This will be a hard day

Parents Forum
1

<p>The results are now all in. D got into 6 schools with merit money, was waitlisted at 1, and denied at 4-- the waitlist and denials were the reaches. She has some very good choices, but still, she is feeling devastated, embarrassed and wounded. </p>

<p>Today will be the day all her peers are celebrating their impressive acceptances and decorating each other's lockers with the appropriate college logos. Most of them made it into one or two of these most hotly desired East Coast schools or U Chicago. One even got into basically all the Ivys. But my D did not, and she feels like a big loser. She looks at the selectivity ratings and judges herself by that. Her friend who doesn't even have stats as good as D's got into a school that admitted just 7% of applicants this year, while the most selective school D got into admits around 40%. </p>

<p>We keep trying to get her to see that she cannot judge her worth in this fashion, but the culture surrounding her makes that very, very hard. One of her friends was denied at every school except for one, which has a 27% acceptance rate. But even though D got into 6 good schools and got scholarships at most, she thinks she did worse than this friend because of the selectivity rating. </p>

<p>She also compares herself to us, judging herself a failure because Dad and Mom went to two of these more prestigious schools, including one where D was just denied. We try to get her to understand that it was a whole lot easier back then and that the school I attended was not nearly so competitive or so popular in my day. She actually did much better overall as a student than I did, and in a much harder school, but it's all so much more difficult now. I've been aching for her all night.</p>

<p>I know it's a life lesson and that she has to come to terms with the fact that, to quote from Joan Didion's essay On Self Respect, "lights won't always turn green" for her. But it is so hard to watch her pain and disappointment. She feels that her "best wasn't good enough" and it's really the peer comparisons that make it hurt so much. </p>

<p>To H and me it just seems so arbitrary and unfair. Yes, some of these kids are either somewhat stronger students or harder workers than D, and even she acknowledges that. She says that so-and-so "deserves it." But in other cases it's a mystery why a certain kid got into a certain school. No way is that kid more deserving or impressive than D, save for slightly better test scores. </p>

<p>And on that topic, I have another gripe. Who knows how many of these kids got themselves diagnosed so they could get extra time on the tests? We know that some of them did, in one case a kid who is quite brilliant but has emotional issues, doesn't get along with her peers and has trouble controlling her temper. As D said, why should something like that get her extra time on the tests? But it did, and she made it into a school where D was denied. I'm sure the extra points helped.</p>

<p>My D actually has a diagnosis that could have gotten her more time, but she refused because she didn't like the whole idea and didn't think she needed it. She did well enough (we thought) without the extra time, but I am certain she would have done better with it. Who wouldn't? To state the obvious, the playing field is anything but level.</p>

<p>Time to move on to choosing among her actual options. Unlike D, I know that they are not really "second rate schools." I have no doubt she will be fine and happy at any of them. I just had to get all this off my chest. One of the harder moments of parenthood.</p>

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<p>I think sometimes it is harder on the parents than the kids. She is resilient. This is what makes her tough. This is what helps her in the future. </p>

<p>Show her you love her, that your love and admiration is NOT dependent on her acceptances. And tell her over and over. Show her how to take it gracefully, and how to move on.</p>

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<p>thanks for that post. my sentiments exactly.My D is one of those quality people as well. Never took the easy way out, never played any game. She is an example at her school. Has leadership that she’s earned not by being popular but well liked, enthusiastic, and invested. She tried things out of her comfort zone for the intellectual challange of it.She is always helping someone do well. It’s hard not to sound bitter but kids who didn’t give anything were accepted to better schools and she is so sad and I am sad for her. Her stats were excellent, something didn’t gel. She was accepted to some schools but not her favorites, and she feels bad. She will be fine and when she feels better so will I. I told her it’s part of life, and to be grateful what what you have not what you don’t, but it’s a hard lesson for someone who is so worthy and truely a quality person. I’m not sure what to say to my next college kid, thank God I have a couple of years.</p>

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<p>My daughter has excelled as well with a disability, that she has never let stop her.</p>

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<p>Lisa, so hard to see your kid sad and disappointed.</p>

<p>In many ways, your D is going to take her cues from you over the next couple of days. I have a friend who met her husband at one of the 7-10% admit rate schools. They are active and generous alums (not 6 figure donors by any means, but they chair reunions, host parlor meetings, do the scut work of being an active alumni family.) D had the stats to be admitted to their school- not too much else, but for sure the numbers. (Val, NMS, worked her butt off without much time for any interests other than getting into parents alma mater.)</p>

<p>D applied early; deferred. Then rejected. Kid ends up in a fine college (who wouldn’t want the Val, NMS other than one of the top 15 “hard to get into” schools?)</p>

