Redefining Success and Celebrating the Ordinary

Parents Forum
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<p>This article is well worth reading, especially if you find yourself "pushing" your children to excel beyond what they are capable of achieving. What is the value of trying to "excel" if it only makes your children, and you miserable?</p>

<p>“It’s a value I have to choose again and again, as is true with all of us,” said Katrina Kenison, author of “The Gift of an Ordinary Day” (Grand Central Publishing, 2009). “My job as a mother is not to get my son in the top college, but to enjoy ordinary life. To swim in a pond on a hot day or walk with a friend or make dinner from scratch.” </p>

<p><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/your-money/redefining-success-and-celebrating-the-unremarkable.html?hp%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/your-money/redefining-success-and-celebrating-the-unremarkable.html?hp&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>I was going to post this also. Some perspective and sanity for the extremely achievement-and-recognition-driven to think about (and the rest of us, as well).</p>

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<p>Yes, and there have been several threads lately by parents who could have found some comfort in this article. I think many parents feel that they are letting their kids down if they don’t push, where the reality may be the opposite.</p>

<p>I like this:

</p>

<p>But it’s not always so easy to distinguish between your “own” goals, and those that are important to you <em>because</em> they “impress your parents, your community or your friends.” For the young, it takes a certain measure of maturity, perspective, and self-knowledge. And for parents, it means helping your kids learn who they are and letting go of what you want them to be.</p>

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<p>The problem is economic. The haves are getting smaller and concentrating more wealth in fewer hands, and many of the “ordinary” (I am one – no sneering intended) will not be able to achieve a middle class standard of life.</p>

<p>The scramble to the top is not the doing of overreaching individuals, but of an increasingly frenzied game of musical chairs in which there are fewer and fewer seats, and most of them are marked either “STEM” or “Make Money for the Ruling Elite.”</p>

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<p>There are probably a lot of complicated factors at work. </p>

<p>People are having fewer children, and can devote more time to raising (and helicoptering over) one or two than they were able to in previous generations when they had a lot more mouths to feed. Mass media provides us the ability to see what everyone else has, and what everyone else is doing, not just those in our own community. </p>

<p>The education system has long suffered from the effects of psychologists telling us that we have to give children “self-esteem”, etc. Things like grade inflation, and prizes for everyone on the team regardless of performance are designed to make everyone feel “special” and to make sure no one’s self-esteem suffers.</p>

<p>In high school, ordinary or even extraordinary students don’t necessarily get the reward of getting into the elite colleges. Students are made to feel that if they don’t achieve peace in a small nation and invent a new medical device by the time they graduate, they are inadequate.</p>

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<p>I wish there was a like button for this!</p>

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<p>Interesting discussion. I have just been thinking about this lately. Recently I was pondering the possibility of eliminating the AP system so that a GPA can only be 4.0. And coursework would push us more without having AP. And there was a vocational track reinstated for those that didn’t want to go to college.</p>

<p>It’s time we stopped the treadmill, instead of just watching it go faster and faster each year. We live a high-paced, stressed life as adults, and we train our kids at a very young age to do the same. </p>

<p>Our family has enough stress with only one working parent, I can only image the stress of a 2 parent household with everyone in 5 activities, including the parents. </p>

<p>What if colleges actually refused to admit kids with GPAs of 5.0, 2400 SAT, and 50 different ECs? What if they said this was just too much?</p>

<p>We have a missing teenager here in our area that had an emotional breakdown during freshmen year finals, after being a 4.5 student through HS. Is it any wonder that our kids might be succumbing to the pressure? Is this really what we want for the next generation?</p>

<p>oh well, off my soapbox. One can only dream. . .</p>

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<p>There is a fine line for parents between encouraging your child and pushing them beyond what they are capable of.</p>

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<p>Mythmom, great minds think alike. :-)</p>

<p>I totally agree with your summary of our current situation. It’s the same issue that’s driving Occupy Wall Street and similar movements. </p>

