Hi,
I have already applied to this school in Oregon and am awaiting an admissions decision (they’re slightly selective) but I’d like to send them an extra essay explaining my current situation just to increase the chances of them accepting me. I have the following things I’d like to tell them in the essay, but I want to come up with an effective, flowing sort of sequence in the essay–just need to know how to organize and order it so that they feel more comfortable accepting me (and preferably giving me some sort of financial bonus). I’d like to include in the essay:
–my parents are determined to keep me in-state, and I need a prestigious college out of state to accept me in order to convince them to let me get out, otherwise I’ll be stuck living with them for four years–not even dorming.
–The school is big on “accepting people who truly have a passion for learning”, which I self-identify with.
–My younger brother was put up for adoption when we were little–we discovered each other through Instagram about 3 years ago and have been trying really hard to get to meet up somehow (he lives in Oregon also.) Parents don’t know I know him, but have made it really clear they wouldn’t plan on letting me meet him, so I need a prestigious college (and at a good price) as a reason to get their approval for going to live in that state. If I don’t get in this college, I will be forced to stay in NJ.
Please don’t question me on any of these reasons, because I’ve already decided I’m going for it; it’s too important for me. I just need to know how to outline the essay most effectively to maximize my acceptance (and financial rewards) chances.
All help is appreciated.
I would also like to tell them that my parents have babied me from a very young age, and that if I don’t get these 4 years to learn independence myself and truly gain success, I’ll never get the chance or the experience to gain true responsibility.
Additionally, my brother’s adoption family knows me and is very supportive of me coming to be with him (and getting away from my overbearing parents that are holding me back academically).
To put it bluntly, what you’re describing would not increase your chances of acceptance. Colleges aren’t in the business of accepting students so they can help them…they want to accept qualified students they think will thrive at their college and add to the community. Everything you’re describing is about what the college can do for YOU rather than what you would do for the college community. At this point, you could send a continued letter of interest emphasizing that they are your first choice and why you think they should accept you. But I don’t know if that would change anything one way or the other. Good luck with your acceptance though!!!
Telling a school that your parents will not be 100% supportive of you going there will only help to tip you into the rejection pile. Don’t tell the college that a reason you want to attend is something that you are hiding from your parents. The way an AO will read it, if your parents find out that you’re going to meet your brother, they will cut you off.
Colleges don’t want drama. They want supportive families who will happily write checks for four years. Also, the time for essays is done. There is no upside to your providing this added information and significant downside.
@jillpnk had the best suggestion: write a letter of continued interest but don’t offer any of the above information. If you have a new award or achievement that came in after your application was submitted though, be sure to add that.
If you don’t get accepted, don’t despair. You have your entire adult life to connect with your brother. Focus on getting through whatever college you go to with the best grades, look for internships, join professional societies, etc. Basically, give yourself the ability to call your own shots when you get out.
Thank you so much, @jillpnk and @Otterma. I agree with everything you said, but believe there are three clarifications about my situation I should have made that adress your responses.
First off, I’m so sorry–just to clarify, I am not hiding that I’m going to meet my brother–my parents DO know that (I’m unsure of why I typed “don’t” in my original post), and they are willing to let me go ther-- but only if I get into this one specific school. There is no risk of my parents “cutting me off” after the college accepts me, and they and I together will continue paying my tuition all four years. Do you still recommend not including the information?
I only ask because a friend of mine recently was accepted into a university with some scholarship money but declined to enroll because of certain family reasons and financial inability–but she did write in an essay explaining it all, sob stories and everything, which actually convinced the university to give her a full scholarship instead of the original partial. University AOs did consider “drama” in that situation–and took quite a big step because of it. She is now enrolled at the university.
Finally, the original essay I wrote has been sent in–this is just extra information which the college is still accepting, so they will still consider it in my portfolio.
There is no risk of my parents cutting me off, so the AOs wouldn’t put my app in the trash because of parental issues, I have seen examples proving AOs are considerate of personal situations, (as described above) and extra essays are still being considered. (It should have occurred to me to include all this information in my original post, I’m sorry.) That said, now that you have a clearer picture of my case, would you say it’s worth my while to send them information like that?
If so, (going back to my original question) how would I outline it?
Once again, thanks!!
I strongly agree with the above posters, regardless of whether your parents do or don’t know. To me, the big risk of submitting this is that you come off as whiny: “Poor me, I think I should be admitted because I have personal problems.” (I don’t think you are, but I think it will be perceived this way.) This is definitely not worth your while. To an admissions officer, this is excessive personal information that they don’t need or want. If anything, I think this will negatively impact your chances for admission.
Your friend’s situation is completely different - what you’re describing is basically a financial aid appeal. She had already been accepted and offered a partial scholarship when she sent this information. Yes, the AOs took action - but she was a student they already knew they wanted, which undoubtedly motivated them to find a way to assist her. From what you’ve described, they did not consider “drama” (it sounds like your situation is in that category), they considered demonstrated financial hardship.
I would still not tell them. It comes off as “Here’s the real reason I want to attend your school. It has nothing to do with how good you are as an institution.” It sounds like you’re using them to get something else you want.
@catbird1 and @bodangles i completely understand now. thanks so much for taking time out and warning me!! I’ll make sure not to send such information. you’ve all saved me from such a huge mistake, I can’t thank you enough!!