My mother’s family always hosted a special dinner on Christmas Eve. We were all dressed in our Christmas best. One year (probably in the late '60s) my other wore a paper dress from Hallmark. It had an ivy print and long bell sleeves. If you look at the pictures, she looked just as chic as the other adults who were more traditionally dressed.
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I really related to your sentiments about missing family holidays past. Same with me. When my parents and super fun aunts and uncles were alive it was so festive and fun. I try my best to make it fun for my kids, even going so far to host an Xmas Eve party with friends which helped. But people lives change, and that didn’t happen last year. We both have small families and I’m estranged from one sibling, therefore don’t see her kids either.
I could easily do without Christmas and would like to just travel during that time.
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I am learning a lot from this thread! So many more super-casual holiday dressers than I would have expected. There is no dress code or discussion of dress code at our holidays on either side of the family—we just all grew up expecting that we’d wear special clothes to these special gatherings, so no one is “told” what to wear, I guess it’s just osmosis! Of course, dressing up for Thanksgiving/Christmas is not black tie with our family 
, and can still entail being physically comfortable. I adore my families on both my side and my husband’s, and there are lots of relatives and it’s very hard for me to picture more fun holidays than we have. A lot of outrageous laughing happens. So I would definitely not equate dressing up as being stuffy.
That said, I imagine if my family tradition was different, I’d be happy with that! So I understand why we are all largely happy with how we do it, assuming we are happy with our families. But I think it makes sense when merging two families with different styles, it’s more complicated. And to me the “you do you” saying sounds right and gracious and accomodating, but in practice, I think it’s hard not to be affected by how others are around you. If you plan a special 25th anniversary dinner at the nicest restaurant in the city and then go to the theater, and are expecting an elegant evening, and everyone at that fancy restaurant and the theater is wearing crappy sweatshirts, how can that not affect your elegant evening? Setting definitely has an impact. And similarly, if you want to wear ripped jeans and an old sweatshirt to a party, but everyone else shows up wearing gorgeous dresses and shoes, can you really feel completely comfortable and think “you do you”, I’m happy here in my old sweatshirt? Maybe. But for me, there is definitely a comfort in not feeling out of place.
I definitely love a bbq or beach day or a casual “come as you are” after work or weekend simple meal; I don’t like to be dressed up too often. But I’ll stick to dressing up on holidays! And appreciate that it seems like the vast majority of Americans probably don’t prefer it that way!!
PS Now I’m worried about my future son and daughter-in-law (who aren’t even in the picture yet ). I’ll be so bummed if they grew up not getting dressed for the holidays and that somehow either ends up changing how we do holidays, or making him/her unhappy about how we do it!! I have such a looooong list of things I’m looking for in the perfect future in-law kids, now I have more to add to the list!! 
. (I hope it’s clear I’m (largely) joking).
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I hear ya! I bet your kids enjoy what you have created for them though. I do try to embrace it all but I’ll admit I’m also looking up beach vacations!
Doesn’t the host set the tone? Most times I go to a party or meal, I try to figure out what the host wants. Usually it is more casual now than it was when I was a kid (when we always wanted to wear our new Christmas/Easter clothes.
If your MIL is hosting and in agreement, try ‘spreading the word’ that this year will be ‘blue sweater year’ and there will be a prize for the most interesting, or for the most Thanksgiven-y sweater. For many years my sister had a Liz Claibourne sweater with a turkey on it (it was very nice). I have a turkey pin that makes an annual appearance.
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Actually I worry if my kids marry into a family that takes Christmas too seriously, they can make their life stressful around Christmas. The opposite problem.
Oops, I don’t know why I reply to @Colorado_mom, so sorry.
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This reminds me of discussions about what is appropriate dress for church. Many people (including pastors, priests) say God would rather have you in the pews in rags than not attend, but others think you should be dressed ‘appropriately’ or not go.
It’s always a big issue in vacation towns. My parents lived in Hyannisport for a few years and the talk was always that “those Kennedy girls would come to mass right off the beach! wearing beach cover ups.” No, the ‘Kennedy girls’ were Pat, Eunice, and Jean who were in their 70’s! My mother would never go to church dressed that way. Never even shorts.
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I think we’re all better off to just wear what we feel good in and not worry about what other people think and not try to get other people to do what we do.
It’s hard for me to relate to the ‘elegant evening’ example that EmptyNestSoon2 gave because that whole situation would make me terribly uncomfortable. I would never in a million years plan that for myself, nor would my husband. That is my idea of no fun at all. But when I have been to a nicer restaurant or the theater I absolutely do not give a flip about what other people are wearing and honestly I never got the feeling that they cared what I was wearing.
I can relate better to the second example of being underdressed for an occasion. My comfort level there is related to whether I think other people are judging me based on what I’m wearing, though, which is really not a nice thing to do.
I guess if I think about a wedding or a funeral (the only two times I get dressed up) I honestly would not care what the other attendees are wearing, like at all. I hope they wouldn’t care what I wore either. I don’t go in for evening galas so no basis for comparison there.
I am trying to think of a situation where I might care. I guess if I went to a Halloween party and everyone was supposed to come in costume, but some people just came in jeans and t-shirts with a post-it pinned to their shirt that said what their costume was I might think that was kind of slack, but I wouldn’t really care. I’d just be happy to see everybody else’s fun costumes.
There is a judginess about getting dressed up. Not saying any of y’all in particular have that attitude, but there’s definitely a “can you believe she’s wearing that?!” catty attitude that is still out there in society and definitely used to be even more pervasive. I have no use for that at all. And I think that attitude makes some people uncomfortable with the idea of getting dressed up. And some people just really don’t feel like themselves if they are wearing something they don’t usually wear.
