How can I make this SAT essay a 6?

Test Preparation
1

<p>Hello all,</p>

<p>I'm attempting to get an 11-12 on my third and final SAT essay on the 17th. I was wondering if you could please review this sample essay and see if you can find a way for me to improve it to that score (aside from grammar). Many thanks!</p>

<p>QUESTION: Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<pre><code>The presupposition that the world is changing for the better is an unequivocal truth. Although some upholders of conformity will argue that remaining the same increases efficiency, these myopic advocates are too dogmatic in their provincial creeds. Two salient paradigms that exemplify the necessity of change are the creation of the home computer and Theodore Roosevelt’s progressive reforms.
Bill Gates and Paul Allen’s middle twentieth century creation of the home computer prominently demonstrates the positives of change. Patented by MIS Systems, Inc. in 1976, their creation changed the economy and business world forever. Three years after the home computer’s development, it created over 1,200 new jobs in America. Not only did it expand upon America’s work force, but it also reformed the country’s already flourishing occupations. For example, by 1987, sixty-two percent of all corporations owned at least four home computers, because, as CEO Gates said, the invention “reduced task time.” Without this useful integration into the U.S. society, its economy and businesses would be as no near developed as they are today.
History has also supplied us with countless positives of change. A prominent example is the reforms created by U.S. Progressive President Theodore Roosevelt. Roosevelt so many problems in his country and resolved them with his “Square Deal Plan.” Under it, he tamed corporate monopolies, created national parks to preserve wildlife, and even created the Meat Inspection Act to ensure purified beef. Without the Rough Rider’s revisions to American society the country would still be wealthy-dominated, damaging its natural resources, and highly prone to diseases.
The notion that change leads to society’s problems is a misconception that often ends in failure. As proven by America’s past history and business ventures, change leads to everything from an improved economy to equal opportunity to a safer country. Without it, this world would never discover the cures to its various flaws and weaknesses.
</code></pre>

2

<p>bump…does anyone have a suggestion? It would be greatly appreciated.</p>

3

<ol>
<li>Stop trying to use so much long vocabulary and instead opt to write a longer essay. If I were you, i would definitely eliminate most of the long words and instead write a third example.</li>
<li>Expand on your details; for your third paragraph instead of just listing out Roosevelt’s achievements as you do, you could attribute an individual sentence to each of Roosevelt’s major achievemnts.</li>
</ol>

<p>Mostly, it looks as though you try too hard to use vocabulary. Your essay deserves 8-9.</p>

4

<p>Actually, it’s the time constraint that’s the problem, not the vocabulary. But thank you, I will make sure to work on that before Saturday.</p>

5

<p>^Also, practice copying passages from textbooks asfast as legibly possible to increase speed.</p>

6

<p>Hi Metfan,</p>

<p>Too short- you have two examples and it should be three. Rocket Review recommends that two be from literature and one historical. These essays are mostly graded by English teachers so you are trying to create the impression of someone who has good knowledge of high school curriculum. </p>

<p>Clearly delineate your paragraphs. Skip a line and indent.</p>

<p>Your word choice is killing you. Pick a goal of just two ‘SAT’ words, correctly used.
Here are the issues:
‘presupposition’: means to supposed in advance of information. A prejudice. ‘Supposition’ would have been better. ‘Premise’ is best.
‘unequivocal truth’: you are implying there are no counter examples, which is a high standard of logic. sack of Rome?
‘provincial creeds’: implies there is some kind of rural opposition to your thesis.
‘salient paradigms’: a paradigm is an overarching pattern. Maybe, maybe some one could stretch that to include the development of the personal computer. But how is Roosevelt a paradigm? It looks like you wanted to say ‘examples’ and went too fancy.
‘ensure purified beef’: ‘purified’ implies removing impurities. The purpose of safe meat handling is to prevent the development of impurities in the first place, through salting, low temperatures, cleaning cutting surfaces etc. You probably should have just said “ensure a safe, professionally inspected meat supply”.</p>

<p>Logic: The prompt was “Is the world changing for the better”. Your position on this prompt appears to be it’s an “unequivocal truth”. Ok, you picked a side so thats good, although with only two examples I doubt you will be able to sell anyone on ‘unequivocal’. Your thesis then appears to be “the necessity of change”. This seems to me to be subtly different than the prompt question. </p>

<p>On to your thesis of “necessity of change”- you give us two examples of changes that were beneficial to society. Thats good, but you picked 2 examples over the course of 100 years. Were there any bad changes in there? What about those examples prove the “necessity”? I think the prompt “Is the world changing for the better” requires you to at least address the negative changes and argue that they are outweighed by the positive. For instance, you could mention that the widespread introduction of the PC cost hundreds of thousands of secretaries their jobs over the years. That could be balanced against positive of the former secretaries now being freed up from rote typing to do a lot more valuable work and get higher pay. </p>

<p>Not that you get graded on historical accuracy, but I think your details about Allen and Gates are wrong. I think the PC was invented at Xerox and there were various home kits. Rather than inventing anything, they wrote a BASIC language program for the early kits and then licensed an early OS and resold that product to IBM. That doesnt matter really, but using the phrase " middle twentieth century creation of the home computer " I think is a minor ding. The late '70’s arent “middle twentieth century” and a grader might be thrown.</p>

<p>Your closing is a mixed bag- the first sentence “…a misconception that often ends in failure” is a concept that you never addressed at all. I do like your closing ("Without it, this world would never discover the cures to its various flaws and weaknesses. ") and it would have been perfect chance to reenforce your thesis with a tag sentence. For instance “Even if we cant always succeed, humans must keep trying, keep reaching for a better future”.</p>

<p>The two biggest improvement you should focus on are a 3rd example, hopefully literary, and remove unsure words.</p>

7

<p>Thanks so much! I think both of your advice will go a long way…I’ll let you know how I do when I get the results back!</p>

8

<p>If I am lost in the vocabulary in the first few sentences of your essay, that probably means the vocabulary is a problem, to at least some point. Like the others have said, I would spend less time with the expansive vocab, and more time focusing on writing a complete argument. Not that ‘length’ is insanely important, but being clear and thorough is.</p>