<p>Yes, we are ALL special. In our own way. But the power elite who are now struggling to maintain their status among an increasingly discontent population will do whatever it takes to keep “the little people” down so they can continue to rise to the top. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I predict we will need a revolution of sorts before things change and before we can truly celebrate the uniqueness of each individual by implementing a more equitable system of “spiritual capitalism.” Our current system is simply unsustainable.</p>

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<p>I still think the article has a lot to take away, regardless of the economic situation. It’s a universal message, imo. In fact, it may be even more important when there are fewer spots at the top.</p>

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<p>If I’m misunderstanding, someone straighten me out. I don’t see how we can be selective in focusing on academic pushing. If there is some average quality of life to be appreciated, doesn’t it start at home- and early- in how the family itself operates? If you want your kid to appreciate swiming in a pond on a hot day, don’t you have to take him to a few ponds when he’s young, make it fun, get ice cream on the way home? Show him that you enjoy it, too? Do it often enough that it becomes the sort of choice he wants to make, as he grows older? You have to do more than back off on the kid being a banker, lawyer or doctor- you have to make those ordinary things satisfying, all along. </p>

<p>Isn’t this sort of like shutting the barn door after the cows left? If you want what the Joneses have, if you miss the small moments, the less expensive options, etc, if you indulge him, how do you later tell him that he doesn’t have to be aggressive to get all that for himself? I’m still thinking about my reaction here.</p>

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<p>I don’t think this is about ‘indulging’ versus not, or even pushing, versus not. I think it is about the message that the child gets (from parents, from other adults) about their specialness. You can inspire your child, motivate your child, have expectations for your child and enrich your child… but still not teach them to expect that the world is going to think them special. And still teach them to respect others- because I think part of thinking you are special, is also thinking you are somehow ‘better.’ </p>

<p>In my observation, sometimes teachers are guilty as well of enforcing the specialness of a student-- I can think of many awards ceremonies where teachers have gone on and on… and honestly, I think that they do it because then they are ‘special by association.’ Maybe that is a motivator for parents sometimes as well?</p>

<p>Donald Winnicott was a British Psychiatrist who coined the idea of the ‘ordinary good enough parent’- I think this concept is falling by the wayside as well…</p>

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<p>lookingforward-

</p>

<p>Yes, I think that is the part of the point. As with most things in parenting, our kids learn by example. It’s no coincidence that both of my grown children are avid hikers and backpackers. They’re father has shared his love of the outdoors with them since they were in diapers, carrying them in packs on his back though the Sierras. </p>

<p>I do feel, however, that it’s never to late to take a step back and evaluate our goals, to look at the direction we’re going and make sure that we’re not measuring our success by someone else’s standards. And also, the measure of a person is not his or her accomplishments, but his or her character. If we focus on character above achievement, it’s much easier to learn to appreciate the ordinary life, and to celebrate what makes each of us special.</p>

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<p>For some of us, learning to work toward our achievements is our greatest joy. My S’s practicing his violin when his friends were playing video games has given him a lifelong skill that gives him uncounted hours of pleasure. He does does not play well enough for a career, but well enough to play in the University symphony. It did take a little pushing to get him there. Never cared if he was a superstar. I saw he loved it, but young people may not be disciplined enough to go into a room and practice without support.</p>

<p>It was not important to my D and never made her practice.</p>

<p>However, I did support her many, many hours a week in the dance studio.</p>

<p>I am not sure this “pushing” is to achieve star status. Instead, I saw it as a way to train my kids to learn to work for their goals.</p>

<p>I have more pleasure from my job of teaching literature at the college level than I do for leisure activities. My parents did think my incessant reading odd. My dad always asked, “don’t you want to go bowling?” Well, no, I didn’t.</p>

<p>I grew up to love and value nature (untaught), hike (parents never did).</p>

<p>I think the main thing is not to dictate how a child wants to enjoy his/her life. If it’s having a low key live and swimming in a local pond, great. If it’s living in NYC and working frantically to support that life style, great.</p>

