How do you prepare for the "we are sorry"

Parents Forum
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<p>I agree with others who say that your daughter's list should contain at least one "safety" and one "likely"....you said that her list contains all competitive colleges; in the unlikely event that she's not accepted to any of her schools, what will be her back-up? She wouldn't want to find herself in April trying to find places that she can still submit apps to.</p>

<p>Thanks to CC, I was able to fully realize how competitive things were. I'd (of course) thought (before I discovered CC) that my D was brilliant, and agreed with all our friends and her teachers who said she'd get in anywhere she applied. When she wasn't accepted at MIT (note, I didn't say rejected), she was disappointed, but not surprised, because we saw what kind of competition she was facing....we made light of it in saying that it was THEIR loss.... The only school she applied to that she couldn't realistically imagine herself at was the one she applied to just to keep her loving parents quiet. </p>

<p>Some wise CC'er last year compared the uber-competitive schools to others as...would you rather be just one of the guests at the Ritz or a VIP at a Holiday Inn? It was an interesting way to think of it, and she went for the "Holiday Inn" when she made her decision. She's incredibly happy at her "likely"....she was in the nice position of having all the rest as "likelies" because of her scores/stats/etc; then it became a question of merit aid, the specific aspects of their honors program, and details about the programs offered for her intended majors. She has frequently said this fall that she cannot imagine being at a place that would be any more of a "match" for her.</p>

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<p>Sounds like her list isn't very balanced....not smart</p>

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<p>You can tell her that rejection is a part of aiming high. From what you've already told us about her, she could easily compile a list with no rejections, but that list wouldn't include the schools she wants most to attend.</p>

<p>In the college admissions game rejection is part of aiming high. My S got deferred (and ultimately rejected) at his ED school; it hurt. However, he got accepted at a more selective Ivy RD (which shocked us.) He decided he was mistaken in thinking the first school was the perfect fit, but he decided against attending the Ivy and is at a LAC instead. </p>

<p>The process, including the rejection, helped him find out a little more about who he is. His cousin told him, "Thank God I was rejected at Yale or I would never have come to Williams and had the core experience of my life." (She went on to attend Harvard Medical School.)</p>

<p>Rejection/Acceptance -- two sides of the same coin.</p>

<p>As Marite so wisely said, You can only attend one school. Some of those rejections make it a little easier to choose!</p>

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<p>DadII -- my daughter also applied to a list of colleges that were (for her) mostly reaches, only applying to the state U because I insisted. After it was all over -- and she did get accepted to several of the reach schools -- she told me that I had hurt her feelings by being so "pessimistic" -- she felt that I didn't have faith in her or didn't think she was smart enough for the top schools. Of course I only had wanted to protect her from disappointment by talking up the merits of her safety schools.</p>

<p>But maybe it is like that half-day of dreaming with the $1 lottery ticket (but fortunately with better odds!) -- too much reality spoils the fun of wishing and hoping; and maybe we have to be willing to let our 17/18 year old kids risk disappointment and experience it on their own. Yes it is painful -- but it is something that most will get over after a few days of wallowing in self-pity.</p>

<p>One advantage of the local state U. as a safety is that you can be sure that many other kids from your daughter's school will be headed that way in the fall -- so they will usually be able to share with friends in the anticipation and planning of their next step. </p>

<p>So maybe the best thing you can do is make a file where you keep the mail and brochures of the more interesting and exciting things about the state U, such information about their honors program or special research opportunities for top students -- or information that simply looks like something that would appeal to your daughter because of her interests -- and be prepared with that information down the line if you need to help her work up enthusiasm for the safety. But for now, let her have her hopes and dreams. </p>

<p>(On the other hand, it was more fun for ME when my daughter actually got accepted to schools I thought would reject her. I think I liked having such a pleasant surprise -- especially when when she received so many fat envelopes. )</p>

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<p>Mythmom, thank you. This line of yours "she could easily compile a list with no rejections, but that list wouldn't include the schools she wants most to attend." makes perfect sense and it will be much easier for me to talk to her this way. </p>

<p>Calmom, I hope I will be so lucky as you did. I did made her apply to three schools - Harvard, Vanderbilt and State U. She picked Duke, WashU and Cornell herself. The other two were for her "best friend".</p>

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<p>Marite wrote:
[quote]
You can only attend ONE college.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I've heard it said also: "With one rear end, you can't dance at two weddings."</p>

