With respect to compromising with the child, I think often the parents have already compromised or lowered expectations after repeated attempts to get the child to do something have failed. Eg, it would be nice if the kid’s room was spotless, but that clearly isn’t going to happen, so maybe you will settle for not a health or injury hazard. If you’ve already lowered expectations to the minimum you feel is acceptable, there is no more room for negotiation. Some years ago, I discussed my difficulties getting my kids to put away their laundry in a timely fashion with a friend. The friend suggested I compromise. I said, I don’t think compromise is possible, I already pick it up wherever they strew it, I wash it for them, and all I expect is for them to fold it and put it in their dressers. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect them to put away their own clothes, and to do it the same day I asked. It should be their responsibility. My friend said, well, what if they just stuff the clothes in the dresser? Why do they have to fold them? Can’t you be flexible? My response, no, that is not acceptable because I am trying to teach them some good habits, to take care of their things and have a little organization. And if the clothes aren’t neat there will be delays getting out the door in the morning. I will be asked to find things. They will look sloppy. And my friend thought I was being unreasonable because after already having lowered expectations several notches (wouldn’t it be nice not to find balled up dirty socks all over the house? Not to have to unball every single sock myself?) I was not willing to negotiate with my kids on this point.
@oldfort I agree.
I think that sometimes if the children aren’t too impulsive, it can be easier to have a laid-back approach to parenting. But, when you have an impulsive child (or children), then you have to lay the law down sometimes. “Yes, you have to sit in your car seat; that’s non-negotiable”. “No, you can’t run out in the street; that’s non-negotiable.” When you have compliant kids, you can say that once, and they just accept/obey. The impulsive child will push the envelope, and will do so in ways that can endanger himself or others…unintentionally.
Kids often learn best by example. When they see their parents working hard and excelling with what they have, it encourages them to do the same.
All I can say is, I grew up in my house- not any one else.
No one’s memory is perfect. NO ONE’s.
To each his/her own.
How the parents were raised and whether or not they thought they had a good childhood influences their own choices in child rearing.
My husband and I both felt as though our parents didn’t offer us much guidance. They didn’t really support or encourage our dreams. We feel like we both had a lot of untapped potential. So what I wanted for my son was that he tap into his own potential, to recognize it and do something with it. Maybe his life will be more fulfilling that way with less regret.
So I looked to see what his natural talents were, in his case, music and academics, and guided him to find ways to shine in those areas so he could be (to quote SpongeBob) “confident in his abilities to successfully succeed!”
Some of his friends don’t have the parental support, and it seriously shows. The friends seem sort of in a holding pattern, not really moving forward in life, tho they are still, imo, very young, in their early 20s, trying to figure things out.
I’d attribute our son’s successes to a combination of both parenting and his own personality, not one more than the other. I’ve repeatedly told him his choices in life don’t have to be approved by his parents. I seriously rebelled as a teenager/young adult. My son has less to rebel against as he was raised differently.
It is of course a sliding scale. I find that I debate and compromise more with my eighteen year old than I did when he was eight. It is hard for me to imagine having a respectful debate with a four year old over whether he should be allowed to pee in the garbage can (because it makes a cool sound) or whether my I don’t remember how young daughter needed to let her new kitten out of her bedroom at night (she was afraid her brother would eat it). The real trick is trying to figure out how much freedom/responsibility they can handle at any given point in time. Personally, there is not much point in giving your kids freedom without making them shoulder the responsibility for their decisions.
As far as trying to help them succeed, while hanging them in the basement by their thumbs when they got the occasional B certainly didn’t hurt (my son is pretty tall, maybe that is why?) I echo what someone up the thread said; get them reading early, and nurture the habit.