This is a post I wasn’t sure I would be writing 3 years ago. DS graduated this past weekend, with a BS in engineering from a tough Virginia Tech program – finished in 4 years, which statistically these days is a pretty big accomplishment. I’ve been breathing in and breathing out, on pins and needles, praying, for four years; it’s been a bumpy ride. I’m returning to post here to give hope and encouragement to other parents who may be facing the same sort of bumpy ride now or in the next few months: You are not the only ones. Just because your kid is floundering and struggling doesn’t mean you’ve failed and doesn’t mean they’re failures. Strap in, be honest with yourself and your student, pray, cry (but not in front of them), breathe in, breathe out, roll with it, listen, give them your perspective but don’t insist they take it, bite your tongue as necessary, hold them accountable, and don’t give up on them if they’re making forward progress, even if it is small and slow. Great growth often requires great struggle and is incredibly hard to watch.
A summary of his/our journey: Horrible first semester, all of his own making. He didn’t fail anything but came awfully close (2.1). We made the decision that since nothing changed financially and he was still in good academic standing (by the skin of his teeth), to let him continue, because that’s what he wanted. He’d dug a hole, he now had to dig himself out. He made gradual improvements, but it wasn’t like night and day improvements. Then he failed a notoriously tough class the 2nd semester of sophomore year; retook it and aced it over the summer. He took the initiative and got involved in undergrad research his junior year, spent the summer working in a lab at school for a professor, and continued working for her his senior year. Took us by surprise when he got involved in an entrepreneur challenge his senior year and went with his team to several business pitch competitions where they’ve won seed money to help move their business plan forward. He really gets and loves his technical classes and his research, even though he still struggles with grades sometimes (most semesters are 2.9 – 3.1); he lights up and will talk your ear off about what he’s learning, what he’s doing in the lab, and why it’s exciting. He got into grad school on his research prof’s recommendation because she likes his work, even though his grades are just below the normal cutoff. He’ll have to fund it himself via loans initially (he has no undergrad debt), but if he does well his first year, she’s told him she’ll fund him for half tuition next year as a TA. He’s spending this summer working in her lab, getting a jump start on his graduate research. He walked across the stage Saturday and got his degree. We went to the reception for his major afterwards and several of his professors came over to congratulate him, introduce themselves, and say nice things about him. These men had a rapport with my son that was obviously built from frequent personal interactions, not just from lecturing him in class. One of these profs was the toughest he ever had; my son struggled mightily through 3 of his classes, but reveres the man and elected to take those classes because he was interested in the material and liked his tough-as-nails-but-always-fair approach to his teaching; it was amazing to see the respect and support this man gave to my son. Lesson: struggling does not mean you are not learning and are looked down upon by the people who are teaching you.
I’m incredibly proud of how hard he’s worked, how much he’s grown, how much he’s pushed himself. He’s done things I never would have predicted at the start of this journey – some amazingly stupid, and some amazingly brilliant too. There are things about him that still frustrate me to no end, but there are also things that take my breath away. It’s all wrapped up in one package with him. I have no idea how the next few years will unfold for him, but he’s got a solid start, and he’s shown he can figure it out. We’ll hold him in our prayers always as he does.
Thank you to this forum for being a sounding board full of wisdom and encouragement when we were in the bumpiest part of his journey a few years ago. I so appreciated the hope that the stories of others who had been there, done that gave me at the time. I hope his story will be an encouragement for others going forward. It’s not always pretty, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible; one day at a time, one step at a time, just keep going.