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<p>Dad II: Our oldest daughter -- currently a college sophomore -- had an amazing “resume” with achievements encompassing academics, athletics, and music. From the beginning of the application process, I tried to gently make sure she realized several things (many of which have been pointed out by others on this thread) even as we proceeded:* First, I explained that in many cases, a few recent college grads pulling all-nighters to review thousands of applications that essentially look alike would be creating each new freshman class... and that her credentials simply got her into the lottery. Nothing more.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>I pointed out that she’d be fortunate to be accepted by even one of the non-safety schools she was applying to and that the “worst” problem she should ever have was being forced to decide among two or more.</p></li>
<li><p>Rejections were not about her and didn’t negate all she’d achieved to this point. I told her to think of the application as an advertisement she was creating to draw attention. And that most of the ads looked quite similar (e.g. lots of students with straight A averages taking tough courses).</p></li>
<li><p>I showed her at least one study and several carefully selected articles that all got the same point across – the college she attended wouldn’t ultimately determine her success.</p></li>
<li><p>It was noted that her degree would likely be most important for her first job offer – and thereafter no one would pay attention.</p></li>
<li><p>Finally (and this was a personal one), I pointed out that the only reason we could afford to pay for the schools she aspired to was because I had become successful after attending State & local university systems for both my undergrad & grad degrees.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>In the end, she received a full academic scholarship to her safety, and the acceptances & rejections reflected what I’d told her. For instance, Brown’s acceptance rate that year was 13% (she was accepted), and U Penn’s acceptance rate was over 30% (she was rejected). </p>

<p>And, of course, I was relieved. Because the entire time I was trying to soften any potential blow, as a parent, I still would have been devastated if she was unhappy. But to paraphrase what my own father pointed out: “If she gets rejected by every school she applied to, it will be good for her – builds character.” I couldn’t disagree there. It certainly made a difference for me.</p>

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<p>DD's apps truly reflected who she was, they were very her- the one top 5 school which "denied" her, must have not been a very good fit, as they could see precisely who she is from her essays and info, therefore if they did not see her fitting in she probably would not have fit in there. No rancor, no histrionics, just an "oh well"</p>

<p>That's the way to look at it, you're not just trying to get in, you're looking for a fit, truly reflect all that is special about you in your essay, choose the options wisely for applications and you'll get in where you belong.</p>

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<p>I think it's great that you're considering how your D might accept a rejection letter. Her strategy was to apply to a state U (already admitted) and many selective schools where she was indicated a "match" but given the numbers of their applications, every match is, in a way, also a reach. Therefore, at least one rejection letter is virtually guaranteed to occur! She didn't create a gray-range list with lots of safeties and low matches. So a rejection letter is a reality to face, and smart of you to consider in advance. </p>

<p>First, the only thing to be truly upset about is if ALL the rest on her list reject her. As long as one takes her (in addition to the state U acceptance in-th-bag), her mission is accomplished and she has a real choice.</p>

<p>Sometimes I ask questions on behalf of my kids, when in fact I'm the one who needs to reflect and plan how to react well. </p>

<p>You can't predict the sequence of these RD notifications; they come near but not exactly on the same day. So if the first comes in "No" or "Waitlist" you might want to practice your lines and body language like a stage actor! Super neutral and controlled; "ah well, that's just the first one, let's see what tomorrow brings" (as compared to the over-the-top rant, "WHAT?! aRE THEY CRAZY? How dare they?" etc. She might take her cues from you, and you can play an important leadership role here . Calm response to the first letter or two will get her through the entire week of learning aboiut what they ALL have to say. </p>

<p>Sometimes kids think the first being a rejection is a harbinger of things to come, but usually it isn't. </p>

<p>You have a high achieving D, with a family who understands and extols great achievements. You could even say that the week in April will be a time when you will ALL learn to accept "some" amount of rejection together, as it is part of life. Pull together and don't accuse any school of being terrible for rejecting her. Be honest with feelings, "I'm disappointed, too.." immediately followed with hopeful messages, "but let's see what tomorrow brings."</p>

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<p>As a senior facing a potential rejection in a few weeks, I've been thinking about how I'll feel a lot. I have to say, don't do the "You'll get over it, there are other good schools, you'll be happy eventually no matter where you end up" approach. I once read in a book that when a teenager breaks up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, they don't care about "the other fish in the sea". All they want is that one fish, and telling them that eventually they won't be in mourning anymore won't make them any less unhappy at the present time. Certainly don't force your daughter or son to start focusing on other colleges, either. Give them some time. I think I'd have to advocate just being caring and treading lightly. Buy me a tub of chocolate ice cream, put your arm around me, and watch my favorite show with me. I'd want to be distracted, if only for a little bit, just to let the pain ease.</p>

<p>However, hopefully you know your senior well enough that you'll know what they in particular want. You could even ask them to think about how they'll feel if they do get rejected, and what they want you to do to help make them feel better.</p>

