Holiday family gatherings - what does your family wear?

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
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I felt absolutely awful about what I wore to my father’s funeral. I had just visited him in the hospital, then flew home only to be called a couple of days later to come back. I left my family with two young kids behind as I didn’t know what to expect. I was upset and in a rush and was thinking I could buy something suitable to wear to his funeral after he passed.

He died the morning after I arrived. We met with the funeral home that afternoon and my mother scheduled the funeral in the morning two days later! My sisters and I had literally one day to make the funeral arrangements! So between making travel reservations for my family, trying to plan a nice funeral for my dad - selecting music, writing a eulogy, preparing a photo presentation, trying to find something suitable for my girls to wear (I ran in and out of the store in about 15 minutes), I had no time to shop for myself. I ended up wearing a black turtleneck and a pair of baggy black pants my mom lent me.

This was in my hometown. My dad was very well liked and had lots of friends. Also people that I grew up with but hadn’t seen in many years also attended. I was just mortified. My only saving grace was that I had two very cute little Chinese daughters that probably drew more attention than my shabby clothes.

Usually I am a very casual dresser. I haven’t worn a dress in years. But I was so upset that I couldn’t do better for my father and made such a horrible impression to all the people that attended.

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I would hope the funeral attendees weren’t judging you! I would think they would realize how hectic everything is when planning a funeral.

My sister didn’t wear what she had planned for my dad’s funeral either. She also was coming from out of town and thought she had packed a dress, but she forgot it so she wore slacks and boots and a nice top. I thought it looked fine.

We had to do the rushed shop for my father-in-law’s funeral, but that was before we had kids.

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I also hope that no one was judging you at such a painful time. When our son died I was just discharged from the hospital and a medical and emotional mess. I think I wore a maternity jumper to the funeral but honestly I don’t even remember. I was in such shock that I just remember sobbing through the whole thing. I pray no one judged me by what I was wearing and pretty sure everyone just felt awful for us.

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But what is someone to say when someone says, “you’re so dressed up”?

I think it’s rude. It’s meant as a slam, or to try to make the person feel uncomfortable.

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This is a bit off topic, but last year, the Phoenix Art Museum had a two room special exhibit of paper clothing that was absolutely fabulous! I’m sure you can find pics online from it.

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See below.

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There’s a scene in a made for TV movie called William &Kate that depicts this.

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Why is that rude? Seems like a factual statement to me unless you’re not dressed up.

You could say “thank you” or “thanks, I love to dress up for the holidays” or “you look nice too” or “Oh, StateU? How’s the team this year?” or “I love an excuse to have fun and put on something nice.”

I don’t dress up often but when I do if someone says something like “you’re so dressed up” or “you clean up nice” I just take it as a compliment.

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One could say, “You’re so overweight,” and that could be a factual statement, but it would still be rude and likely make the hearer feel uncomfortable.

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The difference I guess is that being overweight has negative connotations. Comments about being dressed up might just be making conversation (and possibly an awkward attempt at a compliment), unless the person takes it as an affront.

Some people (not me) associate Thanksgiving with football. Many families even play a game of it outside. It’s not surprising for me to hear about casual dress codes. For Christmas Eve (church) I do like it if the kids dress up… but truly no big deal if they don’t - their company is a rare and treasured treat.

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Black turtle neck and pants sound like making an effort to me.

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First, it’s only a fact to the person making the statement.

Second, It’s rude because it’s meant for the receiver to feel different, to feel awkward, to feel anything but good. It’s not a compliment. It’s meant to put the receiver on their defenses.

If I was the one receiving it, I would keep throwing questions back at the “giver of fact”, until they feel just as uncomfortable as they made me try to feel and think twice before making such ridiculous “statements of fact”. It’s something said that is trying to be a back handed compliment, but isn’t quite that even. A better thing to say is “you’re so dressed up, you look so pretty”., but even that has a “dig” quality to it.

Responses could be (said as sweet as the “fact”)
“Really? Why do you think that”
“Why, Don’t you think you’re dressed up”
“Is there a reason I shouldn’t dress up”
“What do you think I should have worn”
Or the best one would be (which I hate this saying, but in this instance is apropo): “Well, you do you”.

I would never make an “excuse” for my decision to look and feel the way I want. As I get older, I don’t put up much with stuff anymore.

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I am sure your family LOVES your vest!! Never give it up!!

My grandmother used to wear the most adorable floor-length red velvet dress trimmed with white fur to Christmas Eve, her “Mrs. Claus” outfit, and I think we would have staged a very major protest if she had ever decided not to wear it!

Years ago I did buy enough silly plush Thanksgiving head-things for all 30+ of us to wear at some point during the day (silly elaborate turkey heads, drumstick headbands, giant candy corn hats, giant plush pumpkin pie hats, etc). I was initially concerned about the waste, but I have to say they are now a beloved part of our holiday tradition and come out every year and I imagine they will for another 50 years, so well-worth it in my book. They all pair nicely with pretty dresses and heeled boots, khakis, ties, and nice sweaters :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:.

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You are making big assumptions there. You don’t know what is in someone else’s mind.

