High Stress Student

Parents Forum
1

Hi, posting in the Parents forum because it seems active! This is my first post, but I’m a rising senior looking at competitive colleges (Duke, Ivys etc). While I have been academically competitive through high school and had my fair share of fun, I am a very high stress student. This comes from myself, not my parents, but I get extremely worried etc about school and have faced anxiety related insomnia issues. This hasn’t been a huge issue, but I worry about a competitive high stress college experience (I go to a good, but public school with lower stress). I don’t have extreme issues at all, but I do not want my academics or college fun experience to suffer because of competition and stress.

It seems that small liberal arts style schools are best for fostering a community rather than a competitive environment, but when I have visited them I always get nervous about the tiny size. I worry that a small school would feel like high school, and that I would quickly grow tired of seeing the same old people again and again. On the other hand, I loved UPenn, Duke, Harvard etc and other traditionally “competitive” schools when I visited, but worry that the stress/anxiety would prove too much. Visits-wise, I have been attracted to mid-large schools, especially urban ones, but those often seems to come with a competitive “price tag.” On the other hand, small schools like Pomona with its laid back west-coast feel and Williams with its preppy but intellectual feel seem, in theory, like a better fit, but feel prohibitively small when I visit.

Thank you in advance for any guidance or experience!

2

Have you looked at any bigger universities that aren’t quite as competitive? For example, you might like the size of your own home-state public U, but be able to get a bit more personal attention and have the intellectual atmosphere you are looking for if you are in an honors program there.

3

I visited my state school and really really did not like it! It came down to location, not-so-great programs, and just that feeling that tells you it would never work. I did however really like a few other state schools, like UVA, and those will definitely be on my list. However, to be perfectly honest, I am looking for a school with the prestige factor that my state school does not provide, and both top LACs and research universities better suit that need.

4

Have you had the money talk with your parents? Can you afford an out of state public (often in the $50,000/year range) or private LACs?

Please note that just because a school is a big public doesn’t mean that it won’t be competitive. In every university there are more and less competitive/stressful departments. Engineering, many sciences (where pre-meds compete for grades) and architecture (huge demands) are among fields where you will find competitive students everywhere.

Conversely, even in the Ivies, there are “mick” departments known for being less demanding.

5

Thank you for your response! I have had the money talk, and my parents have approved all the schools I am looking at from a financial standpoint, and I have some financial safeties on my list in case anything changes. A big draw to a prestigious school for me, is that for most almost all the departments are pretty strong, and as an undecided I need a school that offers a broad variety of strong departments.

I am not looking for an easy or less demanding department, but rather a collaborative environment, or at the least one that isn’t cutthroat. I am most definitely ready to work hard in college, but I would like a school where I am working with, not against others. Basically, I am trying to balance my love for cities, adventure, and fast paced life with a need for a bit of a safety net and support

6

What about Rice University in Houston?

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Hoggirl took the words right out of my mouth. Rice University sounds like exactly what you’re looking for. It definitely has the prestige you want. It has just under 4,000 undergrads and another couple thousand grad students. It’s a very collaborative environment. It’s located in a big city but the campus is contained in the “Rice bubble”. And the residential college system fits the bill for fostering a community.

8

Maybe Brown?

Or maybe any college whose graduates may earn “less” money as compared to its comparable college (in terms of the caliber of the students they admit.) This could mean a larger percentage of their students are less pre-professional while they are still college students, and maybe more graduates from such a college may want to work for a non-profit organization.

In general, more prestigious the college is in terms of their “ranking” (say, by US News and Report), more of their students could be more preprofessional. (e.g., one such a college sent about 40% of their graduates to finance and consulting companies. It is quite likely that many of them there would fight fiercely for those lucrative intern opportunities not long after they set their foot on campus.)

Not sure whether this is just a myth: It is rumored that UPenn could be a little bit more preprofessional. (Some may think so just because UPenn had had its professional schools before they had their UG college. But this could mean that, several decades ago, that college might not recruit so many kids from the rich and powerful families; that is, in those years, they might accept more of those who might not be able to get into other ivies just because they were not born into a “right” family.)