<p>Fast forward 6 years. Parents are still angry; kid is best described as a “late bloomer” or failure to launch type of adult.</p>

<p>I don’t mean to imply that this is the dynamic going on with you. But if your D picks up on your thoughts like, “But in other cases it’s a mystery why a certain kid got into a certain school. No way is that kid more deserving or impressive than D, save for slightly better test scores” than you all have a tough row to hoe. Princeton doesn’t admit kids on the basis of their test scores (just to pick a random “hard to get into” school). Yale doesn’t admit on the basis of who deserves to get in. Harvard doesn’t rank their applicants by “who is impressive”.</p>

<p>This is understandably disappointing. But to focus on who got extra time, who had slightly higher test scores, who is “deserving” is to do your D a major disservice. She has some great choices and if you can subtly remind her that there are kids out there suffering mightily today because they were denied at one of her options, that may help her regain perspective. She was deemed impressive and deserving at one of those schools- and maybe a kid who had much more to offer in other areas was rejected because their scorese were marginally lower than hers. You just don’t know.</p>

<p>You’ve got to get past thinking that because someone had extra time and got a few extra points that got them into a school where your D was not accepted. Is the playing field level? Absolutely not. An Intel winner gets forgiven for not taking French senior year (the rest need to have four years of foreign language). A Chopin competition finalist can get into HYP with a 660 math SAT. A kid who has already published an award-winning novel, or started an NGO to reduce low birth weights in India don’t need to obsess about whether to take calculus in order to show “most demanding curriculum”.</p>

<p>So no, not a level playing field at all. You apply, give it your best shot, and then move forward. Focusing on who had what and who gets what and how you all got cheated due to some extra SAT points sets your D up for a poor launching pad into adulthood. It is never a level playing field- not ever. The first time you see the bosses nephew get the promotion you deserved, or watch a dumb, shallow colleague get an industry award for the blind-luck of having been seated on a plane next to a CEO who then decided to give that dumb colleague a huge multi-million dollar contract… well, you get my point.</p>

<p>So take one more day to lick your wounds and then bake a cake decorated with the new colleges colors or motto and get going on the rest of your D’s life.</p>

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<p>I think the parental disappointment is what’s sometimes so hard for the kids. Although you are disappointed in the process, and not disappointed in her, she may not see that distinction right now.</p>

<p>Be cheerful and supportive. Let her vent her disappointment, but don’t encourage her feeling sorry for herself. She has 6 schools to choose from. Help her make the best choice she’ll be happy with next year.</p>

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<p>Exactly right. My D’s qualities as a person and a friend are extraordinary. Her emotional intelligence is off the charts. She is “the real deal” as her guidance counselor said, always being chosen to help the slower kids because, as one teacher said, “I have never seen any adult much less a teenager who was so skilled at helping another student without making that student feel bad or dumb.” One of her teachers said in her recommendation letter that my D was the kindest person she had ever met. Her counselor summed it up as “Big heart, big brain.” She was chosen as a Peer Leader at her school, which is a very selective program in which juniors and seniors teach a class of middle schoolers about social and emotional issues of adolescence. It’s those kinds of things that seem to be ignored by adcoms. She is also a strong student whose teachers consider her to have a subtle, discerning intelligence. She is eminently worthy and it will be one of the “lesser” schools that will be lucky enough to get her.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry your daughter is taking it so hard. It’s so hard being rejected, especially when people all around you are celebrating what you don’t have. I don’t think it’s productive to dwell on “why so-and-so got in, their grades aren’t that great” or “there’s no way his stats were better than mine.”</p>

<p>I mean . . . isn’t that just reinforcing the idea that you can reduce a human being into numbers and graphs? Who knows why one student got picked over another. Maybe it was just blind luck (good or bad luck depending on your point of view) or because one kid explained his grades were suffering because of a death in the family or because of a stellar essay or great letters of recommendation. You can wonder and guess, but in the end you still won’t know and you’ll drive yourself crazy in the process.</p>

<p>Not that I’m suggesting your daughter should just bounce back within five minutes of getting rejected by her reaches; that’s not human nature. It’s natural to be angry and hurt. Just keep reminding her she’s more than a number and there’s more to her being than “student of Blah Blah College.” She will eventually listen. :slight_smile: And she will be happy again. :slight_smile: Avoid the dissection of her peers. Would you want other parents complaining and comparing if your daughter had gotten into Selective Univeristy when their kid didn’t?</p>

