My former work-study employee had this issue and she ended up promising to call and/or text them every day and gave them a schedule of weekends that she would be home. @bopper has some great ideas.
Before you talk with them, research both colleges for
- substance-free/healthy living dorms
- women-only dorms or wings
- Muslim Student Association
- Mosque w Religious community within easy distance of campus
Email the Muslim Student Association: you’re not the first to be in this situation.
Is your Imam supportive of university studies? Did he or another leader attend a UC? Has a respected community leader attended either university? Have families in your religious Community had girls attend either university as resident students?
You can’t commute to Davis.
College isn’t high school - you’ll have classes till the evening, study groups and review sessions will all be in the 7-10pm time slot. The 4 hours each day you’d lose in traffic will be time you cannot devote to your studies and that other students WILL use, so you’ll be at a serious disadvantage.
Can you connect with some people in a local mosque in Santa Barbara? Maybe there’s a youth group you could contact. Perhaps instead of seeing this as negative (here’s what I’ll do not to lose my faith), you can present it as a positive (here are all the fantastic resources at UCSB that I can connect with). This transition to your independence is exciting for you but hard on them. Ultimately, it’s your life, but if they are paying for your college, they do get to have some say in it. Having seen friends do this process badly and have very strained relationships with their parents well into adulthood, I wouldn’t underestimate the delicacy of the stage you are in. Reach out to current Muslim UCSB students for guidance.
The commuting will not be restricted to 5 days a week. There will be group projects for classes where the only free time to get the project team together to get the assignments completed will be the weekend.
@mysteriousmah I was that Muslim girl many, many years ago lol. I’m a first generation born and and raised Muslim, one of the first to graduate high school here in the US, one of the eldest grandchildren/cousin etc. I wasn’t allowed to go to college in a city 4 hours away because our culture (not religion!) is that girls go from their parent’s house straight to their husband’s house only with no pit stops on the way lol…plus there were plenty of colleges and Univeristies in our city, so pick one of those lol.
Fast forward 25 years, I’m now a mom of teens myself with my eldest 1.5 years away from college himself. A lot has changed in my family and our Muslim community overall. Plenty of my younger female cousins have gone out of town for college…both of my nieces have as well. I know many, many, many girls in our community who are in colleges in different cities or even states.
It’s the fear of the unknown. As a Muslim parent myself now, I’m feeling it as well. It’s hard to let go. It’s hard to imagine not being a cocoon of shelter, especially in the current political climate. I worry about some of the college campuses my son is considering and if he’ll be safe in that environment, but I know that sooner or later I will need to let go.
Talk to your parents. Take them to see the campus and tour the dorms. Show them the active MSa, the support networks in place for Ramadan and prayer amenities and introduce them if possible to parents and families of other Muslim students on campus…find a Muslim roommate to assuage their concerns, if that will help. Maybe try to engage in a trusted scholar or Imam that can help show them that there really isn’t a religious basis for you to not go away for school.
Our faith is about oneness with God, and that will be present anywhere you live. At the end of the day though, if it doesn’t happen, you’ll be okay and will excel at whichever campus you end up at. Maybe by the time you finish your undergrad and are ready for grad school they will be Moreno comfortable with the idea of you going away.
Make the arguments against commuting to Davis AND the arguments for your desire and ability to continue living your faith at SB.
Item #7 in post 17 is a particularly good point. It’s not easy, but at some point they’re going to have to trust that they raised you well and that you can and will continue to live your values away from home. (Actually, you haven’t mentioned whether or not that’s what YOU want, but that’s a whole different discussion.)
You’ll have more time and energy to participate in the life of the Muslim community, to make Muslim friends (maybe even meet a nice Muslim guy? Sorry. ?) if you’re living at a school with a vibrant Muslim community than if you’re spending 4 hours a day commuting.
It is absolutely ridiculous to ask you to commute 4 hours a day. Long commutes are proven to have physical and psychological effects, not to mention all of the wasted time.