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<p>Last April the seniors at my daughter's pressure-cooker high school brought in all their rejection letters and posted them on a wall. Then other kids would take a pen and write, "I got one of these too!" So along with the disappointment, the kids also had the sense that they were not alone. My daughter took the rejections in stride. She knows it's a number game for the most part. And having a couple of surefire acceptances, including a full-tuition scholarship, also eased the sting quite a bit. I think these kids are stronger than we give them credit for. I took the rejections harder than she did! Best of luck to your daughter!</p>

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<p>It is never easy to be rejected. My D knew that she could be rejected from some of the schools she picked. When she did get waitlisted at 2, she was disappointed. However, the adcoms seemed to know what they were doing, because those 2 schools were on the very bottom of her list by the time April 1st rolled around. Even though she no longer wanted to attend either school, it still stung to be "not accepted." However, she got over it pretty quickly.</p>

<p>I told my D right from the beginning: If you can't stand the heat, don't even go into the kitchen! Applying to selective schools is a crap shoot. Acceptance is never a sure thing. There are far too many apps from outstanding students, so the adcoms are left to put together a sufficiently diverse class & reject/waitlist plenty of deserving kids. It's just the way it goes.</p>

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<p>thisspartaaa---thanks for the perspective. As parents, it's really hard to see our kids face disappointments. Thanks for the reminder that we can't always make things "all better" by what we say. I like your point of view!</p>

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<p>Honestly, I think my son was better prepared than I was. But we both knew that the odds for half the schools he applied to were pretty low. One of his safeties did essentially have rolling admissions and he knew he was in before Thanksgiving. So that made it all a bit easier.</p>

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<p>MPNSoft-I have not even replied to DadII, but I wanted to tell you your post could either be the forward to a more lengthy book on the Sane Guide to College Admissions or a small, words of wisdom book to give to any high school student/parent in the midst of this process. I am printing your post for our twins- who can use a healthy dose of caring, realistic affirmation right now.</p>

<p>Many, many thanks!</p>

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<p>I guess the best thing a parent can do is to orchestrate visits, research etc to not allow senior year to become "the year of magical thinking." The thing you can do to protect your son or daughter most? Submit applications to schools that are true matches and devote yourself to visiting them and becoming attached to them. It is easy to attach to a prestige fantasy name school but emotionally attaching to truly worthy match colleges takes intentional behavior and effort and maturity and a balanced ego.</p>

<p>That is where you can step in and make sure classes are visited and your child visualizes themselves finding a niche at the match college, being successful and garnering support for grad school and making great friends. It is not a fallacy to teach your child that the faculty in a school in the 25-50th ranks...has faculty just as wonderful as the faculty at the prestige name colleges...we are so blessed in this country with great teachers at the college level.</p>

<p>It can be such a great year to share with your hard working and budding adult son or daughter, and I wish all of you the very best in April. Our son had admission to a couple reaches that were surprises..big ones, but he had expected to be waitlisted at them. Despite the rational part of his brain recognizing he could be waitlisted at his reaches, our son still got his feelings hurt and was blue for a day when his biggest crush school waitlisted him. In retrospect, we think getting your feelings hurt is a good thing to have happen in life...and as parents we didn't step in and protect. The odds were always that he would be waitlisted..as they are for many valedictorians with perfect scores (not him, by the way) at the big reaches..but somehow he had a little "magical thinking" going on with a crush school.
But what good is it being 18 if you don't have crushes?</p>

<p>I think it is a lot to expect of someone 18 to be entirely rational. Just applying to six colleges and making certain you can be happy at any of them...feels like stringing along six girlfriends, four of whom you might have a future with and one you take for granted... and another possible paramour who is too elusive/out of your realm of experience for your own good and you may be pursuing for not entirely rational reasons. </p>

<p>I found as a parent that the best thing I could do was to make sure my son treated each future college home with great respect and appreciation no matter what. Court your match colleges, and make sure to give each of them some true affection and all will be well. Focus on how that match school WANTS your kid..and that can feel very good.</p>

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<p>There are millions of kids in your daughter's situation, each and every year. Its a stressful time. We went through it last year with our oldest and it was an incredible learning experience, fraught with tears, disappointment, joy, surprise, and frustration. The admissions process is IMPERFECT. Its not YOU, its the process. DRILL THAT INTO YOUR DAUGHTER's HEAD early and often. </p>