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<p>I hear ya Lisa and then some…Seems like a lot of us have stellar daughters who are overlooked. This is why I’m so glad my own was willing to consider - and be accepted - into an all-women’s college. It was such a tough year to get into a “big name” school that in order to get a topnotch education, we had to be creative.
What’s weird is how these kids focus on the “selectivity” rates versus the outcomes of these schools. My D did the same thing yesterday and though I’ve explained as patiently as a I can that there’s a self-weeding out process to women’s schools and that only women who are serious about their schooling apply and less than half get in, she’s not buying it.
The way I’ve tackled it is to find out everything I can about the college. If there is ONE thing she can show to her peers about her school - its history, its famous alum, its national respect - that’s enough to stave off the jealousies. Order T-shirts. A car sticker. Go over the course catalog. Join the Facebook page. In a matter of days, the worst will have passed.
We all know that our daughters are going to do fabulously. With our support and enthusiasm they can’t help but succeed, right?
Go…them!</p>

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<p>Here is what I would point out to D if she were mine… </p>

<p>You will know exactly a handful of these people in five years. You will care about certain friendships and for others, it will be but a memory where you can barely remember their names. Their opinion of you can never define you and certainly your opinion of their opinion borders on ridiculous and she’s already proven she’s smarter than that! :)</p>

<p>This will sting most for about a week and then it might bug her slightly over the next month of graduation events and parties, but she does need to mourn a little bit. During that week you should pull every factoid of why X school is better than Y school etc so that when people ask her where she is going to school she has more to say in support of it than “…because I didn’t get in to elite such and such.” </p>

<p>She is going to really go on to do amazing things and HS is a huge memory but not very relevant except for telling horror stories to our own children about HS experiences. And that’s the bottom line. It does not define you. And neither does one rejection or 10!</p>

<p>Son has some friends that have told their classmates they were waitlisted but such a small school and parents being honest means they are actually just trying to save face when no one really cares.</p>

<p>My question would be to what kind of ritual is it to plaster lockers with college banners that essentially say “look at me, look at me.” Seems a little off-putting to me regardless of the school. I rather liked the ritual of posting rejection letters of one poster more. Our kids’ school has a map with pins of where kids are going, but only where they’re going not where they got in. Do they do ALL the schools or just where they are going and if it’s just where they are going, my son’s locker (which they don’t even use in their school) would be blank because he doesn’t have a clue.</p>

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<p>Blossom–amazing post, thank you.</p>

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<p>lisares - Two years ago my daughter also did not feel it was fair. She had 4.0, was admitted to the school’s most prestigious ECs (one for academic, and one for leadership). There was one girl having the exact same resume as my D1, just a bit better stats (almost rounding error), but had no friends or personality because all she did was to study. She got in to both HP, not my D1. There were kids that had a lot worse stats than her that got into schools she was waitlisted at - adcoms told our GC because they didn’t think our D1 would go, but let them if she should change her mind. At her first choice, they admitted only athletes.</p>

<p>D1 was a student in her HS that everyone assumed would be getting into all of those great schools, so it was doubly hard when she didn’t. She questioned her self worth, all the hard work she put in, was it worth it all. She was even concerned whether we were disappointed in her. She ended up going to one of those waitlisted schools and is very happy there. All the hard work, study skills, people skills she has mastered through out her life are paying off in college.</p>

<p>This is a tough month for many parents and kids, but we all make it through. I could tell by your post that you are a very supportive parent, and that’s all your D needs right now.</p>

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<p>Hugs to you and your daughter. I do know that I carry around my kids’ major disappointments longer than my kids do. You can’t help your emotions, but try not to keep bringing up the subject after your daughter has stopped. Let her mourn, but don’t help her wallow in it (unless, of course, both of you would feel better after polishing off several gallons of ice cream.)</p>

<p>They do call these types of things “character building” experiences for a reason. I’m not suggesting that you utter that phrase to your D, but in the future, know that she will be more empathetic and understanding than some of her peers.</p>

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<p>You know that this will have a lot more to do with her success in the future than what undergrad she attended.</p>

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<p>Focusing on how some of her peers are “less deserving” or insinuating that they are cheating the system is not productive. If she picks up on this attitude and starts projecting it at school, it will just make her look like a jerk.</p>

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<p>This puts it pretty well, in fact.</p>

<p>She got into six schools with scholarships? She should be celebrating her tremendous accomplishments right now!</p>

<p>If she really can’t get away from the selectivity issue (a poor proxy for just about anything), well, what about these scholarships? Okay, so 40% of applicants got into whatever school. What % of <em>those</em> got this scholarship? Not the best solution, because it’s still stuck in the selectivity-is-all mentality, but sometimes one has to make baby steps.</p>

