How do you balance it?

[mamita]

<p>I have learned tons on CC and appreciate the knowledge, intelligence, and sense of humor. I’ve gotten “addicted.” As with all addictions, there is a negative effect or ramification. For me, it is being reminded every time I see posts about the extraordinary lives led by most of the rest of the students whose parents post here, that my current hs junior (a kid who works very hard for Bs and B+s in the honors and AP sequences at her school) has very little chance of getting in or attending the type of school she would like to be in (mid-size, small classes). Every time I read CC, I am reminded of this. We just don’t have the money to pay full-fee for a private school, we are not poor enough to qualify for needs-based aid at most schools, and she is not outstanding enough to get merit aid. </p>

<p>Part of this is her fault in not being willing to play the game by limiting her honors classes. If she had taken more easy-A classes in the general curriculum (which at her school, often means being in class with hoodlums), she would be less well-educated, but would have a better GPA. She does not test well, so she is struggling to get her SATs/ACTs in range. She is feeling extremely discouraged, and in a sense, so am I. </p>

<p>I just wish we were in a better place financially to cover the cost of the many nice private colleges who would be happy to take a hard-working, insightful, droll B+ student. Our state college (CA) system is jammed, so it is unlikely she will get into any of the UCs. She can get into the CSUs, but they are currently overcrowded, with kids struggling to get their classes and to be more than just a number. Part of it is that there are not great delineations among theses schools, so Berkeley, UCLA, UCSD take the tippy-top kids, but the rest of the UCs (other than Merced) take A students. The A- and B+ students we know are not getting in. The CSUs basically are not as selective, but due to limits in funds, now place great preference in local students. This makes it hard for those kids who want and are ready for an away experience to get one. (They can go to CC and transfer, they can go to their local CSU. It is a kind of a choice, but I understand the students feeling upset to have worked so hard to end up in school with kids who partied their way through HS, with low (even failing grades) in the case of the CCs.)</p>

<p>It is a very bitter pill, honestly. I am trying to get her to look at some of the WUE schools and to be more flexible about how far away she is willing to go. Yes, the B and B+ threads are helpful, but many of those kids also have high test scores-- and wealthier parents-- to balance them out and give them more choices.</p>

<p>I overhear my student complaining about her friend who had been messaging her with questions about SAT IIs, how many are needed, which should she take, how high do SAT scores need to be, which colleges require what-- To whit my daughter remarks (to us,not the friend), “Why is she so passive? She wants everything spelled out for her. Where is her engagement in her own life? There’s a plethora of information at her fingertips through Google, if she would just look at the web sites of the colleges that interest her!” </p>

<p>Sad thing, said friend has better grades and test scores than my d. This happens all the time, with friends turning to her for information, homework help, and advice. She is smart, but the intelligence is more obvious in her conversations, writing, and projects. </p>

<p>There is an entire generation (not just the kids barely passing high school) of students who feel that they have failed in life by not being at the tippy top. We are not supporting well, as a society, those kids who mature more slowly, but only those who show dramatic promise early. We are teaching the other students that they are worthless. Not necessarily us, as parents, but we (at least my state) are allowing the universities to define students very narrowly rather than demanding that we have a range of options for a range of students, rather than a two tier system. This is what CC has taught me. So, I empathize, OP</p>

[MiamiDAP]

<p>mamita,
“my current hs junior (a kid who works very hard for Bs and B+s in the honors and AP sequences at her school) has very little chance of getting in or attending the type of school she would like to be in (mid-size, small classes).”</p>

<p>-I am not sure what kind of school you are talking about, but my D. was not inspired to go to Ivy / Elite college at all. She graduated #1 from her private HS and went without any hesitation to State Public. She was very happy there, learned a lot and developed as a person. Opportunities were presented almost on a “golden tray” so to speak, very many, some of them she did not have a chance to take advantage of because of commitment to others. Place has very little to do with success at college, it is up to a student to to be successful. Yes, she was told to apply to Harvard and such by both her HS counselor and her pre-med advisor at her state college when she was ready to apply to Med. Schools. My D. listens to herself first, she will take somebody’s advice only if it meets her own criteria. Apparently, Harvard never did. And she has to work extremely hard for her success. Strong work ethic is always a winner.</p>

[ClassicRockerDad]

<p>First of all relax. </p>

<p>I don’t talk about CC with my kids. I’ve learned a tremendous amount here. I don’t buy a lot of the party line. I tell them to do the best that they can to become the person that they want to be. THEN they will apply to college and they will go somewhere good. There are tons of great schools. Not all of them are that difficult to get into. CC is a great resource to help find them. </p>

<p>D1 was a brainiac, but her ECs were just ok. She did nothing in particular to beef up her application that she wouldn’t have wanted to do anyway. Nonetheless, she got into her top two choices EA and is now doing well at one of them. </p>

<p>D2 is more balanced, also very smart, surprising me with how much she puts into her academics and her athletics. She’s maybe an A- student, but I have no doubt that she’s going to be just fine. </p>

<p>Neither kid took THE most difficult curriculum. D1 was very self-driven and did take 10 AP exams and got 5s on all of them, but it was actually possible to do a few more and she didn’t. She studied what she wanted to study. The day after the last AP exam senior year, when there was nothing left to do, she finally got senioritis and did nothing but hang with her friends until she got to college. It was wonderful!</p>

