How can I support my daughter?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi everyone,</p>

<p>I wrote on this forum a few months ago regarding my daughter, but recently I've had a lot of questions, and as everyone was so helpful last time, I would appreciate any advice anyone has on the situation.</p>

<p>To recap, my daughter is a junior in high school with a history of depression, which is part of the reason high school has been so difficult for her, and her grades don't exactly reflect her potential. This past November, her best friend committed suicide, which devastated her. The past few months, we've really been focused on getting her therapy, counseling, and making sure that she realizes that her health comes before grades. </p>

<p>She's doing a lot better since, so I'm happy that the help she's been getting has been benefiting her. I know this is a process - she is by no means better, but she is doing much better than she has in a long time.</p>

<p>Academics-wise, she has about a 3.3/3.4 GPA, although she currently has a 4.6 for second semester, and seems a lot more relaxed then I've ever seen her. This may be due to the fact that she's recently become a lot more involved in her music composition. </p>

<p>Her SAT I is a 2300, and she has 800s in USH/Literature SAT IIs. She also has lots of ECs/internships involving business, piano, and voice.</p>

<p>D has told me that she now wants to major in music composition, and she is absolutely thrilled by the prospect. She also said that she will consider double majoring with something like business her sophomore/junior year. </p>

<p>One of the issues discussed on the last thread was that the school environment and her peers were providing her with a lot of pressure, but I think her decision to major in music is making that less of an issue. I know she was teetering between majoring in music and something like political science for a long time, but she told me that the idea to major in music composition came to her as something of an "epiphany."</p>

<p>Of course, at this point I just want her to pursue something she's interested in and excited to explore.</p>

<p>I was wondering what exactly being a music composition major would entail. We are California residents, so would schools like UCLA be reasonable options considering the situation? Would it be dependent on an audition (I know some music schools place the audition above almost everything)? Would a music dept environment be very cut-throat?</p>

<p>Is sending her to college at all a reasonable decision for us to be making?</p>

<p>Any advice on how to support her in her pursuit of music with everything that's been going on and any possible schools to be looking at would be greatly appreciated!</p>

2

<p>Good to see you back, FID.
I don’t know much about music majors, but some thoughts.

  1. There is a section on cc about music majors. might help to ask your questions here.
    [Music</a> Major - College Confidential](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/]Music”>Music Major - College Confidential Forums)</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Not sure, but USC may have a great program for this. FYI, if D is a NMSF, and you put USC as her 1st choice on the NMSF sheet (doesn’t commit you to anything) and if she gets accepted to USC, then D gets automatic 50% off tuition which is approx $22K per year. </p></li>
<li><p>A friend was some sort of music major at USC and now is a editor in the movie business. So yes, it still can be reasonable to attend college for this major.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>UCLA’s admit rate for California residents with UC GPAs between 3.3-3.69 was 2%. Even with her fantastic test scores, that is going to be tough.</p>

4

<p>I can’t offer any suggestions but I want to wish your daughter and your family well! It sounds like you all have been through a lot.</p>

5

<p>Hi fidad - So glad to hear things are going well. </p>

<p>My kids did not major in music, but I’ve heard that admission process (at least for Instrumental Performance, Voice, Music Theater, etc) can be quite involved. The good news is you can find specific advise in the music topics in Discussion area. </p>

<p>Hopefully other parents here can offer some general thoughts. Good luck!</p>

6

<p>There are quite a few composition majors on the Music forum on CC - and parents of composition majors. They should be able to answer a lot of your questions.</p>

7

<p>Definitely check out the music major forum. Very helpful for those of us who know nothing about the process. I haven’t paid much attention to the details of schools in CA, but I have seen USC discussed a lot there. Music schools can be very competitive, so that’s something to consider. Again, people in the music major forum would likely have advice about which schools are better/worse in that regard.</p>

8

<p>

</p>

<p>Just as one should not push a depressed person to college, one should not push her away either. </p>

