@kchendds If I were you, I’d ask the moderators to delete this thread. You’ve given WAY too much identifying info about your D. I’ve figured out who she is and I’m sure students can. If any student does read this thread, I think some of the stuff you’ve posted could be misused to make life harder for your D.
I’d encourage your D to try to make friends with some people who aren’t in the same major and don’t participate in the same EC. It’s less likely that there will be subliminal competition among them. (Of course, she shouldn’t “announce” to them that this is her motivation in seeking their friendship.) Take an interest in what they do–go see a play, concert or dance recital they are in, comment on an article they wrote for the school paper, etc.
My D graduated from college a long time ago, but she did this very intentionally. She never roomed with anyone in her major or in the EC. She wanted to be able to “get away” from her EC at times and talk about something else.
The other thing that MAY be an issue is the boyfriend. I don’t know if he is, but…I’ve seen a lot of freshman girls get so wrapped up in a guy that they really gave short shrift to other girls around them. If she’s cutting down on the social stuff with her team and spending the social time they spend together with her boyfriend instead, yep, it’s going to cause backlash. They aren’t “jealous” of her relationship with him; they are annoyed at the way she’s treating them because she’s so wrapped up in him. Of course, I haven’t a clue as to whether your D is actually guilty of this, but I’ve seen it happen many, many times. So, make sure she isn’t spending so much time with him that she’s given everyone around her the impression that she doesn’t have time for them.
Your daughter chose a very small school and then chose an activity that makes her world even smaller. She limited her social and academic life at the beginning of the year because of her sport and team, which is what most athletes do, but now she needs to break away from this small group. Join some study groups, pick a roommate who isn’t on her team, join another activity. Is there no one on the team she gets along with? If there is, have her start there and build her circle from that person.
But she is no longer the smart one, cute one, witty one…or at least no longer the only one. All the freshmen at Harvard were the smartest in their classes, the teachers’ favorites, the val or the sal or the first chair in the orchestra or captain of the hockey team. All of them had been told over and over how smart and special they were. Now they have to get used to being just one of a group of really talented students. No longer the top of the heap.
A friend of mine adopted her son and had always told him how special he was. The first day of Kindergarten he cried and cried at dinner, and when asked why he said “They don’t think I’m special!” Oops. I little too ‘center of the universe’ and he needed to accept he was just a student to the teacher and other kids.
I agree with all, with one thing to add: it’s possible her interactions (the behaviors of others toward her) fall into what most of us would call “normal” and the issue is how she perceives it as bullying, nasty, mean girls, etc.
And for years, rather than focusing on the long-term “get along,” “let it roll of your back,” “life’s like that” philosophy, you somewhat provided her with a “me vs them” view.
By endorsing this idea it’s their problem, their jealousy or personality flaws, or their disadvantages, you may have missed an important chance to teach her a very valuable life lesson. Perspective. Resilience. And, maybe, fair judgment of others.
One benefit from counseling is awareness. Yup, awareness of what’s fine/“happens,” what may be overreaction, as well as adaptability, and maybe some introspection, to improve our own interactions. She’s going to need this perspective and skill as she moves into the real world, faces adult pressures.
Best wishes. But there are two sides to every coin. There is no magic around the corner.
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
Closing thread. I think the OP has received enough helpful advise that there is really nothing more to say at this point.
I’ve edited references to the college. It was seriously uncool for a poster other than the OP to mention it. The website is called College Confidential for a reason.