How involved are you in helping your kid choose a major?

Parents Forum
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<p>Ok, first I have to say that this site has been quite enlightening! As the daughter of Chinese immigrants, I have to confess that the first time I realized that people actually chose their own college majors was when I was in my 20s (!). I kid you not: when my boss told me about his son majoring in liberal arts, I almost blurted out "You're letting him do that?" (my Dad was, and still is, particularly fond of saying how useless the liberal arts are, and it somehow subconsciously seeped into my brain despite my love for reading, psychology, history, and other "useless" pursuits!). </p>

<p>Anyway, now I need a little advice from all of you wise parents. I have two nieces (age 8 and 11), both very bright. My brother is taking the same line as my parents by telling them they can only major in engineering or medicine. He even got them little electronic lab kits from Radio Shack to play with. (I doubt they're out of the boxes yet, though. Right now, the nieces seem to like playing with my makeup more than the lab kits.) From my experience, engineering is hard enough as it is when you're interested in the material. When you hate it like I did, it's excruciating. I think that pressuring them like this is wrong and that (1) they're too young to be focusing on this stuff anyway and (2) they should be allowed to explore their own interests. I say "they should do what makes them happy." Bro says "if they go for the money, then they'll be happy."</p>

<p>I don't want my nieces to end up dealing with a quarter-life crisis like I did. What say you? Should I say something (and if so, to whom)? Should I just butt out and forget about trying to be the "cool" aunt?</p>

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<p>Not at all.</p>

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<p>Very little. I pass along info that I hear, but his choice of major is up to him.
My mother badgered me into switching from what I wanted to major in. She thought I'd never get a job with it. It ends up that what I would have majored in would have matched my career and other options far better than what she badgered me into majoring in. So, I say, leave those decisions up to the students. Offer info, but let them make the decision.</p>

<p>I also don't think that going for the money makes people happy. Money isn't what inspires me or makes me happy at all. I also have seen research that says the same. Finding a career that one loves and that one can use one's talents in , having supportive family and friends, contributing to society, those are what makes most people happy.</p>

<p>I'd rather be doing something I love than being a multimillionaire working in a field that doesn't interest me.</p>

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<p>unfortunately, he's been raised to be an independent thinker, so he listens not.</p>

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<p>Same as bluebayou here.</p>

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<p>Because I was raised with the mindset of major in something that you could get a job when you graduate (and never worked one day in my major), I told my D study what ever you are interested in and passionate about.</p>

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<p>Groovegirl: Thought you would get a kick out of this: <a href="http://caltech.edu/commencement/05/loh_speech.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://caltech.edu/commencement/05/loh_speech.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>It's a very amusing speech given by Sandra Tsing Loh at Caltech. My favorite line: "I went into the liberal arts, which to a Chinese father, is like pole dancing."</p>

<p>To answer the question, I certainly bought him educational toys: piles of dinosaur related books and items for the budding paleontologist, electronic wiring kits for the future engineer, build-a-robot kits etc., math puzzle books and chemistry sets. Who knew he'd decide that reading Dante in Italian was what he wanted to do in college? His major will be his choice. The one thing we are doing is encouraging him to continue to pursue math, which he enjoys and is good at, as a minor. Encouraging, not dictating. Your brother should encourage and support the genuine interests of his children as they grow older, not try to make them fit a preset mold.</p>

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<p>You are asking two different questions.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>As to my kid's major: we were not involved in his choice of major. Actually, there wasn't much doubt anyways, he has been interested in airplanes for many years (I guess we were involved in the sense that we encouraged him in this interest when he was younger).</p></li>
<li><p>What can you do? (I'll bet that you already are the "cool aunt". :) )</p>

<p>a. You can maintain and cultivate your relationship with your nieces. Not for any specific, college-related reason, but just out of love, obviously, and to give them a source of unconditional acceptance and empathy. It sounds like that will come in handy.</p>

<p>b. You can reflect on your own experience, think about what you really could have used from an adult when you were growing up, and try to provide that or some of that to your nieces. </p>

<p>c. You can keep your eyes open, so that when a niece starts tentatively or consistently to express an interest in something, you can be helpful in cultivating that interest. For example, if they express an interest in (god forbid :)) theatre, take them to a show and/or otherwise encourage and accept that interest.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>No doubt you and other posters can think of other ideas.</p>

<p>I would not recommend discussing your views with your brother. Of course, you know your brother better than I do, but my general experience is that people do not take well to others pointedly attacking their methods of parenting or what they think to be important for their children. </p>

<p>Rather, I think your best approach is just to do as much as you can to offer your nieces what you think they will need. Your brother is the parent, you are an aunt. A little mantra about sports comes to mind:</p>

<p>Players play.
Coaches coach.
Officials officiate.
Stick to your own part of the game.</p>

<p>Here, it sounds like you can be quite helpful indeed just being yourself, just being a beloved, cool aunt. Your ongoing relationship with your nieces is the most important and influential gift you can offer them, thing you can do for them. Spend as much time as you wish and can with them. Make certain that you don't jeopardize your access to them or your relationship with them in a no doubt vain effort to persuade your brother to changes his entire view of the world.</p>

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<p>"Encouraging, not dictating. Your brother should encourage and support the genuine interests of his children as they grow older, not try to make them fit a preset mold."</p>

<p>I agree, but I fear that he's doing the same dictating to his kids that our father did to us. He believes that encouraging his kids to follow a path that doesn't lead to "guaranteed" employment is irresponsible. Well, in these times, nothing's guaranteed!</p>