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<p>It is tough for those kids who do not have the choices that their peers have. My son’s girlfriend was an excellent students with a profile that could have netted her a top school admittance, but it just did not last year. They had the legacy card, some contacts and did everything as well as they could. Lots of waitlists that she did not clear was the result, along with denials and only two acceptances, really both safeties for her statistically. So she chose one and is there. Excelling. Doing marvelously. And is applying to some schools as a transfer, but she says she wouldn’t really mind staying there and going to grad school at the big names. Because she has such a stellar college transcript and good reasons for transfer (wants bigger department in her major and more resources and research possibilities), I think she has a decent chance. Her attitude is wonderful.</p>

<p>Still it is is surprising to me that she did not get into some of those schools last year. It was truly a rough year and I understand that at the most selective schools, it’s even worse this year.</p>

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<p>At the end of the day, its just college. A privileged time to extend adolescence. Obviously rejection hurts, but the schools at issue in almost any light is the opportunity of a lifetime.</p>

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<p>Last year I was exactly where you are today. I remember the acute pain and sharp disappointment. My heart goes out to you both. I’m trying to think what anyone could have said to help me and my daughter feel better. There was truly no way anyone could excuse or explain the inexcusable, inexplicable results. Only the passage of time gradually eased the pain. My daughter was over it much sooner, so I feigned enthusiasm until I genuinely felt a glimmer of it.</p>

<p>Fast forward a year. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how my daughter would soar at the college she “ended up” at. Her best friend, who went to my daughter’s top choice school, is miserable and considering transferring. Another friend, who was attending a school that waitlisted my daughter, was overwhelmed by the academic demands, had to withdraw, and is home trying to regroup. Nothing to envy now. </p>

<p>It feels unfair because it is unfair, especially for someone as rare and good as your daughter. It’s the nature of the admissions process. My point is this. Keep going, keep moving forward, and you will see the tides of fortune turn. (No, I’m not wishing ill-fortune on your daughter’s classmates!) With all of your daughter’s gifts and blessings, she will be a stand-out, not only in college, but in life. It will happen. How could it not?</p>

<p>I will be thinking of you both as you live through these dark days. It might not feel like it now but the sun will shine again. Here’s a hug for your precious daughter. And one for you, too.</p>

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<p>On a lot of these threads, the thrill of getting in is tempered by the concern for their financial aid offers. So in truth there are a lot of kids who get in the prestigious university only to have to turn it down for their state flag or other scholarship/merit aid at another school. Happens all the time and it will all shake out in the wash.</p>

<p>I agree that life is not a level playing field. It just isn’t. And I think being resilient to this fact is truly the cornerstone of success.</p>

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<p>My suggestion is to focus on the schools she did get into, and talk them up. Look at their websites, compare the scholarships. Jump in the car (if feasible) and go visit a couple of them right away. Focus on the decision that she now has the opportunity to make. As for the schools where she was rejected, tell her that you prefer not to utter those names any longer.
For those parents who haven’t gone through this yet, you can prepare. When your child creates the list, your job is to talk up all the schools, especially the matches and the safeties. Try your best to fall in love with them yourself. Tell your kid how cool it would be to go there.</p>

20

<p>To Blossom & Modadunn: right on! This is painful and will hurt, but definitely longer for the parents than the student. </p>

<p>Lisares, by the middle of October your D’s disappointments will have begun to fade. If your D is anything like my S was, by the end of that first Christmas break she’ll be trying to remember why she missed all these high school friends in the first place. </p>

<p>Of course, that’s all irrelevant right now. </p>

<p>Dwelling on comparisons to classmates is human nature, it’s also self-defeating. But pinning your happiness on whether or not you would have picked up 10 or 20 more points if you’d only had more time is frankly insane. To put it bluntly, your D was rejected by 4 schools and WL’d at 1, do you really think a few more SAT points was the factor between rejection and waitlist? Would you or she be any happier if she’d been waitlisted at all 5 schools? I often think we do our kids a disservice by letting them to apply to more than 1 or 2 reach schools. It’s a lot easier to get over a couple of rejections than it is to get over 5. </p>

<p>Let her vent, let her cry and let her pout. But after a few days, if I were you I’d start emphasizing the subtle advantages of her schools. Maybe they have a great sports or arts program that she’s interested in, maybe her school is in a nice weather location and she needs to start worrying about a new wardrobe, or new snowboard, or new bicycle, or new iPhone, or laptop, or whatever. This isn’t about “retail therapy” it’s about reminding her of the upcoming adventure and getting her excited about the possibilities.</p>

<p>You don’t mention whether your D was an athlete, but the truly important lesson of athletics is not about winning, it’s realizing that you have to get right back up after a defeat. You can’t “un-lose” games, but you can win the next one. Losing stings, if it were me I’d let her wallow in her disappointment for a few days, but after that I’d remind her that her “next game” starts in late August at her chosen school.</p>

<p>Good luck and best wishes.</p>