<p>I think one useful trick is to help your D really visualize herself being happy at some of her less selective schools <em>before</em> the letters come. This is something I use on myself a lot, actually: I imagine what my life would be like, how I would go through my day, what kind of fun and success I could have, at a third- or fourth-choice school. This helps me keep my perspective when I start to freak out. (I'm applying to PhD programs, not college, but I think it would work for younger people too.)</p>
<p>I like what catfishin said: "Embrace your match and safety schools." There it is.</p>
<p>I have a story for you/her My sil was dead set on attending a certain highly selective California school. She had the grades, the scores, what she thought was the whole package. On the advice of her guidance counselor she also selected a safety. When she got the skinny envelope from her first choice she was devestated and she still to this day counts it as one of the most salient experiences of her life.</p>
<p>Four years earlier a young man had tried out for the freshman baseball team at his Catholic prep school. He was cut and to this day counts it as one of the most salient experiences in his life. When his Sr. year approached rather than attending the local community college to continue to play baseball as he had once planned, he applied and was accepted to the same safety as my SIL. They met her sophomore year, fell in love, married and have been together ever since.</p>
<p>This Thursday they served Thanksgiving dinner to their extended family of 30+ people and anxiously waited to recieve word from the six schools their Sr. son has applied to. The most significant and disappointing events in their young lives created the situation that allowed this family to even exist. </p>
<p>The point...things happen for a reason and every turn...weather it was on the map originally or not, can lead you to a wonderful, beautiful and fulfilling life.</p>
<p>"I think one useful trick is to help your D really visualize herself being happy at some of her less selective schools <em>before</em> the letters come."</p>
<p>I like this advice a lot. We lucked into this one. My D was invited to spend a weekend with some older high school friends, then in college, during the fall of her Junior year. We didn't really consider this a college visit, but rather, a fun glimpse into college life. </p>
<p>A year later, this has become her safety school, and she is CERTAIN she could be happy there. She has friends, knows the coach for her sport, and has watched some of the older kids graduate from this school and successfully apply to grad schools. </p>
<p>I'm planning to let my younger kids do casual visits to a number of colleges early on, before they become too engaged in overthinking the college selection process, and I will be working to make sure they visit true safeties among the bunch, so that they will fall in love with sure things, as well as the elusive reaches.</p>
<p>It's tempting to made serious visits only to the reaches, but may not allow the kid to connect with schools over a range of selectivity.</p>
<p>I guess we're a really strange family in that neither of my kids (including the senior) have ever gotten fixated on a single school. At this point, they really don't know if they want small, big, medium, urban, rural, elite, public, etc. We've done a fair amount of visits. D1 has overnighted with friends who have older siblings at several schools. But the obsession with one particular school has failed to materialize. So maybe we're lucky but it has meant an awful lot of applications this fall. Spring should be pretty interesting when it's time to make a decision. Also, my D fully expects lots of rejections -- thus the large quantity of applications. I think her main concern is to have the stamina to apply to as many great schools as possible so that she doesn't look back and wish she had tried harder. That's the big concern right now. Endurance. Not rejection. Rejection is a given.</p>
<p>As a student who will soon definitely receive those letters, I think you should belabor the point that you will be tolerant and supportive if he or she must go to a safety school. My parents not only allow me to go to a local state school, but have expressed a keen desire for me to do so (to stay close to home). I cannot tell you how much stress this relieves, as though I still want to go to a reach school, I know that only one of the three of us will be disappointed if I get rejected.</p>
<p>I think to some extent the student wants to go to the "prestigious" school for their parents. All of the high-achiever's accomplishments and talents indubitably manifested itself into huge expectations from the parents, yet the student is the one with the weight of the stress. </p>
<p>Even though my parents will never admit it, I know they will be very proud and brag endlessly if I got into a known school. This in part motivates me, as it does with many, I'm sure. I think you should definitely make the point that for you, as parents, the school does not matter, and you will be equally as proud.</p>
<p>mammall...I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's kind of ironic that my SIL and I just had that conversation on Friday at her house and then this thread popped up over the weekend. Thanks for letting me know.</p>
<p>By JANE GROSS
Laurence Neron-Bancel is prepared for good news or bad with a bottle of Champagne chilling in the refrigerator. At the appointed hour, her son Timothee will sign on to the Cornell University Web site and find out if he has been accepted, rejected or deferred as an early-decision applicant. Whatever the result, the cork will pop.</p>
<p>''If he gets in, we'll celebrate,'' Mrs. Neron-Bancel said. ''If not, we'll get drunk.''</p>
<p>Her candor was greeted with laughter yesterday at the Lyc</p>
<p>At most every college in the United States there are people with uber stats: 2300+ SAT's and 700+ SATII's and 4.0 uw GPA's. Its a myth that all these brilliant kids attend only the super elites and Ivy's. They don't. You see them at all kinds of schools: first tier, second tier, third tier, state schools and privates. </p>
<p>while i was fortunate enough to get into all my schools, i almost think that was more difficult than getting rejected! i had it down between my absolute dream/reach/out-of-the-question for an OOS student UVa and my safety/in state flagship Mizzou. eventually she'll only be able to go to one school, and one of my friends gave me a great piece of decision making advice:</p>
<p>for me, UVa was incredible validation. after all, i had a solid piece of evidence that i worked hard enough to get into one of the hardest schools out there! but realistically, it just wouldnt work out. it makes so much more sense for me to go to my in state school for undergrad and go somewhere pricey for grad school. </p>
<p>tell her, but don't lecture her, that college is what you make it. she is in charge of her destiny and her education and career from this point forward, so if she ends up having to "settle" for something less than her top choice school, suggest that she takes this as a fun, creative challenge to find the best way to turn the school she's going to into the school she's always dreamed of.</p>
<p>Actually, some of the most over-the-top obsessive parent posting on CC is good therapy for me. It grosses me out and keeps me in check . . . at least for a while. BalletGirl, all I can say is wait until you have kids. And yeah -- the Andison saga was a tad strange.</p>
<p>Dad II, I loved your response to her in your OP, ie are YOU comfortable, will YOU have any regrets. By focusing on her expectations you freed her from the pressure of living up to external parental expectations. For many children the pressure to please parents is much greater than the pressure to please themselves.</p>