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<p>My D, a freshman, is planning on majoring in Classics. When people ask me what she plans to do with a "useless" major like that, I say "anything she wants". My undergraduate degree is in Biology, my M.A. is in Art History and I have a career in the rare book world. I had no idea when I was in college that this is where I would wind up. Life is full of all sorts of twists and turns - students should study what they love. If that happens to lead to a lucrative career, wonderful. But your brother saying "if they go for the money, then they'll be happy"...well, it ain't necessarily so. Money is a good thing, but it's not the key to happiness.</p>

<p>That said, I think it's a little early for you to be talking specifically about this matter. Your nieces will hopefully express their own views on this as they move into their teenage years. ADad gives good advice about being a sympathetic ear and a source of advice should they need it. You sound like a very caring aunt.</p>

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<p>"That said, I think it's a little early for you to be talking specifically about this matter."</p>

<p>I agree it's far too early, my brother who's dictating their college and career paths right NOW! I feel like I should do damage control or something. ;) Maybe it's because I see so many of my own experiences being repeated when I see them interacting with their parents?</p>

<p>But everyone here is right. I should just be there for them, listen to them, maybe even show them that there are alternatives. We're a closely-knit family, so there are some benefits (and obvious downsides! ;) ).</p>

<p>Thanks for all the input!</p>

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<p>GrooveGirl, I think you've got the right idea about what you should do. You sound like a great aunt!!</p>

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<p>As opposed to a "Great Aunt" :)</p>

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<p>My primary role was in trying to make sure he wasn't choosing his major (Engineering) because of parental expectations. My husband is an Engineer whose philosophy on this issue is one I always sum up as "My son should major in <em>whatever</em> he wants. Whatever type of Engineering that is." ;)</p>

<p>My son has always been math/science oriented and decided he wanted to major in Engineering. But I worried that it might consciously or unconsciously be to please dad. So I encouraged his other interests (he was a standout in History/politics type things), talked about careers that might fit that, etc. I did NOT discourage the Engineering - just tried to broaden the horizons.</p>

<p>In the end, I feel confident that he really, truly wants the Engineering. Because that major was eliminated from his beloved school post-Katrina. And he could have stayed at Tulane simply by changing majors, which both DH and I encouraged him to consider. Further, while he has done quite well in almost all of his college science, math and Engineering classes, he has struggled in one or two. So both DH and I again encouraged him to think about whether the major is for him. He doesn't want to change - to me, that makes it clear that it is his own choice.</p>

<p>What does all of this mean for you? Pretty much what ADad said - you can be the aunt who nurtures all of their interests - whether science-y/math-y or otherwise. And - you have plenty of time. Don't worry about anything other than being the good fun aunt who shares lots of different interests with them until they are well into high school. When it comes to college selection, if they head off to schools with both tech and non-tech majors, there will be plenty of time for them to explore then. They will be old enough to make their own decisions once they are in college. And although it will be difficult in your culture, to buck their father's preferences. IF they need support in that, you can help then.</p>

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<p>To answer the OP's question (which I didn't do before), my husband and I are NOT involved at all in our children's choice of majors.</p>

<p>We are both attorneys, and when our kids were younger, we used to be pretty adamant that they were NOT going to be lawyers. But we've relaxed and grown up a bit ourselves, and realized that it's THEIR lives and THEIR choices that will make them happy. So if they do go to law school, more power to them.</p>

<p>I'm a strong believer in "Choose something you love to do, and you'll never work a day in your life."</p>

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<p>"I'm a strong believer in "Choose something you love to do, and you'll never work a day in your life.""</p>

<p>I really like this attitude. It sure beats "everyone hates working anyway, so you might as well pick something that pays the most." Unfortunately, that's the attitude I seem to be surrounded by!</p>

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<p>My parents didn't blanch when I essential majored in art. And I certainly won't dictate my kids' majors. That said, as an aunt, there is a limit to what you can do. I'd talk frankly to your brother about your experiences hating being pushed into engineering IF you can do it without lecturing him about his own parenting. Otherwise I think your best bet is to be a loving aunt that encourages any interests that your nieces seem to be developing. I gave my oldest niece real art supplies, her younger sister horsey stuff, because those were their passions. It won't hurt your kids to play with electronics kits too. A good aunt is a godsend. I had one who was wonderful and lived near my college to boot.</p>

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<p>"I really like this attitude. It sure beats "everyone hates working anyway, so you might as well pick something that pays the most." Unfortunately, that's the attitude I seem to be surrounded by!"</p>

<p>You see a lot of that in the legal profession. I am fortunate in that I'm in the legal analysis and publishing field, which I love. My husband, on the other hand, has his good days and bad days regarding his law practice. Given the chance to do it all over again, I doubt that he would have gone to law school.</p>

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<p>Our involvement is as research assistants :-) Youngest isn't sure what she wants to major in so when an idea interests her, we do some research & point her in that direction so that she can be informed. Other than that it's up to her.</p>

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<p>D had about five potential majors. We kicked around pros and cons. She just slid into a pair of them by taking classes she liked, eliminating another along the way. I still don't think she's the prototypical Math major but she's doing fine with it and his happy and it's working well in synch with her non-Math interests.</p>

<p>The cultural prejudices towards engineering and medicine are a hard nut to crack with any kind of sensitivity. I think they're, ah, in error. ("Wrong" just sets up too many defenses.) And I think they can be very damaging towards some students. LOL at the equivalence of liberal arts and pole dancing.</p>

<p>The subject very quickly gets tangled up with notions about "prestige" as well, with ignorance and/or disdain of LAC's, be they Amherst or Swat, Wellesley or Smith. </p>

<p>There are many roads to honorable success and not all run through a pair of professions or a handful of universities. And while often the walker chooses the path, sometimes the path chooses the walker. (shamelessly cribbed)</p>