<p>One friend thought I “pushed” my kids, but their EC’s were always things they chose and still adore. Had it been otherwise, I would have adjusted my approach.</p>

<p>But I still think it’s a fantasy to think we can give this message of the “good, moderate life” to our kids and expect them to succeed in a global economy that will be staffed from people from different cultures who have been trained to work and then work some more.</p>

<p>It is not unthinkable that will be no careers for many of our kids.</p>

<p>My kids have graduated from college, and I do see what is happening.</p>

<p>We do often swim though!</p>

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<p>It seems to be ingrained from the start. Does anyone remember playing in the backyard all day or taking dance lessons with just a recital at the end, or playing on a neighborhood sports team where everyone got a trophy just for playing? It seems that when I put my kids in dance- to see if they liked it, eventually there was a competition. Ditto with horseback riding, sports, music… and so on. Everything was so competitive that the kid who is not fantastic at something but likes it just has to drop out along the way as they can not keep up.
I remember just riding a horse for the fun of it… not to be the best at it. I knew I would go to college and did not stress about being the best applicant ever- just the one that was good enough to get in…
I know that there is no way I would be accepted at my college now with the grades and stats I had then. And they were pretty good back then…I took the SAT one time- with no prep or stress- just got up one Saturday and took it along with everyone else in the same boat.
I just think it’s a whole new world out there. This board for one is an eye opener.</p>

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<p>Here’s a related post. I think a strong work ethic is very important, but so is a “holistic” view of what makes life worth it.[The</a> ‘Busy’ Trap - NYTimes.com](<a href=“http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/]The”>The 'Busy' Trap - The New York Times)</p>

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<p>Penny: I agree. I remember taking dance because it was fun- something I loved. At the end of the year we got our costumes and participated in a recital and it was wonderful. My oldest daughter started dancing at 3 and by the time she was 6 was competing. Over the years, I have witnessed kids who started dance probably because they liked it, end up dropping out because they felt only the competition team was important to the teacher.</p>

<p>I am sure this scenario is repeated in other activities. If I could go back, I am not so sure I would have encouraged my daughter to do dance competition. </p>

<p>Pcaz: very true.</p>

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<p>I wish I could “like” so many of the posts in this thread. Especially pennylane, who had the same college experience as I did - minimal stress, no prep, never thought I wouldn’t get into a good school - and mythmom, who really summed it all up.</p>

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<p>I suspect we’re all “preaching to the choir” here. We get it. Mine never won ballet awards, but their little recital photos are on the wall. </p>

<p>We do push our kids, academically. Not to win, but because they are capable and curious sorts. The idea was never to put them ahead of others, collect awards or ensure some level of future success- or to satisfy our own needs. We want them to see how their efforts pay off, in a very personal way. To let them learn what giving 100% (or occasionally 110%) feels like, sometimes from a grade, sometimes from the team experience- more often, just the satisfaction it can bring. We also encourage them to take odd classes in college, the sort that threaten gpas, (their gpas did suffer from those,) just for the interesting knowledge and new ways one is tested. That’s our “win.” And, theirs. </p>

<p>I understand the impact of the “global economy” and competition from others. But, we tried to teach them that being on that high pressure track and having that purchasing power doesn’t always lead to happiness, security, successful partnering. Or, whatever values they ultimately set. You don’t need to be “best,” you need savvy, confidence and resiliance, the ability to choose a goal and work toward it. You don’t need to be rich to have perks- you have to prioritize and find ways to experience what you want. You don’t have to sit in orchestra seats in NYC- sometimes, the peanut gallery works. Or, depending on circumstances, the less expensive trip to a local play. We made plenty of good memories. We let go, plenty of times.</p>

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<p>I’d like to add a beautiful quote on the value of the ordinary that I have posted on my desk at work and have often quoted in my home:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>It’s a great reminder that our “ordinary” efforts (though perhaps honesty is no longer quite so common) are quite valuable. Too many look to shove when a nudge will do.</p>