<p>Please be honest. Its my general essay for my colleges apps. (the spaces are supposed to be indents and koto, sitar, and erhu are italicized in my original copy. I don't know how to do it on this site).</p>
<p>A Journey of Global Citizenship
My breath flies from my lungs, my eyes tear over in awe. From somewhere deep inside, a feverish stirring commences. Passion flows, unbidden, from an unknown alcove of my soul to the surface of my body, shooting vibrations through my body. These are the sensations that consume me, when, listening to the music of Andaluc</p>
<p>The beginning was so bad that I stopped reading. Where are you applying? That will help the critique. (I’m an English teacher.)</p>
<p>Tell me, what was horrible about it? Was it overdramatic? bombastic? The thing is, i’ve already submitted this essay to a couple schools. I just want to know how screwed I am.</p>
<p>You use such pretentious language; it’s quite obvious you’re attempting to show an admissions officer your wide vocabulary. </p>
<p>Also, you spend too much time talking about the different types of music and how you progressed through them. If you want to continue to use this topic for your essay, focus more on HOW music has changed your view on the world.</p>
<p>Where did you send this? If you’re applying to selective schools with this, you are not going to fare well.</p>
<p>The first problem is language. Your vocabulary in this essay is clearly not your own. There are so many words that are misused and the sentence structure is convoluted.</p>
<p>The essay also says nothing. It does not say what you think it does. I would use this essay as a very obvious example of how not to write.</p>
<p>Do you speak like this in public? Think about the admissions officers. They only have a few minutes to review each application. Do you think they want to receive a headache right when they see this essay? No.</p>
<p>I think the very beginning could be potentially left alone to show how much you love music. I did it too in one of my essays’ beginning:</p>
<p>It had started. Like a warm spring wind, his breath stirred the dormant into life, drawing the audience into a vast world of sounds. A single thread of clarinet painted the field where the orchestra bloomed and the melodies quickly developed into layers, creating dimension. The hall seemed to bulge under the frenzy of colors, but the conductor’s arm still danced with increasing agitation. Soon, the air grew unbearably heavy with scents until
bam! The sound exploded. </p>
<p>But then I dropped back down to a more common prose right afterwards and explained the situation the above paragraph is describing.
Does anyone else think what I have is too much as well?</p>
<p>Thanks for all your feedback. I think I got what I need. I don’t any more posts</p>