<p>So this seems extremely pathetic to me that this is even going on in my life, but my daughter's father, my ex-husband, has basically insisted that she apply to some schools he would really like her to go to. She is an artist and only want to go to art school. He is a product of a blue chip education and wants her to apply to Yale, Brown, etc. </p>
<p>She has really great numbers in all areas, but really does NOT want to even apply to those schools. His campaign has been relentless and does not stop. I have tried everything to get him to let up, but he does not. Fortunately he has chosen me as the person to pressure on this, so she is mostly spared the really difficult parts of it.</p>
<p>Personally, I don't think it's a bad idea for her to apply to a couple of LA colleges just in case she changes her mind about art school at the last minute. But they should be schools she at least would like to go to! Of course he doesn't approve of the schools SHE likes and spends quite a bit of time denigrating them - to me, not to her - but relentlessly. </p>
<p>This is very exhausting, as I am trying to be the buffer between them so that she doesn't have to take the brunt of it. But it's still making this whole process very difficult for her. </p>
<p>Any suggestions? Anyone else in this position?</p>
<p>That’s a tough spot to be in, and I’m sure you’re not alone in this situation. A middle ground might be something he’d consider. Say, Skidmore or Bennington which have great Arts programs but also would give her a well rounded education which is what it sounds like your ex is looking for. Schools like that aren’t as prestigious as the Ivies, though, so that may be a problem for him.</p>
<p>She could apply to the ones he wants her to, but she could do them in a way that she’s bound to be rejected. One way is to write the colleges afterward telling them she applied only because her father made her</p>
<p>Since her dad is being so controlling now, your D needs to have a back-up plan so she knows she definitely can afford to attend the college of her choice even if her dad doesn’t pay anything. It’s very possible that her dad will back out of paying when it’s time for him to ante up. I’ve seen plenty of CC posts describing this sad situation.</p>
<p>Compromise and apply to Brown-RISD (new program)? Also, I think RISD students can take a certain number of classes at Brown.</p>
<p>My friend’s son is an amazingly talented artist…has won lots of prestigious scholarships, awards…but is almost 30 and cannot support himself with his art, lives at home. Dad just might be very concerned about her being able to have a practical career if art doesn’t work out.</p>
<p>If she has the stats, Yale and Brown actually both have very strong art programs (though at Yale you have to apply for art major after sophomore year, I think).</p>
<p>Other (maybe better) options can be universities with Art schools that offer undergraduate (BFA) degree. WUSTL and Carnegie Mellon are two excellent ones. I actually personally think that there is a great advantage to having a possibility to change majors. A more diverse student body is also a good thing in my mind.</p>
<p>If the father will not financially support a choice he does not approve, it could be a real problem (unless you don’t need his support)…</p>
<p>Thanks dke. To give you an idea of how bad this is, there are some very good schools, including one of the ones you mentioned, that she REALLY likes and he puts down. He says that he will be fine if she goes to one of them, but that he wants her to check out Yale, etc. also. To ME he goes on and on about why she shouldn’t go to one of those places and it’s so exhausting and so sad.</p>
<p>Sounds like your daughter wants to go to an art school. Hmmm… I have an artsy type at home, too. How about applying to the joint Brown/Rhode Island School of Design program? She will need to fill out two applications, both Brown and RISD, and submit a Brown supplement form for the joint degree. It is a tough program to get into, and you have to be admitted to both Brown and RISD independedntly to be considered for this program. This would satisfy both sides, hopefully.</p>
<p>I sense that there is a lot of teenage stubborness and rebellion is going on, and that is the main reason your D is not going to apply to yor ex’s choices. Have you visited any art departments at universities or LACs? Your daughter might find out that art schools are not the only ones where one can get a great art education; LACs and universities offer great art programs, too.</p>
<p>^^Cross-post! Great minds think alike :)</p>
<p>Is your ex planning to give his D any $$$ for college? Are there any strings attached to them?</p>
<p>I know that it must be difficult in a case like this to set personalities aside. Nevertheless, it’s very likely the case that a 17-year-old is making college choices based upon limited personal experience and knowledge. At this age, passions do, and should, evolve and change as new experiences are gained. If she’s competitive for the top tier of colleges, it would be wise to apply to a few and be prepared to attend a future freshman weekend in April, if accepted, to know exactly what it is that she may be turning down. My eldest is a talented soprano / actress who was looking at BFA / B.Mus. programs and really had to be nudged to visit Harvard, Yale and Brown. She got in at H, went to Prefrosh Weekend and found that she was among a more inspiring and invigorating group of peers than she could have ever envisioned. She’s a sophomore there now, still pursuing vocal studies with a conservatory professor on the side, and can’t imagine that she ever wanted anything different.</p>
<p>Thank you all. It helps to get some perspective. I can see his point, that she should keep her options open, including some of the top level schools that she has a reasonable chance of getting into. I think it may be that I’m so caught in the middle of their fight, and that’s what’s getting me down. I guess I should let them hash it out. Overprotective mom and all that.</p>
<p>But what also gets me is his attitude that the IVIEs are the only schools worth going to, and that really is what he believes and I find it kind of revolting, really.</p>
<p>I don’t know how the money is going to work. It is possible that he will refuse to contribute if she doesn’t at least look at the schools he wants her to go to.</p>
<p>He is making a HUGE assumption that his D will get into an IVY, something NOONE should assume- even with a truely motivated GodLIke student</p>
<p>When he talks about colleges, doies he understand the idea of being REJECTED and if the D is rejected even if she puts her whole heart into it, how will he react- put her down? refuse to help with whatever school she DOES get into?</p>
<p>D may be amazing, have everything Yale wants, but still not get in because of the numbers game</p>
<p>I say humor, but thing about what he will do if she doesn’t get into his fantasy school</p>
<p>My D is also into fashion and design, but knows for her, its best she do a “regular” college, while interning</p>
<p>I can well relate to your frustrations as we have a similar situation, although in an opposite way. Over the last year D’s father has tried to convince our D that she should go to university in his city and commute from his home. D has no interest, and can do far better with the stats she has, applying to top tiers. He has indicated just in the last 2 days that he will not be contributing to D’s college costs. Now we are in the position that I may not be able to cover the expenses on my own, and am scrambling to find solutions.