<p>D2 took one AP in 10th grade and is signed up for one AP in 11th grade. She doesn’t think she got a 5 on this year’s exam. It’s all ok though. She loves learning and that will take her through life just fine. She doesn’t need to make herself miserable in this college hunt. I’d rather she have the love of learning than the obsessive focus on achievement. </p>

<p>I really believe that if you can’t learn to be happy in high school, it’s going to be very difficult to learn to be happy when you have a lot more responsibility.</p>

[kerrbo]

<p>mamita - </p>

<p>don’t give up. Your D could be either of my kids. S was a solid 3.0er with primarily only honors classes. D is a solid 3.xer with mix of honors/ap.</p>

<p>Financially we sound right where you are too…so I do feel your pain on that front!</p>

<p>S is VERY happy - and after a rough first year is excelling - at his regional state U. D didn’t get into our saturated state flagship, but did get into another state flagship with decent merit aid, and was accepted into an OOS regional U with great merit aid!</p>

<p>If she would have expanded her geographical requirements, I think she could have found more options. Options exist and you still have time to hunt for them.</p>

[kinderny]

<p>Lots of good things on this thread, but at the end of D’s acceptance season- these are the ones that most resonate from upthread:</p>

<p>

Knowledge is power. Knowing what his chances are at various colleges AND knowing how much you can afford to pay will hopefully prevent some of the heartache that a lot of people go through when acceptances come in the Spring of senior year.

</p>

<p>

I said, “We start from the bottom up. So first we find you three schools you can get into worst case and would really like to attend. Once we’ve done that? We’ll look at the rest of it.”</p>

<p>In the end, she had a relatively stellar acceptance season. But, she’d done such a good job with her safeties, she chose one of those instead. Sometimes, when you encourage them to fall in love with their safeties, they actually do.

</p>

<p>

I would say learn as much as you can about everything college-related but don’t talk about 95% of it. I do agree that you need to be upfront about the importance of maintaining good grades and staying out of trouble. Don’t be a maniac about the grades, just reinforce that it is important.

</p>

<p>Find safeties (acceptance and financial) where your D/S will be happy (how to do that is a whole 'nother thread) and the rest is gravy. I realize that for some (mamita) finding those safeties is particularly difficult. My D did not fall in love with her safety, in fact her #1 safety she turned out to dislike. But as a B/B+ student she is going to a decent, although quirky school with good financial aid (Hampshire College). Good luck to all.</p>

[MiamiDAP]

<p>D. did not think about safety/reach…ranks…She visited colleges and choose the one that made her feel at home. This was also the way she choose her Med. School. Her criteria #1 in both cases has been being within 4 hrs driving from home. I believe that everybody should have their own criteria and follow their hearts, not ranking. Well, following money helps also, but D. got Merit awards at every UG that she has applied. She would not have applyed to schools where we would pay full tuition. Not paying for UG will help us paying for Med. School.</p>

[ordinarylives]

<p>By acknowledging that the only real control you have is financial. Tell the kid what you can pay, help him find a good financial safety or two, and then walk away from the drama. Sure, you’ll be needed to drive to college visits. You can give an opinion, but beyond that? It’s on him.</p>

<p>In the end, d1 picked the financial safety so she wouldn’t have loans. She’s happy with her choice, and doesn’t even blink when classmates announce they’re attending Carleton, Grinnell, creighton, an ivy. My checkbook is pretty happy, too.</p>

[zoemakes5]

<p>Thank you all for so many responses! I’ve been trying to get back in here and post, but haven’t been very successful so far…</p>

<p>Let me preface my post with the fact that we live in CA. What mamita says is entirely accurate…the UC schools, in many ways, might as well be Ivy League and the CSU system, which honestly used to be on par with many community colleges with the exception of the Poly’s and San Diego State, are now impacted and students are looking at 3.7 GPA’s and not being able to get in! </p>

<p>The reason I’ve become so stressed is that I honestly thought before coming here that DS would be somewhat competitive. He currently has around a 3.5 overall GPA, but a 3.2 (weighted) this year. He will be an Eagle scout before long. He has accomplished all of this despite having Asperger’s and ADD. He has been in honors/AP throughout and will continue to be next year. He’s taken German at the local community college and will do so again in the fall.</p>

<p>He has no idea what he wants to do. He has strong math and science skills, but more of a passion for history and social issues. He says Environmental Studies sounds good, but he’s not committed to it.</p>

<p>So far his input regarding schools is he wants to stay close enough to be able to be able to come home for holidays and family events, but wants to live away. He does not want to go to a CC first, as he’s been there and doesn’t have Are main focus has been to find a school where he is comfortable. In my mind, I think that will be a smaller (but not tiny) school, but that’s just my guess.</p>

<p>We are planning some college tours in the fall, and I would hate for him to find the perfect place and have it be someplace he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance of getting in. This would be especially hard with his Asperger’s…he still does have some remnants of the “all or nothing” “perfect or terrible” and I know it will crush him if he finds the perfect place…nothing else will compare for him.</p>