<p>My bit of advice about what you wrote is that you as parents should imho avoid getting overinvested in this new possible major. I think it is great for her to explore, great that she is excited. Still, I would reflect those feelings (“I can see you are really excited about composition”) rather than being yourself enthusiastic or seeming committed to it. Imho you must keep in mind that this new interest may not work out, she may go in some other direction, and in that event you don’t want her to think that she has disappointed you.</p>

<p>I don’t mean to say that you seem overinvested now. It’s just something to keep in mind.</p>

9

<p>I’m glad your daughter is doing better.</p>

<p>CSU Northridge has a spectacular music program, including composition. I suspect Northridge’s music program is superior to that of many other schools, including UCLA. Don’t rule it out just because it’s a CSU and not a UC. An audition is required.</p>

<p>I would definitely have her ask her therapist’s opinion on when and whether college is an option. The therapist would be in the best position to make that determination. You didn’t say where in California you live, but it might be worthwhile to only look at schools fairly near to your home, so that she could either live at home or you could check on her fairly regularly.</p>

10

<p>@adad I can speak only to the USC Thornton music program, which I know has an arduous audition process. We know several very talented and well prepared kids who have made it down to the last 5-10 Prospects only to be rejected in the end. Given her history with depression, I wonder if this would be too much to bear. Northridge has a great music program that is less competitive and they work with special needs kids teaching them music as well. despite her clear intelligence, as a mom I would think it better to send her to a lower stress environment. This is clearly one to go visit and look into. It’s a fabulous program!</p>

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<p>*FYI, if D is a NMSF, and you put USC as her 1st choice on the NMSF sheet (doesn’t commit you to anything) and if she gets accepted to USC, then D gets automatic 50% off tuition which is approx $22K per year. *</p>

<p>I think you have to become a NMF to get that scholarship. It sounds like the D’s grades might prevent her from going from NMSF to NMF (If her PSAT is high enough for NMSF).</p>

12

<p>Definitely post on the music forum.</p>

<p>I am the parent of an undergrad music major/composer and will PM you. If she is a junior, then she is getting close to the application period and needs to think about a portfolio, if she is applying to conservatory or music schools. For a BA music major, some schools require this and some don’t. Some schools require auditions on instruments for composers, and others don’t. You will have to pay attention to websites very carefully.</p>

<p>Does she have a composition teacher? Would she consider a summer program? Has any of her music been played/performed? Has she studied theory at all?</p>

<p>Plenty of composers start in college or afterward, so I don’t mean to intimidate. It’s fine to apply to colleges, try some music classes, and decide to major after a year or so. I would warn, though that double majoring may be difficult, though not impossible, depending on the school. Music is a pretty intense major.</p>

<p>At the other end of the spectrum, there are some who have been composing for a long time, and have major awards under their belt, studied theory for years and years at a conservatory prep, and have already had orchestral pieces played by major orchestras.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t say that the ultimate outcome need be any different for students at any point along this spectrum, frankly, so don’t be discouraged. But go on over to the music forum and connect with other parents there.</p>

<p>I have read that 50%+ of college students are on anti-depressants. If she is actively suicidal, that is one thing, but otherwise, she is in good company. It is important to choose a school that will work socially as well as academically, and one that has a good support system for students. She can also register with the office for disabilities with documentation: it can be helpful to have a plan set up in advance in case of trouble. Also, tuition refund insurance is a good thing to do.</p>

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<p>Welcome back, FID. glad to hear your d is doing better. Sorry to hear it doesn’t sound like she’s achieved full remission yet, but it still may come soon. </p>

<p>Can’t speak to anything about a music major, but if she’s doing better you certainly can talk about college. I would just second what ADad said and avoid getting over invested in this major yourself. Have her do a little research and figure out what kinds of materials most kids need for this kind of major. Then she can work on putting it together. You can be supportive while hanging back. I think the main reason for not wanting to dive in with her is that kids change their minds, even those who seems so sure about their path. When you’re heavily invested, it’s harder for them to change direction because they think you’ll be disappointed.</p>