On the rare occasions that I have been dressed up and somebody said, “You’re so dressed up” or something similar to me (and it does happen because people don’t expect it from me) I just take it as a compliment and say thanks and move on. I might give a little context for why I was dressed up if I felt like it (going to the opera after this, got an interview later, going to a wedding/funeral, just got this new dress and couldn’t wait to wear it, I love to get dressed up for the holidays.) I certainly don’t try to make the other person feel bad.

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Oh come on! Not the same.

A more comparable phrase might be “your sweater is so soft” or “your skirt is so green” or “your caftan is so flowy” or “your sweatshirt is so State red”. I wouldn’t take any of those as insults.

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I think we have to be in person to see not what’s said but how it’s delivered. I think it makes a difference.

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In general I only very rarely make any comment on what anyone else is wearing. I find ALL comments on someone’s appearance to be judgy.

And I really dislike judgy, but sometimes if one of my kids has a new outfit and I can see that they are proud of it I will make a compliment, like, “I like your outfit”. Then they will usually tell me from which thrift stores they bought the various pieces. Or if my friend that likes to dress up puts forth a little extra effort for a night out I might say “you look nice” because I can see she took some extra time, but honestly she always looks nice because she IS nice and kind.

So that is where I am coming from with “you do you” a phrase which I really like actually because my weird kids (who embrace the term weird) use it. Be yourself! Don’t let fear of others’ judgment of you hold you back from how you want to dress or express yourself. If you like to dress very conservatively and modestly then do that. If you like to dress like Bettie Page then do that. If you like to dress like Lady Gaga or Elton John or Kim Kardashian then do that.

Honestly, unless the people you gather with are especially catty, I would suspect that most people who say “You’re so dressed up” are actually thinking to themselves, “Should I have dressed up? Did I miss a memo? Have I made a social faux pas?” What they say is often more about them feeling insecure than it is about you.

So in answer to the original question, my 21 year old will be wearing many facial piercings (ears, nose, bridge, cheek), tattoos, and probably all black — black jeans, and a black or grey sweater would be my guess, but a silly holiday sweater is not out of the realm of possibility and Doc Martens or maybe black Toms. My 18 yr old will probably be wearing a dress or skirt either mid-thigh length with fishnets, or possibly ankle length, also probably black, possibly brown or grey. Probably a crop top and a sweater and tattoos and Doc Martens. My husband will probably be wearing jeans and running shoes, and either a button down plaid shirt (not flannel, though) or an athletic synthetic material shirt with a nice black Saucony jacket. I will be wearing some Lucky jeans I got at the thrift store several years ago brand new. They only have a couple of very tiny pulls from cat claws. I will probably be wearing a long sleeve green t-shirt with subtle stripes across it I got from Target. Maybe I’ll wear a necklace, but sometimes they give me a neck-ache. I’ll probably wear some modest hoop earrings. I’ll probably wear my Skechers on my feet since I have a twinge of plantar fasciitis otherwise I would usually wear my black boots that look kinda like motorcycle boots, but not really. That’s us dressed up a little bit.

Oh, their cousins will likely wear t-shirts and jeans. I think one of the girls wore a dress last time we got together. Grandma will wear comfortable slacks, maybe a nice cream colored turtleneck with a pretty necklace and a cardigan.

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Our extended family has full range from holiday PJs to shorts to jeans to nice dresses and dress slacks. Mostly people try to wear a happy smile!

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I actually agree with you, because I really didn’t agree with your premise that someone saying, “You’re so dressed up!” is a fact.

If this thread has shown anything, it has been that people’s interpretation of, “dressed up,” runs the gamut.

That’s kind of why I used the example I did - though, I suppose, “overweight,” is somewhat relative, too. But, at least it is more objectively measurable than, “dressed up.”

To your point, there is no point to such comments about appearances. But, that doesn’t mean people don’t make them.

And, yes, some of dh’s family members are catty. I agree with @DrGoogle123 that delivery makes a difference. I am a person who is big into, “tone” and “inflection.” Imagine the question, “Do you like anchovies or your pizza?” Think how two people could say that same sentence and with one you could hear enthusiasm for anchovies on pizza and with the other you could hear disdain for anchovies on pizza. Lots more to our communication than just the words we use.

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If some asks me the question, “Do you like anchovies on your pizza?” I take that as a straightforward question. There’s no point in doing anything else IMO. I try not to read ulterior motives into things people say even if they are being catty because that just leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It’s always better IMO to be matter of fact about it and assume other people have good intentions. If they’re trying to offend me they’re going to have to try a lot harder than asking about anchovies on my pizza or saying “you’re so dressed up”.

I always told my kids to look for the good things in life and don’t go looking for bad things. When the bad things come around they’re gonna find you — no reason to go looking for them before they are right there in front of your face.

You can choose to take the anchovies question or the dressed up comment any number of ways. I could choose to get offended by someone just asking my name, too. But I’m not going to because I choose to assume good intentions.

If someone wants to say “your clothes are ugly” or “your choice of pizza toppings is dumb” then that just reflects poorly on them. It’s my body. I get to decide what I want to wear and eat. No skin off my nose if somebody else doesn’t like it.

My motto is to treat other people with kindness and give them the benefit of the doubt and if they’re mean anyway it’s something going on with them not me. Distance and don’t engage. Usually that works.

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