list too (although she did have a clear favorite).
Definitely have him visit during admitted student days. That should help sway him in one direction or another.
I wouldn’t want to make the decision either!
I think he’s hung up on the weight factor of the individual pros and cons. He told me yesterday, “I have 3 positives and 3 negatives for each, now what??”
My kids knew the big sports schools, the local schools, the big name recognition schools. Rice was what they ate, Vanderbilt was some millionaire mentioned in history and Duke has a great basketball team was where they were. They had no clue what SUNY was and the various campuses other than the one local to us where we’d used campus facilities. They could not name all of the Ivy League schools other than HPY, though they’d recognize some by name.
So we visited schools, talked about them, and they got some impressions from kids and others at school.
I’m not convinced visits do much. Some schools have the wrong impressions just by happenstance. A bad tour would leave a bad taste in their mouths even if it was a bad tour at a great school. None of them picked what I would have picked for them. I tried to give them an array of reasonable (and some unreasonable ) choices and they each made their final picks.
For them, I think it was important that they made those picks because they felt they owned the decision. Things often don’t go well in life, even at dream colleges and it’s just to easy to push the blame on someone else when feeling coerced into a 4 year environment.
All but one of mine finished in 4 years, except one who went back and got a degree after a 10 year break. It took him 9 semesters altogether.
So if s kid doesn’t care, had no interest , throw some choices with various categories and see what he chooses. Or just choose for him. Some get more into it as the process revs up, sometimes too late. Maybe a gap year is in order. A lot of folks in the know feel a gap year is great regardless. So look for some opportunities there too, and maybe some interests will develop in that time .
This is exactly my reasoning for not being the one to make the final call.
Luckily, we still have lots of time, so maybe he’ll start to lean more towards a certain school on his own eventually. Only one of them is really far away, the rest are within 4 hours drive, so we can go more than once if need be. The far away one though (Huntsville), that’s already an issue just going to visit. It’s a 15 hour drive and I’m a single parent with a 9 year old at home and 3 days vacation left for the year. I’ve been trying to figure out how we can pull off getting down there. He wants to do one of those overnight admitted student days, but they’re a Sunday to Monday night, which will be rough. We might be able to do it with all of us missing a Monday and Tuesday of work/school.
No idea what your financial constraints and what might be on his mind or yours, but I’m intrigued with FSU’s first year abroad program! https://international.fsu.edu/FYA.aspx
If one can manage the first year cost, the next 3 years are all instate tuition for OOSers and I love the agenda for that first year!
My DS was somewhat similar. We discussed where to apply and financial constraints etc. but the initial college list was created by me, and he removed some of them, and was diligent in completing his applications, and few had earlier deadlines for Merit etc.
He grew up a lot in his Senior year, and by the time, acceptances were rolling in, he had a few favorites. The final decision was his, and after going to the Admitted student days.
Things will fall in place in April, if your college list is a good mix of Reach/Match/Likely and affordable.
Agree with above. My son was very laid back about the whole thing. He really didn’t seem to care. I brought my checkbook to the first one to deposit because he seemed to really like it. An hour or two in, he asked to leave. Said he just didn’t see himself there. He finally picked his school, I think the 3rd accepted day we went to.
Funny because I was just talking to his roommate’s mom this weekend and she said she picked for her son! He wouldn’t make a decision so she picked. He loves it there, but I agree I wouldn’t want to make the call!
@cptofthehouse - No apology necessary. It does look like a great program, and I’m hoping he gets into the honors program at one of his choices because it gives out some nice scholarships to use towards semesters abroad for the kids in honors. If not, they have some university led trips over Winter and Spring breaks that are reasonable for credit as well. We have some great schools to choose from already that are in our price range after merit and need-based aid, so we’re happy. Just choosing ONE of them is the problem!