9

OP, you sound like a mature teenager with a lot of self-insight. You’ll get lots of advice here. I’ve worked with undergrads at Rice and found them to be wonderful: smart, accomplished, looking for something “different” in their education. Look into Brown or Reed; Colorado College also has a block program that tends to create a lot of comaraderie.

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Thank you all! Brown has definitely been high on my list for a while, and I’ll look further into Rice for sure. My goal is to stay East coast (where I live) or west coast (near close family), and Rice is definitely a departure from this, but I may just have to make an exception from the sounds of it!

11

MCAT is referring to Harvard, I believe, where at one point 40%of grads were going into finance or consulting. But Harvard itself is hardly preprofessional: there is no undergrad business at all, for instance. Few of the “prestigious” universities or LAC’s will tout preprofessional studies, though there are exceptions such as Wharton.

I don’t think schools like Harvard are cutthroat, at least not in my experience, and the house system provides a lot of support. I would be careful about making judgments based on stereotypes.

Is community important to you? Maybe you should spend some time on an LAC Campus to make sure that is not what you want. Larger universities are often broken up into smaller segments and can provide community as well.

I think your anxiety issue has sort of painted you in a corner. You want a “prestigious” school, but don’t want the stress. Selective schools DO often have a harder workload, and peers are academically talented. Is that what you mean by “competitive”? You have to decide what you want.

I would examine why you want prestige, first of all. Your honesty is refreshing, but this need may not be healthy for you. Check out Loren Pope’s books “Colleges that Change Lives” (also a website) and also his “Looking Beyond the Ivy League.” There are many schools, small and large, where you could enjoy learning and exploring interests without the kind of self-generated pressure you seem to be under.

Second, I would seek some help for the anxiety. Many college students at schools like Harvard suffer from anxiety, believe me. In fact, if you get a diagnosis, you can work through the office of disabilities and get support and accommodations. I know you say this isn’t a big deal but it is costing you sleep and affecting your college choices, and your anxiety is bad enough that you poster here.

Obviously there are medications for anxiety and insomnia, but it is much better to find some exercise or other modality to help, such as yoga or Reiki or Tai Chi etc.

I personally think your desire for prestige and your anxiety are related. I think it would be good for you to talk to someone about the real purpose of school (learning, training) and for you to find a more intrinsic motivator versus the external ones of grades and admission to a top school. You are young and you can work on this now and it will help you throughout your college years. It is significant that you do not yet have an academic interest to focus on. Try to think about what you really want to accomplish in college.

Once you are on campus and actually attending, the name of the school does not matter. You are all in it together.

12

Yes, what @compmom just posted. Whatever school you choose to attend, you will be the person in control of how much pressure you feel, so you will need to develop a way to keep that feeling in check. (if it is worrisome) Exercise or other EC activities that you enjoy are good ways to counteract that feeling and have some fun while you are learning. It’s not the school but the student at the school. You can go to a seemingly less intense LAC but still feel stressed or you can go to an Ivy and find ways to manage any perceived pressure. Consider what you can do now before you go to any school to learn how to manage these feelings.

13

If you are in Virginia you might consider William & Mary also. UVA is a great school and VT grads love it, those are two nice choices, but if you do want something smaller but still prestigious, William & Mary is worth a look. I also think, if you continue to consider OOS options, that Davidson, in NC, a school I fell in love with (my son didn’t) is truly one of the schools that change lives places. Good luck. There is already some great advice to you on this thread so no need for me to just repeat it. They have said it perfectly already.

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By the way, just for clarification, in case the OP wants to know why I liked Davidson so much it was because academics are priority #1 at Davidson but that school doesn’t seem to have that cut throat competitive pressure that schools with a similar profile did. Davidson goes out of their way to make college affordable. It is small but not tiny, and it is beautiful. The more I looked at, when my oldest son was younger, the more I liked it. I wanted to go back to school to go to Davidson! But, it doesn’t work like that.

Another NC school that I really liked and still do is Wake Forest. Again, not too big, not too small, great focus on academics and school spirit.