And it works both ways. My dad was a pretty natty dresser and I don’t think I ever saw him in a t-shirt in his life. And maybe he wore jeans once? Usually he was in a suit, but when he was on his leisure time he always had a collared shirt on and some kind of slacks like khakis or Dockers or nicer pants, often in navy blue. I think he would have been very uncomfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. It’s just not who he was. I was looking at some unposed childhood photos of him recently and even as a kid he was looking sharp.
I have a friend, M, who loves to get dressed up to go out to eat at a nice restaurant, but her husband is not that kinda guy. She just does her thing and puts on her bling and lets him do his thing. Her grown daughter, A, loves to dress up also. But there is no getting dad to put on any conventional finery. For their wedding he (Italian American white guy) wore a dashiki and I believe was barefoot.
For our wedding my husband wore $5 thrift store shoes he still trots out when he has to wear wingtips. He’s usually a running shoe kinda guy and works in tech so that works 98 times out of 100. For the other 1% of the time he has some Rockports in a brown suede.
I do dress upon special occasion like Christmas parties, when I did go, I really put in the effort to go all out, I enjoy the process too, but lately since I retired, there are none.
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Next week I will again be wearing my 1990s Thanksgiving vest (except when cooking)… black silk on back, holiday print on front. Perhaps the family finds it cringe-worth, but at most we will have only one of the two kids. It’s my tradition. I’ll wear it to church this Sunday too.
Gosh, I’m anything-goes for church attenders. Years ago I heard an older member lament the that a young adult musician wore jeans ( in the praise band at our contemporary service, back when we had 2 services. Geez - they were neat and clean jeans, paired with an ironed oxford shirt. My thought was something like, “fine by me… my teens are home sleeping”.
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Our family is nice casual for Thanksgiving. We typically have family plus invite friends and acquaintances who don’t have plans for the day. We use tablecloths and nicer dishes, but not crystal and china. It’s definitely a step up from our normal day-to-day dress and table setting, but it’s middle of the road enough that guests wouldn’t feel out of place no matter what they chose to wear.
Christmas Eve is extended family, and it’s dressy. It’s candlelight dining with our best china. We don’t wear things we would wear to work. It’s cocktail party attire with a holiday touch.
Christmas is just our immediate family, and it is pajamas for brunch and dinner plus we use holiday paper plates.
Every one of these dinners “includes lots of hugs, laughter, story telling, teasing, humor, gratitude for being together and having fun.” Being dressed up doesn’t have to equate to being stuffy. Whatever I’m wearing, I still worry about having enough food, and how the potatoes and gravy will turn out. I don’t worry about ruining good clothes, though. I buy clothes to wear, and if I spill gravy on them it’s okay.
I think a lot of the decision is simply family tradition. I raised boys, and they did their share of complaining about dressing up on Christmas Eves through the years. During COVID our extended family settled for a Zoom gathering on Christmas Eve. We were all in our athletic-leisure clothing, and one of my brothers suggested we make the casual dress a new tradition for future Christmas Eve dinners. It was the younger generation that passionately shot him down. I was a little surprised, but like most of us, they value traditions.
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Actually a few years ago, I read when Prince William first spent Christmas with Kate Middleton family, her parents were in PJs or some very casual wear but I can’t find the link anymore. I remember reading, Kate’s father asked Prince William if he’s ok, and I think Prince William maybe was shocked, but he waved it.
On the being judgey about what people are wearing -
My personal experience has been that if I, “dress up,” around dh’s family - and I do not mean I am wearing a green taffeta formal and a tiara (just something that is dressiER than jeans) then someone will invariably say - “You’re so dressed up!” Or even, WHY are you so dressed up? Both feel judgey to me, but maybe that is my own issue. On the other hand, the words, “You’re so dressed like a bum,” never come out of my mouth. No doubt that I am thinking it, but I don’t say it.
So, if I wear what I want, I guess if that happens, I will just say - “This is how I am most comfortable.”
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Yeah I would say something like that or, “Yes, I love to dress up for the holidays. It’s fun for me!”
But “you’re so dressed up” is just a statement of fact, right? You are. Another option is to just reframe it in your mind as a compliment and say, “Thank you!”
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I like that suggestion. Using the word “comfortable” (which has multiple meanings) could be confusing.
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To flip it around if someone dressed fancier than I said to me, “Well, that looks comfortable,” I would guess that they were probably judging me for not being as dressed up as them, but I would hope I would just respond with something like, “Yes it is. I’m all about comfort! Your outfit looks gorgeous!”
People ask me why I’m so dressed up when I wear my jewelry to play mahjong even, I told them the jewelry being sitting in a box for years and they look expensive but I got them free, so why not. I normally don’t wear jewelry, no make up even, I do comb my hair unlike Boris Johnson, I like being a bum, lol.
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My parents were diplomats and dressed up for many, many parties including a couple at the White House. As a kid I always loved seeing them looking all shiny and sparkly. I’ve inherited all my mother’s jewelry and even the two gowns she wore to the White House and it makes me sad that hardly anyone dresses up any more. (Well at least in my circle which is starving artists and academics for the most part.)
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I think it’s a trend, I used to dress up for interviews, now they don’t, blame it on Zuckerberg.
Perhaps you are mostly venting in this thread and maybe using stronger language than what you actually feel about your family members (?), but “dressed like a bum” feels like a pretty strong statement. I think of a bum as a stinky old guy on the corner drinking something out of a paper bag! Not the same as someone who has showered and is wearing jeans, sweatshirt and tennis shoes.
It can be stressful to go to holiday gatherings with people outside a close immediate family or friend group, if you have to wonder about whether people are thinking that you are “dressed like a bum” or judging you for putting on weight or something else about your appearance.
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