My S20 said something the other day which kind of caught me by surprise. He has whittled his schools down to two. One he had planned on applying to ED (a reach) and the other a safety, EA. All is ready to go, minus one fairly easy essay for the safety. He was not pulling the trigger on the ED school, then told us he doesn’t want to apply there any more. When we pushed back, as besides the selectivity of the school, there is no barrier. We urged him to apply, unless he has learned something about the school he doesn’t like. There is a $50k annual cost differential between the schools. He said that he doesn’t like his #1 THAT much more. In fact, only a little more. And then he said that the he doesn’t want the pressure of spending $75k of his parents money every year. He wants the freedom to go to a college and judge it for what it really is. Maybe transfer if he didn’t like it. But he would feel pressured to love the expensive school because of the cost. And he just wants to go to college, not feel like he’s getting married.
Kinda makes sense. Maybe kids who have trouble choosing are internalizing the real or perceived financial burden on their parents? Don’t want to live with the responsibility of a $x,000 mistake?
@cypresspat - That’s some mature thinking on your son’s part.
The financial aspect freezing my son is a real possiblity. I mean, he’s grown up in a household where even the smallest expenses were analyzed, my boys were the ones manning the calculator in the grocery store trying to figure out the cheapest price per ounce on spaghetti over the years, so to go from that to spending a fortune on a required meal plan? Plus, it’s been a running thing between my kids and I for years about how “someday I’m going to get myself an orange Rav4”. Every time we see one they’ll point it out as “Mom’s Car”. (I drive a 15 year old van with 250K miles on it worth maybe 3K). A few months ago we were waiting for my van at the dealership for an oil change and there was this used orange Rav4 on the lot, so we went and looked at it. The 9 year old is “LET’S GET IT!!” To which I said, no way…waaaay too much money. DS20 said, “It’s less than a year’s college cost”. I caught a vibe of guilt there, so told him I much, much, MUCH preferred to spend my money on his college than a stupid car, but maybe he’s not totally convinced. It’s definitely true though.
@cshell2 With our older two, there was no question in anyone’s mind that they would attend a state school or get a lot of merit $ (latter was hugely unlikely). They happily spent our money without a moment’s pause.
But who knows what my s20 is really thinking. I do believe that the price tag makes him swoon a bit as his job for the past 3 years has been in construction so he is fully aware of how difficult it is to earn that much $. My husband’s side of the family is pathologically indecisive. Choosing a lunch location can be epic. But the college thing has been super straight forward for all 3 of my kids. No hand wringing at all. And maybe it is because MY side of the family is pathologically cheap, so $ ruled the decision?
I empathize with you, though, as I know you want to have the comfort of seeing him go off to somewhere he REALLY wants to go. I guess his being so low key about the choice does not exactly signal huge enthusiasm. I totally get it.
Is his guidance counselor able to provide any help? I think we were probably really lucky, but S19 had a terrific GC and she was able to give him a different perspective on some of the schools on his list, as were some of his teachers. It was also helpful for him to be able to speak to current students/recent graduates, which made things less theoretical for him. In the beginning, he was like your son - everywhere he got accepted looked great - but by the end he had developed a clear preference. His first few weeks at the school have been very happy, and I think the fact this was his own decision is a factor in his feeling so satisfied. Oh, I just thought of one other thing that was very helpful to my son - he joined the Facebook groups for accepted students at all of the schools where he got in, as well as some subgroups for athletes. That really gave him a good sense of who his classmates might be in different places.
@tkoparent - I really don’t know how the GC works in DS’s school. As in I don’t know if they are forced to meet with them periodically or they just go in with questions. It’s a private college prep school, so you’d think they’d be on top of it, but I think because most of the parents are really involved anyhow, they assume the parents are handling it. DS has met with someone in the office at least once though and their suggestion is the reason for one of the schools on his list as we would have never considered it otherwise. I will talk to DS tonight and ask him to take his list in and hash it out with them. That’s a really good idea actually because it takes my bias out of it.