I think the advice made above in your case is good, especially the Brown/RSID idea. I would suggest applying to those schools he insists upon, if she is denied then at least the issue will be put at rest.(ofcourse she could also put “less care” into those applications, ..know of someone actually who purposely sabotaged an app to a school his parents forced uopn him). If she’s accepted, she can make the effort to check them out. But the final choice should be hers alone regardless of the pressure. Surely he needs to realize that he would cause nothing but resentment and unhappiness if he forces the issue with a lack of respect for her own choices.</p>
<p>Does he get to post his side of this story? </p>
<p>No offense intended but isn’t this just a way ex’s can pick at each other?</p>
<p>Simply put if he’s paying, he’s entitled to imput and it should be considered. If he’s not, he should have as much influence as the people on this website.</p>
<p>Heron, tell your ex that a student needs a balanced mix of matches, reaches and safeties to apply to. Ivies are a crapshoot! If he does not agree, show him some convincing articles about how unpredictable Ivy admissions are even for the best of the best. If he has some brains, he will understand that applying to Ivies only might leave his kid without any college choices come April! Then nudge your D gently to make her college list from her choices and some of dad’s picks. This needs to be done ASAP if she is applying this year!</p>
<p>She might think that the Ivies are “stuck-up” schools filled with rich spoiled brats (I know someone who had this attitude until she visited ). Brown is a very artsy and “hip” school!</p>
<p>I want to echo what some other posters have said: Does Dad know how hard it is to be accepted to Brown and Yale? When you look at the stats, you see that the average GPA of the accepted Yale student is … whatever, and the average SAT scores are … whatever, and you think, oh, great, my kid has those stats. But what they don’t tell you is, those are the stats of the rejected students too, more or less.</p>
<p>It’s not the same as it was when Dad was applying. The sad truth is, it’s likely D would be rejected at Yale and Brown; most applicants are stellar, and most applicants are rejected. </p>
<p>I’d say, don’t fight this battle now. Have D humor her father and apply to a couple of the schools that he likes. It’s not that much extra work. She doesn’t have to visit if she doesn’t want to. Let him pay the application fees.</p>
<p>Then, if she is not accepted, problem solved. If she is accepted, then she can visit and listen to parental lobbying.</p>
<p>Butt out. Let this be a fight between dad and daughter. It’s not an argument caused by your divorce. The same battle would probably be going on even if you were still married.</p>
<p>If dad can refuse to pay for college, SHE should know that and SHE should be prepared for the consequences. On the flip side, I suspect–without knowing the dynamics of your family–that SHE has a FAR better chance of getting her dad to agree to pay for art school than you do. He may feel that the degree is impractical or that she is not as talented as she thinks she is. SHE is the only one who can meet his objections and/or be persuaded by his reasoning. </p>
<p>I disagree with the advice that she apply and sabotage her own applications. She should apply and see if she gets in. The Brown/RISD program may be a perfect solution, and IMO, she should apply. The odds are high that she will be rejected. Maybe dad will tour RISD with her though, and the experience may convince him that art school is a more viable option than he had thought. As she tours Brown with him, she may think that, given Brown’s open curriculum, she can pretty much do what she wants and make dad happy too if she gets in. </p>
<p>Yale’s studio art major is also excellent.</p>
<p>Getting a more rounded education may be a wise move, even if she does major in art.</p>
<p>Another vote for Brown/RISD here. And another vote for OP getting out of the middle of this. In the end it’s Dad’s money and Daughter’s life. Let them work it out.</p>
<p>Your reaction to his spiel: “Yes. Uh-huh. I see. Interesting point.” Then once he’s done, flush it all. If you don’t rise to the bait, he may stop baiting. Don’t forget that he knows how to push your buttons, too.</p>
). Brown is a very artsy and “hip” school!</p>