15

I’d also suggest Rice. My nephew thought he wanted an East Coast school too, but ended up having a fabulous experience at Rice. He loved the residential college system and enjoyed getting to know a different part of the country. He’s at grad school at MIT now working on a PhD. Both my kids liked either larger LACs or medium sized research colleges. My younger son wanted some place bigger than his high school, but was willing to leave Vassar on his list even though it didn’t quite qualify. IMO this was a silly rule. At his high school there was a relatively small group taking AP classes that he saw regularly. At an LAC you’ve all already been sorted academically, so you have a much, much larger set of intellectual peers.

For medium size schools check out Tufts and Brandeis if you haven’t already.

I’m not convinced any top 20 college or university is a low stress place.

16

I’m getting a general consensus here that I should work on fixing the stress issue rather than looking for a school to fix it for me. This is a different perspective than how I originally saw things, but I think it is true and valuable, especially since I am in a “non stressful” environment currently, and still get stressed, and the chances of any college I go to being less competitive and intense than my public HS is low.

I find the idea of pre professionalism vs more academia focused students really interesting… maybe I should look into schools that are less pre professional as well.

@compmom I am speaking from experience with a sibling at harvard, but I think you are right that it isn’t so much cutthroat as it is full of driven students who are personally motivated. I think the competition I see in my sibling’s experience is more a factor of people being very focused on themselves and independent rather than looking outwards to the community

17

There are plenty of top 20 universities which are low stress- it depends on who your friends are and what you are majoring in and what your end-goals are and what your learning style is.

I majored in Classics. The most collaborative/helpful group of students/colleagues I’ve ever had. Professors were generous with their time and expertise- students would go the extra mile for you if they could help- grad students were phenomenal - even the departmental secretary was unbelievable. My sophomore roommate was majoring in bio and was pre-med- I doubt she’d describe the university in the same way. And the other folks on our hall that year were all engineers (and a couple of varsity athletes AND engineering students) and their experience was entirely different from pre-med or Classics.

I think the goal is to find a place where you can thrive, OP. And if that means making some conscious changes IN YOU- before worrying about which schools are too competitive- than you’ve got a lot more insight than most kids your age.

18

See, you are one smart kid, smart in the best way. Perfect, even eloquent: “I should work on fixing the stress issue rather than looking for a school to fix it for me.” What a great statement.

My daughter had a different experience than your brother. But she in some ways led the way, by dealing with competitive students with compassion!!! Seriously, there were study groups, and so much cross pollination, between, say, a music person and a drama production etc. Her friends were artsy and pretty chill-sometimes too much:) But anxiety is everywhere: at community college, and at Harvard. There are services to help everywhere too.

I second Davidson by the way. It is prestigious in its own way, really excellent and unbelievably supportive. Hard work though!

You seem like a very insightful person with character. I hope you can thrive wherever you go.

19

blossom is right that there are also low stress majors - I was in one at Havard. (Visual and Environmental Studies, loved every second of it.) Then I spent three years in architecture school and have never worked so hard in my life.

I do think you’ll be fine. You might want to look into yoga or meditation. My husband has been meditating since he was in high school and I think it really helps him.

20

I agree. There are low stress career paths too after graduation.

@compmom, To clarify, I did not refer to Harvard (DS did not go there.) My point is that, for quite a many prestigious colleges, it is the students in it (especially in a certain career path) that could make it stressful - if a student is not very good at being immune from such a pressure from peer-to-peer comparisons. That is, the students could have the mind set of being preprofessional. It is not the major that makes them preprofessional.

I think DS once said he preferred not to hang out with peers who are on the same track as his after class or lab. It could help if a student seeks a group of students who are more laid back (Humanity majors tend to have more of this kind of students.)

DS once said that even in some TA-led session, it could be quite stressful too. (This is an upper-division class.) It is as if all students compete on: Who have prepared more completely before this TA session. In either this TA-led discussion session or the lecture class, if a student is not relatively well-prepared before class and raise many “beginner’s questions”, either the professor/TA or even the peer students would think such a student wastes everybody’s valuable time and he or she may get shot down very quickly. This is what I would refer to as “stressful environment” that is jointly created by a high concentration of highly self-driven students (and highly self-driven TA or professor too.) BTW, it could get worse after UG college because there could be an even higher concentration of self-driven students.

Solution? Do not take too many these kinds of classes. Or, do not choose that kind of “track” from day one. Having a hobby and joining some ECs that have nothing to do with your field of study or career path could help too.