How is this essay idea?

College Essays
1

<p>I don't need it proofread or anything, but basically I want to know if you think this idea would fly with admissions at places like Oberlin, Macalester, or possibly Yale. </p>

<p>Here's the essay:</p>

<p>There were only three people in front of me. The line dwindled as the cashier next to us shouted, "Can I help whoever's next?" and further eliminated the time I had to prepare for the task ahead of me. Two people left. My heart raced; my mouth felt dry. Would I remember what I had to do? I felt like everyone around me could hear my heart pounding. I could barely hear my own thoughts over the sound, which was troublesome because I needed to think clearly in order to succeed at this urgent task. One person. I tried to steady my breathing. In and out, in and out. In just a few seconds I would be stepping up to the counter. </p>

<p>"Can I help whoever's next?"</p>

<p>That would be me. I walked toward the cashier, barely able to put one foot in front of the other. I took a deep breath with my hands shaking. I noted the cashier's friendly smile and vacant eyes. Would she be able to help me? No, I had to do this on my own. I breathed out, with a barely audible "I'dlikechickentenderswithmashedpotatoesandasmallsodathanks" rushing out of my mouth. </p>

<p>"I'm sorry, what was that?" asked the friendly smile. Looking again, I noticed that the smile wasn't friendly so much as forced. The cashier seemed almost...bored. How could she be bored when I felt like the world was imploding?</p>

<p>I took another deep breath. In and out. </p>

<p>"I'd like chicken tenders with mashed potatoes and a small drink. Thank you."</p>

<p>"That'll be five dollars and twenty nine cents, please."</p>

<p>How could she be so nonchalant? My first time ordering from a fast food counter left something to be desired. Surely a momentous occasion such as this, where I powered through my fear of letting my voice be heard by a complete stranger, was cause for some kind of celebration? I handed over two crisp bills and grabbed the change, cup, and number from the cashier's hand. I dashed to the soda fountain. No caffeine for me, I had enough adrenaline flowing through my veins to keep me awake for a week. I found my seat and waited for my food to show up with my fingernails tapping a steady rhythm on the table. </p>

<p>"Seventy-one?" I looked up at the sound of the masculine voice. "Did you have the chicken tenders with mashed potatoes?"</p>

<p>I solemnly nodded my assent, thanking the man as he left. </p>

<p>I carefully unfolded the bag and pulled out my food. I put the chicken tenders on the table next to the bowl of mashed potatoes. I opened the mashed potatoes first, inhaling the scent of butter and starch. Then I carefully unwrapped the paper surrounding my chicken tenders. </p>

<p>"One, two, three, four, five, six."</p>

<p>Not only did I become self sufficient in a fast food restaurant- my first clear step towards adulthood- but I was rewarded with an extra chicken tender. </p>

<p>After lunch I walked home with an extra proud gait. It was going to be a good day.
[End]</p>

<p>It's meant to be almost humorous with the serious dramatic tone for a story about ordering chicken tenders. I wrote it like a narrative because that just helped with the story. The tone was also dramatic because it fit the air of the situation. At the time I was terrified to order from someone because I was really shy, and this was the beginning of overcoming the shyness. Also, the question I was answering was the transition from childhood to adulthood. I don't know if you need any more information, and I'm sorry for rambling on here. Thoughts and suggestions would be much appreciated, thank you!</p>

2

<p>I learned next to nothing about you from this essay. It’s not the topic that makes the essay good, it’s the writing.</p>

3

<p>Thank you for answering! </p>

<p>Was the voice lacking something that made it distinct? Or was it the way I told the story, using the narrative?</p>

4

<p>OP: i guess Careful means that it really does not show your true personality at all. The topic is also a somewhat questionable thing to write about.</p>

5

<p>Btw, the voice was fine. It was mainly the topic.</p>

6

<p>It wasn’t even the topic for me. There’s no reflection or anything… How do I know what you took from this experience?</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Explain this in your essay!</p>

7

<p>I agree. I think you may want to reconsider the essay. I barely knew what it was about until near the end.</p>

8

<p>The shyness wasn’t conveyed well (there wasn’t any real introspection, and the whole time it seemed like you were just trying to be funny and failing) and it makes you seem kind of sheltered.</p>

9

<p>This is not up to snuff for those schools you mention. I have to agree this was not illuminating at all. It might have helped the reader orient had you presented your prompt at the top. But that wouldn’t help the lack of content here. There is no explanation of why this was important or dramatic, or even why you were nervous–we are left with guessing how old you are or if you have a disability. You start telling more in your explanation to us. If your essay used the overcoming of shyness with more examples. Especially examples with more recent and relevant events. You certainly didn’t move toward adulthood after you ordered your chicken tenders. I’d avoid the narrative form. And avoid passive voice awkward phrase constructs like “and further eliminated” when “shortening” does the job well. Dig deeper.</p>

<p>Finally if you want more opinions, do not post your essay on message boards, solicit readers and PM or email them.</p>

10

<p>I wrote this at two in the morning and thought it was a great idea. Now that I’ve had sleep… Not so much. This definitely reads like a piece of bad fan fiction. There’s no way in hell I would send it to those schools. xD That’s not to say the idea isn’t workable. Maybe if I took longer than five minutes and wrote it not in the early am it could become something worth a second glance. Anyway, thanks for the comments, guys! I’ll take those things into consideration when I start writing for real. (Seriously, writing after about midnight should be illegal for me… I don’t know what I was thinking.)</p>

11

<p>Although, I am taking a similar idea and talking about how it was my first big leap towards adulthood, and everything else has been really gradual. I’ll see how everything pans out. Thanks again for your suggestions- I have a better idea of how to talk about myself. Sorry if I took up your time or something.</p>