<p>My Daughter had her heart set on a prestigious, small, and incredibly selective southern school. She attended their summer program and performed with amazing results. But we needed financial aid to attend there and they are not needs blind. We were rejected. First came shock, then tears, then outrage with churned to a boiling point as we learned that kids with lower scores, kids who had misbehaved in the summer program, and others without my D's qualifications had been accepted there. Even phone calls did not help. It was an Epiphany. BUT.....both of us parents quickly turned to the "list" and started scrambling and going to work...and making HER focus on the list and getting in the applications to other schools. Then came good news of scholarships and acceptance letters...and in the end, in April of 07 we were faced with several hard choices of where to accept and where to politely and graciously decline. We visited 4 more college campuses and honed in on the "fit" issue.....speaking with administrators, hour long (or more) sessions with likely professors, and then random students in dorms, in the cafeterias, on the lawn or "mall" etc. We split up even to get a unique perspective and see if the "answers to our questions" changed. We narrowed it down to two colleges and then made our final choice. She has not looked back. It was the right choice. </p>

<p>The moral to the story? First, prepare yourself for all of the above. Even if you get into your dream school, some of your closest friends may not and sometimes friendships are broken over it as people react to the news in a variety of way. Second, make certain you have a solid list of colleges that first and foremost FIT your daughter academically, socially, financially, geographically etc. Embrace your match and safety schools because they will likely be your admission tickets and offer you the most money. And dont be afraid to acknowledge that sometimes going to a lower ranked school is really for the best. Prestige is not all its cracked up to be. Admissions selectivity is an ADMISSIONS qualifier, not necessarily an ACADEMIC qualifier...you can get just as good an education at lower ranked schools, though the elites will try and convince you otherwise.</p>

<p>My D is at a match school. When we were on campus, it initially was much lower on her preference list, but those two days were absolutely killer and she said on the plane ride home, "THIS IS ME...I want to go HERE!" And all those tears and pain were washed away. We feel like that rejection sort of did us a favor, painful as it was. </p>

<p>And sometimes kids who get into the elites or dream schools find out its not such a good fit afterall....for a variety of reasons...particularly if they picked that school solely because of prestige, without looking a little deeper into its campus culture and so forth.</p>

<p>And finally, there are many schools that will admit you NEXT YEAR, if you didnt quite make it this year. They want a year of "prove yourself" grades at another school, and sometimes they can wink at your scores as transfer students. I dont recommend that "plan of action" but its out there for kids who for example need to go to UVa or UNC or a superb state school with cheap tuition but dont get in the first time around. </p>

<p>As a father, your role, DADII, is to be a Rock of Gibraltar. Brace yourself. Even though you will feel like punching someone when a rejection letter comes in, you must be comforting for her, give her a day or two (at MOST) to grieve, then get to work on the match and safety schools. If you have compiled an accurate list and reasonable list, you will end up like we did...with SEVERAL choices come April....and having to choose between some fine schools....by May 1. </p>

<p>And for a very final note, we took an approach like this: We did not whine and complain. We were stoic in public. Then for the schools that did accept her and declined, we wrote GRACIOUS letters to them and THANKING them for their generous offers of admission. In two cases, we received PERSONAL letters in return, BOTH of whom said, "we would welcome you back here at any time, simply call us and we will reinstate your admissions without any further paperwork and reinstate our scholarships and financial aid." Being gracious and kind always brings good things.</p>

<p>For a waitlist school, we also received a letter saying, "We STRONGLY encourage you to reapply next year. We recognize your talents and ability and believe you would do very well at our university."</p>

<p>Best of luck to you. I sincerely hope you dont have the tears and frustration we did, but reality suggests otherwise for most families, often for dream schools. But if you know your schools and embrace them, everything will work out for the best. My daughter is happier than a lark in spring and doing VERY, VERY well.</p>

<p>God Bless.</p>

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<p>Let her know that whatever happens was meant to be. I'm from Ireland and I got into my dream university, when I first left school and it SUCKED.MAJOR.ASS. I had never been a room with so many negative, bored, uninterested people in my entire life. I stuck it out for a year and that year the uni received the "Uni of the Year" award. </p>

<p>I changed to a private school in another city, with a much smaller class and fell in love with it. I graduated last year and am applying to US colleges to complete my degree next fall.</p>

<p>It's gonna be hard because rejection is everyone's greatest fear. But don't accept rejection. It's nothing personal and thousands of kids are in the same boat. There's always a safety school and she can transfer.</p>

<p>But just think instead and generate this thought: what would we do if we knew we wouldn't fail?</p>

<p>She's not rejected unless the letter in her hands says otherwise. There's always another route.</p>

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<p>Dad II: I'm glad you care. My dad could care less.</p>

<p>My mom just keeps telling me every single school I apply to (including UCB, UCLA, USC) will accept me. It's nice of her to try to boost my spirits but I'm out of state and, although I'm a pretty high achiever, I'm thinking I'll win that 2k dollar bet.</p>

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<p>Maybe you shouldn't be prepared..maybe you should just do it, fail, wallow in self-pity about it, accept it and THEN move on...if everything happens for a reason, then there is some wisdom to be gained in getting rejected...(just trying to see it in a positive - very positive - light)</p>