<p>Compmom, I don’t think that stat is anywhere close to right. Over a lifetime, up to 25% of women and half that many men may suffer from depression. It’s a recurrent illness, and onset before age 30 is one factor that increases the likelihood of later episodes. If half our college kids are suffering depression severe enough to require ADs (because mild depression is often treated with therapy alone), we’d have a significantly larger number of depressed adults.</p>

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<p>I think both of ADad’s points in #8 are spot on. It is important to be supportive of her current plan, without becoming too invested in it. If she changes her mind, for any reason, you don’t want her to feel as if she has “failed.”</p>

<p>I admit that I inevitably throw myself into researching anything that S indicates he might want to pursue. My excuse is that he is an only child. :smiley: What I try to do is keep most of what I learn to myself, releasing little nuggets from time to time in a cheery little email</p>

<p>I’m glad to hear your D is doing better. It still sounds to me as if a LAC would be better for her, even if it is farther away from you.</p>

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<p>Given her interest in music, I’d also recommend investigating two Midwest LACs known for their strong academics, reknowned music conservatories, supportive student environments, and excellent merit and financial aid: St Olaf College in MN and Lawrence in WS. Both are small schools that offer close faculty:student relations, many diverse majors and programs, and a nurturing environment.</p>

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<p>Oh goodness, ADad and Consolation for the win. Read those posts again and really think about them. I have the same tendency that Consolation describes, and I have to keep it in check. Don’t become over invested in her thought process or goals. I KNOW it feels like support, but it can come across as pressure. I have learned this the hard way. Good luck!</p>

<p>Edited-I personally think suggestions like Lawrence or St Olaf sound better than a UCLA. I am sure where you live, UCLA is a big name school, but don’t let ego drive this (not saying you are).</p>

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<p>I would say that UCLA as a choice is not realistic but not because of your D but because of the 150,000 applications they get…</p>

<p>I’ll also throw in a plug for St. Olaf, Lawrence but add in Luther and several other Midwest LAC’s as well as Belmont in Nashville (which I consider “the south” :D). Her SAT score will qualify her for some pretty substantial merit aid, coming from CA will probably play in her favor as well as these LAC love geographic diversity as well.</p>

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<p>That first quote is from a 2009 American College Health Association-National College Health Assessment (ACHA-NCHA) nationwide survey of college students at 2- and 4-year institutions. It is widely used to encourage college students to seek help because the feelings are so common. It doesn’t go so far as to say that 30% of college students suffer from depression. However, I have no trouble believing that in some of those pressure cooker schools that students who have have a genetic predisposition or other risk factor for the disease would develop it.</p>

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<p>Ordinarylives, the article I read was a few years ago and the statistic was not a snapshot of use at a given moment, but use over time, so the math was a little different than a survey of current use.</p>

<p>It also, as I remember, appeared in a publication at a certain top school. I tried to find it today but cannot, so I retract and apologize for statistical sloppiness (!). As you say, pressure cooker schools that have cultures that “demand flawlessness” have higher med use for anxiety and depression. </p>

<p>From NAMI: The latest research reports that feeling
depressed to the point where students have trouble functioning impacts about 40% of students. (I have seen studies that say 30% as well)</p>

<p>An interesting theory is that statistics on mental health and med use have been affected by the fact that with earlier diagnosis and treatment, more students with mental health issues are making it to college in the first place (and are arriving already on meds).</p>

<p>There is a new book out entitled “College of the Overwhelmed: the College Mental Health Crisis and What to Do About It.” Here is a quote from the review:
Kadison, chief of mental health services at Harvard, and DiGeronimo (How to Talk to Your Kids About Really Important Things) are deeply concerned about the marked growth in serious mental health problems on campus: they note statistics showing that almost half of all students will become seriously depressed during their college career and may engage repeatedly in binge drinking. One in 10 undergraduates, they say, will seriously consider suicide</p>

<p>The important point is parents of kids with depression and other issues have lots of company, no one should feel marginalized, and there is a lot of information and support to be shared. At the same time, every individual situation is different and families and the professionals they work with have to decide the best course of action for each student.</p>

<p>Music is a great outlet and composition can express a lot of things that words can’t. Hoping the original poster’s daughter finds a school that works for her and for her music!</p>